What is your relationship like with your mum?

[nightowl]

Do you see her often? if not why?

Do you talk much (idle chit chat or "proper talking")?

How is she with your kids?

Do you do anything? ie go out for a meal or anywhere really.

Do you ever argue?

Does she ever help you out in any way, or offer to?

How do you feel about your mum? do you think she's proud of you? does she show you affection?

particulary interested in lone parents opinions, but the more the better!

I absolutely adore and admire my mum. She was a fantastic mother to me and my brother when we were little. Patient (beyond belief), kind, loving and just perfect, really. I strive to be the kind of mummy she was to me. Since I had my DD we have become even closer. She looks after her 2 days a week (I work 4 days, and my DH looks after our DD for the other 2 days). My mum is everything to my DD that she was to me. She absolutely loves her, and the feeling is mutual. I am utterly blessed, and I don't know what on earth I'd ever do without her.

Do you see her often? if not why?

Do you talk much (idle chit chat or "proper talking")?
Yes talk tons, chit chat and other stuff too.

How is she with your kids?
As she was with me, not overly grandma-ish more like a 2nd mum to them

Do you do anything? ie go out for a meal or anywhere really.
Yes all the time, going for a spa day tomorrow!

Do you ever argue?
No, WE had a year or so of not getting on and had a huge row when I was 17 (am 33 now) have never argued since.

Does she ever help you out in any way, or offer to?
All the time, I ask more than she offers and she will say no if she really doesn't want to or can't but overall helps loads.

How do you feel about your mum? do you think she's proud of you? does she show you affection?
No affection really but thats the way she was brought up, I try hard not to be the same with my kids. Not that it's a problem, I know she is very proud of me

particulary interested in lone parents opinions, but the more the better!

if your relationship is crap, has it always been?

and vice versa.

Its been great since I moved out

sorry for got this;
Do you see her often? if not why?

Every day almost. She lives 3 roads away

Yes, from the minute I was born and was pink rather than blue.

Message withdrawn

my mum is pathetic. she lives in corwall and we are in london, we moved to cornwall to be closer with dd and my mum visited us 4 times in a year and we were 15 mins away, she never offered to babysit. when dh and i talked about living seperatley my mother replied why does he have to move out you go!
also she dosnt think twise about bailing my brother and sister out finacially when in the past i have been in a flat with dd and no elecrtic. oooh i feel a tad resentfull

Do you see her often? No. She died 12 years ago, but I still wanted to write about her.

Do you talk much (idle chit chat or "proper talking")? Talk a lot to her. I miss her terribly, especially now as I'm pregnant, and could do with her with me right now.

How is she with your kids? She never met my kids. A week before she died she gave me £100 and sent me to town to buy 2 teddies. Not to ask questions, just do it. I did. When I returned she told me they were for the 2 boys I'd have in the future. She cuddled them for the next 6 days until she died. My 2 ds's have them and treasure them, knowing they were gifts from their grandma in heaven. She didn't get the number right though - I'm expecting ds3 next month, so I'll go buy another one on her behalf I think.

Do you do anything? ie go out for a meal or anywhere really. Visit her commemerative cherry tree in the cremetorium gardens on mother's day, boxing day, her anniversary, sometimes her birthday.

Do you ever argue? No, she never argues back, no matter how much I moan and groan and go on about myself.

Does she ever help you out in any way, or offer to? She never actually offers to help out. But she does help me out in many ways.

How do you feel about your mum? do you think she's proud of you? Mostly I think she'd be proud of me. Lately I went through a patch where I really did wonder if she would be proud, but I think she probably would be. I've done ok. Becoming a mum myself without her around was the hardest thing I've done. The pride I have in my boys is probably the same she feels in me.

what memories do you have of your mum when you were a child? are they fond ones? Happy memories. She was a great mum. We had a few bad times, but looking back the memories that prevail are the happy ones.

did you celebrate special occasions? She always put on a good party to celebrate all occasions. I wish I had more of that trait.

what do you remember her doing most? what did you do together? She always put us kids first. I remember she worked and studied very hard, but always had time for us, always. She set us an amazing example of how hard work will reap rewards. She played with us, and took us to interesting places. We weren't well off at all, but every year we had amazing camping holidays in europe somewhere. She showed us how a little bit of something can go a long, long way.

I wish she wasn't dead.

