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Original poster

Fiancé lied about child

73 replies

Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 14:34

I hope you can help me at this difficult time. I just found out (by accident) my fiancé (together 4 years) and father of our 2 year old has a child with a previous girlfriend (the boy now 12) he has no contact they split when the boy was a baby, they live the other end of the country. He has lied to me a few times before. Never something as big as this. My head is spinning and my heart is broken. I believed our baby was both our first, that I’d made him a father. He’s moved out to live with his mum while I process it all.

To leave or not to leave that is the question.

I love him and I don’t want the family to break up,
I’m devastated for our daughter too and never wanted a broken home for her. But I can’t trust him. I can’t believe he’s hidden this and was never going to tell me 💔

OP posts:
catofdoom · 09/08/2019 16:28

How awful. Give yourself some time to process it all. Flowers

Mum4Fergus · 09/08/2019 16:33

If he can deny the existence of his DS for so long he could just as easily deny the existence of his child with you. Likewise, he is unlikely to support any of you financially. You should cut your losses and make preparations for life without him.

Bloomburger · 09/08/2019 16:41

I'd fear that he could easily walk away from our child if he has done it before. Plus the lie obviously.

LLapT0p962 · 09/08/2019 16:52

Why would anyone like about their children ?

I've seen it happen a few times

Lack of responsibility

The mother (mostly mother's) generally don't get to walk away from their responsibilities !

Graphista · 09/08/2019 16:53

"I found out as I found the letter from child maintenance threatening court as he’s not paid fully."

I can tell you from personal experience and I'm sure you'll also have read or if you haven't I can tell you that you easily could read MANY threads on here on just HOW HARD it is to get non payment of cm to THIS stage.

It really very rarely happens and usually only if they paid pretty much sod all and been pretty obstructive about dealing with it too.

I could not be with someone who

A lied about something SO important

B denied their child

C has clearly made no effort to have a relationship with that child

D had paid in all likelihood zero possibly very little maintenance and quite some time ago - often takes years to get to this stage

Graphista · 09/08/2019 16:55

Oh - I was also raised an army brat and my ex was also army - loads of cheating goes on, admittedly not just the men/soldiers but predominantly it is them that do the cheating - it's really easy for them to do so.

If I were you I'd be prepared to learn there were more than 1 child not being paid cm for too

babbi · 09/08/2019 16:57

I’m so sorry this has happened to you ...
you need to end it for your own sake and make a life for you and your daughter...
Good luck you are worth so much more than what he is x

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/08/2019 17:02

The biggest concern for me would be the ghosting of his first child rather than the lying. Because it speaks of a mindset that can just move on and detach from relationships, and I would be worried this would happen to me - if he can't share the existence of his child with you, that must be because he realises his walking away reflects badly on him. I would wonder what else he was capable of.

LLapT0p962 · 09/08/2019 17:03

Lie, not like

Although clearly he doesn't like his child either !

AnotherEmma · 09/08/2019 17:06

How could you even contemplate staying with a man who has done this?

I will never cease to be amazed and disappointed by the low standards of some women.

I suppose you are afraid that if you end the relationship he will do exactly the same to you and your child.

krustykittens · 09/08/2019 17:12

I find it disturbing that he has lied to you before and then you find out this big, huge, life changing lie. He's not an honest man, and to deny his own child, makes him pretty despicable. Sorry, OP, but I would be looking at being as single parent.

QuickThinkOfAName · 09/08/2019 17:18

For me once the trust and respect has gone what have you got left?

And it's a major thing to leave out. A child. What were the other things he lied about?

His child is 12 and he's made no effort to see him? Sorry massive red flag. I couldn't be with someone who could detach himself so easily from his own child.

An ex once told me how his dad had gone and offered money to his teenage girlfriend to have an abortion when he got her pregnant as they were too young to have kids. She refused. My ex just shrugged his shoulders and said so I could be a dad. His lack of concern for a poor child left wondering where their dad is left me cold. We split up.

Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 17:19

Dear “anotheremma” thanks for your rather judgemental comment. Firstly I’m not contemplating anything right now like I said my head is spinning and I’m trying to process my heartbreak- I’m writing on here I suppose mostly to read words of support in what is my darkest hour. They have been therapeutic to read. Actually. And secondly you state you are amazed at the “low standards” of women is interesting-as I would class your insensitivity and judgmental commenting as pretty below the bar. I’m sure you’re friends are thrilled to have you around during a personal crisis

OP posts:
User2222 · 09/08/2019 17:22

I'd be concerned about what else he could / has potentially lied about.

catofdoom · 09/08/2019 17:23

@Mamma2017 ignore Emma. That was an unpleasant thing to say. Most people here understand how shell shocked you must be.

Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 17:41

Iv got so many more questions for him and his mum and this only came to light two days ago so I don’t know the details in their entirety-there is just so much to take in- but I do recall his mum alluded to the fact his ex and new partner didn’t want him to have contact asides the maintenance. Still though no excuse.
It’s not so much the worry of him cutting our daughter out or not paying maintenance if we split as they have a great bond and spend so much time together he is totally besotted with her and we wouldn’t be moving miles away (if and probably when we move- our shared rent is up in 6 months I would probably move near to my mum which isn’t far) the worry and hurt is the family breaking up and being a single parent as i hear how tough that can be for mum and child. And of iv got to come to terms with the fact he’s deceived me all this time I’m devastated

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 17:43

Although yes I know it’s probably even tougher for mum and child to stay where the relationship is not trusting

OP posts:
HotChocolateLover · 09/08/2019 17:48

Sorry to hear this OP Gin Flowers I would find this very hard to forgive. Is this definitely his only other child? With a lie that big, even if it turns out the boy is his only other child then i’d Always be worried about other skeletons in the closet. He tells you this was the result of a girlfriend but could she be a wife? I know I rarely tell new people I meet that I was married previously. I hope you can work through this xx

LLapT0p962 · 09/08/2019 17:51

The Op doesn't have low standards

She was unaware of her partners full history

The deception is fully on her partners shoulders

Never a good decision to lie

JK1773 · 09/08/2019 17:53

OP I can feel from your posts how hurt you are and I would be too! You poor poor thing. I couldn’t stay with him for many reasons. He should have fought for a relationship with his child! He should financially support his child. He has lied to you for years, he let you believe your little one was his first. That is an active and malicious deception.
I would not be able to get over this and where is any relationship without trust? This will eat away at you. You won’t ever forget how you feel right now, you must be so hurt. It’s your decision what to do next but don’t sacrifice your peace of mind trying to make this work if you will always have doubts. You might waste years being unhappy and mistrustful and life really is too short to live like that Flowers

greenwaterbottle · 09/08/2019 17:54

I think I'd need to see cms statements etc to see where he was up to.
Tbh I'd like to write to his ex and say you've been told xyz, if possible could she contact you.
What plans does he have to be in contact with his son. If there's none, I don't think I'd be interested.

Frith2013 · 09/08/2019 17:58

Leave. No question!

LLapT0p962 · 09/08/2019 18:23

I'm going to add

He could have said, I've got a child who I don't have contact with due to X reason, but I pay maintenance.
Do you still want to have a life & children with me ?

At this point, the Op could have supported him & stayed or walked away & started a new life, before children

He took this important choice away from her

Original poster
Mamma2017 · 09/08/2019 18:32

Thank you for the comments and for taking the time. It has felt so supportive. I agree with the vast majority of posters and sometimes it just takes hearing it from others that are totally impartial to help you organise your thoughts and feelings. It has felt initially like I was going nuts and questioning my own thoughts and I’m not ready to tell all my family n friends such a bombshell just yet so the immediate support from this thread has been amazing thank you 🙏 Star

OP posts:
catofdoom · 09/08/2019 18:43

It's almost helpful to decide what you're going to do first so as not to be swayed by anyone.