Partner just left - is it my fault?

[Crazyuser123]

Dear all, writing this as I feel really heart broken now - upset and can’t really think straight.

My partner of 3 years ended our relationship tonight, got most of his stuff and moved out. The reason - he can’t cope with me 17 year old son. I have three children from my previous relationship. The two younger children got on quite well with my partner and developed good relationship with him. My son, however, didn’t like the new rules and boundaries and there were constant arguments between my partner and him. This, in turn, caused arguments between all of us as I wouldn’t totally agree with my partner’s parenting style. To cut a long story short, my partner just got fed up with that and left.

So, now I am thinking whether if is all my fault - my inability to discipline and control my child or whether it’s my son’s fault - for being selfish and destroying my relationship. I am in a complete turmoil and need a handhold. My younger children are very upset and distraught.

I did stand up to my OH - that’s why we had so many arguments and my house was like a war zone!
Like I have said in my previous post, I agreed with what my partner was saying about respect and manners and his principles but disagreed with the way it was delivered. I did try to work it all out by talking to my partner but he was adamant that he is right and his methods work. I did agree with strict boundaries and rules but I also believed that there should be warmth and understanding.

My other two children adored my partner - maybe because they are girls and they are younger. He didn’t turn them against their brother. In fact, my son used to bully his younger sister to the point that she had counselling at school. My partner’s involvement did stop that. He helped to grow my younger children in confidence but it was a different story with my son. My son would oppose everything and answer back and that would wind my partner up and then , gradually, it would escalate to shouting. I didn’t just stand there and watched my partner abuse my son! Yes, maybe I should have finished this relationship earlier but hindsight is a wonderful thing and sometimes it’s difficult to see what you should do when you are in the middle of that. My son did need strict boundaries - that’s for sure but he needed authoritative approach and not an authoritarian one.

I didn’t agree with my partner’s limitless (in my opinion) punishments. For example, if my son was rude/did something wrong and the punishment was no internet, for me it would be just one day and then we move on - not like my partner would say , “He can have the internet when he behaves” (if you see what I mean). I didn’t believe that excluding my son from family time/family outings was a good punishment. I looked at things like that as an opportunity to build/rebuild relationships and create memories. Excluding my son would only breed anger, bitterness and resentment which in turn would create more behaviour issues. My partner would disagree with that - he believed I was rewarding bad behaviour. Thus, more arguments between us!

I see what you mean, Shooturlocalmethdealer. I had to learn the hard way.

This is not your fault OP.
It’s not the fault of your son.
It’s not the fault of your ex.

No point assigning blame. Things just haven’t worked out. Perhaps your ex took on too much. He sounds like he just couldn’t really cope.
Focus now on looking after yourself and setting a firm routine for the family, to promote good behaviour.
I’m sorry you are going through this.

OP, you didn’t stand by and watch your son being abused, because he wasn’t being abused. Your ex sounds strict and militant, but it proved good for your younger children and they respected your dp for it.
Some people label everything as abuse. He shouted...it’s abuse. He made him stay in his room and not watch the movie...it’s abuse. Rubbish.
If your son was being abused, you would have left. Of course you would. It doesn’t sound that this was the case, so you have no guilt to feel.
Things just didn’t work out.

Sounds like DP had far too much control- kind of like you handed over responsibility for parenting to him and found it hard to stand up to him when you didn’t like his style.

Your DS might find it hard to trust you and may go off the rails now that DP has left- an angry rebellion type thing. I’d try to build bridges with your son and I second the pp advising mental health support, he’s been through a lot. I’d keen an eye on the bullying of the younger sibling- you mustn’t let that start up again. Time to take back responsibility.

I don't think your partner was abusive at all. I think he just had strict ideas about discipline and conduct and your ds is a bit of a tearaway allowed to get away with unacceptable behaviour for years. Never going to be a good combination bringing those two together.

