Fiancé lied about child

[Mamma2017]

I hope you can help me at this difficult time. I just found out (by accident) my fiancé (together 4 years) and father of our 2 year old has a child with a previous girlfriend (the boy now 12) he has no contact they split when the boy was a baby, they live the other end of the country. He has lied to me a few times before. Never something as big as this. My head is spinning and my heart is broken. I believed our baby was both our first, that I’d made him a father. He’s moved out to live with his mum while I process it all.

To leave or not to leave that is the question.

I love him and I don’t want the family to break up,
I’m devastated for our daughter too and never wanted a broken home for her. But I can’t trust him. I can’t believe he’s hidden this and was never going to tell me 💔

A friend had a similar experience with an ex. She was trying to find out where all their money was going as they were struggling on their joint salaries. It turned out he had two more children she wasn't aware of.

He actually had 5 children - their child, 2 with 2 ex's and the 2 secret ones with another woman he'd been in a long term relationship with. He didn't want to tell her when they first met because he thought it sounded bad having 4 children with 3 different women and the children he told her about were very close in age.

More and more lies kept surfacing. He was sacked and kept it quiet and he was gambling and doing drugs on and off.

I think there's something very wrong with keeping the existence of your own children secret, getting family friends and relatives to lie and also not letting half siblings know that the pictures of other children they see at their grandparents are half siblings and not cousins.

This would be insurmountable for me.

1. He is a liar. If he can lie about something so huge then how is it possible to ever trust a word he says?
2. He is a terrible father. Maybe not to your dd (yet), but he hasn't seen or paid towards his child or even acknowledged his existence for years.
3. He is able to "play normal" with you. Utter deceit.

Oh gosh OP, I'm so sorry what a shock that must have been!

I just don't think I could forgive a lie like this. It's pretty horrendous to have kept it from you for so long. I would be seriously considering the future and try to get ducks in a row for you and DD should you decide to leave him.

myshinywhiteteeth WOW that is hideous. What the hell is wrong with people. Your poor friend. Can I ask how she found out about all the children? Tbh it wouldn’t surprise me if my fiancé had more not least because I now don’t trust him but because he always seems broke too despite a full time salary

Do you have access to his bank account. I think he needs to be open about all this if there's a future.

Could you maybe track the other woman down on Facebook and ask her side if things? Your daughter has a half brother so it would be good if you could be on speaking terms. And maybe she can shed light on what's what.

Tbh op, if he can lie through his back teeth, he isn't a good man and toy and your daughter deserve better. And if you stay with him it sounds like this won't be the last time he breaks your heart.

*you and your daughter

Well I’m thinking I could try track her but I think he will say he she married and he doesn’t know her surname or something. Now I’m realising how expert he is at lying! I don’t know how else I could find her. They live hundreds of miles away too. Allegedly.

Wouldn’t be surprised if she lived a few streets away tbh since he’s such a liar, haven’t rtft since posting but could you ask his family? Surprised they never mentioned anything? Or do they not know?

Yeh he sounds like a class A bullshitter. As if he hasn't kept tabs on the mother of his kid... who he supposedly pays child support for. He would need her name for that.

He is a walking lie op.
What about the letter you saw about child support, was her name on that?

No there was no name on the child maintenance letters. Just the details of what he’d not paid and when.
His mum told me they lived down south- guess it makes sense as that’s where he was based in the army.
His mum knew all along and didn’t tell me she says it wasn’t her place and tried to get him to tell me and he kept saying he would when the time was right. So lame.

I'm really sorry to hear you're are going through this. My ex has not met his 12 year old son and I wouldn't be surprised now that he has another DC that he has lied to his DP. If he is anything like my ex he will be manipulative trying to get you to feel sorry for him. It a cruel thing to leave a DC feeling abandoned and fatherless. My son and I both believe his outcome is better with just me. When you're dealing with selfish men they don't make good fathers and corrode a child's self esteem. I can honestly say I don't look upon his new girlfriend and DC with envy I just worry about the DC and girlfriend as it can't be easy. I wish you luck and can imagine your emotions for wanting to be a family may cloud your judgement. If you stay with this man what will your life be like in the future? How many more lies? He also has a financial obligation he hasn't willingly provided, he has been forced to. Is this the role model your want for your daughter?

My friend only found out because they were really struggling on their joint salaries. She started investigating where the money was going. She suspected gambling or drugs. He was very cagey about the finances. I'm not sure how she found out but I think she found unexplained payments on an old bank statement because he was doing online banking.

There were some messages on his phone that were a bit off - she was never sure if he was cheating on her or if it was from the mum of one of his other children.

