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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In Laws: where do we go from here?

52 replies

SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 17:25

I really need some perspective from others on this. Please bear with me....

My DH and I have been together for 17 years and married for 9. We have two lovely DCs who we adore. My DH's relationship with his parents has always been rocky. In particular, his relationship with his dad has always been unhealthy: his father displays some horrible traits. For example, he shows little empathy towards anyone else; he is consistently selfish, putting his own needs first (eg taking jobs abroad without even discussing it with his wife and kids); he takes credit for his own kids' achievements (both of who are in their 40s now), he doesn't show any interest in anything unless he is controlling much of it - and if he hasn't had any input into something then its criticised as being worthless ... pretty narcissistic really.

DH's mother has had years of being treated poorly, but when things get bad (as they often do), she is upset / angry, but then makes excuses for her husband's behaviour and puts it all behind her .. until the next time, when we go through it all again. I worry about her.

So, FIL's angry outbursts are legendary. This weekend, for the first time, I was the target - and all because I asked if the kids could have their lunch first before he gave them gifts - I was halfway through making it at the time. His anger was explosive: purple-faced, shaking, lips curled back, teeth bared, spitting ..... It was awful.

He accused me of being controlling, of being a bad mother and a terrible daughter in law - one that he 'never wanted'. And all because I suggested that the kids eat their sandwich first.

DH was horrified and did back me up - by this point i was very upset. He too got the 'bad parent' message, and was told by his father that he must choose what kind of relationship he wants, just so FIL can 'put his affairs in order'. When asked to clarify, he said that he will disinherit my DH. FIL also pushed me at one point in the 'discussion' which I'm not prepared to tolerate.

My kids are devastated and incredibly upset and the scene they witnessed. My eldest is old enough to know exactly what is going on and is very troubled by it all - the grandpa he thought he knew just appears to be an act.

Thank you for reading this far. So, where do we go from here? I don't want to see them again - i'm not in this to be abused, and ignored (which is usually how far he goes). MIL just seems to be enabling it all and brushing it all off.

I don't want to cut all ties if it means my kids can't see their gma (I don't care about gpa) but equally I don't want to expose them to a relationship that, quite frankly, can be really toxic. They live several hours' drive away.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 21:41

The father-in-law is a despicable bestial man, you must not allowed him to treat you like this you must not tolerate this behaviour.

ColdAndSad · 08/08/2019 21:55

The thing about the inheritance is that even if you do as you're told and behave in ways he approves of, you can't guarantee that he will leave you anything at all.

So the best thing is to live in the best way possible, to protect yourselves and your children from his abuse, and to ensure that your lives are good regardless of whether or not he leaves you anything when his time comes.

Original poster
SallyOMalley · 08/08/2019 22:04

Quite frankly, the inheritance is neither here nor there for us. The relationship has been so toxic in recent years, we'd rather chew each other's arms off than take money from someone who is so abusive.

DH told me something else tonight, that he kept from me because it's so upsetting. According to his mother, they pay more attention and buy more gifts for eldest DC, because 'we don't know your youngest so well". We've always thought they favoured our eldest, but this disgusts me.

We're done.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 08/08/2019 22:05

What a bully. This sort of behaviour can be hushed up or normalised among the nuclear family then innocent in laws dragged in and hopefully won’t accept it and blow the abusers power wide open. That happened in my ex’s family anyway when incoming girlfriends stood up to a bullying fil who was awful to his wife and sons.

MsTSwift · 08/08/2019 22:07

Legally if he cut a long standing spouse out of his will she could make a claim on his estate and would succeed. So he is talking bollocks there. He can cut adult kids out though unless relying on him. But mil shouldn’t be cowed by that particular threat.

Summerwellunderway · 08/08/2019 22:09

A life without ils is truly liberating op...

BumbleBeee69 · 08/08/2019 22:14

Your MIL chooses to stay with this man, so do not base your choices on her 'predicament' OP. Close the door on both of them, they are equally vile, He is what he is and your MIL enables it. Flowers

Original poster
SallyOMalley · 09/08/2019 01:36

Thanks for your comments. They're welcome reassurance that we're not being 'over sensitive' in all this.

I just feel sick. I feel like my heart is pounding all the time and my thoughts keep returning to the image of FIL in his for of anger. Here I am in the middle of the night (again) wondering what we could have done differently.

I'm keeping this to reread if/when we start to waver on our decision to drop contact!

OP posts:
Original poster
SallyOMalley · 09/08/2019 01:36

"fit of anger

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 09/08/2019 01:54

I hope you are ok, that must have been awful. Perhaps you could contact your mil down the track and arrange to meet with the kids occasionally. I wouldn't suggest meeting at your house, because if fil turns up it will be difficult to get him to leave, and upsetting for the kids.
Find a cafe where you can arrive early and stay in the car, where you can see the entrance, if fil turns up too you can just leave without any confrontation. You may also need to talk to the kids about not opening the door if either of them turn up at your home.

Sunflowers11 · 09/08/2019 02:05

Do not back down to him, he has already got you questioning yourself over this. How dare he speak to you and treat you like that.

Tell him to stick to his word and disinherit his son because you do not need his money or help for anything, and unlike his wife, you will not put up or tolerate his abuse. Then leave him to rot.

My father is exactly like this, and my family put up with him except for me. I have had some very heated explosive arguments with him over the way he treats people. The older he gets the more he realises he will never control me like everyone else. He leaves me alone and all is good. Perhaps you all could block him and let him sit in his own rage. Nasty old man.

Skittlesandbeer · 09/08/2019 02:18

I’ve found therapy around ‘going no contact’ very useful.

