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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What happened here? Dh and a cup of tea..

101 replies

CucinaBreakfast · 05/08/2019 01:39

Dh and i have a 4yo dd and i'm 30w pregnant with much wanted ivf second baby. In the situation I'm describing, I had an awful cold and really painful hips (i get this most nights and in the morning), which dh knew about.

Dh had kindly given me a lie in and taken dd downstairs. He came up to wake me at 8.30 (which is fine) and said "im going to make us breakfast and a cup of tea" and left me with dd. All fine. We played for a bit upstairs and i expected to be called down when breakfast was ready (pretty usual for the person cooking), time went on and i ended up coming down 40 minutes later. Dh was clearly pissed off, looked at me with a scowl and proceeded to only start cooking the eggs when he saw me. I guess he was waiting for me to put them on but i didn't know that.

I looked over and he'd set up a french press with coffee, not poured yet. Dh doesn't drink tea or coffee, so it was obviously for me and i said "is this coffee for me? I'd actually rather tea thanks" and got a new cup out (the one he'd got had milk in already) and tea bag to do it myself. Dh got really annoyed with me, first for not having what he'd made, then for getting out another cup, then for not understanding why i couldn't put a tea bag into a cup of cold milk (which i said wasn't how to make tea), so i said I'd use a teapot if he's so insistent on not using a new cup, which he then said not to do (he was standing where the tea pots were). At this point i got really confused and frustrated and couldn't understand why he cared so much about my cup of tea, so i said i had to get out of the room and i don't want his breakfast and to leave me alone. I felt like i couldn't make a cup of tea for myself and it was beyond crazy.

We continued the day as normal as i didn't want to fight in front of dd, then raised it that night once dd was in bed. He told me he was annoyed because I'd taken so long to come down, and i should have just had what he'd made, and i was being ungrateful. And that i hadn't said anything nice to him when i came downstairs.

I said I wasn't expecting him to make me the cup of tea, i wasn't disrupting his cooking, and i felt awful given the cold and pain I'm in. And that i didn't know he was waiting for me as he didn't tell me that. I said i didn't understand why he cared so much about how i made my tea, why he was so cross with me, and that it felt a bit controlling as he just wouldn't let me do it in peace. I was crying at this point, and he laughed saying it's only a cup of tea, which made me so upset and angry i left the room. I get it's only a bloody cup of tea, i just wanted to make it and drink it in peace!

It all sounds so petty, but it made me feel trapped and not in control of what i was doing, and i just wanted him to back off. He wasn't violent or aggressive at the time (or ever, i should add) but was looking at me with such disdain and anger it was really awful.

We've booked some relationship counselling sessions as there seems to be a problem in communicating but:

Should i just have had what he'd made me?
was it ungrateful for me to make a cup of tea instead?

I feel so confused like i don't know what's right anymore. It also feels like I'm expected to know things that are in his head, so he gets annoyed when I'm not on the same page (i.e. i ask what his plans are) even if he's not said anything about it to me.

Help?

OP posts:

yellowallpaper · 05/08/2019 10:32

I don't think this is abuse or coercive control, at least not in a significant way, just poor communication skills on both parts. You need to learn to speak to one another in a way which is not accusatory, and not sulking or resentful. Basically you need to communicate as adults. Admittedly he is unnecessarily easily offended, but it would help if you both understood each other better.

ohtheholidays · 05/08/2019 10:40

It does sound like coercive control,it doesn't have to start of with the big things like dictating where you go and what you wear it's far more normal for it to start of with the small stuff because the abuser knows what they are doing and knows that any woman with any sense would run if they started off the relationship with all of the big stuff!

I was in that marriage for 9 years with 2 small DC and it's taken me years to look back and see how it started with the small stuff and then once he thought he had me trapped,distanced from all of my friends and some of my family,he'd stopped me from working and driving and we were married and had 2 small DS's he ramped up the abuse and it turned to sexual abuse for years.

I lost my life from the age of 16-25 thanks to him.