You son must come first before any boyfriend. He couldn't expect to move in and start throwing his weight around after all he isn't your sons father.

Your son may have needed strict boundaries but that is your job and not one that should be outsourced to a new partner.

My other two children adored my partner - maybe because they are girls and they are younger. He didn’t turn them against their brother. In fact, my son used to bully his younger sister to the point that she had counselling at school. My partner’s involvement did stop that. He helped to grow my younger children in confidence but it was a different story with my son.

Your younger children adored your partner & grew in confidence because they were no longer being bullied at home, the reason it was a different story with your son is because he lost his “victims”. It’s no wonder your daughters are distraught, they’re fearful that the bullying is going to start up again & that you won’t / can’t protect them because your method of discipline obviously didn’t work if the bullying got so bad your youngest daughter needed counselling.

I do believe that actions have consequences but I also believe that one needs to choose their battles carefully. Also, rightly or wrongly, I was scared that I would push my son to the limit or that we would loose a connection

Are you not worried about your daughters being pushed to their limit or losing your connection with them?

To be honest I'd be more concerned about your daughter that needs counselling because your son is bullying her so badly, rather than your son going without internet or missing the odd day out. It's a funny one because your partner shouldn't have been ignoring you disagreeing with him as though his word was final, but I do broadly agree with him.

It reads like you shared your problems with him and made it clear how it would be, and initially welcomed his input in a way that made him feel like he should roll his sleeves up and get stuck in when he moved in, but then you pulled right back when you disagreed with his method. It's nobodies fault, just a miscommunication about what role you wanted him to play.

Your partner aside, though, it sounds to me like you do have too soft an approach with your son. Swearing is one thing but bullying a sibling to the point of counselling is awful, and at that age I wouldn't excuse it just because his parents have split. I don't think no internet until you stop acting like this is torture or too harsh if he is really bullying his sibling as much as you say. If your partner's method was stopping that behaviour then I have to say I think he was right, and the other children suffer from you choosing to be soft with him.

Your partner sounds abusive your better off with him gone

I'm worried about the daughters now, to be honest. How are you going to prevent your son bullying them again, OP?

I feel sorry for your daughters.

Be kind people.

It doe sound like for your DS and your relationship with him this is a good thing. Maybe your DS will now appreciate you more it could be a good time to restablish a good relationship with him and a new way of moving forward so he knows he’s loved without bullying his sister. It might also be a good time to show your dds that you can maintain boundaries in a loving way without shouting or being submissive.

It’s a lot for one person to do on top of the breakdown of a relationship so I’d really strongly recommend some therapy for you.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time OP, I hope that now you and your son can rebuild your relationship.

From an outsider's perspective I think it's very telling that your partner made an effort with your younger children, both girls, but only ever tried to exclude your son. From what you've written it's as if he felt threatened by your son because he was another male in the house and the only one he couldn't control, so he sought to exclude him instead.

Your son must have felt very pushed out by this man, in his own home, and very isolated by his extreme and open ended "discipline". For a stranger to try to take on the role of dad, with a teenage boy, and then to push him out of his own family with bizarre and aggressive arbitrary punishments is really awful, your poor boy needed support and guidance through a tough few years and instead got lumbered with the stepdad from hell.

It's good that he's gone, he was not a good person to have around your children and even now he's gone he's not taking any responsibility for his own behaviour (which sounds considerably worse than your son's) and shifting the blame onto your boy.

Forget the ex, and try to repair the relationship you have with your son.

I don’t think it’s helpful for you to blame anyone.

The root cause may be your DS’s disrespect and bullying behaviour towards you and your DDs, but your exDP had no right to tackle this in the way he did, and you should not have let him.

And it’s so easy to say this as an outsider, and so vey difficult to deal with a situation like this when you are in it.

Be kind to yourself, and focus on your children.

Your DP engaged in a battle of wills with your DS and lost.

Respect is important but you have to earn it. He tried to demand it and that didn't work.

