Hi
This is my very first post on here. I’ll try to keep to the point, keep it brief but give as much info as possible
We have been together 10 years. Married for 2 and have a 6 year old DD and an 8 month old DD. Our relationship has had many ups and downs. We have split a few times, the last time being 3 years ago. We had been bickering and he said he felt we weren’t right for each other any more. He moved out, he met someone else (definitely after we split, I know because I spoke to her) but decided he still loved me, wanted to make it work. We had counselling and worked things out. We moved house, got married and decided to try for another baby. Unfortunately, we lost a baby but conceived 4 months later and now have a beautiful family which I thought was complete.
That’s the background. Here’s to what’s going on now. I decided I wanted to breastfeed my dd. My husband was apprehensive at first, said he didn’t think he would be able to bond like he did with first dd. I suggested we go to a breastfeeding workshop where he realised the benefits outweighed his doubts and became on board. It’s been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions over the last 8 months, I’ve suffered with anxiety over feeding in public and some days I’ve wanted to run away myself, I just didn’t realise how hard it was going to be. My husband has been supportive and has seen me at my lowest. Our relationship has suffered massively because of the commitment I’ve given to breastfeeding. My dd won’t sleep in her own cot and getting her to sleep at night requires me to lie with her and feed her to sleep which can take 2 hours. By which point it’s bed time for me and dh. She has also never slept through the night meaning I am constantly exhausted. Our sex life has also taken a dip because of this but I have been conscious of this and tried to make time whenever I could. We generally dtd once a week which I don’t think is that bad considering.
So 4 days ago husband said we need some space, we’ve been bickering, don’t spend time together anymore. He thinks space will do us good. He went to his moms. I am going away this weekend with the children, this was already planned before. He has had the kids every night this week and will come back home when I’m away to look after our 2 dogs.
At first I was angry he’s left the home. Something that when we had counselling he realised doesn’t solve any problems. Now I am just heartbroken and want him to come home so we can talk through what is wrong and what we can do to make it better. Tonight he said can I see the children Sunday to which I asked him what is going on. I am left in limbo with this space he needs. He said he has felt better the last 4 days than he has the last 8 months. He feels like a better person and a better father. I have constantly put him down and made him feel useless. Our relationship has holes in it and right now he doesn’t want to come home. He doesn’t want it to get messy but needs more time to think. He says the family holiday we went on 2 weeks ago was make or break for him (news to me) and that he spent 10 days walking our dd around in her pushchair getting her to nap but got no thanks for it?! How about the last 8 months of me devoting my body to my daughter and not getting any thanks for it?! Not that I require him to thank me for it anyway.
I think he has already checked out emotionally and is buying time to decide on the next move. I.e moving out, selling the house etc. When he comes to pick up DDs he’s very quick to leave and keeps any conversations to a bare minimum.
I am heartbroken and can’t believe that he has left because we are going through a rough patch. I have tried to tell him this isn’t forever. Our daughter will only be this small and need me this much once. I can’t help but think there are other reasons he’s not telling me about.
Another factor in our relationship is his drinking. He isn’t an alcoholic but he does have a problem when he relies on alcohol to relieve stress and generally doesn’t know when to stop. I do find him more confrontational and argumentative when drinking. I have tried to talk to him about this on numerous occasions but he doesn’t acknowledge there is a problem. He says on holiday I nagged him too much about drinking but he was allowed to drink because he was on holiday! I can’t deny that, I enjoyed a drink myself but when he’s drunk before we’ve gone out for our evening meal I do think that is a problem!
I have no idea what to do next. I feel like history is repeating itself but this time it’s worse. I could afford the mortgage on our old house but there is no way I can on the new one. Also I am still on maternity leave and my maternity payments have now stopped. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated
Sorry this was longer than I had hoped but I wanted to try and include as much info as possible