Take your DH along too. Only need a scant few appointments (probably) to really resolve this in your minds. It counts a lot to do this away from angry feelings and crisis points. Just sitting, talking, agreeing. Like you were doing a family budget with your accountant.

You can ask to role-play certain contact situations ie What do I say when MIL rings to discuss a Christmas catchup? Prepare answers you are comfortable with. Practice them, till you can say it with no emotion and really mean it.

For me, it worked well to write a brief email (read receipt) which was very calm and factual, to the person I was going NC with. In your case, perhaps you could write it to MIL instead.

It outlined my boundaries (put in positive terms)- 3 or 4 seperate ones. In the vein of: ‘this is how we choose to live our lives’. It included no raised voices; no physical touch in anger; respectful language, etc.

I then outlined what contact would be entered into (in your case none with him, and with her in certain locations.) I was very prescriptive, included also that I wasn’t prepared to speak to X on the phone or Skype if Y was in the room/nearby. That I would calmly end the call if that happened. Outline any policies on gift-giving. I said gifts from ‘X & Y’ or just Y would be taken to a charity shop, sight unseen.

Once this email was sent, I just referred back to it for several years. No need to ‘discuss’ your boundaries, just point to them (like a broken record). A couple of times I re-sent the original email to make my point.

It’s a bit weird for the family for a couple of months to a year. Then everyone just gets used to it. Well, apart from the NC person! But you’ve closed off contact- direct and indirect- so you don’t hear about it any more. It’s truly doable, liberating, and worth it!

But everyone has to be on the same page, always, including the kids. And watch those flying monkeys! (something to research!).

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/08/2019 02:22

You’ve done nothing wrong OP, an could have done nothing to atop this. Often abusers will only start once they feel comfortable to do so. It was going to happen sooner or later, and if he’s allowed to continue to have a relationship with his gc, he will turn on one of them too (prob your youngest, as your eldest is seen as the golden child).

As other posters have said, go nc with fil, mil can visit you, but if she ever turns up with fil send them packing. Send back gifts and accept no inheritance.

ColdAndSad · 09/08/2019 06:54

Here I am in the middle of the night (again) wondering what we could have done differently.

Nothing. There was nothing you could have done, because you are not responsible for his behaviour. He chose to do this. He has chosen all along to be abusive. It's not your fault. The only control you have in this situation is over whether or not you continue to allow him to abuse you; and if he continues to be in your lives, he will continue to abuse you. If you want to protect yourselves and show your children you won't allow him to treat you all this way, you have to cut him out of your lives.

M0RVEN · 09/08/2019 07:02

They behave EXACTLY like my parents , even down to the same words over something completely trivial, because I had said no to them.

I eventually went NC because I couldn’t let them abuse my kids like that. I went for counselling which helped a lot.

I never saw any of them again because they refused to compromise in any way . Yes they did disinherit me but I had my mental health , I was free from their control, I didn’t let them destroy my marriage and my children weren’t exposed to their abuse.

That’s priceless.

ivykaty44 · 09/08/2019 07:11

I would give it back to grandpa

This row started because you wanted the children to have a sandwich before presents in your home. His anger is obviously an issue, I’d write stating this and ask them for some type resolution otherwise the relationship between you all will break down. You can’t tolerate this type of behaviour that was unnecessary and upsetting it’s nit something you’re prepared to tolerate again.

Leave them to decide to put another nail in the coffin or apologise

LittleCandle · 09/08/2019 07:25

Although FIL may want to cut your DH out of his will, under law, he is entitled to a share of what is left. Have a chat to a solicitor to put his mind at rest over this.

I would not be speaking to FIL again. Tell MIL she is always welcome alone, but if she turns up with him, refuse to let him in. Call the police if he starts throwing his weight around. Pushing you is assault. If the family has let him away with this, he will think he is above the law. Either way, NC with him from now on.

MsTSwift · 09/08/2019 07:37

LittleCandle please don’t give incorrect legal advice what you have posted is wrong if the family live in England and Wales.

ColdAndSad · 09/08/2019 07:40

Although FIL may want to cut your DH out of his will, under law, he is entitled to a share of what is left. Have a chat to a solicitor

This isn't true in England and Wales. As I understand it, only those dependent upon the deceased have claims on their estate.

M0RVEN · 09/08/2019 07:40

He’s only entitled to a share if they live in Scotland, he’s not entitled to anything under English law unless he’s a dependent.

And even then, it’s only a share of the cash, which is a small part of most ordinary people’s estate. For example, my parents left half a million pounds and my legal share was £9,000.

MsTSwift · 09/08/2019 07:57

Plus he would have to go to court and be on risk for costs. Ilot v myerson courts reluctant to grant self supporting adult children a share in an estate if there is a valid will. Unless he’s being supported by the deceased or relied on a promise to inherit. If you live in Scotland or France he will be entitled to a share.

ivykaty44 · 09/08/2019 08:11

The will is irrelevant compared to sanity and in any case he may die before his wife which could well change things as mil may spend all the money on care homes - who knows

75Renarde · 09/08/2019 14:59

Horrible. I can't bear to think about your MIL and DH, what they must have suffered over the years.

BTW the gift is a Hoover. Ignore it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2019 15:08

Where do you go from here?

Nowhere near them for a start.

Please go NC. Your MIL is a grown woman and can make her own choices.

Please don't send a message to your kids that it's OK to treat family (or anyone!) like this.

Bullies should be stood up to. Or totally ignored.

Original poster
SallyOMalley · 09/08/2019 20:43

Thank you all. You've really helped, and Flowers to those who have been through this with their own families.

Our priority is our children - we can't expose them to this abuse and toxicity. They're our world.

DH is finding this understandably tough, but I'll support him as I can.

Thanks again x

OP posts: