Best thing I’ll ever do or biggest mistake of my life?

[Slamdunkdafunkay]

...chronic indecision...

Should I stay or should I go?

Long relationship, short marriage, no kids, 40 years of age, no sex, not that great a relationship but not that good. Could be much worse. Thinking about it day & night. Religious family wouldn’t approve!

Any Mumsnet wisdom in exchange for a virtual cocktail? 🍹

*but not that bad 🙈

Life's too short to spend it with someone you don't have a great relationship with.

You know the answer.
But.... you haven’t given any detail so maybe this is temporary, and there’s a trigger.
On the whole If you’re thinking about your relationship day and night and no sex it doesn’t sound great. Also long relationship short marriage sounds like you didn’t really want to get married in first place.

I’ve always felt this way. Never been sure. Relationship has always been up and down. But I’m married now. I made my bed. Should I just lie in it? I really am not sure. Single life is lonesome.

Nothing in your post to indicate that you should stay.
If generous, I could see that perhaps it's the fact that it's been a long relationship. Long enough that you should feel safe, supported, and cherished by this man. But it seems you don't.

So why wait any longer? Haven't you wasted enough time in this poor relationship?
Family aren't living your life. Take it from one who knows, they'll soon get over it. And then they'll come out with, 'I never liked xy and z about him'.

So why are you doubting yourself? The jump to leaving a relationship can seem scary but the are doable, and it usually isn't long before it seems worth it.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Absolutely leave. Life is way too short.

I took way too long to decide to leave but dont regret for a single second finally leaving. Best decision i made. I could have stayed it would have been easier. However im way happier and dont have to make do anymore.

Single life doesn't have to be lonesome. And being in a relationship that doesn't make you feel good destroys your soul.

My DH is very good for me in ways. He encourages/pushes me and he allows me to open up & be vulnerable BUT he can be short tempered & infuriating too. We literally see-saw from feeling on the brink of collapse to feeling right for each other all the time 🙈.

Leave.

Does it add value to your life?

Doesn't sound like it.

I would leave.

Counselling could be a useful way of sorting out your thoughts?

Just don't have s baby in the hope that that will make things better. If your marriage is rocky now the pressures of parenting never help! Leaving is a totally different decision then.

Can you see a happy future in this relationship, say in 5, 10, 20 years or more?
If the thought of this fills you with negative emotions then you know the answer.

It's your life & your happiness, your family will understand in time.

Personally, I ended my 1st marriage after going through that thought process; it wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do.

No sex? Are you just friends then? I’m single and I’d rather be alone than in a marriage like that. If you’re feeling ‘meh’ then give yourself the opportunity to feel ‘wow’!

Have done so much counselling. It just wove me deeper in to my confused thoughts tbh.

We haven't had sex in a long time. We probably could and he definitely would but I know it wouldn't be good tbh. He has a very low sex drive and occasional ED (not very bad though) and I just don't have much desire anymore. It's affected my confidence a lot as I don't feel 'good at it' anymore. When I was younger, I was extremely sexually confident!

Can you see a happy future in this relationship, say in 5, 10, 20 years or more?
I could see us working well together as a team and co-parenting well. Am I being greedy to want sex, chemistry and passion too? I told a friend about this and she said 'at our age' a man who takes the bins out (which he does!) is more important...

If you’ve been in the house for a while on your own, and you hear him come in the front door, how do you feel?

Yay or eugh.

Tells you quite a lot.

Leave.
I did after over 30 years of marriage and NEVER looked back.
Your on this earth once ,live it.

I think before you have children you are pretty much free to go. The bad sex sounds worrying. The constant doubt does too. Would you both be up for a trial separation?

I told a friend about this and she said 'at our age' a man who takes the bins out (which he does!) is more important

Hmm, it's a tough one. A man who you can share all the intimate moments of your life with, can laugh with, love with passion and deep affection.... or one who takes the bins out'

Your friend wants an appliance. You want more than that.

If you’ve been in the house for a while on your own, and you hear him come in the front door, how do you feel?
Sometimes yay,. sometimes yeugh...but often yeugh...

We've discussed separating but the logistics of it are a pain in the hoo-has.

Your friend wants an appliance. You want more than that.
Yup! She envies me my appliance and I envy her the regular sex and flirtation she still has after 12 years of marriage!

How do you envisage your life single say in 3yrs time, and your life married in 3yrs?

Do you actually want kids though

I always think that in a relationship you should feel better at he end of each day than at the start and that if you are not, then you're not really getting much out of it. The total should be greater than the sum of the parts.