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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In Laws: where do we go from here?

52 replies

SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 17:25

I really need some perspective from others on this. Please bear with me....

My DH and I have been together for 17 years and married for 9. We have two lovely DCs who we adore. My DH's relationship with his parents has always been rocky. In particular, his relationship with his dad has always been unhealthy: his father displays some horrible traits. For example, he shows little empathy towards anyone else; he is consistently selfish, putting his own needs first (eg taking jobs abroad without even discussing it with his wife and kids); he takes credit for his own kids' achievements (both of who are in their 40s now), he doesn't show any interest in anything unless he is controlling much of it - and if he hasn't had any input into something then its criticised as being worthless ... pretty narcissistic really.

DH's mother has had years of being treated poorly, but when things get bad (as they often do), she is upset / angry, but then makes excuses for her husband's behaviour and puts it all behind her .. until the next time, when we go through it all again. I worry about her.

So, FIL's angry outbursts are legendary. This weekend, for the first time, I was the target - and all because I asked if the kids could have their lunch first before he gave them gifts - I was halfway through making it at the time. His anger was explosive: purple-faced, shaking, lips curled back, teeth bared, spitting ..... It was awful.

He accused me of being controlling, of being a bad mother and a terrible daughter in law - one that he 'never wanted'. And all because I suggested that the kids eat their sandwich first.

DH was horrified and did back me up - by this point i was very upset. He too got the 'bad parent' message, and was told by his father that he must choose what kind of relationship he wants, just so FIL can 'put his affairs in order'. When asked to clarify, he said that he will disinherit my DH. FIL also pushed me at one point in the 'discussion' which I'm not prepared to tolerate.

My kids are devastated and incredibly upset and the scene they witnessed. My eldest is old enough to know exactly what is going on and is very troubled by it all - the grandpa he thought he knew just appears to be an act.

Thank you for reading this far. So, where do we go from here? I don't want to see them again - i'm not in this to be abused, and ignored (which is usually how far he goes). MIL just seems to be enabling it all and brushing it all off.

I don't want to cut all ties if it means my kids can't see their gma (I don't care about gpa) but equally I don't want to expose them to a relationship that, quite frankly, can be really toxic. They live several hours' drive away.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Vika1985 · 08/08/2019 17:27

I would have nothing to do with them.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/08/2019 17:30

MIL can come see the kids at yours and/or a place half way between you all or she can’t see them.

FIL can fuck off and rot.

HappyintheHills · 08/08/2019 17:31

I would not have anything to do with them, nor would I facilitate contact between either GP and my DC.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 08/08/2019 17:32

As horrible as it sounds I’d probably tell her that you are happy for her to visit / see GC but ensure that she was aware that FIL is not welcome due to his terrible behaviour. And your husband needs to separately make a decision about how he goes forward. I’d probably also refuse to allow GC to accompany DH if he wanted to take them to visit due to FIL abuse.

Sorry you’re in this situation

Finfintytint · 08/08/2019 17:34

I would be wary of seeing MIL as an enabler. Might just be self preservation on her part. Continue to let her have a relationship somehow but limit this self serving fucker of a grandparent to zero.

Butterymuffin · 08/08/2019 17:35

I would wash my hands of any contact with FIL. MIL I would send a message to saying you're always there for her if she needs help and she's welcome to come and see the kids alone. She won't, but at least then she'll know she can run to you if she hits bottom. He's awful and you should keep your kids far away from him.

Mileysmiley · 08/08/2019 17:43

What a nasty bully! I would stop visiting him but still visit the MIL away from him, he will soon get the message. His wife probably has a dog of a life but is too scared to leave, you could try and help her because she probably feels trapped in a horrible marriage with this vile man. I feel for your husband he must be so upset about it all.

Original poster
SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 18:26

Thanks for your responses.

Yes, as I mentioned, I do worry about MIL. I agree with PPs - so many years of her 'D'H has left her with zero confidence and constant need to keep the peace - even if it means that she agrees with the reasons behind his terrible behaviour.

We have kept our distance from FIL in the past, meaning that we can go a year without seeing him. When things were bad a couple of years ago, MIL drove up to stay. We were under the impression she was coming alone, and it was only during her journey that we realised he was with her. He was very controlling that weekend.

Thank you for asking about my DH. He's not in a good place and is very anxious right now. He isn't sleeping well and really doesn't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 08/08/2019 18:32

Your husband needs to go to therapy and work on boundaries and decide whether to go NC which is what I'd recommend and then perhaps couples therapy? Please tell me you left immediately after that awful display?

ColdAndSad · 08/08/2019 18:35

The only way you can go from here is the way which protects you all from your bully of a father in law. You can't continue to allow him to traumatise your children this way.

I know you worry about your mother in law, but she chooses to stay with him despite knowing what he's like. If you want to you could ask her if she needs help leaving him; but chances are she's too used to enabling him to see that she'd be better off without him.

Just take care of you and yours. It's all you can do.

HeyMonkey · 08/08/2019 18:38

He would never set foot in my house again.

