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Original poster

Fiancé lied about child

73 replies

Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 14:34

I hope you can help me at this difficult time. I just found out (by accident) my fiancé (together 4 years) and father of our 2 year old has a child with a previous girlfriend (the boy now 12) he has no contact they split when the boy was a baby, they live the other end of the country. He has lied to me a few times before. Never something as big as this. My head is spinning and my heart is broken. I believed our baby was both our first, that I’d made him a father. He’s moved out to live with his mum while I process it all.

To leave or not to leave that is the question.

I love him and I don’t want the family to break up,
I’m devastated for our daughter too and never wanted a broken home for her. But I can’t trust him. I can’t believe he’s hidden this and was never going to tell me 💔

OP posts:
SlowMoFuckingToes · 09/08/2019 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

abitoflight · 09/08/2019 14:38

Better in relationships I think

timshelthechoice · 09/08/2019 14:38

He's a liar. Liars never change. You say this wasn't even his first lie, as he's lied 'several times before'. Best to end things before you spend your life ever wondering if he's telling the truth.

LIZS · 09/08/2019 14:40

Why did he not tell you? Is he giving financial support and seeing the child? Did his family also keep it quiet? If he has lied ( even if by omission) what else might there be.

SweetAsSpice · 09/08/2019 14:42

That’s a pretty big fucking lie. You poor thing Flowers

If he has lied about this...what else has he/will he lie about?

^ that will be your thought in your head forevermore if you stay. If you’re happy with that eating away with you for the rest of your life...

Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 14:46

He says he didn’t tell me because initially he thought I wouldn’t be with him then it went on too long. A bullshit excuse i know. His mum knew and told him to tell me and he kept telling her he would when time was right. I’m a bit upset with her too tbh.
To the person who said this is a problem for counsellor “not an Internet forum” yeh I agree re counselling but extensive waiting lists so actually for now I’m using the forum for one of its uses: support. Don’t bother commenting if you’ve nothing supportive to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 14:48

Thank you all I know huge fucking lie. I think my head is just spinning so much and I’m trying to make sense of it all and let my thoughts come together. I’m in shock x

OP posts:
MNHQ
AnyaMumsnet · 09/08/2019 14:55

Hi there OP,

We hope you don't mind, we're going to move this to relationships now. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2019 15:23

That is a massive deception and I'm not surprised your head is in a spin.

He could have told you at any point, but he chose to keep deceiving you. Worse than that, he colluded with his mother to keep it from you. She could have told you.

Also the fact he has absolutely nothing to do with his 12-year should be ringing bells for you. What's to stop him doing the same to you and your DC?

I'm sorry, but I would not be able to look him in the eye or share a bed with him again after this. I know you have a child together but you owe it to yourself to raise your bar.

SexFarmWoman · 09/08/2019 15:25

I don’t think I could be with a man who could deny a child Sad

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 15:30

Why is there no contact? Does he try? How does he try? Does he pay maintenance?

I don't think I could be with someone who could abandon their own child, if that's what he's done. And that's before the Iies.

Middersweekly · 09/08/2019 15:32

What are his reasons for not having any contact with his 12yr old child?

Pineapplefish · 09/08/2019 15:33

The lie is bad. Not seeing / supporting his son is bad too. I think this might be a deal breaker OP Sad

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 09/08/2019 15:33

That must be a huge shock you poor thing, especially his mother colluding. I’m sorry for you.

I’m not speaking from experience but I would struggle with this level of deception especially given he must have had plenty of occasions to tell you. But only you can decide if this was just a massive misjudgement and forgivable or unforgivable - which is probably your current struggle.

Hope you get some good advice Flowers

PumpkinP · 09/08/2019 15:37

I have 4 children to my ex, he is absent and has no contact and pretends he doesn’t have kids (he’s admitted to that) I always feel sorry for the women he gets with as they will find out one day. Sadly some men like to pretend their children don’t exist I don’t even think it’s the uncommon. And you found out by accident so he didn’t even tell you?

TatianaLarina · 09/08/2019 15:39

There is no question over whether to leave.

He’s a liar who abandoned his kid. He didn’t even come clean you found out by mistake.

If he could lie to you about this, what else could he lie about?

LadyGAgain · 09/08/2019 15:40

Massive red flags here OP. Really very sorry you've found this out now - timing is of course awful. The least of your worries is "you making him a father" - he has never been a father. He walked away? Or was there another reason that he has nothing to do with his eldest child? Has he been paying maintenance for the child he 50% made? I'd be seriously concerned about your own position. Are you married?

LadyGAgain · 09/08/2019 15:42

Sorry just saw he is your fiancé. So you're currently unprotected.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2019 15:42

You have to leave. There’s no bigger lie I can think of and he’s kept it up for 4 years and ruined your memories of having your baby.

Not that it matters but how did you find out?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2019 15:51

Any man who willingly abandons their child isn't worthy of oxygen. If he did it to his son, he will do this to your child. You already know he's a liar, that alone is reason enough to leave him.

Intheheat · 09/08/2019 16:04

You have to leave. That is about as big a lie as they come. Staying will drive you demented as you will doubt everything and be wondering the whole time.

Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 16:05

Thanks this is really helpful to read even though I don’t know you. Iv so far only told mum and my closet friend so this is helping.
Ok to answer your questions: he was away down south (I’m up north) when he was in the army back in his early twenties. (Now 36). The relationship was brief, he was away in army a lot and didn’t end well he says she cheated (he says!) and after baby was born they did not get on, he felt he wasn’t ready in first place and she met someone else. Then he moved back up here and felt distance and no contact with her made things even harder to build relationship with the child. Yes he paid maintenance however hadn’t fully paid the the past couple years (he’s been skint but that’s no excuse).
I found out as I found the letter from child maintenance threatening court as he’s not paid fully. Only found it 2 days ago. His mum says she feels terrible and I know it’s not her fault but I’m sorry she could’ve told me or insisted he tell me. We got engaged, wev had our baby and I’m so hurt. Beyond any way iv been hurt before.
He’s trying to work it out with me and I feel awful for our little family and my daughter and I worry I’d be harming her if I broke up with him x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 16:05

He has an amazing bond and relationship with our daughter btw

OP posts:
stanski · 09/08/2019 16:16

Personally I would struggle to get past such a huge deception

MummyOfTwo92 · 09/08/2019 16:24

Oh OP.

Is there a chance the little boy may not be his if (as he says) she cheated?

Thanks