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Original poster

DH's solo trip

64 replies

Bananasplitter · 08/08/2019 07:07

DH is somewhat eccentric. He always did things on his own to some extend.

anyhow, this summer, he left a job in July and starts a new role in September so lots of time in between and he decided to go on a 4 week interrailing type holiday on his own. he also wants peace and quite and time for himself, so he decided not to take the phone. I have no means of contacting him, also in case of emergency.

we have DS1 (12) and DS2 (6). DS2 has a chromosome disorder and severe LDs. I also work and we have no family support . So whilst DH is traveling I am working, ferrying DC to the holiday clubs (the SN inclusive for DS2; DS1 goes to a football club near home. All awfully stressful.

Next week I will be going away with the DC (last minute type package holiday in Croatia if that matters). So we aren't sitting at home whilst DH is travelling.

anyhow, I am so used to the odd things DH does. I am not really bothered but I got a lot of reactions from friends when I told them about DH's latest 'adventure'.

I am not sure it's me - is it weird to be not bothered by this? Is this a sign that things have gone wrong for too long and that I am now on a position where I am unable to tell when things cross a line. or is it great that we give each other (well, I give him - I would never do the same, I just couldn't) space or is leaving a family which includes a child with complex needs without any means to be contacted behind totally out of order?

I really cannot tell anymore and this worries me just as much as his actual trip.

relationship is fine. no abuse of any form. but we we are both rather stressed which leads to frequent arguments. not blaming DS2 but his disability put a lot of pressure on us and we get zero help from SS or family.... DH struggles much more than I do with DS2. just for context.

would appreciate some thoughts.

OP posts:
NotSoFrankly · 08/08/2019 07:43

Wanting to go on a solo trip — fine. Just announcing you’re doing it as a fait accompli — not fine. Leaving the other parent solo with a PT job, and two children, one with complex needs, for a month — not fine. (Are you, crazy?) Leaving your phone at home so you are completely uncontactable by your spouse or children for a month — not fine.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:43

A couple of posters have been rude, sure, but your RL friends have expressed surprise and concern and they too probably (privately) think your H is a dick for this!

The problem here is your H.

Kitsmummy · 08/08/2019 07:44

It's actually the first time I've ever called someone a cunt on here...but the fact he is totally uncontactable for 4 whole weeks, even incase of emergencies, whilst you struggle with ill children with special needs, I find that absolutely abhorrent

supercee · 08/08/2019 07:46

Would he be fine and happy if you did the same and went on a jaunt completely incommunicado for a full month? I suspect not.

Morgan12 · 08/08/2019 07:47

If my DH done this and I genuinely wasn't bothered I would think its because I don't give a shit and have checked out the relationship.

Is this the case? Are you happy with him? Or happy he has gone for 4 weeks?

Awrite · 08/08/2019 07:48

How does it make your children feel?

They may prefer him not to be home. What does that tell you?

If they do prefer him home, I return to my first question.

Either way, not good regardless of how you feel/cope.

stucknoue · 08/08/2019 07:49

Every relationship is different, my h was a bit like yours, I humoured him, he needed his space because we have very different personalities sort of thing. Now he's decided he wants to live alone too, so it's game over. I'm not saying this is the case here but consider the possibility that he's really unhappy, I didn't until too late. We have sn issues too and it's stressful plus I have wrapped myself up in sorting things rather than looking at my relationship

HettySunshine · 08/08/2019 07:49

What would happen if you were in accident and had to be hospitalised? With no family support and no means of contacting your dh who would look after your children?

Going away for four weeks - absolutely fine if you're happy with it. Being incommunicado with two children at home - unnecessarily risky.

Parker231 · 08/08/2019 07:50

Wouldn’t work for me - DH and I both parent our DC’s. Who does he think is going to help you whilst he is away. Not taking his phone is not acceptable. Does he not want to speak to you and his DC’s.

pictish · 08/08/2019 07:50

I was with you (or rather, him) right up until the part where you mention he doesn’t take a phone and wants no contact, then I thought ‘wow...absolute prick’.

Not to be doom-laden...but should anything happen to you or the kids, be it illness, accident or any other sort of incident that might occur that he needs to know about, he’d remain oblivious about the whole thing. And this is what he prefers?

Solo holiday...meh. Cutting himself off from his family for four weeks...strange and selfish. Not normal. Not very nice at all. Fuck him.

Bezalelle · 08/08/2019 07:51

own. he also wants peace and quite and time for himself

Ha. With two young children. Priceless!

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:52

Funny how it’s always fathers who “need” money, time, NOT to parent or do domestics. At the direct expense of their partner and DCs’ needs and wishes.

Do you even know how much his trip is costing?

Parker231 · 08/08/2019 07:53

If he’s not working over the summer, why wouldn’t he look after his DC’s?

Mary1935 · 08/08/2019 07:53

Hi it’s a bit selfish - when do you get a break - I hope you have some other family support as you clearly have your hands full.
What if something happened to you or him - he must take a phone or call you when he’s away.

Karwomannghia · 08/08/2019 07:54

If you are ok with it that’s great, but as a parent I wouldn’t ever want to not be contactable because I love my children and I would find it hard to get past the fact that their father wouldn’t want that. Is he likely to ring you though? So on his terms?

Daffodil2018 · 08/08/2019 07:57

I personally would find this intolerable.

A long weekend solo but answering texts etc - absolutely fine.
A long weekend solo with no contact - just about ok.
A week solo but with contact - just about ok.
4 weeks solo with no contact - you must be joking!

You are an amazing mum to be juggling all this.

mindutopia · 08/08/2019 08:00

I think it’s quite an odd and irresponsible arrangement. I get traveling alone. I go traveling alone and it’s wonderful. I do away without my dh or dc every year on holiday (for like 3-4 days usually, a week or more would only be for work trips, no different to my dh).

But it’s the checking out of family life that I would see as an issue here. Why no phone? What if you were seriously injured? Your dc could be taken into care if there was no one to take over for you. One of your dc could become seriously ill and he would have no idea.

My dh and I go away but if dh is going out for the night and leaving his phone at a friends for 6 hours, he tells me he’ll be un contactable and when he’ll be back, in case if emergency. I’ve never had to panic and contact him in those circumstances, but it’s responsible to make sure your kids are safe and well if you aren’t around to parent them.

Beyond that, why if he works such long hours does he not want to spend this time away from work with his family?! I work 6am to 7am most days. Last night I didn’t get home til 9:30pm and I left this morning at 6am. I haven’t seen either of my dc since Tuesday (it’s now Thursday obviously)! If I had 4 weeks off, I might take some time for myself, sure, but I’d be spending 90% of that making up for all the time I miss with them. Not off on a 4 week phone free jolly.

It’s quite odd and it sounds like he’s checked out and left you to deal with everything.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 08:03

OP has explicitly said she’s not OK, she’s having a hard summer working and parenting alone.

She has also said she was/is scared to challenge her H. And expressed concern that due to his past behaviour she isn’t confident that she can recognise what is U on his part. Her very agreement to his most recent choice this summer suggests that this concern is well founded.

dontdoubtyourself · 08/08/2019 08:05

Sounds like you've both checked out emotionally.

I really would not be shocked if this isn't as solo as you think. Especially with the phone business.

Piglet208 · 08/08/2019 08:07

The going away for 4 weeks solo for a holiday when married with children is unusual. However, many couples have long distance relationships, work away and manage so if you were happy I would say ignore what others think. The thing that worries me is the no contact. This is a man who is withdrawing from not only his marriage but also his children. It is beyond eccentric for a father or husband to be able to shut you all away as though you do not exist with no guilt or concern. If you add in the worry that you can't contact him in an emergency it really shows in my opinion that there is a major problem. I wouldn't want to be married to this man and I would suggest that you think about how much you value yourself if you are happy to continue the marriage when he returns.

saraclara · 08/08/2019 08:07

I was the one who took solo trips in our relationship (so no, it's not always men) . Our kids were late teens by then though, and my late husband very much encouraged me.

But I was paranoid about being contactable. I made sure that my family had some contact from me each day and knew where I was and where I was staying (not easy back in the days of dumb phones - I relied on internet cafes) and that they could contact me in an emergency.

Whatever works for you though, OP. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. But if you are starting to get fed up with solo parenting, you need to be able to say so.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 08:09

Late teens is completely different from a young DC with SN and a 12 year old.

Tonnerre · 08/08/2019 08:13

Have you talked to him about what would happen if, say, you became seriously ill, OP? It doesn't seem fair on anyone for another relative to have to take over.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/08/2019 08:13

Will he be looking after the DC at any point over the summer holidays? Why would you go away for 4 weeks which would mean DC having to go into holiday clubs?

I couldn’t cope with the no contact thing either. Not just from any potential emergency point of view but why wouldn’t you want to speak to your family for 4 weeks?

Rainbowqueeen · 08/08/2019 08:15

For me the not being able to contact him would not be acceptable. And yes I find it odd he doesn’t want to speak to his kids or you for a month

The rest I could live with depending on how it was dealt with. Did he ask or tell you he was going?? Before he goes and when he comes back will he do extra to take the load off you and make your life easier? As well as doing those extra things you never seem to have time for when you are working and have young kids. If yes I’d be ok with it