Husband needs “space” left holding the baby

[Cantsleep22]

Hi

This is my very first post on here. I’ll try to keep to the point, keep it brief but give as much info as possible

We have been together 10 years. Married for 2 and have a 6 year old DD and an 8 month old DD. Our relationship has had many ups and downs. We have split a few times, the last time being 3 years ago. We had been bickering and he said he felt we weren’t right for each other any more. He moved out, he met someone else (definitely after we split, I know because I spoke to her) but decided he still loved me, wanted to make it work. We had counselling and worked things out. We moved house, got married and decided to try for another baby. Unfortunately, we lost a baby but conceived 4 months later and now have a beautiful family which I thought was complete.

That’s the background. Here’s to what’s going on now. I decided I wanted to breastfeed my dd. My husband was apprehensive at first, said he didn’t think he would be able to bond like he did with first dd. I suggested we go to a breastfeeding workshop where he realised the benefits outweighed his doubts and became on board. It’s been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions over the last 8 months, I’ve suffered with anxiety over feeding in public and some days I’ve wanted to run away myself, I just didn’t realise how hard it was going to be. My husband has been supportive and has seen me at my lowest. Our relationship has suffered massively because of the commitment I’ve given to breastfeeding. My dd won’t sleep in her own cot and getting her to sleep at night requires me to lie with her and feed her to sleep which can take 2 hours. By which point it’s bed time for me and dh. She has also never slept through the night meaning I am constantly exhausted. Our sex life has also taken a dip because of this but I have been conscious of this and tried to make time whenever I could. We generally dtd once a week which I don’t think is that bad considering.

So 4 days ago husband said we need some space, we’ve been bickering, don’t spend time together anymore. He thinks space will do us good. He went to his moms. I am going away this weekend with the children, this was already planned before. He has had the kids every night this week and will come back home when I’m away to look after our 2 dogs.

At first I was angry he’s left the home. Something that when we had counselling he realised doesn’t solve any problems. Now I am just heartbroken and want him to come home so we can talk through what is wrong and what we can do to make it better. Tonight he said can I see the children Sunday to which I asked him what is going on. I am left in limbo with this space he needs. He said he has felt better the last 4 days than he has the last 8 months. He feels like a better person and a better father. I have constantly put him down and made him feel useless. Our relationship has holes in it and right now he doesn’t want to come home. He doesn’t want it to get messy but needs more time to think. He says the family holiday we went on 2 weeks ago was make or break for him (news to me) and that he spent 10 days walking our dd around in her pushchair getting her to nap but got no thanks for it?! How about the last 8 months of me devoting my body to my daughter and not getting any thanks for it?! Not that I require him to thank me for it anyway.

I think he has already checked out emotionally and is buying time to decide on the next move. I.e moving out, selling the house etc. When he comes to pick up DDs he’s very quick to leave and keeps any conversations to a bare minimum.

I am heartbroken and can’t believe that he has left because we are going through a rough patch. I have tried to tell him this isn’t forever. Our daughter will only be this small and need me this much once. I can’t help but think there are other reasons he’s not telling me about.

Another factor in our relationship is his drinking. He isn’t an alcoholic but he does have a problem when he relies on alcohol to relieve stress and generally doesn’t know when to stop. I do find him more confrontational and argumentative when drinking. I have tried to talk to him about this on numerous occasions but he doesn’t acknowledge there is a problem. He says on holiday I nagged him too much about drinking but he was allowed to drink because he was on holiday! I can’t deny that, I enjoyed a drink myself but when he’s drunk before we’ve gone out for our evening meal I do think that is a problem!

I have no idea what to do next. I feel like history is repeating itself but this time it’s worse. I could afford the mortgage on our old house but there is no way I can on the new one. Also I am still on maternity leave and my maternity payments have now stopped. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated

Sorry this was longer than I had hoped but I wanted to try and include as much info as possible

Sorry this is happening to you.

It sounds his drinking is definitely a drinking problem if he's getting defensive over it. Also, how ridiculous of him to expect "thanks" for basic parenting, it's as much his child as yours and men who expect a pat on the back for parenting need their head shook.

I think you should try and make the most of the space, enjoy not having to argue with someone about their drinking or bickering and try and get some space for yourself. It doesn't sound like things are great, the pressure of a baby is massive, space might do you both some good.

