Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

5 years together and he dumped me by e-mail

65 replies

PennysPocket · 08/08/2019 17:13

Just that really.

We didn't live together as I have DC who liked him but I didn't want their home taken over and he did not want to move in either. We stayed at each others house 4 times a week and did stuff as a family. He said he loved me and we talked about a future together.

We have been bickering a lot the last few months mostly started by him or because of his behaviour.
We had a stupid argument and didn't talk for a few days.
I e-mailed him and said "can we talk? I love you but I don't understand what's going on. I want to be with you"

He replied " I have been unhappy for quite a while. I have reached a point where I just don't want to be with you. We're done Penny you need to deal with it".

I am devestated. I have hardly slept or eaten in 4 weeks. I asked him for a better explanation but he has ignored me.
So I blocked his number and deleted it so I don't beg.

I cannot see a future anymore. I don't want anyone but him. I don't understand why he would treat me this way.

Now MN you are going to tell me off but in the last 7 months which he says he's been unhappy for. He happily accepted the following from me:
£200 TV as he got a new place and didn't have much money.
£50 microwave.
£60 worth of household bits.
New clothes.
£350 weekend away in Newcastle.
£115 to repair his car.
Countless meals out and nights out paid for by me.

In truth he wasn't a good bf. He spoke to me like crap. Constantly critised me and made me feel I was not good enough. He started smoking weed again (I never allowed it in my home and he couldn't smoke it in his old house). He never had any monet despite a decent job but then again I didn't care I loved him.

Turns out most of my family and friends didn't really like him either and it seems for good reason.
I know he's a twat. I know I deserve better.
So why I am still so heartbroken? Why would I take him back this second if he asked me?
I think at 41 I am just so scared I will never meet anyone else and will be alone I am holding on to him.

Please give it to me straight. Help me see what a shit he is so that my heart mends.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/08/2019 17:16

Just thank the stars for your lucky escape-you’re too good for him and he was clearly a drain. He’s done you a massive favour here. Block. Look after yourself and take time for yourself to heal.

category12 · 08/08/2019 17:20

I should think there's another woman in the picture, to be honest.

He had it good with you, so someone else is more likely a reason he's ended it than vague "not really happy" excuses (and it'll be why he's been picking fights the last few months). Cherchez la femme.

LuckyLou7 · 08/08/2019 17:20

He's a shit. An utter twat. You've dodged a bullet here. You deserve better and you will, in time, meet a man who will cherish you and put you first. 41 is no age.
I would be tempted to get some kind of financial compensation from him but if you can afford to let it go, then do so.

category12 · 08/08/2019 17:22

And early 40s is an ideal time to start again. You will be happy again. Happier than with that one.

31RueCambon · 08/08/2019 17:28

What a taker
He spoke to you like crap too?!
This sounds like no loss at all!
You will be fine.

Take time to recover.

Pittlepops · 08/08/2019 17:29

Exactly in the same boat as you. We were together 3 years, married for one year. Split up just over 2 weeks ago. Absolutely heartbroken then I think of the things he’s done...I paid for everything because he would spend his money, bills and rent would be oh can I give you the rest next month etc etc. He was a drain on me but like you I keep thinking why is it that I want him in my life. He even had the cheek to say to me that his family have told him that whilst he was off sick at work I had a responsibility to pay for everything for him as his wife...which that’s fine but not pay for his car, pay the bills, pay for food. We never went out anywhere despite me wanting.
I am in no way shape or form a materialistic person and money does not bother me but having a man lean on me and not appreciate me and then up and leave me is something I can’t get my head around. But thinking of you and know that I am in the exact position at you.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 17:31

Very sorry that he treated you like that.

Glad you have blocked contact. Don’t take him back if he does ask for this.

The arguments etc could well have been due to him checking out and preparing to end the relationship (at best) or seeking an OW.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2019 17:33

I think there'll be another woman on the scene, too, sorry. There's no way this loser is going to fund himself.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 17:34

You say you “can’t see a future”. You have yourself and DC to consider and need to be well.

If some weeks on the breakup is still badly affecting your mental health and wellbeing, and day to day life, please seek help from your GP.

I advise this as I once had depression after a break up of a long term relationship and didn’t seek help and things got really quite bad.

SummerHouse · 08/08/2019 17:35

You are worth more than this. So is your DC. All those details, each reinforcing what an utter twat he is, will one day help you to see this. This is by far the best thing he could have ever done for you. Utter, utter twat. So sorry you feel this way. Have you anyone to talk to in real life?

31RueCambon · 08/08/2019 17:36

Yes a leech who talks to you like you're crap cannot be what makesyou look forward (to the future)

Henlie · 08/08/2019 17:39

Very sorry to hear of your situation Op. Like others have said, reading between the lines, someone else is most likely involved.

In my experience, men rarely leave a comfortable relationship to be on their own 😏, they’re normally leaving it for someone else.

Original poster
PennysPocket · 08/08/2019 17:39

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know you are right.

I think other woman too.
I just hope she's loaded!!!
Oh he will be all charming and attentive in the beginning just as he sucked me in. Then after a while he will revert back to being an arsehole.

Thing is before I met him I was a confident person and happy in my own skin. Now I feel worthless I have zero confidence in myself and who's going to want a women with 4 school age children.