Boundaries are helpful but using constant sanctions isn't. Everyone needs to hear when they're getting things right and have the opportunity to succeed.

You're now in the position of renegotiating the household rules and culture. You need to continue to have high expectations of your DS and there must be zero tolerance on the bullying. However, he's nearly an adult and you need to acknowledge that. He has responsibilities as well as rights. Expect hi, to live up to them and use only natural consequences if he doesn't. Show disappointment rather than anger if he lets you down and work on your family relationships.

I would also probably reassure him that your won't be moving any new partner in for a very long time.

@Timandra

I would also probably reassure him that your won't be moving any new partner in for a very long time.

I do agree with the rest of your post but I think this is a bit of a strange thing to say to a 17 year old.

It would be very unlikely that she would move any new partner in for at least a year because she would need to meet them and get to that stage in their relationship first, by which point he will be an adult and really shouldn't expect this kind of power over his mothers life to stop him from mercilessly bullying his younger siblings. I might privately make the decision not to rock the boat by moving anyone in but I wouldn't tell him that, I think it gives him too much power and just excuses his behaviour as being a natural response to the partner being there.

I think if you really stop to picture a 17 year old bullying a younger girl so badly that she needs therapy, it's horrific. He's basically an adult, he doesn't need mollycoddling more by saying "don't worry mummy will never have a life again my precious boy". His behaviour is unacceptable regardless of whether she has a partner.

@AE18 I suppose it depends on your definition of a very long time.

After an experience like that, I wouldn't move a new partner in until my DS had moved out and settled into a home of his own. Anything else would probably be destined to end in failure and likely to just cause further harm to all concerned.

@Timandra

Oh yes I agree, but I wouldn't tell him that I would just do it quietly, I wouldn't want him to think it's ok to expect another adult not to be in a relationship and that his behaviour is a reasonable response if they do. He is very old to think otherwise already.

OP’s DS swears at her and terrorised his sisters to the point they needed counselling.

They are evidently distraught because OP’s DP, who protected them, has left.

And yet, DP is abusive and poor DS is the victim. Only on MN

It's not about him expecting her not to be in a relationship. I agree that wouldn't be reasonable

He just needs reassurance that another adult isn't going to be moved into his home and start laying down the rules again any time soon.

Knowing that will probably help him feel secure and supportive about any future relationships the OP has. That will help them all.

@Timandra

Fair enough, agree to disagree then I guess, it's just not an expectation I would allow from someone of his age, especially with the attitude he has.

I wouldn't make any allowances for bullying from someone who will be an adult in less than a year, and I would be wanting to gear him up towards adulthood and how he will need to behave in the real world, rather than assuring him that he is still a child and can still behave childishly and take his frustration out on other children.

He can move out very shortly and not have to deal with someone telling him off for bullying, which might be best for all involved given how he has made his siblings feel.

Alot of teenage boys that age are pretty horrendous. Hoping your son settles down abit OP and the respect comes back and bullying stops.
My 18yr old used to swear at me under his breath and verbally bully his little brother,so much so that they couldnt eat a meal together. I've now tried a different approach than my usual shouting and have gone for a softly softly approach where I try and hug him( if he let's me) and lots of ' love you' when he leaves the house. It made me think when I was yelling at him saying why do you bully your sibling when he is a good boy and my teen turned round and said ' but I'm a good boy too' .

Hope you're feeling ok,its so hard to bring a bloke into our lives whilst we have kids. No one is to blame in your case x

He's gone, good or bad, only you know really.

However its now down to you to protect your daughters from your bully of a son. Home needs to be a safe happy place for them as well. Now your partner has left you need to step up and ensure the bullying doesn't return. Your son may be happy that he has asserted his place and sent your partner off as he can return to the original status quo. You need to be 'the baddy' in his eyes and ensure his behavior doesn't reset and the girls end up needing protection. At 17 he's a young man and should be able to understand that he needs to respect his sisters and you.