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Original poster

The whole "best friends" thing ... essentially dysfunctional?

78 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 14:36

I have had a few 'best friends' in my life, and it's always been, in the end, an unmitigated disaster. I still speak to everyone, but they annoy the hell out of me, and the whole situation was stupid.

I'm not talking about close friends, I'm talking about friends you have to talk to every day, tell them everything, etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 15:39

I am happy to see my school best friend, when we meet up. We just have less and less in common. The anorexic one really annoys me, I don't know why.

I do have other friends from these times in my life, who I am very happy to see, and still get on with, and who don't annoy the feck out of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 15:39

I think the model of friendship that I started out with was stupid and not helpful.

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 02/08/2007 15:40

Agree with mi.

motherinferior · 02/08/2007 15:42
Issy · 02/08/2007 15:43

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Dinosaur · 02/08/2007 15:44

"You're my only friend
And you don't even like me"

A favourite quote from a favourite song of mine .

(Not aimed at you btw, mi, I think you like me, or at least you put up with me...)

motherinferior · 02/08/2007 15:46

I think I'm nicer to my friends than my partner

But then my friends don't leave their socks and pants on the floor for ages [cross]

theman · 02/08/2007 15:46

have the same best friend since i was 5 and essentially the same group of mates since i was around 14.
as someone said before a best mate is someone who you can go months without seeing (which happens often with mine) but within 5 minutes of meeting them it is like they never left.

theman · 02/08/2007 15:48

also on the subject of partners being best friends, i always get given out to by my other half because i don't give her that title.

MadEyeMisdee · 02/08/2007 15:48

i saw my 'best' mate the other week for the first time in almost 4 years. no awkwardness at all.

Issy · 02/08/2007 15:51

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

motherinferior · 02/08/2007 15:55

I had a rather odd and demanding BF who dropped me when she moved in with her boyfriend. It was all v weird, and yep, rather like being dumped yet underpinned with secret relief because she was very, very demanding indeed.

I can't be Mr Inferior's best friend because I know bog-all, and care less, about cars.

FioFio · 02/08/2007 15:55

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Oblomov · 02/08/2007 15:56

I talk to my bf about my dh. I kind of think that is essential. You gotta have someone to turn to, for a moan, right ?

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 02/08/2007 16:00

Well, the other thing is, as an adult (and parent!) there are so many people making demands on you, emotionally and physically, that more demands are not exactly tempting ...

OP posts:
FioFio · 02/08/2007 16:00

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Oblomov · 02/08/2007 16:01

Issy, I feel really
I forgot to mention the 'other' bf, in between my school bf and uni bf. We werre very close during our 'sixth form' years - 16-18. She went on a GAP year and 'dumped' me. I cried and cried.

Oblomov · 02/08/2007 16:04

Agreed NQC. No time for 'demanding' friends, aquaintances or bf's anymore. Saying that I have never seen my bf as 'demanding' in any shape or form. I get as much, if not more out of our friendship.

Flamestorm · 02/08/2007 16:11

My "best friends" have all inexplicably stopped talking to me over the years (as far as I know I didn't sleep with their boyfriend/eat the last malteser or anything).

Since the final one I have stuck with "close friends". Much better - have some space (sometimes with one friend we can get a bit in each other's pockets and we just have a natural break), but still very close.

RL friends - I can think of 4 close friends, all of which I have very different friendships with, and all of which I would drop anything to help.

Meeely2 · 02/08/2007 16:18

I have best friends from school, we tell each other everything and can pick up where we left off no matter how long its been. we don't need to be in constant contact, we've all had kids, we all know the stresses of everyday life and not always having the time.

I can be me round them.....i don;t think any of my current 'friends' from where i live now know everything about me at all there is a lot i hold back from them.

Lazycow · 02/08/2007 18:43

Not sure about that I never had one of those type of friends. My bext friend ever is the one who understnds when we haven't spoken for ages but we still really get each other.

Why on earth would you want to speak to anyone every single day? The whole idea just makes me want to hyperventilate. I've just never developed that sort of friendship.

Snaf · 02/08/2007 19:03

Agree 'close' friends much better idea than 'best' friends (or best friend, singular, which I guess is the whole slightly dysfunctional and weirdly intense point).

One of my past 'bests' was a very intense relationship but I'm not even sure we liked each other very much. She died, suddenly and rather dramatically, last year and it's affected me in some rather unpredictable ways... It was strange, that's all I can really say.

The other was in the 6th form and we were completely inseparable. We would write each other long letters when we got home from school - even if we were back in school the next day! - and I clearly remember sobbing, just before I left for university, that I wouldn't be able to live without seeing her every day. I went, promptly forgot pretty much every word about her, and have seen her once in the 15 years since...

Now, I have close friends. I love 'em, I confide in them (two of them saw me sobbing loudly to Carly Simon the other night, the shame, the shame), I hope they'll always be around in my life, but they don't define me, or confine me, like those early 'bests' did, and for that I am endlessly grateful.

motherinferior · 02/08/2007 19:06

SNAF SNAF SNAF

I have lost your email. And the article is out. Can you email me?

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 21:44

Don't think I have a "best friend" as I couldn't single one friend out. I have good friends, who I know I can call up, text, whatever, after not speaking for what could be months, and know they will be there for you when you need them, just like carmenere describes.
I have a friend who I see very infrequently, yet she offered to come with me to my nan's funeral if I needed her to, that is a good friend!
I couldn't cope with someone I had to ring everyday, I am useless with phonecalls at the best of times!

madamez · 02/08/2007 21:51

I have had 'best' friends in my younger days; some of whom I lost touch with in the general upheaveal of moving on, changing life, going in different directions etc - but if we ever tracked each other down it would be like we'd never been apart. Well, except for one best-friend-at-school. That friendship came to a messy unpleasant end and though our paths crossed once or twice since it's not exaclty been a source of joy. THough the last time - about 4 years ago I checked out Friends Reunited and she was on there and we swapped a few emails, and it was pleasant but no big deal...
I have half a dozen people now who I know I could call any time in an emergency (you know, a friend will help you move... a real friend will help you move a body) and they could (and believe me, often do) the same for me