With the counselling try and get an appointment on your own OP to talk about the coercive control,give the example you've given here but what ever you do do not talk about it in front of your husband,a counsellor would tell you the same I promise you,abuse ramps up when your pregnant and when the abuser senses that you no what they're doing,Please get help as soon as you can

SandAndSea · 05/08/2019 10:55

In an ideal world, if I'd been your DH, I'd have made it and brought it up to you; had breakfast in bed. And, if I'd been you, I'd have gone down sooner and been grateful for the coffee and been subtle about really wanting tea. But, he was hangry and you were in pain (etc). I think it also sounds like you have different habits and possibly need to learn to appreciate and accept each other's ways a bit more.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 05/08/2019 11:09

I'm surprised at the responses you had last night. I don't think he sounds controlling. It does sound like your communication is shocking and there's resentment from both of you - only you know why that might be.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 05/08/2019 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 05/08/2019 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 05/08/2019 11:09

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 05/08/2019 11:10

Christ could that have posted any more times? I've reported it Op sorry.

Lolapusht · 05/08/2019 11:18

OP, it doesn’t really matter if we think he’s controlling etc, how do you feel in your relationship? Do you feel respected, loved, like an equal partner? Those are the important things.

Yes, this all could be down to tired, grumpiness but there are too many things that you’ve written that would concern me (and yes there are always two sides but reducing this to “It’s only a cup of tea” doesn’t help. Lots of small incidents can seem unrelated but you’re stuck in the middle constantly walking on eggshells, wondering what you’ve done wrong, why is he upset, what have I done then that suggests it is his behaviour that is controlling how you feel and react and that isn’t good.

He said he’d make breakfast and tea. He didn’t make breakfast but instead faced around downstairs until you came down. He didn’t check what you were doing/if you were coming down, instead he scowled when you came down. He made coffee instead of tea. Does he know coffee doesn’t agree with you first thing?
He got angry that you didn’t want the coffee he hadn’t made (and didn’t want). He then got angry you wanted a cup without milk and wanted another cup (that is a very unreasonable reaction). He then blocked you getting the teapot you offered to get so you could use the cup he wanted you to use. I’d say none of that is a normal reaction. Both my DH & I know how the other takes tea/coffee. We ask what the other would like then make it. If we had made the wrong thing then we’d probably just say “Oh sorry...thought you wanted X”.
*Why did he expect you to say something “nice” to him when you came down? Does he need constant reassurance? Yes we all like to say nice things to our partners, but I certainly wouldn’t be getting pissed off if my husband hadn’t told me how wonderful I was for putting coffee grounds in a cafetière (plus that sounds like the only thing he’d actually done in 40 mins!).
*When you mentioned you thought he was being controlling about how you made your tea (and he was) and were crying he laughed at you.
*He expects you to know what he’s doing without telling you then gets angry because you don’t know. Lots of what he seems to do suggests he’s gaslighting and making you feel like you’re the one in the wrong.

It may not be coercive control, but if it’s not, he certainly needs to understand how his inability to control himself is not acceptable. He can’t keep on getting furious at things that don’t warrant it and expect there to be no consequences. He’s not the only member of your family.

Not all men are abusers...just the abusive ones.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 05/08/2019 11:27

My dh would have called out or just brought it to me. Not just stayed in silence seething.
I'm pregnant too op, dh knows my ability to eat or drink certain things and wouldn't be offended if I couldn't stomach something.

I'd have counseling on my own if I were you.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/08/2019 11:51

My DH does the not eating until I'm there thing .... he doesn't do any of the other stuff you've mentioned though OP.

I've spoken to him about it before, that I feel then pressured to be home/be hungry etc so he can eat.

He says it's because he sees eating together as a couples thing to share and enjoy together, like the ritual of going up to bed at the same time.
Where as I am someone who sees food as something necessary to have when I'm hungry and bed as somewhere to go to sleep when I'm tried, I don't hold the same emotional connection to it as he does.

Cohle · 05/08/2019 12:43

I'm surprised you got so many responses calling him controlling.

