5 years together and he dumped me by e-mail

[PennysPocket]

Just that really.

We didn't live together as I have DC who liked him but I didn't want their home taken over and he did not want to move in either. We stayed at each others house 4 times a week and did stuff as a family. He said he loved me and we talked about a future together.

We have been bickering a lot the last few months mostly started by him or because of his behaviour.
We had a stupid argument and didn't talk for a few days.
I e-mailed him and said "can we talk? I love you but I don't understand what's going on. I want to be with you"

He replied " I have been unhappy for quite a while. I have reached a point where I just don't want to be with you. We're done Penny you need to deal with it".

I am devestated. I have hardly slept or eaten in 4 weeks. I asked him for a better explanation but he has ignored me.
So I blocked his number and deleted it so I don't beg.

I cannot see a future anymore. I don't want anyone but him. I don't understand why he would treat me this way.

Now MN you are going to tell me off but in the last 7 months which he says he's been unhappy for. He happily accepted the following from me:
£200 TV as he got a new place and didn't have much money.
£50 microwave.
£60 worth of household bits.
New clothes.
£350 weekend away in Newcastle.
£115 to repair his car.
Countless meals out and nights out paid for by me.

In truth he wasn't a good bf. He spoke to me like crap. Constantly critised me and made me feel I was not good enough. He started smoking weed again (I never allowed it in my home and he couldn't smoke it in his old house). He never had any monet despite a decent job but then again I didn't care I loved him.

Turns out most of my family and friends didn't really like him either and it seems for good reason.
I know he's a twat. I know I deserve better.
So why I am still so heartbroken? Why would I take him back this second if he asked me?
I think at 41 I am just so scared I will never meet anyone else and will be alone I am holding on to him.

Please give it to me straight. Help me see what a shit he is so that my heart mends.

So glad I posted!

This is what I need a bit of kindness and a good kick up the arse.

I think I am in shock. I never thought we would split up let alone by email... While I was at work.

He was not romantic. Never bought me 1 bunch of flowers. His gift giving was crap with little thought... I got the same ugly dressing gown 2 Christmases in a row!

The red flags were so many I think I became blind to them.

I am looking at this through roses tinted glasses. I am remembering how much I loved him and the good Tim's we did have. I should be remembering how little I meant to him.

Just keeping telling yourself:

'I deserve better than this thoughtless, crap bf'

Because you do.

What a wanker ... freeloading git !! .. poor you .. it will be horrible for a while but then you will be glad you are rid of him , and well done for blocking him

Sorry for you feeling so low - it’s teally tough .
You know deep down that you are better off without him but that doesn’t help remove the pain you are feeling now .

It’s sadly true but the only thing that will help is time .
Just be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time .
Initially you will think of him every hour but over time it will get better .
I’m 8 months in and cannot believe how far I’ve come ... it still hurts when I think about it but nothing like the initial pain which was simply heartbreaking...
I do sympathise, at the beginning you cannot imagine ever feeling better but I promise that you will ...

41 is no age art all - honestly !!
Take care x

Op, I know you are hurting right now but you've shown that the strong confident women you describe from before you met him is still there-you've deleted his number!
Now you are processing it all, I know it might not feel like it, but you're actually so much better off having him out of your life. And so are your lovely kids who deserve to see their mum being treated better. Stay strong.

Its such a horrible process isn't it? You are in shock..the goddam brain goes all stupid and starts craving for the love bug potion. Its not there anymore so makes us feel and do stupid things. Don't let him back when he emails or calls later in the day when the newbie doesn't give him any money. You are going through what is best described as a horrible withdrawal from the love bug. The cold turkey bit is the worse.....just get through it and breathe every day and pat yourself on the back. Think about all the money you wasted on him, save that for yourself and go and have a great weekend away either with friends or by yourself!

oh and mine dumped me at age 51, I am 55 now and having the time of my life, single but dating various lovely chaps!

Honestly? He's done you a favour.

You need to have a good hard look at your standards and your self esteem.

What were your relationships like before him? How did previous partners treat you? And your parents?

I hope you can focus on boosting your confidence and eventually realise how much better off you are without him.

He really has done you a massive favour OP. I genuinely believe you will look back on this and be mortified you ever put up with his shit in the first place. You will get there and it will make you stronger for the next time you meet someone. You can choose to let this break you, or use this as a learning curve to finding someone decent.

This thread is helping so much.

I keep re-reading the posts.
He was a shit and you are right he's not sat barely functioning without me. He's busy enjoying all the stuff I paid for!!!

I just wish I could fast forward 2 months so I don't feel so heartbroken and lost. I know it takes time but it's so shit.

More of what a shit he is please.

