What happened here? Dh and a cup of tea..

[CucinaBreakfast]

Dh and i have a 4yo dd and i'm 30w pregnant with much wanted ivf second baby. In the situation I'm describing, I had an awful cold and really painful hips (i get this most nights and in the morning), which dh knew about.

Dh had kindly given me a lie in and taken dd downstairs. He came up to wake me at 8.30 (which is fine) and said "im going to make us breakfast and a cup of tea" and left me with dd. All fine. We played for a bit upstairs and i expected to be called down when breakfast was ready (pretty usual for the person cooking), time went on and i ended up coming down 40 minutes later. Dh was clearly pissed off, looked at me with a scowl and proceeded to only start cooking the eggs when he saw me. I guess he was waiting for me to put them on but i didn't know that.

I looked over and he'd set up a french press with coffee, not poured yet. Dh doesn't drink tea or coffee, so it was obviously for me and i said "is this coffee for me? I'd actually rather tea thanks" and got a new cup out (the one he'd got had milk in already) and tea bag to do it myself. Dh got really annoyed with me, first for not having what he'd made, then for getting out another cup, then for not understanding why i couldn't put a tea bag into a cup of cold milk (which i said wasn't how to make tea), so i said I'd use a teapot if he's so insistent on not using a new cup, which he then said not to do (he was standing where the tea pots were). At this point i got really confused and frustrated and couldn't understand why he cared so much about my cup of tea, so i said i had to get out of the room and i don't want his breakfast and to leave me alone. I felt like i couldn't make a cup of tea for myself and it was beyond crazy.

We continued the day as normal as i didn't want to fight in front of dd, then raised it that night once dd was in bed. He told me he was annoyed because I'd taken so long to come down, and i should have just had what he'd made, and i was being ungrateful. And that i hadn't said anything nice to him when i came downstairs.

I said I wasn't expecting him to make me the cup of tea, i wasn't disrupting his cooking, and i felt awful given the cold and pain I'm in. And that i didn't know he was waiting for me as he didn't tell me that. I said i didn't understand why he cared so much about how i made my tea, why he was so cross with me, and that it felt a bit controlling as he just wouldn't let me do it in peace. I was crying at this point, and he laughed saying it's only a cup of tea, which made me so upset and angry i left the room. I get it's only a bloody cup of tea, i just wanted to make it and drink it in peace!

It all sounds so petty, but it made me feel trapped and not in control of what i was doing, and i just wanted him to back off. He wasn't violent or aggressive at the time (or ever, i should add) but was looking at me with such disdain and anger it was really awful.

We've booked some relationship counselling sessions as there seems to be a problem in communicating but:

• Should i just have had what he'd made me?
• was it ungrateful for me to make a cup of tea instead?

I feel so confused like i don't know what's right anymore. It also feels like I'm expected to know things that are in his head, so he gets annoyed when I'm not on the same page (i.e. i ask what his plans are) even if he's not said anything about it to me.

Help?

How do I raise this in counselling? You say exactly this

My discomfort gets trivilaised as if I'm not being helpful and it's fine, and I start to feel trapped or like I really am being overly sensitive and difficult

This had nothing to do with a cup of tea. He was resentful of your lie in, and obviously thought you should show some sort of gratitude for it, and feel guilty about it. Not nice behaviour at all op. Definitely needs addressing.

He sounds really controlling. Please read the linked PDF and if any of it resonates, don't go for counselling with him.

Coercive control, I agree.

I had an ex who liked to cook, ruin the food with hot chilies, and throw a strop when I couldn’t eat it. Am getting angry again just thinking about it.

IMHO you need to push back hard, OP.

I must admit I'm struggling to diagnose coercive control from this one incident. If my DH had taken the trouble to set up fresh coffee for me, I think I might have just decided to drink it; likewise if he said he was going to cook breakfast, I think I would have got on with getting dressed and have gone downstairs rather than waiting to be called. Sure, your DH hasn't handled it well, but in circumstances when he's stressed at work and probably feeling under extra pressure at home with your pregnancy etc it's perhaps understandable.

I’m also struggling to see controlling behaviour from this. It seems to me that dh offered to make breakfast and assumed you would come down for it. However, you misunderstood and thought you would be called for it. Hence he was peeved when you did appear.

