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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband sending money to his parents while we are struggling

55 replies

Melanie1811 · 05/08/2019 13:08

Not sure what to do. We live in London and have a child. Finances are very tight. We feel almost desperate because it looks like we will never buy a home, because we can’t save anything. I took on second job to have a bit of extra Money. My husbands family lives in Africa and they are building 6 bedroom house! It’s almost finished. My husband mentioned to me he is thinking about taking a loan to help them finish the house. I’m not happy about it as we are really struggling here and I think me and our child should be a priority. He got upset a bit because in his words “ it’s his money and he still takes care of us”. Yesterday I found a receipt from western union in his pocket. He sent his mum 1500£ Shock and I’m sure it’s not first time he sent money. What would you do ?Sad

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 14:25

Too many divorce happy posters on MN.

I've been married for 20 years this month. Our marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. Neither of us would put up with financial abuse or an imbalance of power.

IndieTara · 05/08/2019 14:26

This happened to me op although XDH was Egyptian.
He simply couldn't put me and DD first

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 14:28

Financial abuse would be if he was taking her money and not letting her make decisions about her money. Combined with depriving her of money for basic needs. If he forced her to sign her name to a loan, that would be financial abuse.

It’s not financial abuse to send your own money abroad to a relative. What if it were the woman spending £1500 of her money on designer shoes that her DH disagreed with her buying? This is no different. The OP said the £1500 was HIS money.

Jaxhog · 05/08/2019 14:33

Financial abuse would be if he was taking her money and not letting her make decisions about her money.

Yes, it is. It isn't HIS money, It's THEIR money. He isn't allowing her a say in how THEIR money is spent money, ergo, it is financial abuse.

Comefromaway · 05/08/2019 14:33

Finances are very tight. We feel almost desperate because it looks like we will never buy a home, because we can’t save anything. I took on second job to have a bit of extra Money

Financial abuse is keeping his wife and child short/forcing her to work two jobs whilst he fritters family money away.

And yes, if it was reversed and the woman was earning more money but frittering it away on designer shoes whilst the husband and child were struggling to manage that would also be financial abuse.

Orangesox · 05/08/2019 14:38

Sorry but I completely disagree that this isn’t financial abuse.... the OP states that her Husband feels that it is HIS money. They are not able to save a penny, ergo they are only just able to cover their bills, OP has taken on a second job to allow them to have a little extra breathing room. This is absolutely financial abuse when OP has no bloody say in where their marital assets are being spent.

I would certainly be having stern words and considering completely splitting finances with this man if I even considered staying in a relationship with him. Completely disrespectful to the core regardless of cultural norms.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 05/08/2019 14:39

Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which limits and controls their partner’s current and future actions and their freedom of choice

Woman's aid definition of financial abuse.^^

Diverting funds, concealing the diversion of funds, necessitataing your partner taking a second job and restricting your partner's ability to obtain secure accommodation all fit within the definition.

But marriage is a commitment for life you should at least try and work it out with your abuser. Poor man.

blue25 · 05/08/2019 14:39

I wouldn't put up with this. He's showing you who his priority is.

I would have a bit more understanding if his parents were struggling and short of money, but they are building a big house when you don't have your own home-it's crazy.

stucknoue · 05/08/2019 14:43

Im guessing you aren't African? Cultural norms are sons especially send money to their parents once grown. When you have a partner from a different country it's essential to understand the expectations before you progress the relationship. It is a duty not a choice in his mind. You need to discuss and work out a compromise

MummyShah369 · 05/08/2019 14:44

hmm sounds very strange but houses in Africa can shoot up in value very quickly... will have a % stake in the house, it might actually end up being very valuable.

coffeeforone · 05/08/2019 14:44

He shouldn't be sending money without your knowledge when you are struggling but I wouldn't say this was financial abuse.

Does your DH also think of this as partly his house they are building? who will eventually inherit it - does your DH have any brothers?

lmusic87 · 05/08/2019 14:53

This is a horrible thing to do, I would have a serious talk.

coffeeforone · 05/08/2019 14:54

in answer to WWYD - i wouldn't divorce him, and i wouldn't leave him over something that is perfectly normal in his culture. I'd say that in future you'd like to be involved in any decisions and help work out how much you both can afford to send to his family. Investing in property outside of the UK might be financially wiser than London at the moment in any case.

SummerInTheVillage · 05/08/2019 15:09

Nothing will change until he makes it clear to his parents that their scrounging days are over.

Not one penny more should he send, whether you stay married or not.

TheGrimSweeper · 05/08/2019 15:22

It’s most likely a cultural thing depending on the country and family. Both a sense of responsibility to his family and wider community in Africa (people often paying school fees, wedding costs, etc of distant relatives; and perhaps part of his identity as a man and therefore leader in the family.

