I really need some perspective from others on this. Please bear with me....
My DH and I have been together for 17 years and married for 9. We have two lovely DCs who we adore. My DH's relationship with his parents has always been rocky. In particular, his relationship with his dad has always been unhealthy: his father displays some horrible traits. For example, he shows little empathy towards anyone else; he is consistently selfish, putting his own needs first (eg taking jobs abroad without even discussing it with his wife and kids); he takes credit for his own kids' achievements (both of who are in their 40s now), he doesn't show any interest in anything unless he is controlling much of it - and if he hasn't had any input into something then its criticised as being worthless ... pretty narcissistic really.
DH's mother has had years of being treated poorly, but when things get bad (as they often do), she is upset / angry, but then makes excuses for her husband's behaviour and puts it all behind her .. until the next time, when we go through it all again. I worry about her.
So, FIL's angry outbursts are legendary. This weekend, for the first time, I was the target - and all because I asked if the kids could have their lunch first before he gave them gifts - I was halfway through making it at the time. His anger was explosive: purple-faced, shaking, lips curled back, teeth bared, spitting ..... It was awful.
He accused me of being controlling, of being a bad mother and a terrible daughter in law - one that he 'never wanted'. And all because I suggested that the kids eat their sandwich first.
DH was horrified and did back me up - by this point i was very upset. He too got the 'bad parent' message, and was told by his father that he must choose what kind of relationship he wants, just so FIL can 'put his affairs in order'. When asked to clarify, he said that he will disinherit my DH. FIL also pushed me at one point in the 'discussion' which I'm not prepared to tolerate.
My kids are devastated and incredibly upset and the scene they witnessed. My eldest is old enough to know exactly what is going on and is very troubled by it all - the grandpa he thought he knew just appears to be an act.
Thank you for reading this far. So, where do we go from here? I don't want to see them again - i'm not in this to be abused, and ignored (which is usually how far he goes). MIL just seems to be enabling it all and brushing it all off.
I don't want to cut all ties if it means my kids can't see their gma (I don't care about gpa) but equally I don't want to expose them to a relationship that, quite frankly, can be really toxic. They live several hours' drive away.
WWYD?