What happened here? Dh and a cup of tea..

[CucinaBreakfast]

Dh and i have a 4yo dd and i'm 30w pregnant with much wanted ivf second baby. In the situation I'm describing, I had an awful cold and really painful hips (i get this most nights and in the morning), which dh knew about.

Dh had kindly given me a lie in and taken dd downstairs. He came up to wake me at 8.30 (which is fine) and said "im going to make us breakfast and a cup of tea" and left me with dd. All fine. We played for a bit upstairs and i expected to be called down when breakfast was ready (pretty usual for the person cooking), time went on and i ended up coming down 40 minutes later. Dh was clearly pissed off, looked at me with a scowl and proceeded to only start cooking the eggs when he saw me. I guess he was waiting for me to put them on but i didn't know that.

I looked over and he'd set up a french press with coffee, not poured yet. Dh doesn't drink tea or coffee, so it was obviously for me and i said "is this coffee for me? I'd actually rather tea thanks" and got a new cup out (the one he'd got had milk in already) and tea bag to do it myself. Dh got really annoyed with me, first for not having what he'd made, then for getting out another cup, then for not understanding why i couldn't put a tea bag into a cup of cold milk (which i said wasn't how to make tea), so i said I'd use a teapot if he's so insistent on not using a new cup, which he then said not to do (he was standing where the tea pots were). At this point i got really confused and frustrated and couldn't understand why he cared so much about my cup of tea, so i said i had to get out of the room and i don't want his breakfast and to leave me alone. I felt like i couldn't make a cup of tea for myself and it was beyond crazy.

We continued the day as normal as i didn't want to fight in front of dd, then raised it that night once dd was in bed. He told me he was annoyed because I'd taken so long to come down, and i should have just had what he'd made, and i was being ungrateful. And that i hadn't said anything nice to him when i came downstairs.

I said I wasn't expecting him to make me the cup of tea, i wasn't disrupting his cooking, and i felt awful given the cold and pain I'm in. And that i didn't know he was waiting for me as he didn't tell me that. I said i didn't understand why he cared so much about how i made my tea, why he was so cross with me, and that it felt a bit controlling as he just wouldn't let me do it in peace. I was crying at this point, and he laughed saying it's only a cup of tea, which made me so upset and angry i left the room. I get it's only a bloody cup of tea, i just wanted to make it and drink it in peace!

It all sounds so petty, but it made me feel trapped and not in control of what i was doing, and i just wanted him to back off. He wasn't violent or aggressive at the time (or ever, i should add) but was looking at me with such disdain and anger it was really awful.

We've booked some relationship counselling sessions as there seems to be a problem in communicating but:

• Should i just have had what he'd made me?
• was it ungrateful for me to make a cup of tea instead?

I feel so confused like i don't know what's right anymore. It also feels like I'm expected to know things that are in his head, so he gets annoyed when I'm not on the same page (i.e. i ask what his plans are) even if he's not said anything about it to me.

Help?

So what had he been doing downstairs for 40mins?

Very strange behaviour.
If someone says they’re going to make breakfast and a cup of tea, then I’d expect them to get on with it tbh.

should you have had what he made? no. You didn’t want coffee. He’d said tea earlier and made you coffee.
You were prepared to make your own and he threw a strop. Another cup is a drop in the ocean.

Thanks yutes, i can't tell you how much better that makes me feel. Not that I've "won" the argument, but that I'm not going mad.

I have no idea what he was doing for that 40 mins tbh. He mentioned something about trying to sort out some change of address thing that had pissed him off (he had his laptop out), but why he chose then to do it is his bag.

He has a habit of not eating until ive woken up if it's my turn for a lie in, and ends up hangry and mardy at me. When i do the mornings, i just eat with dd as I'm hungry.

I feel like a bit of an emotional punching bag, like he gets in these moods because of something that's happened (hungry, work stuff, late train etc.) and projects it on me by getting cross or just skulking around looking pissed off. Ive asked him to not take it out on me and i'm happy to listen but not if he's going to be nasty, but it hasn't made a difference. I can forgive 4yo dd for not managing her moods and letting it all hang out with me, but it's hard to believe an almost 40yo can't calm down and regulate his anger or frustration.

I think it’s good that you’re booked in for relationship counselling. Hopefully it will be a big help.

I guess having a conversation calmly reminding each other that neither of you are mind readers.
The cup of tea issue could have been sorted by him asking again. And you not minding if he asks again iyswim.
And also eating when he’s hungry to stop hanger issues.

Hopefully a grown up will be along with better advice shortly. But you’re definitely not going mad.

He is an abuser. He is showing you who he is.

🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

OP I will likely get torn to pieces here, but...have you looked up coercive control?

I felt like this for years with my non-violent poor ex. I would recommend you watch "I am nicola" and look up the freedom programme

Can I suggest you ask for this to be moved to Relationships? I think you’ll get better and kinder advice there.