I haven't seen her for over a year and don't want to. Because she stood back and did nothing whilst my dad was a complete and utter b***d towards me all my life and now I have my own children I cannot for a minute comprehend how a real mother could watch her childfen being hurt and do nothing.

We don't talk now and never did talk properly.

She was ok with DC.

We never went out for meals etc.

We did argue.

She did help out but only to get to see her grandchildren not really to help me.

I despise her and have no respect for her. I have no idea if she's proud of me and she never showed me any affection.

your post brought a tear kinki

i havent seen my mother in over 7 years. not spoke to her in over 3 years. nor do i care to at this point in my life.

Do you see her often? if not why?
No
She lives in my home country and is still angry because we moved back to Scotland. But even if we did live back there we wouldn't.

Do you talk much (idle chit chat or "proper talking")?
used to definately not now

How is she with your kids?
not good she is a firm believer that kids should be able to entertain themselves. Have not made any contact to them for over a year now despite the fact that we have told them that the "fight" is between the adults and not the children and we are not going to keep her from seeing our children

Do you do anything? ie go out for a meal or anywhere really.
never have, never will.

Do you ever argue?
Have only stood up to her once which resulted in me being disowned

Does she ever help you out in any way, or offer to?
no, not really we would have to ask her. She has the need to feel that we then owe her something

How do you feel about your mum? do you think she's proud of you? does she show you affection?
nothing good I am afraid.
I know she isn't proud of me,she told me herself.
No.

particulary interested in lone parents opinions, but the more the better!
sorry not a lone parent. why do you need this

if your relationship is crap, has it always been?
no only when I told them we were moving back to Scotland.

what memories do you have of your mum when you were a child? are they fond ones?
not many. As I said she is of the opinion that children should be able to play on their own. I have many memories of playing with my little sister.

did you celebrate special occasions? yes.

what do you remember her doing most? what did you do together?
saying; wait, I just need to clean this.
Walked to school

oh god this is sad

you have to think that these are the people who had the same worries and cares over us when we were little ones

how did so many relationships get like this

my mother is a mad old bat btw

I was my parents' doormat for my whole life. Did everything they told me to. Stood up to them once and basically got disowned.

Their choice not mine.

sorry was rambling a bit, only really dropped the lone parent part in with regards to helping out and things and wondering if it was relevant in how much time anyone spends with their mum etc blah blah.

im trying to make sense of my relationship with my mum at the moment. she does a lot of things i dont understand and was wondering if im maybe the cause of them, if i expect too much or, well if i need to change my behaviour towards her. i didnt put it in am i being unreasonable as there's a lot of history to it. i wondered if the kind of mother i want her to be doesnt exist or what a normal mother-daughter relationship should be like.

some lovely posts on here but some very sad ones too.

Hi Twiglett,

Re your comment
"how did so many relationships get like this?"

Good question. In my case I think the rot (vis a vis a mother and daughter relationship as adults) really started when I began to make my own way in the world. It was not obvious before then.

In my late 20s I met a man who is now my husband and my parents I do not think were best pleased with my choice. Before I got married I happened to overhear my Mum talking about me to my Dad and, well, let's just say it wasn't good.

hi nightowl,
well she calls in most days, and stays about 15mins.
we do talk a mixture of chit/chat and serious analysis! i have become very aware these days that she sometimes repeats things to my sis that maybe i would'nt have mentioned to my sis in the first place.

she loves my kids but finds it almost impossible to show them much affection or to get down on their level and play with them.if they are being loud or demanding she can't stand it and has to leave.

we very rarely do anything together.on the odd occasion i escape to her house for a coffee without kids which she seems to enjoy. if i take her out with me and kids she has a pained expression on her face which i mostly interpret that she is not really enjoying herself, but just doing her duty!

we never really argue, maybe have a heated discussion once a year.

she looks after my youngest whilst i collect others from school most days.occasionally babysits in evening, but me and dh only go out for a couple of hours for a pub meal then home again. i would never ask her to stay till late evening because i know she just wouldn't want to.

i love my mum but i feel sad that she can't bring herself to hug me or say she loves me. i think she's proud of me and dh and the way things have turned out. it upsets me deeply that her and my dad are divorced and that he has since re-married.i think she still loves him but would never admit it.

i feel really sad that my mum had such an awful upbringing and that this has shaped her personality,she cannot show her love with hugs or kind words.still she shows it in other ways so in that respect she has done well for herself.