Thank you for your reply. I have tried to talk to him for 10 years over his drinking but now I’m just nagging. How can I help someone who won’t even admit it’s a problem? He says I’m trying to change who he is and I knew he liked to drink when I met him, so he isn’t willing to change obviously. I just can’t believe he would walk out right now when I need him most. No wonder he feels better in the last 4 days than in the last 8 months. He’s getting a full nights sleep and isn’t having to look after the kids, dogs, house! I’m getting angry about it all again. I can’t just up and walk away even though I have felt like I could have many times!

Honestly, if I was you I’d go see a solicitor and get him served with divorce papers. Push it through hard. I don’t normally say that but this is now the second time he’s done this. He’s actually quite selfish. No sticking power. He’s left you with a baby because things got tough. So let’s look at the future. He decides he loves you again, probably after shagging somebody else again and realising grass ain’t greener. You take him back. What if when you’re older you get poorly. Menopause hits bad for example. Is he going to stick through those hard times? His track record says no. Then you’ll be 50ish and facing starting again. If he’s not solid about you now then how is he going to be solid about you through life’s ups and downs. He’s a fair weather guy. I know it’s painful but I’d personally stop engaging or trying to persuade, get rid, head down with the baby for a couple of years and when she’s a bit older and sleeping better start getting back out there and meet somebody reliable. You’re just setting yourself up for a lifetime of uncertainty and stress if you let him keep yanking your chain like this.

Ouch that hurt but so much truth in that. I just wish I’d been stronger the last time round and didn’t take him back but then I wouldn’t have had my beautiful baby now. He is being a selfish twat but he isn’t a bad person, he’s an amazing dad. I’m not excusing his actions but it’s so sad because we have everything to those on the outside. I’m just heartbroken I’m here again and feel so upset for my 6 year old

Babies are hard work. If I’m honest given your past relationship history together your current issues appear to be a pattern which you both keep on repeating.

For what it’s worth, I stopped breastfeeding at six months (two months longer than I probably should) because it was impacting my MH being almost constantly tethered to DD.

The problems in your relationship are structural and maybe this is a good opportunity to treat it as such and get help.

Agree with pebblemix

You can’t change the decision you made in the past but you can use your experience to make a better decision this time. You don’t want to be back here in 10 years time saying the same thing again. He went to counselling and did/said the right things because it didn’t work out with that other woman. Are you sure he’s not got his eye on somebody else? He sounds the type. Susceptible to other woman flattery when things get tough at home. This exact same thing happened to a friend of mine except that her baby was 6 months old. He did come back because, again, grass wasn’t greener. She struggled on with him for another 5 years until he eventually upped sticks again. Don’t put up with this behaviour. Like you said, you don’t get to walk away!

He sounds incredibly selfish and to expect a thank you from you for being a dad is not on. Does he realise he's not a babysitter?!

I'm still BF my 9 month old. It's soooo tough, harder than I ever imagined. Same as you co sleeping and waking at night as he's not sleeping through. It's what babies do. I bet you'd feel refreshed and a lot better having been away for 4 days! I know I would ha.

I just wanted to say you have done amazing to BF your LO and deserve to be treated much much better than you are

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, your routine sounds exhausting.

In your OP you have laid all the blame on him though, perhaps use this time apart to reflect on both your roles in your relationship and reflect on what you both worked on in the counselling sessions that helped you in the past?

The impression I get is that he seems to want to see the children (but not you) would it be possible to meet up for a coffee or a meal away from the DC and talk about your relationship.

Oh OP reading that was tough so living it must suck! 💐
I think he’s emotionally checked out I would agree, I highly doubt there’s any intention on his part of returning so it’s all about what you do now. Are you going to sit around and wait? Or are you going to kick him out of the door and slam it behind him?

I 💯 understand your choice to breastfeed. I’m pregnant and equally determined to BF due to the benefits but what I see here is you wanting a predominantly selfish man to think that you’re wonderful for dedicating your body to your baby in the way you have. He won’t/doesn’t think that- I can almost guarentee. I think that, other women will think that, but He just resents you for ‘enabling a clingy baby’ who ‘ruins your alone time together’ and ‘makes you miserable and snappy at him’! That’s his perspective.

What you say about him complaining he got
‘No thanks’ - says it all. This is his show and he doesn’t really care what your sacrifices as long as he gets constant praise!

You need to turn these things around on him. When was the last time HE thanked you for anything? Where is YOUR praise? Why does he expect from you what he doesn’t offer? Rather than being the villain in this story ‘always snapping at him and never grateful’ you need to turn it around SWIFTLY!

HE has walked out on his family
HE is emotionally abusive
HE had an affair 🤔 and broke your marriage vows (separated or not)
HE has a drinking problem.