RandomMess · 08/08/2019 18:40
Angry

I would cut all contact, sadly I think MIL is a lost cause Sad

slipperywhensparticus · 08/08/2019 18:46

I would stop talking to them dont engage him in the conversation about dis inheriting dh because that feeds the abuse just stop talking dont invite him back and if he shows up shut the door in his face if he kicks off call the police if mil tries to be a flying monkey tell her you dont want to hear it and mean it

Bluetrews25 · 08/08/2019 18:50

MIL might struggle to cope without her controlling abuser.
Saw this happen with my MIL.
Offer to be there for her so she could escape to you if needed.
You continuing to see them both is saying that his behaviour is acceptable, therefore if you stop seeing FIL he might start to get the message that it isn't. (Not saying he will change, that won't happen)
MIL will probably not be permitted to see you on her own.
Is he violent to her?

Original poster
SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 19:07

EKGEMS - Fil stormed out the house after his outburst and we left about an hour later.

Bluetrews25 - yes, Fil has been violent to Mil in the past. He is emotionally abusive - threatening to leave, threatening to withhold finances, threatening to leave her out the will should he die first (they're in their 70s). He is a very wealthy man, and uses that to control the family, really.

Thank you for your continued comments. This really does help Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 19:10

Sorry, that should read he is *also emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 08/08/2019 19:13

Wow-what a horrible outburst! What did your DH’s mum say?

Original poster
SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 19:14

She didn't really say anything at the time. She ushered the kids away about half way through, which is something to be grateful for, I guess. Since then, she's made excuses for the behaviour and minimised it: "oh, you know what he's like", etc etc

OP posts:
PillBox101 · 08/08/2019 19:33

Run, run far away and never look back.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, your DH and your DC.

No amount of money or property etc in the form of an inheritance is worth it. Your DC do not need that sort of abuse in their lives. Your DH absolutely needs therapy, he needs it not just for himself and helping him deal with this situation but also for you and most importantly your DC.
Your DC do not need anyone, relation or not, in their lives that acts this way and is not only emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive but physically too!

SuzieQ10 · 08/08/2019 19:36

I would have to say I would be inclined to cut contact completely with both of them. What he's done is astonishing.

In one of your earlier posts you say he came along to a visit where you were only expecting MIL. So really you can't risk that happening again and she clearly has no say / freedom in the relationship. If she chooses to leave him, then of course the situation changes. But as it stands, go NC with them as a couple.

Original poster
SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 20:13

pillbox101 - that's exactly how I feel about inheritance being used as a stick to beat my DH with. I'm just not interested in his money.

So many times over the years, we've been bribed, cajoled and coerced with money. It's definitely a form of control: we've just finished some work on the house and turned down an offer of funds: we just didn't want to be 'tied' to fil in that way. We saw how such 'gifts' can be used to beat us with when we got married: "look what we did for you ...". Sad.

Even today, we've come home from work to find a delivery of gifts for the kids. Just. Don't.

OP posts:
ModreB · 08/08/2019 20:21

I think I would have just said to him, "Who the fuck do you think you are talking to?" and walked out. I would not subject my DC's to that.

MIL has choices, if she chooses not to take them, including legal choices, then that is her decision. No inheritance is worth this.

SandyY2K · 08/08/2019 20:33

I'm so sorry you went through that. How awful.

If it was me I would keep well away from him and that would only change, if he gathered the family and apologised for his outburst ... but given his history and his abusive nature I can't see that happening.

No more seeing the GC for FIL.

I wouldn't want my DC exposed to that kind of behaviour.

The man should be ashamed of himself. Let him live with his money. How does he think he cut his wife out of his will, when most marital assets are jointly owned?

To those calling MIL an enabler.... remember her generation and that women much younger put up with worse, but are sympathised with and called victims... I think it's a tad unfair to call her an enabler.

What a horrible situation to be in.

PillBox101 · 08/08/2019 20:34

OP, I'm so glad you 'get it'. I've been in a very similar situation with my own parents and as a result, amongst many, many other abusive things they have done to me, I am now NC with them. The preverbal straw happened when my mother started in on my DD2 (who looks very much like me), that was the day I told her to do one (in more forceful terms) and never looked back. It's been years now and it was one of the best things that I ever did.

What I'm trying to say is, I know how hard your DH will be finding this whole sorry situation. Have a read up on F.O.G (Fear, obligation and guilt). Years before I went NC my mother was once again going in at me and using the inheritance as a stick with which to beat me, I told her to take me out of the will, I don't want one penny of their money and even if they did leave me any I would give to a charity because I don't want it. It was liberating for me and seeing the deflation on her face was also very liberating.

Regarding your MIL, she has choices, whether she understands that she does or not. It is unlikely that your FIL will allow her to have any contact with your DH, yourself and your DC's without him. My mother rules the roost and as a result my father isn't allowed contact with us.

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2019 21:35

You can help your dh by drawing your lines. You and gc never see fil. Mil is welcome to visit or meet alone. If she turns up with fil they will not be allowed in the house - be prepared to call the police. Expect no inheritance.

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