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Original poster

DH's solo trip

64 replies

Bananasplitter · 08/08/2019 07:07

DH is somewhat eccentric. He always did things on his own to some extend.

anyhow, this summer, he left a job in July and starts a new role in September so lots of time in between and he decided to go on a 4 week interrailing type holiday on his own. he also wants peace and quite and time for himself, so he decided not to take the phone. I have no means of contacting him, also in case of emergency.

we have DS1 (12) and DS2 (6). DS2 has a chromosome disorder and severe LDs. I also work and we have no family support . So whilst DH is traveling I am working, ferrying DC to the holiday clubs (the SN inclusive for DS2; DS1 goes to a football club near home. All awfully stressful.

Next week I will be going away with the DC (last minute type package holiday in Croatia if that matters). So we aren't sitting at home whilst DH is travelling.

anyhow, I am so used to the odd things DH does. I am not really bothered but I got a lot of reactions from friends when I told them about DH's latest 'adventure'.

I am not sure it's me - is it weird to be not bothered by this? Is this a sign that things have gone wrong for too long and that I am now on a position where I am unable to tell when things cross a line. or is it great that we give each other (well, I give him - I would never do the same, I just couldn't) space or is leaving a family which includes a child with complex needs without any means to be contacted behind totally out of order?

I really cannot tell anymore and this worries me just as much as his actual trip.

relationship is fine. no abuse of any form. but we we are both rather stressed which leads to frequent arguments. not blaming DS2 but his disability put a lot of pressure on us and we get zero help from SS or family.... DH struggles much more than I do with DS2. just for context.

would appreciate some thoughts.

OP posts:
Parent999 · 08/08/2019 07:13

The only thing that really matters is whether it bothers you. If that works for you guys then great. Maybe a holiday for you both is what you need, even if separate. Please dont let people tell you what is normal, they'll convince you there is a problem when there doesnt have to be.
Would he do the same for you though?

whitebowls · 08/08/2019 07:17

If it works for you and your DH and your DC it's fine. We all have different expectations and experiences in relationships from the very needy to highly independent couples.
My DH doesn't fit in the 'norm' and I am happy with our marriage....very happy. I've had looks and comments over the years. Which I ignore.
What other people see as wrong is often a very (very very very) narrow minded approach.
If you've discussed things and agreed to your DH's idiocies and you're all happy then that's what works for you.
Be happy.

HulksPurplePanties · 08/08/2019 07:21

Sorry. Four weeks with no way of contacting him in an emergency when you have a child with special needs is not on. Forget the trip, forget everything else, that is not acceptable in any relationship.

DoctorManhattan · 08/08/2019 07:22

Regardless of special needs or anything else, I think it’s totally out of order for any parent to be away for such a long period of time without any method of contact. What if something happened you?

Tentomidnight · 08/08/2019 07:23

Whilst I agree that if you and he are happy then it’s not an issue, I find his lack of desire to parent his own children very sad. He’s not in touch with them at all? Your poor children.
You say that you are very stressed yet your dh has gone off on a solo adventure, unfettered by any responsibilities. From the outside that doesn’t sound like a happy, supportive relationship.

user1474894224 · 08/08/2019 07:27

I agree space in a relationship is great. However not taking the phone for you to contact him is not really on. It's not like you could even pass a message on via the hotel reception as he isn't in one place. Does he not want to speak to you and the kids? (That's a bit weird).

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:27

What do you mean “eccentric”? What else has he done?

Can the family afford for him to be earning nothing - while spending money - all summer?

IMO is behaviour is very selfish, and to your and the DCs’ detriment.

YOU couldn’t feasibly take weeks off, spend lots of money and be completely out of contact. Absolving himself of any responsibility.

Who does the majority of parenting and domestic work? Bet it’s not him.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:28

OP is not OK - she’s run ragged!

She is scared to challenge her DH.

Pineapplefish · 08/08/2019 07:33

You could never take off and leave your DCs for four weeks - I get that. But is there something that you would like to do? Say a week or weekend away doing something you've always wanted to do that isn't very easy with the kids in tow? Would your DH support you to do that - maybe in Sept when he gets back?

Kitsmummy · 08/08/2019 07:33

He's always been eccentric?? Or a cunt?

Original poster
Bananasplitter · 08/08/2019 07:34

Can the family afford for him to be earning nothing - while spending money - all summer?

he was made redundant and found a new role starting in September. I have been made redundant a few times. it happens. and he got a payout.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/08/2019 07:34

For eccentric read ‘selfish without apology’?

Original poster
Bananasplitter · 08/08/2019 07:35

But is there something that you would like to do? Say a week or weekend away doing something you've always wanted to do that isn't very easy with the kids in tow?

I have done weekends away without the DC. no issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananasplitter · 08/08/2019 07:37

Who does the majority of parenting and domestic work? Bet it’s not him.

I do more but I work only half days. he last role had a long commute leaving 6.30 and coming home between 7 and 8. there is only that much time in a day.

OP posts:
HulksPurplePanties · 08/08/2019 07:37

I have done weekends away without the DC. no issue.

Could he contact you in an emergency?

Pineapplefish · 08/08/2019 07:38

In that case I think this is reasonable. He should be contactable in an emergency though.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:39

Yes redundancy happens, but instead of seeking temp work or parenting his DC during the school holidays, he chose to splurge time and money on himself, to your and the DCs’ detriment.

A family member works with DC with SN, she observes that many fathers fail to “step up”. Mothers often find it very challenging and get on with it. Some fathers avoid parenting and/or leave the family and have limited contact, get a new partner. Sounds like your H could be one of those Sad

Original poster
Bananasplitter · 08/08/2019 07:39

eccentric isn't maybe the best word. he is not like most husband's. anyhow, should have known better than to use this word in here as the cunt callers are already out.

that wasn't the point of my post. thanks for those posting constructive feedback. calling him a cunt in exchange for eccentric is pretty low. I am out.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 08/08/2019 07:39

Weekends away are different to 4 weeks no contact. He should be holidaying with his family. I wouldn't he surprised if he had ow or going out there for sex, family men dont abandon there dw and dc one who has SN for a month.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2019 07:40

4 weeks of doing solo parenting and ft work when one of the dc has additional needs is incredibly selfish.

If you are ok with it, fine, but it doesn't change the fact that he is taking advantage of you.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:41

It’s not reasonable. Don’t understand some posters’ view.

There was a thread in AIBU recently about a father of DC with no SN going away for 3 weeks and the vast majority of posters roasted him. Because of the impact on the OP and the DC. And because his/family resources wouldn’t enable the OP to behave in the same way.

Plus, mothers don’t do things like that, and if they do are harshly judged.

Stpancras · 08/08/2019 07:41

For various reasons (mutual choice, expats) we spend a month away from my DH each summer. We whatsapp every day and video/voice call regularly. We are just coming to the end of this year’s time away and my kids are totally pining for dad! My DH and I both have interests that mean solo holidays from time to time but a month away with no means of contact ... to me that sends a cold and uncaring message to your DC.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2019 07:41

OP does he ever have the dc on his own (for a day/weekend/week etc)?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 08/08/2019 07:41

It's clearly bothering op enough to post in the first place.

upple · 08/08/2019 07:42

If you're genuinely ok with it OP, then there's no problem, surely.

What other people think is irrelevant.

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