The lies started being exposed and he only owned up to them when he was caught out. I don't believe he would ever had told her otherwise. It wasn't just his children he was lying about.

She kicked him out in the end. He wouldn't be honest. She couldn't trust him about anything. He was cocklodging and expected her to pay for everything and do everything. He also may have been gaslighting and saying it was her being jealous about the mother of his 2 secret children and that's why no one mentioned them. One of his friends let something slip when he was drunk - I think he was talking about something one of the secret children had done at school or a pantomime and used the wrong name.

Oh my lovely, that’s so shit for you and your daughter. I’ve been through very similar and I stupidly fell for all the lies. Your head will be all over the place now so take some time to breathe and begin to process it all. As many others have said, if he has lied about this, what else is he lying about? He will continue to lie and that will always be at the back of your mind if you stay with him. I can also promise you that bring a single mum to your precious daughter is way better and a million times easier that what you have. I remember reading a comment from someone years ago, when I was starting out on my journey of single-mumness, that with it just being me and my 2 dds, we would be so close snd that’s true-we are because it is just us. You will be heartbroken at losing the family unit that you thought you had, and you will need to grieve for that loss, but I promise you will come out the other side.

I'm always curious if this is going to be my XH. He pays CM, but had never met his DS and never will (his choice). I suspect there's more than one man out there and their families who have no problem just washing their hands of their previous children and pretending to have a clean slate.

Because of my own experience I don't think I could forgive a man like this. You'll have to come to your own conclusions about whether or not you can cope with having a partner who not only lied to you but abandoned his son too.

Thank you for the kind comments. soapona I’m so sorry you and your son went through that yet you both definitely sound better off. You sound like a great mum.
In all of my raging mixed emotions I’m also so sad about the boy he’s abandoned. I don’t yet know the full circumstances and it may well be that his mum and her new partner didn’t want him to have contact (the boy was only 3 months when split) yet I still believe the pain this can cause and I truly hope he has a good father figure if not a loving stable home with his mum.
thisisanillegalbingogame thank you- that’s so encouraging about you and your daughters being close and I know me and mine will be. Thanks for this x

This could be my ex who I was with for 5 years stuck around with my dd for a year then walked after cheating on me a couple of times) I was young and he was my first boyfriend so I put up with it all. Then one day he just left. I was very close with his mum but she stopped all contact too. People in my local area were told I was a bitch who cheated and didn't let him see her. Which was complete lies as I'd only ever been with him. He has never paid maintenance as he keeps moving about.

Years later I got a message on messenger from him telling me how my dd had 4 half siblings from 3 relationships. He them said cant believe dd is 16. I replied "shes 12 dickhead" and blocked him. God knows how many kids he has now. All I do know is how regretted dd feels. She cant understand how he could just walk out when she was just a baby.

Upset not regretted

'The time is right' would have been when he found out you were preggers. At the latest! I'm sure his mother knew that too but has clearly continued to stick her head in the sand and continue enabling him. Probably because that is what he has conditioned her to do.

I don't know if it's like this op but I was with someone who lied a lot and...I found myself making excuses for it like 'oh its just a white lie' and 'oh he's just exaggerating to make the story interesting' and later it became 'oh he just didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to lose me' ect... The fact is - they lie, because they are horrid people. That's all there is too it. And all too often they have other people around them making the exact same excuses for their lies. And on it goes.

I'm always astonished just how many people will say atraight away leave him when she has a child with him. What's happened to trying to work on things before jumping the boat.
I'm relatively young but have been with my husband for 19 years and oh god if I'd left every time we had a fall out I would have been divorced about 50 times!!
Relationships are bloody hard work and yes it does seem that this is a massive thing that you have to work through OP -either together or by throwing the towel in.
I'd recommend some family therapy for the two of you to do together. You say you've had issues with him lying previously so, for the sake of your child, try to work through it together. I'd generally everything is ok otherwise then you should really try. It won't be easy but good luck xx

Of course it's a huge shock but I can actually understand how once he had kept it for you for so long it would become harder and harder to tell you and spoil everything. Probably impossible really and easier to bury his head in the sand. As the PP says you need to talk this out and decide if you can live with this, no need for an immediate decision.

Please don't contact the mother of his child at this point. She has rebuilt her life over the past 12 years and who knows what her current circumstances are. He does however need to sort out his cms payments- if they are correct etc. Has he informed them he has another child for example? You need to decide what you want to do based upon what you think you need for the relationship. Your partner then needs to make decisions about contact etc.

Thanks - I don’t think I will contact the woman. Not right now anyway. From what iv heard so far I gather it would not be welcome contact and I myself have a lot to sort. Thank you for the advice re cm- I didn’t think of that stuff ie whether he’s told them of new baby. Appreciated x