Partner just left - is it my fault?

[Crazyuser123]

Dear all, writing this as I feel really heart broken now - upset and can’t really think straight.

My partner of 3 years ended our relationship tonight, got most of his stuff and moved out. The reason - he can’t cope with me 17 year old son. I have three children from my previous relationship. The two younger children got on quite well with my partner and developed good relationship with him. My son, however, didn’t like the new rules and boundaries and there were constant arguments between my partner and him. This, in turn, caused arguments between all of us as I wouldn’t totally agree with my partner’s parenting style. To cut a long story short, my partner just got fed up with that and left.

So, now I am thinking whether if is all my fault - my inability to discipline and control my child or whether it’s my son’s fault - for being selfish and destroying my relationship. I am in a complete turmoil and need a handhold. My younger children are very upset and distraught.

I largely agree with AE18's balanced approach. It's perfectly possible for it to be the case both that:

• The OP's DP was absolutely wrong to have overruled her on discipline and it sounds as though his approach was very ill-judged; AND
• The son's behaviour sounds horrific and needs to be addressed. If he leaves the house in a year or so and turns his bullying behaviour on a woman who isn't his mother or sisters and drives her into counselling, Mumsnetters will be the first to accuse the OP of babying him and raising a man who treats women like shit.

Anyway, , OP - I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out and that you're hurting. I'd agree with previous posters that it won't help now to apportion blame, tempting though it is. It sounds from your last post as though you know what you're doing re how to proceed with your kids and setting boundaries, so I wish you the best of luck!

I am reading this and having a flash back to my teenage years. My brother was out of control after my parents divorced.
My mum prioritised him, zero boundaries as she felt guilty about the fact my father was abusive towards him
I got bullied and beaten up by my brother as a teen - zero consequences as my mother was depressed and felt powerless. I left home at 18 and did not really have a healthy relationship with my mum until I was 35.

I'm now estranged from my brother. He matured into an alcoholic wife beater - carefully chose vulnerable women so that he could use and abuse. Grim. But the template for that was taught at home where he was first abused and then was allowed to subsequently abuse me.

Your poor DDs.

Your DS needs counselling too. He was in a dysfunctional household for years. Then his father abandoned him. Then his mother brings a man who draws much needed boundaries but does so with force rather than building relationship first. He’s traumatised and playing it out with his sisters.

Your children all need help so start now.