Husband sending money to his parents while we are struggling

[Melanie1811]

Not sure what to do. We live in London and have a child. Finances are very tight. We feel almost desperate because it looks like we will never buy a home, because we can’t save anything. I took on second job to have a bit of extra Money. My husbands family lives in Africa and they are building 6 bedroom house! It’s almost finished. My husband mentioned to me he is thinking about taking a loan to help them finish the house. I’m not happy about it as we are really struggling here and I think me and our child should be a priority. He got upset a bit because in his words “ it’s his money and he still takes care of us”. Yesterday I found a receipt from western union in his pocket. He sent his mum 1500£ and I’m sure it’s not first time he sent money. What would you do ?

Don’t get me wrong, OPs DH is being crappy, but there is no evidence within that she posted that he is abusing her financially. That’s an unhelpful exaggeration of what is a disagreement over his contribution towards a joint savings goal of a home purchase.

simple - also send £1500 to your parents. Ask them to open a savings account for you. Keep it separate for when you split. Your parents can then gift it to you. And it won't be a marital asset.

I'd quit that second job. If he wants to send money to his family of origin, HE can get a second job.

@AngelasAshes

Wow! A marriage is supposed to be a partnership where you share responsibilities, decisions and finances. It may not be legal sharing, but what's the point of marriage if you don't share? I seem to recall we both said 'with my worldly goods I thee endow'. i.e. what's yours is mine and vice versa.

Keeping 'your' money to yourself, and not allowing your wife/husband to have a say in how a major sum is spent IS financial abuse. I may not ask my husband about buying a pair of expensive shoes, but we have agreed on how much money we each have for discretionary spending. Neither of us would dream of making a large payment like this without discussing and agreeing to it first. That's a partnership. That's marriage.

Not allowing them access to shared money
Sending money to other family members and concealing it fits your/this definition of financial abuse. It prevents the OP accessing those shared funds.

"Financial abuse can also be when the perpetrator is spending money needed to maintain the home on themselves”
By diverting money and preventing the OP having access to it to save for the home, she cannot maintain a home with it because he is diverting money away from providing her with shelter . This fits within your/above definition of domestic abuse.

That’s an unhelpful exaggeration of what is a disagreement over his contribution towards a joint savings goal of a home purchase.
Wow. Is one little slap a minor disagreement? After all it was only once so its not really abuse, calling it abuse is an unhelpful exaggeration. Poor guy just made a mistake.

it’s his money
No. It would only be their money if she were a SAHM and entirely dependent upon him
NO they are married. Every penny either of them earns is joint money. She has every right to access and have joint authority over every penny that enters that house whether he earns it or she earns it. And vice versa. Actually she is potentially liable for a debt also, whether in her name or his, on divorce. Do you think hes going to be asking her if he takes out a loan? No.

I don't care what the cultural norms are in whatever country he comes from or the nuances of multicultural relationships. In this country we call financial abuse abuse, because in this country we dont believe you should abuse your spouse.

Quit your second job! There’s no way you should have to do that and he is sending money back. I get the cultural things and maybe that should have been discussed but at any point hardship can happen so money may not be spared to send away.
If he wasn’t sending whatever money he was sending it maybe that you would only need one job so then you could actually be with your children more. Instead he is sending money to his family that are build their own 6 bed house when you haven’t your own house and work 2 jobs whilst trying to raise children and In London which isn’t cheap. That’s crappy. I would not be happy.
Do you know how much he gets each month?
Sit together and work out budgets as it may be that you can drop the second job. It may mean he can contribute £20-£50 a month to help his family and keep that tradition. I don’t agree with that but that’s not my culture. I just don’t get why anyone would send money that was needed at home to parents for them to build a big house that they will then own out of some social contract when your wife has to work 2 jobs and unable to buy a house for his own family. The house ownership isn’t a necessity but when he’s basically paying for a house for his parents to own is feels insane. I just can’t get over you have to work two jobs so you see your children and him less when it maybe that if he wasn’t sending so much over you wouldn’t need to do that.