Oh last year for his birthday I spent £120 on a canoe he wanted and spent a further £300 on a night away in Manchester at a Marco pierre whites restaurant.

My birthday 8 days after his. I got a Groupon deal meal out and my Groupon bracelet was lost in the post... Forever.
God I was such a dick 😒

He accepted those things from you because he's a user.

He spoke to me like crap. Constantly critised me and made me feel I was not good enough

I'm sure you wouldn't want a child of yours to be with such a person.

You say your kids liked him...but would they if they knew how he treated you?

Is that the example of a relationship you want them to see? Course not.

He's not worth your sadness ...he's a liability and you're better off without him.

Be a Dick no more

New day
New you
No more dick. At least until you accept you are worth more than bankrolling users like this.

What were your relationships like before him? How did previous partners treat you? And your parents?

I was married for 14 years. Lovely bloke very respectful and great dad. We get on very well even now. We just stopped loving each other.

My parents married 50 years my mum is a strong practical woman whos children are her world. My dad is a hard working and very loving always had time for us as children.

Penny...you have had good examples of what a relationship should be like

Don't be the woman that shows her kids bad ones.

Keep that email,so everytime you think of wavering.Look at it.And remember.Especially in a few weeks when he tries to wheedle his way back in.

Keep that email,so everytime you think of wavering.

I have it printed and in my bag so I can remind myself what a waker he is.

remember.Especially in a few weeks when he tries to wheedle his way back in.

He won't. He's too stubborn. He's said it's over and it is. He won't come back no matter how much I want him to but that actually is better for me that's he's cut me off means I can get over him quicker.... Wobble...

So you should have known better then

You will get over him and I suspect you'll be over him a lot quicker than you imagine.

As I said, I've been where you are. In fact, I have a horrible feeling we have dated the same man!
I thought exactly the same as you. I like to think of myself as a strong person who would never allow myself to be treated like crap. I was really angry with myself for falling for his bollocks and putting up with it for too long. It will pass, I promise. I'm 3 years along and the only time I think of him is to laugh about him.

So you should have known better then wink

I really should have 😁

Do you mind if I post more of the crap he has done? It helps.
. So I paid for a night in Newcastle, I was always trying to keep romance going
We were in the hotel having a few drinks before going up to the room we had just checked in.
He went for a cigarette outside and as we had finished our drinks and I needed the loo I text him to say gone up to the room 301.
I didn't realise to use the lift you had to have the room key.
He rang me carrying on from the lobby that I had left him looking like a dick. I tried to explain I didn't know as other people were in the lift with me. He just spent most of the night calling me a cunt despite me saying sorry a 100 times..

God he really is a bastard!!

I am an idiot.

My mom is getting married at 50 she met her future hubby to be 4 years ago after being with crap men most her life. He is lovely and adores her.
Don’t ever think you are not good enough and don’t ever “settle”. Your ex sounds like a prick, good riddance. Like others have said go to the gp if you are depressed, get yourself to a gym or some form of exercise, focus on your kids rn and time is a great healer you will be fine and in time will look back and think phew dodged a bullet there! Good luck op

You should never have apologised for the incident with the lift! It wasn't your fault. You didn't know you needed the room key. HE was the cunt, not you.
Give yourself time to grieve for the relationship you thought you had and every time you wobble,list all his bad points in your head - or write them down and read through it. You will get over him, and sooner than you think. It sounds like you are beginning to realise you hitched your wagon to a complete and utter loser. Onwards and upwards, my dear

Wow what a complete and utter tosser he is, I know you can’t see it now but believe me, in time you will look back and be so grateful that he left. I was in your position 6 years ago, there was an ow, they lasted 3 years and he’s now alone, he tried to come back many times but there’s not a chance in hell I’d go back there. It completely broke me when he left and took me a good 2 years to get back to myself. For me, it sent my self esteem crashing to the floor because I was thinking that if a loser like him didn’t want me after everything I did for him then I must be unlovable. This article hits the nail on the head www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/i-cant-believe-they-dont-want-me-syndrome/
Hope it helps you

That last post makes clear that he is abusive.

Off the top of my head I can think of at least 5 women who have found a good loving partner after age 40. It is not a cut off point for the right partner.

Holding on to someone because there might not be another allows you to let yourself be treated badly. Instead why not tell yourself there will be someone, so you don’t feel the need to tie yourself to a horrible waste of space.

Btw well done for not letting him move in. He may surprise you and say he wants to get back together even though you say he’s stubborn. Be prepared. The answer is NO. He is not worthy of being a partner.

For me, it sent my self esteem crashing to the floor because I was thinking that if a loser like him didn’t want me after everything I did for him then I must be unlovable.

This is how I feel right now!

I will read the article thank you.

Yes Loopy he was an abusive prick.