Honestly? He sounds horrible. If my DH had said he was going to make breakfast and a cup of tea, he’d have made the tea (bag in first!), brought the tea up and said when breakfast would be ready. It sounds like your H set it up so there’s no way you met his expectations. Also he resents you raising anything with him because you’re questioning his authority. Definitely read info coercive control and think very carefully before having counselling with him, men like this can use and manipulate counsellors to their own advantage. Is he often like this? Has it got worse with the pregnancy?

Breakfast should not be a fight. 'I will make you breakfast and tea' should result in you being given just that. Hopefully counselling will help you recognize that this is not normal behaviour.

Yep neither a cheater or a beater..just co-ersive control you've started to recognise-every bit as harmful as you slowly lose yourself in a spiral of eggshelling around potential upset(gaslighting).You do not need couples therapy-you need to leave this man.I hope others(like myself)will post after recognising your story as their own.

Thanks everyone. I have looked into coercive control, because it's not the first time I've had a nagging feeling that I can't just do what I want within reason. It's never anything big, like an inability to work or access money etc, it's small things like feeling forced to ask things of people (e.g. small family favours or in dealings with landlords that I don't agree with etc) that I'm not comfortable to do. My discomfort gets trivilaised as if I'm not being helpful and it's fine, and I start to feel trapped or like I really am being overly sensitive and difficult.

How do I raise this at counselling if you think that's what it is? I can't really recall exactly what the previous issues were about (I don't keep a score card), so on its own this seems really petty.

I'm not an angel and probably want to talk things through more than he does, he'd always rather get on with things as normal but if I"m feeling unhappy or hurt I can'tjust snap back into happy families as it feels false. There are a million things I love about him, although a lot of these were more obvious in our early relatioship and if I look at things now I don't see much of that person anymore. I don't feel that kindness to me is a default setting for him, and it hurts that I have to remind him to be kind to his wife. He is always sorry, but I don't really want sorry, I want him to be nicer to me and gain some resilience so he doesn't think it's ok to treat me badly when life isn't going his way.

I see how his parents talk to each other coldly and as if they honestly don't like each other, and I really really don't want to end up like that.

@mnhq could you please move this to relationships? I have posted in the wrong thread

It reads like he's controlling you.

faithinfinity it's not worse in pregnancy, but I think it hurts a bit more as I'm asking more of him.

He isn't happy in his job at the moment and I think he feels a bit trapped there himself, so his stress levels are high anyway so it doesn't take much to piss him off or put him in a bad mood. I am quite a calm person and try to work through things, not let them get to me, so I thought it was me being unkind and not understanding that he processes things differently. I never want to trivialise his feelings, becuase I know how that upsets me, but sometimes I do just want to say SERIOUSLY are you really going to let that ruin your mood?

Other context is that he's moved to my country recently, so is far from family and most of his friends (some are here), so I don't feel isolated at all and it's more him who might feel that way. Which is why some aspects of coercive control don't seem to fully apply here. Surely he wou;dn't have wanted to put himself in such a vulnerable position?

But maybe that is exactly what he wants, because now you OWE him.

Guilt is an incredibly effective trap

• Should i just have had what he'd made me? - No you should hvae what you want. He was a prize twat and it is very unpleasant and controlling behaviour on his part to make you even question what you want to drink.

• was it ungrateful for me to make a cup of tea instead? Of course not, he sounds like a fucking idiot. I do hope you will work out whether you want to be treated like this and if not that he will change.

I feel so confused like i don't know what's right anymore. Sounds like that was what he hoped for. Abusive behaviour can often start when a partner is pregnant. Does he know that that is how he made you feel?

"It also feels like I'm expected to know things that are in his head, so he gets annoyed when I'm not on the same page (i.e. i ask what his plans are) even if he's not said anything about it to me." That again sounds like is deigned to keep you guessing. I'd not want to play that type of stupid game with a grown man.

"Help?" You are ill during pregnancy and he is being shit towards you. I think you do need to consider if you want this life for yourself.

"How do I raise this at counselling if you think that's what it is? I can't really recall exactly what the previous issues were about (I don't keep a score card), so on its own this seems really petty."

Please do keep a note of what he is doing which is making you unhappy. It is not a score card. It is an accurate record. Keep it safe and do not let him see as this might make him angry. But it is important, I think, for you to know what he is doing, not to just forget things that have actually upset you.

"He has a habit of not eating until ive woken up if it's my turn for a lie in, and ends up hangry and mardy at me. When i do the mornings, i just eat with dd as I'm hungry. " All sounds nasty and controlling, aimed at making sure your lie in (8.30 isn't really a big lie in anyway!) is not actually fun for you!

I think you need to make it clear to him you don't want this type of relationship where you are walking on egg shells.

Counselling with an abusive partner is not a good idea. I mean go for that session if you want to but if he starts to make it an opportunity to be abusive to you, then don't let him.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to talk to women's aid, look into their freedom programme and invest in counselling just for you. If he wants to make your marriage work he will need to put in some work.