If I told my DH I was making him breakfast and he faffed around upstairs for 40 minutes I'd be bloody irritated. Why should I have to chivvy my spouse along like he's one of the kids? And I'd be every more irritated if after his faffing he spurned my nice gesture of making him coffee.

That said, I think you both need to communicate better and work out why both of your responses to miscommunications to feel so angry and upset.

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 05/08/2019 13:29

I'm glad the thread became more normal. Coercive control?! LTB?! Do people not have normal arguments and poor communication with their partners anymore? I'd be surprised if anyone on mumsnet had a normal marriage with all that hysteria.
It sounds like you're both stressed and not functioning very well OP. Counseling sounds like a good idea or maybe just get a babysitter and go for walk/meal together and talk. Try to enjoy each other a bit before the baby comes.

GabsAlot · 05/08/2019 13:34

why couldnt youhave tea in that cup just wondering

Whisky2014 · 05/08/2019 13:51

I don't understand why, when you went down stairs you didn't ask "where's brekkie?" Since he said he'd make it, surely you don't start it just when the person comes down, he should have been on it 40 mins previously

Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2019 13:59

I might be able to excuse his off arsey behaviour except when I think that you said " I had an awful cold and really painful hips (i get this most nights and in the morning), which dh knew about" so you are carrying his baby and feeling ill and yet still you have to dance around to his whims.

Please do tell a counselor privately about all this and see if they think this is all OK.

How has he been today?

PicsInRed · 05/08/2019 14:16

Haven't RTFT, but your first post screams of Lundy Bancroft's "Water Torturor" abuse profile.

Google it - likely fits perfectly.

Tiddlybups · 05/08/2019 14:59

He seems passive aggressive and controlling - it’s like he’s setting up the situation so you look like the bad guy who is throwing tantrums when he’s “offered to do something nice”.

Ideally, he wants you not to have lie ins because then he’ll sabotage them and you’ll be afraid of the consequences....but he knows if he said this openly it would be socially unacceptable.

Hidingtonothing · 05/08/2019 15:40

I'm not going to comment on the coercive control thing because I don't feel I know enough about your relationship, all I will say is that it never hurts to know the signs and be watchful. Communication issues however I do feel qualified to comment on because it's something I've really struggled with in my own marriage.

What happened with breakfast was really familiar to me, my DH has ruined whole weekends with this shit in the past and it's a horrible atmosphere to live in. It took me a long time to work out wtf was happening and even longer to fix it, in my DH's case I don't think he was abusive but some of his behaviours certainly felt that way.

The big issue was he genuinely didn't know how to communicate, he would assume things (like whether I wanted tea or coffee!) and then get upset when I didn't react the way he expected. I used to feel it was arrogance on his part, like how dare he presume to know what I wanted better than I did? He also had form for stuff like the 40 minute 'wait' for you to come down, he would fail to communicate the specifics of something and then get pissy/sulky when we weren't on the same page. That felt like passive aggression to me, particularly as he would never actually admit to being annoyed but would create an atmosphere instead.

It took a lot of work from both of us to improve things, I had to repeatedly explain what was needed from him communication-wise and point out every detrimental outcome when he didn't communicate properly for quite a long time before it finally clicked. He had a lot of work to do around understanding why he was doing what he was doing (lots of stuff from his parents/upbringing came up) and how to do things differently.

It probably sounds like a lot of effort and I won't lie, it was but in our case it was worth it. We're closer than we've ever been, I feel completely respected now and, nine times out of ten, we communicate effectively. There are no more assumptions, no vagueness or lack of detail and things are much better now we both know where we stand.

I have had to be completely uncompromising though, I won't stand for sulking or atmospheres and I refuse to do any 'smoothing over' or walking on eggshells. If there's a problem now he knows he has two choices, be upfront and talk it through or stay out of my way until he's snapped out of it because I won't be pandering to it. Only you know if your DH is worth this degree of effort and you have to make your own decisions about where you go from here but I just thought it might be useful to hear someone else's experience.

Jux · 05/08/2019 15:59