Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband sending money to his parents while we are struggling

55 replies

Melanie1811 · 05/08/2019 13:08

Not sure what to do. We live in London and have a child. Finances are very tight. We feel almost desperate because it looks like we will never buy a home, because we can’t save anything. I took on second job to have a bit of extra Money. My husbands family lives in Africa and they are building 6 bedroom house! It’s almost finished. My husband mentioned to me he is thinking about taking a loan to help them finish the house. I’m not happy about it as we are really struggling here and I think me and our child should be a priority. He got upset a bit because in his words “ it’s his money and he still takes care of us”. Yesterday I found a receipt from western union in his pocket. He sent his mum 1500£ Shock and I’m sure it’s not first time he sent money. What would you do ?Sad

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 13:14

Honestly. I'd leave him. I simply would not put up with that. Don't get me wrong if either my parents of dh's parents were struggling perhaps thgough ill health etc I would give them my every last penny but not at the expense of my own children.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 05/08/2019 13:20

Leave him Comefromaway ? What a simplistic view, not knowing anything else about the relationship! There are differing cultural norms here.
Op, are there any community leaders you both could go to see to get support from?
Are you from the same African country?
Can you do a breakdown of your incoming money and outgoings?
You will need to speak to your husband about this receipt- can you do so without it getting out of hand?
Would you be better off going thru your expenses and your dreams for the future?
Get him on side by seeing a financial planner.

Hanab · 05/08/2019 13:30

Its only going to get worse 🤷🏻‍♀️ His family is his priority .. and yes I know what I am talking about! Its customary its tradition yadda

He lives and works in London and I am pretty sure the family thinks he is earning millions! To top it off you are working too so you have more money ..

If he can’t prioritise you and your kid you will never be happy. once the house is built it will have to be furnished after that something else will come up and yes he will have to contribute!

FabLaura · 05/08/2019 13:30

I would be annoyed too. To make sure I wasn't again, I would agree an amount he could send whether that be £50 a month or whatever. This way he is open about it and you know you are not going without £1500

LemonTreeLemon · 05/08/2019 13:31

But he's not "taking care" of you though is he if you have to work TWO jobs to keep afloat!

Put your foot down, OP. This isn't on at all.

IABUQueen · 05/08/2019 13:34

R u a SAHM or do u work ?

If you work how do you split your finances ?

If SAHM how do you budget together for house and for personal allowance ?

If you are SAHM is it your choice or a joint decision or his preference?

See I think my husband is free to send his mother whatever he wants if it doesn’t affect my right as a wife and if it doesn’t affect our kids. But you need to define your needs from your wants.

This is the cultural norm in Africa and many countries but you need to decide how to make it fair for all involved

IABUQueen · 05/08/2019 13:36

I just read that you work a second job .. nahhh this is not how it works. He isn’t entitled to let his family benefit from YOUR hard work or to leave you financially struggling so he can provide Luxury for his family...

You definately need a firm conversation.

FamilyOfAliens · 05/08/2019 13:37

R u a SAHM or do u work ?

Read the thread.

SummerInTheVillage · 05/08/2019 13:38

Leave him And make sure he pays you back every penny he has stolen - because that's what it is.

NeedSpace2019 · 05/08/2019 13:41

That’s disgusting. £1500 is such a lot of money if you are the one working two jobs just so you can pay your bills. Does he keep his finances separate from you? Sounds like he’s more interested in helping his parents than his wife and child

sincethereis · 05/08/2019 13:47

It’s a cultural thing, OP. It’s unlikely to change. At least in my experience, it is perfectly normal to support and send money to your parents.

In addition, Africa is a continent and so you should name the country rather than the continent as Africa is made of many countries, each are distinct and different. You wouldn’t say “Europe”, you’d say “UK” or “France”. Do the same for Africa. Sorry, a tangent but it’s quite irking

MoltenLasagne · 05/08/2019 13:50

If you’re earning £10 an hour in your second job, then he’s stolen 150 hours from you. Make him acknowledge that he is prioritising his family’s ability to live in a six bedroom house over your ability to spend time with your child.

Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 14:06

In addition, Africa is a continent and so you should name the country rather than the continent as Africa is made of many countries, each are distinct and different. You wouldn’t say “Europe”, you’d say “UK” or “France”. Do the same for Africa. Sorry, a tangent but it’s quite irking

The OP is under no obligation to even name the continent if she doesn't want to or thinks it might be identifying, never mind the country. She could have simply said abroad.

Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 14:07

Amd yes, I have seen many posters say something like a European country when talking about where their/their dp family come from rather than name the country.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 05/08/2019 14:07

I'd divorce. Before he lumbers you with debt to support his family

Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 14:09

Leave him Comefromaway ? What a simplistic view, not knowing anything else about the relationship! There are differing cultural norms here.

Differing cultural norms mean nothing. The dh has been secretive and has gone behind the OP's back using family/her money without her agreement.

She asked opinions. I gave mine.

Wiltshirelass2019 · 05/08/2019 14:10

So you’re working an extra job so he can send money home? That’s crazy.

RubberTreePlant · 05/08/2019 14:15

In addition, Africa is a continent and so you should name the country rather than the continent as Africa is made of many countries, each are distinct and different. You wouldn’t say “Europe”, you’d say “UK” or “France”. Do the same for Africa. Sorry, a tangent but it’s quite irking

It's quite normal here for posters to make generic references to 'DH's hobby', 'professional job', 'my (EU) home country' or similar. For privacy.

Your bossiness is what is irksome.

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 14:17

I would make an agreement with him that your future family home is at least as important as his parents African home. Therefore, whatever he sends to them, he must match in a home deposit savings account for your home.
Can’t really forbid a person from helping out their extended family, but you can get them to not make it more important than their immediate family.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 05/08/2019 14:18

There are differing cultural norms here.

Tolerance of differing cultural norms should never extend to tolerance of financial abuse.

This is financial abuse and should not ever be considered ok

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 14:19

Too many divorce happy posters on MN. Marriage is not a one mistake commitment. Should at least try and work things out.

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 14:20

@VolcanionSteamArtillery
“This is financial abuse..”

Er, no it is not.

Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 14:22

It never does work out though. Too many red flags. A mistake woulod mean the dh realised his error, apologised and promised to make all major financial decisions joint in the future. Not get upset because "it's his money and he takes care of his wife" (And I've seen a similar situation with no cultural differneces where both families were as white British as you could get).

Whisky2014 · 05/08/2019 14:23

I think it's pretty bad op has taken a 2nd job to have some extra money whilst he's been sending 1.5k to his family.

I'd be finding out how often he's done that. And if it isn't the first time I would consider leaving since he has held the truth back from you and the fact the money could have gone towards saving for a deposit.

Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 14:23

It absolutely is financial abuse if he is keepinjg his wife and child short of money whilst he sends "his" money to people wh don't really need it.