The whole "best friends" thing ... essentially dysfunctional?

[NotQuiteCockney]

I have had a few 'best friends' in my life, and it's always been, in the end, an unmitigated disaster. I still speak to everyone, but they annoy the hell out of me, and the whole situation was stupid.

I'm not talking about close friends, I'm talking about friends you have to talk to every day, tell them everything, etc etc.

I've had a few 'best friends' like this over the years. I attract them. They love me, idolise me, want to be with me ALL THE TIME. And if, god forbid I mention seeing another friend without them invited, you get the 'puppy dog' look or full on bitching. I cut them completely out of my life, have nothing to do with them anymore.

I am now VERY wary of making new friends. Too wary, I watch v carefully for signs of possesiveness and nip it in the bud by being 'busy' most of the time and not giving them a chance to hook onto me. People like this are basically nutters (cause I say so ;). And you won't be the only person they do it too. I find they are very thick skinned when it comes to rejection from you. Their social skills are non exisitant. For example I say 'oh i'm going to so and so's on tuesday night' they say 'oh what time? I'll meet you there' or another alternative 'oh can I come? please please!!' You need to be firm to the point of rudeness to get your point across to them and not give in to emotional blackmail however embarressed and mean you feel at saying no.

Oh god all the memories are coming flooding back...think the best one I had was one who stated it outright...I went to live in at college...first time I met new room mate 'we're going to be roomies and BEST FRIENDS!' with a huge scary smile and a massive hug...me and my mates didn't hug...let alone me and a complete stranger...then i got dragged round the college by her...she introduced me, as above to EVERYONE.... My mate had a 'best friend' who invited herself round to her house every day for a year staying til early hours...my mate finally said something, then said something else then again, and tried again...took her saying 'do not come round anymore' and a row for her to back off...a bit...then to start coming round again...she also used to strip naked in her front room to try on clothes, borrow things with 'i'm just going to borrow this', throw up in her toilet as she was anorexic, walk in and put the kettle on...stay for hours when a mutual mate of theirs became my mates b/f...like I said, no social skills.

I don't have a best friend. The whole idea makes me feel claustrophobic. I do however have some REALLY GOOD friends - from school, uni, my sister, my sil, and a couple from more recently who live locally. All of whom I can have a great conversation with and have fun with. No agendas, no secrets, just straight down the line.

My dh is my best friend anyway - he's the person who knows me better than anyone else.

I am truly interested in NQC's ref. to her "model of friendship" - & what it was & where it came from. Do you feel like elaborating?

Interested because I just (talking with my MIL this last week) worked out what all what I think of as my dearest friends - which are not enormously many, but they are generally very long-term and sort of solid - have in common: which is that they are all in some way teachers or teachers manqué - they all have versions of the exact same collaborative thoughtfulness, where whatever you discuss ends up so much more interesting (or amusing) than either of you would have got to on your own. So that's my model. I'm not sure, though, where I got it from (unless it was that my grandpa & my great-aunt & x million other members of the family were all teachers & nice in similar way).

It's because you're like that and are quite fabulous.

I only have one best friend who i have known for 36 years ,she knows everything about me and vice versa ,she knows all my faults and i know hers and we accept them . If im fed up or upset i would ring her before my family or DH because i know by the end of the conversation she will have me laughing and have put everything into perspective ( its not going to drop off and the world will not stop spinning !). I have other close friends who i care about and who i would do almost anything for ,but my best friend would have to wipe out the population of a small country before i stopped being her friend !

My best friend is my Ds he is so cool. He's better than you

"but my best friend would have to wipe out the population of a small country before i stopped being her friend !" absolutely ratclare.

My bf I met at sixth form. Whenever we get together my sides hurt. I can cry and I can stamp, I can laugh and tell bad jokes.

But that said.... it took me years to realise that I had a best friend. So many people have been high maintenance or I discovered that seeing them brought me down... so I started culling and now I have a set of close friends... including 3 that I meet and go out to dinner with every 6 weeks. They make me cry with laughter and we have shared some difficult moments of our lives together including separation and death of a spouse.

I'm happy with the way that my friendships work out now.

I have had the same best friend since I was 3 years old and i moved into the same street as her. Sometimes we speak 3/4 times a week then dont speak for 3/4 weeks for no reason other than we both have busy lives. I love the bones of her yet sometimes she annoys the hell out of me. I would never change her for the worl nor replace her with a 'new best friend'. I tell her everything and trust her completely.

I do have other friends though who have new best friends [read cling on] every other week. Cant understand the concept tbh - quite childlike IMO.

People know they are my friends when I disagree with them. People who are not my friends, I just nod and smile.

My friends, I will put the effort in to have a proper exchange of views, and if I think they are doing something really wrong or dangerous, and they ask me, I will stick my neck out and TELL them so. Because I DO care about them, not because I don't.

I am totally with Carmenere

MI, you are a LOVE
I do hope NQC comes back to this, don't you? It's making me think about those images of friendship in antique children's books - where the lonely child-hero(ine) arrives at a country station & is met by a pair of siblings driving their own pony & trap; on the journey there is an exchange, at the end of which everyone has joyfully & effortlessly got the measure of everyone else and the story can begin.

I don't think I've ever got the measure of someone in under three months.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

I've only read the OP.

I've never had a friend like that.

And tbh, I wouldn't want to live in someone's pocket like that, or them in mine.