Good luck. And I hope all goes well in the pregnancy.

I did say to him that it felt controlling and his response was to look really angry that I'd suggested that he could be controlling, arguing that it wasn't. I said it's how it felt so he can't argue with my feelings, even if that's not what he was intending to do it's how it felt. He apologised, but didn't acknowledged he had been controlling.

He also has a habit of saying "i'm not angry" and getting annoyed when i 'accuse' him of being angry (usually me asking "why are you so angry about this?"). When he clearly is. I'm not sure why it's a trigger point for him but its as if calling it that is nasty, and i'm overreacting. Even if i say he seems angry he doesn't like it. It's as if it's a rude word, or he can't accept that this is what anger looks and feels like.

He just wants you to feel guilty/sorry for him/confused

Because the more time you spend focussing on him, the less space you have to consider what is best for you or your children.

Thanks italiangreyhound i cross posted with your second one.

I'll see how it goes at the session. Thanks for all your help, i agree that things need to change.

Thanks Chickenyhead I'm finding it hard to believe that he really does have malicious intent, so while your posts are really valuable i need a bit of time to think it through to realise whether this is actually what is happening. He gets so upset (sad, teary, not angry) with himself when it all feels too much for him and he feels he's not coping, and when he knows he's really upset me. I do believe he doesn't want to hurt me, and think it's more a default position that he might be able to change through the counselling sessions. I could very well be wrong of course and woudn't have been the first to say "not my husband" when it definitely is.

I guess I"ll be looking out for how well and for how long he puts in place whatever strategies we agree on (and I will need to make changes too), and that will be a clear sign as to whether he wants things to change or if he's really trying to be controlling and nasty.

@CucinaBreakfast

My ex was very similar, he never hit me, he cried and apologised a lot, I felt very similar to you, trapped/confused/mental/sorry for him.

BUT you need to take your own journey.

Just please do take the advice to keep a journal. And please do take time to write down how you feel.

Coercive control left me a shell of myself, i had no opinions of my own etc. I had to rediscover who I was. The thing is with coercive control you don't always realise its happening. It can be so subtle at first and you put their behaviour down to them being a bit stressed, tired etc. I really hope things improve for you.

(((((((Hugs)))))) and a complete copy of 'Why does he do that' for you too read.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I urge you to print out this thread and bring it to a counsellor.
I agree 100% with the advice to start a journal. In it write date, time, incident/conversation, and conversation in any post mortem

Do not do couples counselling with this man. Go on your own.
It's going to be tough with a toddler and baby.
However, you need to fight your way through the fog in this relationship and gain a clear view of what is going on before you start talking to your H (if indeed you decide to talk after your individual counseling).

I feel like a bit of an emotional punching bag, like he gets in these moods because of something that's happened (hungry, work stuff, late train etc.) and projects it on me by getting cross or just skulking around looking pissed off. Ive asked him to not take it out on me and i'm happy to listen but not if he's going to be nasty, but it hasn't made a difference.

................
I'm not an angel and probably want to talk things through more than he does, he'd always rather get on with things as normal but if I"m feeling unhappy or hurt I can't just snap back into happy families as it feels false. There are a million things I love about him, although a lot of these were more obvious in our early relatioship and if I look at things now I don't see much of that person anymore. I don't feel that kindness to me is a default setting for him, and it hurts that I have to remind him to be kind to his wife. He is always sorry, but I don't really want sorry, I want him to be nicer to me and gain some resilience so he doesn't think it's ok to treat me badly when life isn't going his way.
................
It also feels like I'm expected to know things that are in his head, so he gets annoyed when I'm not on the same page (i.e. i ask what his plans are) even if he's not said anything about it to me.
...........

...it's small things like feeling forced to ask things of people (e.g. small family favours or in dealings with landlords that I don't agree with etc) that I'm not comfortable to do. My discomfort gets trivilaised as if I'm not being helpful and it's fine, and I start to feel trapped or like I really am being overly sensitive and difficult.

The cup of tea incident is definitely controlling, and he set you up to lose. If 'it's only a cup of tea' why was it so important to him that he was nasty to you about it? He gaslighted you with that comment. The tea wasn't what you were complaining about - and you both know that.

When you find yourself explaining what 'kindness' or 'civility' means to you in a relationship, you are dealing with someone who actually doesn't want to be either kind or civil.

The 'guess what I'm thinking/feeling game' is again you being set up to lose. It also results in you walking on eggshells, and directing all your attention and energy to him.

He makes you do things that are outside of your comfort level, things that have perhaps been discussed and you have objected to them. Then dismisses your feelings.

He is a bit of a human steamroller, isn't he?

I would be curious about that open laptop, I'm afraid, and would like to know what he was doing for those 40 minutes.

Cucina I recommend that you read that pdf that TheMaddHugger has linked.