Secondly he decided to put in coffee for you, and you saying you wanted tea, meant you rejected his gesture. (Also wondering why you couldn’t use Cup with milk in).

It just seems to be a case of misunderstanding, rather than controlling,

I think you were both a bit OTT. He was daft for sulking about you not coming down for breakfast, and you were overly dramatic for all the get out of the room / leave me alone stuff.

That said, you're pregnant and and not feeling well so I think you have much more of an excuse than him. He was making a big fuss over a very simple miscommunication.

As you said, it's all very petty so hopefully it's something you can both apologise for and let go!

Hi, @CucinaBreakfast, I read your post and my heart went out to you.
I get exactly how you are feeling. I have been through such.

In my case the abusive behavior gradually became more obvious (though not to me) with insults and intimidating behavior. H blamed the fact he was stressed at work, has a long commute, financial worries etc. Each time I turned to someone to help us - family, counsellors etc he managed to convince them I was being petty and it really was just all about his work and commute. He expected me to be grateful and understanding.

For years I had resisted moving because I moved away from my family and friends to live where he decided we should buy a house. Away from everybody. I then made friends and built a strong support network and participated in things for our borough and village.
Then he decided we had to move again. To be closer to his job. I was reluctant because he didn't contribute towards looking after DC or contribute towards house chores. I did it all. And I worked full-time shift hours Mon - Sun.
Eventually I agreed to moving. (He promptly left that job and got one closer to where we were living before). Nothing changed. It got worse. The insults, financial control, intimidation, coercive control.
I felt I was running crazy because my concerns were trivialised. I was told I was fantasising. I was a liar.

Sorry for my long story, the point I am trying to make is, it doesn't matter whether he has moved to your country or he knows nobody etc. Shitty behavior is shitty behavior.
Do something about it or quite soon you would not even recognise yourself.

Loveislandaddict - he offered tea in the first place. Why make coffee and then get annoyed?
He didn't start cooking until OP appeared - he could have said something in the 40 minutes.
OP - good idea to get counselling.

Against the grain here but I'm not jumping to coercive control from this. Bad communication, yes. Mountain out of a molehill, yes. Two stressed adults, yes.

You're pregnant and had a bad cold, he's stressed/hangry and recently moved to your country.

I wouldn't have made a thing out of the cup of tea, I'd have said thanks for the coffee and had that - it does come across a little ungrateful.

Sounds like he was a bit pissed off the coffee wasn't good enough, you were longer than he expected (bad communication) and then you bickered over the cup of tea which became a 'thing'.

How often do you both bicker like this?

Well somethings not right is it. Controlling? Who knows, we are not there to witness it. Certainly seems to be an emotional type, and both seem to be unable to communicate effectively.

Btw I couldn’t be married to someone who could not have an honest conversation about anything without them being dramatic, and emotional. No one is perfect but if you can’t communicate properly your relationship is doomed.

he offered tea in the first place. Why make coffee and then get annoyed?

The offer of tea sounds like a figure of speech. When it came to it, he remembered that Cucina likes coffee and thought he'd go to the trouble of setting it up for her so it would be freshly made when she came down. If I'd done that and DH rejected what I'd made and started faffing around with new cups, I think I might be less than happy.

Thanks lifeofrye and others, i think miscommunication and assumptions were the main culprits here. I think i reacted the way i did because i was just trying to make myself a cup of tea and found i couldn't which made me feel like i was going a bit crazy.

I also don't think i was bickering over tea, i was trying to make it myself and dealing with a barrage of questions and outrage and i didn't actually argue - i was honestly confused and trying to answer his questions and appease him with the tea pot/cup thing then i just gave up. I know it sounds so petty.

And i get a bit of a dodgy stomach if i have coffee straight away so that's why i didn't just drink it, he hadn't poured the hot water in yet so was totally salvageable. I get that he might have seen it as not recognizing his gesture, i just don't know why i should have actually drank something i didn't want. I was planning on thanking him etc. for the breakfast when we were eating it etc, i really did appreciate it. I guess i was put off guard when i came down and he was furious with me - do you know that tense feeling when you go into a room?