I agree with carmenere too these people are not true friends. I remember going through a period where my best friend and I didn't really keep in touch for over a year because our lives where taking different paths and sort of got in the way when we were in our early 20's. When we did meet up it was like we'd never not spoken I told my mum this when I got home and she told me this was a sign of a true friend and she was right. I can't be doing with high maintainance friends who get in sulks if you don't ring them even though they don't ring you. One of my so called friends used to me up and I'd say hello how are you etc and she'd answer me in a sulky voice so she'd rang me up so she could be in a mood with me. I don't need that crap. Like Mars I started culling too, life's too short to have these people bringing you down the friends I have now are brilliant and a joy to be around.

*ring me up

I don't have a "best friend", I find the whole concept pretty immature. I have moved around a fair bit since leaving university, so have friends scattered all over the place, but have only really got "close friends" since having children.

I see my school friends when I go "back home", and it will be 18 years this year since we left school, but when we do get together it's like we are still at school and see each other every day.

My DH is probably my "closest friend" and I tell him everything.

I fell out with my best school friend when we moved in together after both getting jobs in the same city, and would advise anyone to think twice before doing so - we have spoken once in about 13 years! I don't think we'll ever get in contact again....

Agree with carmenere,I too have three real friends ...are you one of them carmenere??

I have had a few 'best best' friends in my life but I find that because these friendships can be so intense, I eventually need space, find them completely annoying and back out of the friendship. As I've got older I've realised I don't actually need these kind of friendships i.e. see each other constantly, ring each other every day etc.

I currently have 2 very close friends, one who I see a lot and have grown really close to since our pregnancies and the birth of our sons 2 weeks apart, and the other who is the wife of DH's best mate - we just clicked instantly and she is a fantastic friend.

TBH, DH aside, my sister, mum are my best friends and I would call them if I had any major issues.

I had best friends at school, but once I got to college it was more groups of friends. A few years ago I lost a good friend as she became swallowed up by her best friend. So much so she did not have time for her other friends (me included)

I did have a best friend for a while, when ds was about 2, but the friendship became too intense and clingy (from her side). She was deaf, and very clever, very lovely, but a little needy. She was forever texting me, and when one day I did not respond quickly enough she sent me what I believed was a sarcastic message. So I sent one equally sarcastic one back, and she told me never to contact her again. In a way it was a relief as the friendship was a bit stifling, but to this day (5 years on) I do miss her. I found out later from one of her neighbours that she had been very clingy with her too, so I think this particular person was just a needy person. I was suffering greatly from depression at the time and a needy person was the last thing I needed

I am now friends with a group of mums at the school. I am closer to some than others, and there are two that I know I can call on for anything. They are good friends. But not best friends.

I think my 'best' friend is a girl I worked with 15 years ago. I left work 8 years ago to have ds, she had her first child last year. We only meet up every 3 or 4 months at the most, but when we do we just slip back into the easy rapport we had when we saw eachother at the office every day. She is probably the best friend I have. She is there, I know where she is, she makes no demands, and she is lovely!

To be honest, after spending time with the dc and dh, I don't really have time for a best friend. I like my 'me' time!

I fell out with a friend earlier this year and we've only nodded at each other in the library once since then. Every now and then I do miss her but it was more a friendship of convenience in the end - we used to go to the cinema, out for drinks, the occasional holiday, or evening classes but no emotional closeness as such. If I had a problem she had no sympathy or time to listen and even asked me to miss my graduation so we could go to Paris to watch Coldplay (having grafted all that time to get my degree, missing my moment on the stage wasn't an option)!! I arranged to meet her one night earlier this year, didn't finalise exact times with her and then discovered she'd gone out to an alternative venue without letting me know when I texted her to ask what time she wanted to meet me (basically she got a better offer without letting me know). A flurry of sarky texts went back and forth until I basically decided 'not to play' anymore and stopped replying. She does tend to run through friends every few years as she is fairly clingy (you daren't make plans without her at weekends but she wanted to do something without you, she would and would tell you about it afterwards). In the end I decided that I couldn't put in the work to call it a friendship and quit. Pretty childish really.

I couldn't live without my best friend! I have known her for fifteen years, we talk/text/msm numerous times a day, not because either of us feel obliged to but beacause we are that comfortable and it's natural. There is absolutely nothing I couldn't tell her and vice versa. We have had so many good times and bad times but have never once argued or fallen out (touch wood, never will). Neither of us have a sister so maybe that is what we see in each other? We were brought up at opposite ends of the country and met at uni, our lives have be so similar it's scary, same family, our parents do the same jobs, similar things have happened to us both. Although we are both married with kids we are soulmates and our husbands accept our closeness and as a result they and our children are good friends. I am extremely lucky to have her and can't imagine life without her, she is truly needed!

NotQuiteCockney,

If you have had a few best friends then you have never really had " a best friend." A best friend picks you up when you are at your lowest and you pick them up when they are at thier lowest. You can get in the worlds biggest fight with a best friend and your heart feels broken. Then a couple of days, weeks later you are hugging. The thing is you LOVE your best friend like they are family. I have had mine for over 15 years now. We have celebrated births together and cried over break ups together. We have gotten ourselves into trouble and then out again. We don't talk everyday but I love her every single day.

I think it does depend on your concept of "best friends".

True friends are nothing like the kind of set up you had at school. Where there could be "only one....", and you HAD to do everything together, and like the same things, etc etc etc.

I had a few of that sort at school, that changed practically almost every term. I did have a good friend, who was in the year below me but she was also my next door neighbour too, and we have remained friends all this time. Although I barely see her or hear from her now (she moved to Australia for a good few years), when we do see each other, it's like time hasnt moved on at all.

Also, I believe that some of the best friends you'll ever have, you find much later in life.

In fact, I've met one or two on here

There are lots of things I am grateful to MN for.......