One thing I strongly believe from what I’ve read so far- this man much prefers to be the victim than the villain! Don’t give him that!

He's made up his mind. Start planning your future.

It’s ages since I breastfed my DC, I loved it but it was hard work, especially the fact they didn’t sleep through. Once I stopped (went back to work full-time at four months, never got the hang of breast pumps) they slept much better. I think you have s lot on your plate and a tough time ahead, so suggest you consider your own needs a bit more and wean your DD off BF. What to do about your DH? Talk. On neutral ground, away from DC.

@HattieRabbir
"HE had an affair 🤔 and broke your marriage vows (separated or not)"
The OP only got married 2 years ago which was after the affair.

"Amazing dads" do not check out of the shitwork just because it gets rough

He is a shit dad who abandons his family to navel gaze and shag other women because his massive ego isn't getting sufficiently nurtured

Let him go for good this time.

I think somehow blaming you for bf is odd. Everything you’ve described about breastfeeding is normal - feeding to sleep, not sleeping through the night etc. Your husband is not a good dad if he resents you for doing this. He should be supporting you to enable you to breastfeed. Bonding is not just down to feeding; caring for babies in other ways is also bonding - bathing, cuddling and playing for example. I’m not sure that I’d want him back tbh and that’s even without considering the drinking and critical comments.

Why did you bring a second child into a relationship that was clearly never ever going to work?

Unfortunately I think pebblemix and Anyfucker are correct.
It is natural to be angry and heartbroken and that will take time to heal.
In the meantime, you need to concentrate on the practical aspects - for example, take some legal advice about finances to make sure you can keep a roof over your and DC’s heads.

It does just sound that you both don’t have A strong enough bond to be a couple or a partnership. You both have a pattern of bickering and splits that go beyond “rough patches”. That both of you are now looking to blame each other for the problems is understandable. But it’s not going to bring you together, which is fine.

That you both don’t work as a couple doesn’t mean you both can’t be good parents. It will be more difficult in some ways and easier in others. But it will be impossible if you both create an atmosphere of blame and continued bickering.

It will take some time to process the split but don’t go looking for ways to hate each other. Something easily found on the internet. Instead focus on how you both can do best by your children.

If you are honest with yourself though, did you really expect your relationship to survive this?

Have you considered introducing a bottle and attempting a quicker bedtime routine? For your own mental health? Taking that long to settle to sleep would be a nightmare for me. Nothing to do with DH. How will you manage an older child, 2 dogs and running the house if you spend so long with the baby? If you're on your own for the time being.

He's not actually amazing,
He's bog standard, and wants a fucking kinder egg for that as well. A lot of couples haven't resumed a sex life at all at eight months, so he's fortunate there.

I think you might find a new start is your best option here.

Urgh, why is the bar always set so incredibly low for fatherhood?

If you behaved the way he behaved (wanting praise for simply parenting, ruining family holidays by getting drunk, leaving the family home when you aren't getting all your needs met because the kids are rightfully being put first) would you consider yourself a good mother?

I don't think you would. So why is he a good father?

When he says 'space' he means 'freedom' checking out of the marriage and full time parenthood so he can have it easy. It's fucking ridiculous behaviour from a grown man. He needs to decide what he wants and stick too it. Or you decide for him...

I think @feministwithtitsin has it in a nutshell.

When the going gets tough; he just goes. He can't deal with it. He's not a good father if he expects thanks for simply being a parent. He's checked out. I think you should take control of the situation, instead of waiting around for him to come home/make his mind up.

You could be in limbo for years. Or you could rip the plaster off now. And then you can heal and move on. See a solicitor.

I'm sorry OP but it does sound like he has checked out. The drinking is a problem in all of this and he doesn't want to address it - and that's an issue.

Atm you are responsive to your OH so.i think you need to take control of the situation.

I bf and am. Bf still. At 13mths.
Dp isn't perfect but even he wouldn't expect a pat on the back for getting his own son to sodding sleep.
We also only ahve sex once a week on average since 8 weeks post birth. He moans too but I say that's a sodding miricle so put up.
Grumbling a bit is fine, what your dp has done isn't.
I'd feel like a new human after 4 days sleep and to myself... Bliss.
Babies are hard that's way it is and he knew that as you already had one.
I'm sorry but I had an exp who always cut and run when things get tough, my mum saying once a quitter always a quitter and it's true. Someone who cuts and runs all the time will continue to do so.
You deserve more and so does your baby.