Glad to see the "all men are abusers" crew were out in force last night.

Tbh, he sounds like he was trying to make a nice breakfast and then was annoyed you'd spent 40 minutes pissing around upstairs while he waited to make said breakfast. The tea was just a minor incident that escalated because neither of you handled it well.

"Aw thanks love, I'll enjoy that coffee after I've settled my stomach with a cup of tea. Looking forward to breakfast! I'll do my tea while you carry on there..."

yogurt wouldn't you have called up after a bit to chivvy things along though? Rather than stay seething downstairs? No one came out of it covered in glory, I'll agree

All this could have been avoided if he had just said, I'm going to make you breakfast come down in 10.

Origami i think you're absolutely right

All this could have been avoided if he had just said, I'm going to make you breakfast come down in 10

Or if OP had said "let me know when it's ready".

I don't think it's weird he did nothing for 40 minutes, I think he was waiting until OP came down so it'd be freshly made and hot.

So he got more agitated waiting for OP to appear, who takes 40 minutes, then rejects his coffee when she does come down.

You're both in the wrong to assume and not communicate normally.

Thank god I read onto page 2..LTB because he made you coffee? Jesus. Tired, grumpy, miscommunication. There are frequent threads on here about a gift that has been bought with love but isn't right and often the advice is to accept it as it's the thought that counts. Not sure why in this instance, making the wrong drink is an attempt at control and the op was 100% justified in rejecting it. It honestly sounds like overreactions all round on this instance but OP you are obviously feeling unhappy so since you have counselling lined up, I'd make use of it.

Yanbu. I'd be annoyed he needed you present to make some breakfast, some folk need an an audience and dire tion for the simplest tasks.
Even with cross wires he over reacted, why didn't he call you? He was obviously already in a mood.
You should be the one upset he woke you at 8.30.

Wow this thread had taken a running leap. If you knew he'd offered to make breakfast why did you stay upstairs for 40 minutes? Breakfast takes twenty tops and that's for a full English. He's already come and told you he would make breakfast why does he need to call you again when it's ready? Eggs take a couple of minutes and need to be eaten freshly cooked,. I wouldn't put them on until you surfaced either. If DH behaved as you have I'd be irritated, he tried to do something nice and you basically threw it in his face. No you shouldn't drink coffee if you want tea, but you should go downstairs when someone is making you breakfast. He's reacted moodily to the coffee thing because he offered to make you breakfast and you just sat upstairs for 40 minutes. If he'd asked you if you were coming down or not, you would've been annoyed by that too.

I can’t believe some of the comments on here! Amazing.

If she made her partner breakfast and coffee and he came down 40 minutes later and said he didn’t want it, I’m sure she’d be irritated with him too. But then he’d be the selfish prick and should get what he’s given. Am I right?

Coercive control. Hilarious!

Wow some of the comments on here are amazing!

If she’d made him breakfast and coffee and he’d taken 40 minutes to come down and then said he didn’t want what she’d made, I’m sure she’d be irritated too. But you’d all be telling her he’s an ungrateful prick and should get what he’s given. Am I right?

Coercive control. Hilarious!

I probably would have been a bit hacked off if I'd been upstairs expecting to be called and then come down to find that the other person was waiting for me.

I probably would have been a bit hacked off if I'd been downstairs waiting for the other person to come down before I started breakfast.

I'd probably have been a bit hacked off if someone had made me coffee when they know I don't normally want it in the morning.

I'd probably have been a bit hacked off if I had made someone coffee and was about to make them breakfast and they drifted downstairs 40 minutes later then said they didn't want coffee before they commented on anything else.

I think you should have come down earlier than 40 minutes after breakfast was offered but also that he should probably have shouted up that he was waiting for you to start the eggs.

There are quite a few shades of grey between a generally kind person having an off day and being a bit stroppy over something minor, and an unpleasant and abusive person trying to control every aspect of their partner's life. Here I can see why both people would have been a bit irritated, and where you are pregnant and wrangling a child whilst he has just moved to a different country that's obviously additional stress for both of you. It sounds like miscommunication on an off day to me but I don't know enough about your relationship to comment further.