Well I'm one of the lucky ones with a fab mum. I think this has a lot to do with me being adopted (PFBx100) and it's something we talk about as my mum didn't get on too well with her own mum. I have disagreed with mum more than once but never to the point of cutting all contact - OK there was a time she didn't speak to me for a week but we got over it.. Anyway she was there when DS was born and she was brilliant. I'm a single parent (I don't say 'lone' because DS dad is very involved with him and ver good dad, he just doesn't live with us) and my parents have been great and look after DS quite regularly.

I know I'm lucky and hope the above doesn't sound maddeningly smug.

My mum's an utter hug-bunny, but quite mad.

I love her to bits, but the minute we spend more than a day in each other's kitchens we get all territorial and fractious, so the 300 mile distance is at times very distressing, but at other times entirely neccesary.

She's the only person I know who can get utterly hammered on one glass of Advocaat.

Twiglett, regarding your question.
The reason so many relationships get like this is for whatever reason, our mothers didnt receive the love they needed as children. This could be because the post-war generation raised them, because of dodgy childcare advice to their parents, or anything really. So they dont have the ability to love as a mother. This is unbearably painful for a child to cope with.

I'm just so afraid that dd and I might end up like my mum and me. If our mums couldn't get past their own upbringing - what about us?

Interestingly I was also adopted but it did not work quite the same for us as Madamez. After dad died, my mom said she was afraid she had ruined their lives by adopting me. I think she loved me, in her fashion - but our relationship was very difficult. Intense, even suffocating, I felt the constant pressure to be a different kind of person to the one I clearly was and a constant guilt about that.

She died 4 years ago before dd was born and had advised me not to have children. In fact, I really wonder if I would have had dd if she were still alive. I nursed her at home at the end and I'm sorry she's gone - but truthfully, it has also freed me from a kind of steady torture.

She had a fierce temper which I stove to avoid at all costs. When she was angry with me - I very rarely argued back. I think I should have stood up to her more and I wish dad had stood up to her.

She was very generous - not the kind of person at all who expected too much done for her. But a mad old bat - as some others have said.

She never had friends - even as a child - and I think dad and I were the only people she ever really had to maintain a relationship with. Dad just went for the peaceful life (and it was his choice). For me - it was a struggle. We talked, and I sensed that she would like to be closer but it was just so dangerous for us to go beyond chit chat - we were like different species. I was like a wolf raised by sheep.

And yet she also wanted things to be different for me than they were for her. Scary to think that. I just feel sick thinking that dd might feel like this about me some day. Jill

no because she works full time and at weekends likes to spend time with my dad or there friends.

idle chit chat or about other members of the family or work

great with the kids but only if she has asked to be with them

only go out with her with other family members never on my own. last time did that was to buy school uniform about 20 yrs ago !!

she ignores me if i disagree with anything thats said or done as not to argue

sometimes financially i do 9/10 pay her back. SHE will offer when i have to go to work but thats all maybe about 15 days a year

dont feel like i know her always worked loads when i was growing up sometimes embarresed of her, she not proud of me always could of done better she feels, she trys to show me affection .
if she,d been around more for me from ages of 10 to 18 instead of worrying about money and holidays and her career im sure would be closer. feel really sad about the fact were not close dont think we really like each other but there is some love there my brother and i arent close either so feel like only got me dad husband and kids.

nightowl, everything about my relationship with my mum makes me sad.

She is a very bitter and unhappy person, very needy but proud and easily offended. She desperately wants to love me, says she does, writes long soppy letters, and cuddles me incessantly if we're in the same room. But she hasn't a clue who I am, as an adult, and doesn't know how to find out. She ignores or forgets what I tell her about myself, my values and tastes, instead believing I like what I did when I was 4. Mostly she just complains about life, the universe, and everything - nothing to do with me. 2 of her kids aren't even speaking to her, she has said such horrible things about them, to them.

So I find it hard to be with her or listen to her, and I tend to avoid her. [shame]

Our relationship is like this because I don't know how to change it, and she doesn't want to or isn't able to recognise it needs changing, I'm not sure which.

I'm not willing to stop trying, though. After my dad died I realised I was terribly lucky not to have any outstanding issues with him, and the one thing I'd hate is for her to die and me to feel that I hadn't given it a good shot with her.

So bring on the brick wall - I'm still gonna bang my head against it, as long as I can.