Multicultural relationships are difficult. If I were you I would try to understand where he’s coming from but at the same time put a firm foot down and set clear boundaries else this will just get worse. Make sure you protect yourself and not lose your values.

What stake will he have in this 6 bedroom home that’s being built, his name on property deeds?

EileenAlanna · 05/08/2019 15:37

You have 2 jobs now. Where are your wages being paid into? If it's a joint account I'd strongly advise opening your own separate account & have all your earnings paid into that.
He sees his earnings as "his" money & believes he is still taking care of his family while sending large sums abroad. Let him do that, then. Your wages are your money & you use them as you decide best for you, your child & him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/08/2019 15:40

He is being UR. Stop the second job if he's sending money away

IABUQueen · 05/08/2019 15:42

I agree with Eileen.

Agree with him on a budget needed for the house and for your child. Monthly. And agree how much each of you contributes.

Then let him have his personal account wheee he does whatever’s he wants with it. But also do that for yourself with your own wages.

IABUQueen · 05/08/2019 15:50

And have a target of how much you want to save each month... for your future goal of buying a house together.

If he doesn’t want to or plan to buy a house, then fair and square save up money yourself and buy yourself something as an investment or go into shared ownership property and make him sign prenuptial to declare that he has no stake in that property.

Seperate your finances until your communication on the topic is open and healthy.

If he wants to do his own thing, then he has to accept that you will not be his financial partner. Which could still work.

It is not wrong for him to send money to his family. But it’s wrong for him to be financially negligent towards you and his child if that’s what he is doing.. and he seems to not have figured it out.

In those cultures the man assumed that once his children are grown they will support their mother. Clarify to him that this is not an expectation you have from your kids and instead you have that expectation of HIM.

SandyY2K · 05/08/2019 16:12

I'm originally from Africa and this is quite normal in many African cultures.

If he's paying the loan back from his earnings...let it be.

NotStayingIn · 05/08/2019 16:28

I think the idea of looking into splitting finances and separate bank accounts might be an option? From his personal money left over he can send money back. It would still hinder your changes of getting onto the property ladder sadly as you need every penny.

I do feel though that if you marry someone (especially from a different culture) you should really have discussed key areas like shared finance, life goals, commitment to parents, views on abortion, religion etc before you commit to each other. (Or should know each other long enough that this would all have naturally come out at some point.) But I appreciate that’s no good to you now! I don’t agree with what he’s doing, but if that is very much the norm for his family then it also seems a bit impossible to stop it now.

Magenta82 · 05/08/2019 17:02

If he's paying the loan back from his earnings...let it be.

He is only able to pay it because she is working 2 jobs in order to provide for their family. Why should she continue to run herself ragged when he is giving their money away?!

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 17:05

@Jaxhog
“Yes, it is. It isn't HIS money, It's THEIR money. He isn't allowing her a say in how THEIR money is spent money, ergo, it is financial abuse.”

No. It would only be their money if she were a SAHM and entirely dependent upon him. For two partners, the legal default is what you earn is your money. There is only abuse if one partner keeping and spending their own money causes the other partner to not have sufficient money for basic needs- food, school uniform, bills. Saving a deposit to buy a house is not a basic need. It’s a want.
Similarly, it is abuse if he uses her money or her forces her to take out debts in her name.
But spending your own money after your partner has had a say but you’ve vetoed it is not abuse. Each partner can veto the other when it comes to their own money.

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 17:05

@Jaxhog
“Yes, it is. It isn't HIS money, It's THEIR money. He isn't allowing her a say in how THEIR money is spent money, ergo, it is financial abuse.”

No. It would only be their money if she were a SAHM and entirely dependent upon him. For two partners, the legal default is what you earn is your money. There is only abuse if one partner keeping and spending their own money causes the other partner to not have sufficient money for basic needs- food, school uniform, bills. Saving a deposit to buy a house is not a basic need. It’s a want.
Similarly, it is abuse if he uses her money or her forces her to take out debts in her name.
But spending your own money after your partner has had a say but you’ve vetoed it is not abuse. Each partner can veto the other when it comes to their own money.

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 17:09

@VolcanionSteamArtillery
Yes, you’ve cut and pasted the general blurb that you could drive a bus through. But the examples you list do not fit,
“Financial abuse may include:
Taking money from them
Not allowing them access to shared money
Making them account for everything spent
Making them beg for money
Preventing them from gaining employment
Causing them to lose, or forcing them to give up, employment
Taking out loans, credit cards or running up debts in the victim’s name
Forcing them to commit crimes for money
Not allowing them to buy necessities, for themselves or their children, including sufficient food
Financial abuse can also be when the perpetrator is spending money needed to maintain the home on themselves”

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