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Original poster

Best thing I’ll ever do or biggest mistake of my life?

61 replies

Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 12:16

...chronic indecision...

Should I stay or should I go?

Long relationship, short marriage, no kids, 40 years of age, no sex, not that great a relationship but not that good. Could be much worse. Thinking about it day & night. Religious family wouldn’t approve!

Any Mumsnet wisdom in exchange for a virtual cocktail? 🍹

OP posts:
Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 14:40

How do you envisage your life single say in 3yrs time, and your life married in 3yrs?
Good question. It's all about best and worst case scenarios...nothing has changed in the past year in my marriage...still not trying for a baby, still not having sex and DH is more than willing to continue like this...

Do you actually want kids though
I'd love kids if it felt right but our relationship has been so volatile, I couldn't in conscience bring a child in to it.

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 14:42

Thanks @msmith501. I asked for MN wisdom and MN wisdom I got...very true.

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newmomof1 · 04/08/2019 14:57

The only reasons to stay in your OP are that it could be worse and religious family wouldn't like it if you left.

There wasn't even a 'these things are crap but I love him/fancy him/he makes me laugh' - no positives at all.

That's not a 'should I stay or should I go' - it's a 'I know I should go but it's easier to stay'

Teaandcrisps · 04/08/2019 15:05

Hi OP, so that's how you envisage your life in 3years with this man - no sex, no trying for baby and no change.

I think from my pov you're actually unclear what you want for yourself - you talk more of what your OH wants (no change) than what you want.

So, 2nd time of asking - in 3yrs time, what do you envisage for yourself single?

ravenmum · 04/08/2019 15:06

Imagine when you're 60, what would you like to be looking back on? Another 20 years of this, or a few years on your own and with other partners?

Goingtoexplode · 04/08/2019 15:07

You have no kids. So do it.

goodwinter · 04/08/2019 15:08

If you wouldn't want a child brought into this relationship, why put yourself through it?

OldWomanSaysThis · 04/08/2019 15:13

I'm bored on your behalf.

happybunny007 · 04/08/2019 15:17

The is a lot of good sex out there you could be having!!!

You only get one life!

Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 16:56

Eeeeech...good points all round...

Yeah, I have had issues with looking at everything from his pov. Even he has said that to me...What do I envisage for myself? I'd love to be with someone who is a good laugh and while I'm not sex-mad, I guess I'd love a physical, sexual relationship. Failing that, I'd love to pursue this business idea I've had for a while and just really throw myself in to it (as I may not be lucky enough to meet someone). Thanks for that question. It's not fair on either of us to stay. I keep trying to convince DH of that. I should stop trying to convince really!!

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 16:58

If you wouldn't want a child brought into this relationship, why put yourself through it?
This is actually an incredibly insightful question. I've been through 4 therapists over a 10 year period (on and off) talking about the relationship and not one of them has said anything that hits the nail on the head as good as this.

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:00

I'm bored on your behalf.
Yup! I hear you. DH has his good points, believe me but I'm craving some more excitement and stimulation.

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:01

Imagine when you're 60, what would you like to be looking back on? Another 20 years of this, or a few years on your own and with other partners?
I can't go on like this. Either way, something has to change.

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:02

Cheers happybunny and goingtoexplode. I appreciate your perspectives!

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:04

@newmomof1 Very true. It is much easier to stay, as in 1000 times easier and I feel I need the strength of The Hulk to do it but I feel more like a pussy cat!

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Doormat247 · 04/08/2019 17:11

Mine never felt right either. No idea why, just didn't. We got to the point where we were always arguing and the outlook just always seemed bleak.
Then one day our argument escalated and he attacked me - never expected it to happen and he denies it did (all my fault and me that attacked him, he blacked out and doesn't remember, blah blah blah). We decided to split and to be honest I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I'd never really felt the way I should about him and never wanted kids with him (yet I'd consider it with someone else).

It is hard to start with and there will be times you regret moving on - I'd be better off if we'd stayed together, I've missed our exotic holidays and I miss his support and love. I also miss having a laugh with someone as my current partner has no sense of humour.
What I noticed is that I'm not the constantly angry person I was while we were together and I much prefer that.

People always told me that life is too short to waste on the wrong person. They're right, but you have to have the guts to go searching for that person - I don't have that confidence but hopefully you do!

I'd encourage you to either try a trial separation or just go for it and leave. Can you stand another 30+ years in the same situation?

CatalogueUniverse · 04/08/2019 17:32

I’m presuming that your DH is perfectly happy with the way things are. Have you told him that you are unhappy and what you would like to change?

You can’t change him. An ultimatum would not solve the issue, everything will go back to the way it is as soon as he thinks you are staying. You’ve probably done that a few times already.

You don’t need a big massive reason to leave, you not being happy is enough.

Or don’t leave. Possibly going round in circles and never actually being happy. You can still be sad for the relationship ending if it is your choice. It’s not what you thought it would be.

40 is easier than 50, 60,70!

Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:39

@Doormat247 Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate it. Yeah, I think people can find themselves doing things they never thought they would. During one argument last year DH thumped the bed beside me and last night during an argument he pulled an umbrella aggressively out of my hand while looking at me angrily. I said it to him afterwards and he eventually apologised but we both have a lot of anger inside towards one another. Then today, all's hunky dorey and he just made us dinner!

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:41

@CatalogueUniverse
Thanks. I've communicated every single thing with him. I've been open and honest about my needs, wants and fears. He doesn't really react but he agreed today that we haven't been happy.

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Teaandcrisps · 04/08/2019 17:41

You sound like you're ready to have loads of fun OP and I wonder if you should just go and do loads of things - throw yourself into your new business, go out dancing with your mates, go and put a massive spring in your own step. Be totally selfish for awhile- ignore your boring OH and focus completely on you. You could plan out what a separation would look like. You don't have to do it - but at least you will be ready if and when the time comes.

ShrodingersRat · 04/08/2019 17:50

“Single life is lonesome.”

You’re not doing it right Grin

seriously, I had some of my best times as a single / dating 40 y old! You are still young, you have your energy, there must be things you would love to do!

You can’t moulder away with Mr Dull!

Butterymuffin · 04/08/2019 17:56

I'd love kids if it felt right
Leave him and get a sperm donor then. No man's worth giving up having kids for if you really want one, and definitely not a man you're ambivalent about.

But if you are unsure about this, leave him anyway as the other thing you seem to be craving is excitement, and if having a child isn't going to happen (which realistically it may not if you're starting to try at 40) you can opt for a life of excitement instead rather than frustration (in all sorts of ways) with this guy.

Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:56

Thanks...

Yeah, I live quite far from a lot of my good friends (and some single ones) and the friends I know near where I live/work are all: 'let's meet for coffee/catch-ups!' It's not their fault. They're just at a different life stage. I tried OLD during our last break before we married and boy oh boy, was it stressful! You need a will of steel to cope with it! Is that how you enjoyed your dating at 40? Was it OLD?

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Original poster
Slamdunkdafunkay · 04/08/2019 17:59

Butterymuffin, I can't believe I've made decisions that could prevent me from having children...but I have. I can't afford to have a child alone. I'd be happy being happy at this stage!

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growlingbear · 04/08/2019 18:35

Reading your posts, one thing interests me - you keep admitting that you are quite fearful and need more strength than you have to make the changes. Are you sure he's the faultline in your life? I think often we blame others for our personal dissatisfaction. Whether or not you choose to leave him, what can you do right now today, that puts spark and energy back into your life?