Sorry for the pity party. He really has done a number on me Sad

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 08/08/2019 17:43

No way! Shock

gwilt · 08/08/2019 17:49

Well done. Many in your position would not see that he was a twat.

You have done the right thing - a similar thing happened to me years ago, and it felt horrendous. With time, I saw what you already see now.

An anecdote doesn't prove anything, but my lovely friend found love after 2 divorces and with 5 school age children.

Sending you best wishes.

areyoubeingserviced · 08/08/2019 17:50

Definitely another woman
He’s someone else’s problem now
You will have more money to spend on yourself now that he’s not there to drain you
I know it’s difficult to believe atm, but He has done you a massive favour. You will be fine .

Original poster
PennysPocket · 08/08/2019 17:53

Flowers for you Pittal
It's an awful way to feel. I feel dead inside.

Positive stories are good.. They give me hope Grin

Please don't think I am pathetic but I think about him all the time.
I only have 1 or 2 items that remind me of him but he clearly has loads and I find myself wondering if he thinks about me. Like when he watches TV or wears the clothes or looks at his watch. It's all consuming and its driving me nuts!

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 08/08/2019 17:58

Ewww, OP, he's gross.

If the OW's loaded, she won't be for long.

What a grenade he is.
You're well clear.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 18:01

You are obsessed with a fantasy relationship that never existed. He is nothing more than an abusive, free-loading loser and you should be thanking your lucky stars to be rid of him. He was only with you because you gave him what he wanted, no pressure or questions asked. You didn't demand proper treatment and that's exactly the way he likes it. A bit of resistance from you and surprise, surprise, he dumps you like yesterday's rubbish. All the while cheating with another woman, I have no doubt. Give your head a wobble, pick yourself up, and move on.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 08/08/2019 18:03

In truth he wasn't a good bf. He spoke to me like crap. Constantly critised me and made me feel I was not good enough. He started smoking weed again (I never allowed it in my home and he couldn't smoke it in his old house). He never had any monet despite a decent job but then again I didn't care I loved him.

You don't need us to tell you what a shit he is OP, you told us already!

You are worth more, so very, very much more than him. Than someone who is grabby, emotionally neglectful and an overgrown child. More than that, you deserve someone who won't dump you via email after 5 years!!!

I'm sorry it's so hard for you, I hope the pain eases soon and you see what an utter cockwomble he is.

Oh and I'd be asking for what you bought back.

alligatorsmile · 08/08/2019 18:04

Worst case scenario: you never find another partner, you re-discover your own likes and passions, you get into a new hobby, you meet a bunch of like-minded people, you piece together your self esteem, you feel better than you have in ages, you grow old with 4 lovely adult children popping in to see you, you get to eat all the chocolate cake you bought, you get the whole bed to yourself and you revel in your freedom.

Best case scenario: he comes back, you take him back, he continues to erode your self-esteem, your kids learn that you/women in general are worth shit all, are there to provide and support others only, that having a man is the only thing you live for no matter how shit, selfish or nasty he is, your girls grow up thinking that's all they deserve, your boys grow up thinking that's all women are good for, and you spend every moment walking on eggshells wondering when he's going to up sticks and leave again.

zafferana · 08/08/2019 18:08

I'd hazard a guess that you're heartbroken, because despite him being a twat with many faults he was the one to dump you when (for some utterly unfathomable reason), you were still in love with him.

OP, use your head here and tell your heart to fuck off. This guy is a loser and you can do SO much better. Be thankful that he's gone from your life. Dust yourself down, take a deep breath and do your very best to rebuild your life (a much better life without a sponger like him in it), and enjoy the summer with your kids. You honestly do deserve better. If your friends and family didn't like him that tells you everything you need to know. The people who actually do love and care about you think he's a twat. Listen to them.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2019 18:13

Do you think he is sat at home thinking he has no future ?

Do you think he is reaching out to strangers for comfort ?

Do you think he is blaming himself for the end of your relationship ?

Do you think he is devaluing himself and worrying he will never kiss someone else ?

No. He is stoking his massive ego thinking of your devastation. He is buttering up some OW. He is congratulating himself on being the player that is so fabulous he can have women like you funding his lifestyle then dumping them when gets bored

Now get a grip. You are a grown woman with responsibilities, not a 14 yo knocked back by her 1st boyfriend. This was not the romance of your life. He was a user and you let yourself be used and discarded. Learn a lesson...toughen up and move on. Life hss much more to give you than pandering to random losers like this.

minou123 · 08/08/2019 18:15

I could have written the same thing a few years ago. Was with ex for 5 years, he became horrible, abusive, smoked weed, had no money so spent mine.

What I realised when I was heart broken was that I was mourning the loss of the good times. I missed when he was the great boyfriend, but that died a long time ago and reading your op, it seems he checked out a long time ago. You are only going through it now.

This is my advice, for 1 day only, have a good cry, eat some chocolate icecream (or any other treat). Then the next day you need to tell yourself you would rather spend the next 100 years alone than 1 day with this cockwomble. You also need to congratulate yourself on refusing to be walked over and treat like rubbish.

I know you're feeling a little down at the moment, but in my opinion, you're self esteem should be through the roof. You saw him for what he is; a lieing, nasty, money grabbing, waste of space.

You are worth more.

VenusTiger · 08/08/2019 18:29

One word OP: closure.

It’s what you want and need in order to move on.