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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD is ruining my life.

54 replies

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 09:39

I'm at breaking point my life is shit and I have so many issues I feel like I'm drowning.
Main issue is 24yr old DD who is chaotic, manipulative and demanding and I honestly dislike her so much I wish I never had to see her or talk to her again.
DD is a single parent & she has 2 children. First child is a 5yr old little boy with Feotal Alcohol Syndrome who was removed from her care at 5 months old and he has lived with me ever since. Life caring for him is bloody hard work but I adore him and I'm happy to raise him.
DDs second child is a 12 month old LG who has remained in her care but she relies heavily on me to support her and I can't do it anymore. I love my GD but I can't cope with the chaos and drama that supporting her mum brings.
DD has just been on the phone again screaming at me to go and pick GD up as "she can't fucking cope" and needs a break. This happens regularly but no matter how often I look after GD it's not enough, or it's not for long enough or I haven't looked after her properly.
One time DD said I'd lost a dummy and she flipped, was raging for hours innudating me with phone calls demanding I find the dummy and take it to her immediately. I had to call the police in the end when she came to my house screaming and shouting and kicking the doors and punching windows, she even took my washing off the line and threw it around the back garden. Since last November I've had to call the police out five times because of her kicking off at my home.
DD is the same with the babys dad, sometimes turns up at his home screaming and shouting and leaving the baby on his doorstep. I have told Children's Services several time but nothing changes and I get more abuse off DD for "reporting her".
I recently gave up my career of 18 yrs as looking after my GS, supporting her and working was too much. This was a huge mistake DD expects me to be at her back and call even more and I feel so lonely and aimless without my career and colleagues.
My other children are sick of it all and get annoyed with me, telling me to cut her off but she has contact with my GS fortnightly which I am not allowed to stop. I also worry so much about my GD that I need to be involved to make sure she is ok.
My DH is permanently stressed and grumpy and stands up to DD less than I do as he's scared of upsetting her. We never go out and have fun together and I've asked him to move out but he's still here.
I am almost 50 yrs old and sick and tired of my life, feel like my whole life has been a series of mistakes and bad decisions to be honest. I just want peace and calm and little bit of fun now and again but have no idea how to achieve this right now.

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 04/08/2019 09:41

I can't imagine the immense pressure you're under.

What support is your daughter receiving from mental health services? And you from social care?

PennysPocket · 04/08/2019 09:45

Oh god what an awful situation.

There is no easy answer.
You know you need to stop contact with her if not for yourself for your GS.
I assume ss are involved if not they should be as it sounds like your GD is at risk.

Her children deserve better.
As for her seeing her son this can be done in a contact centre so it will go some way to protecting you and your GS.

Only you can decide what happens NEXT OP but I think you know what you must do.

ohcanada · 04/08/2019 09:46

What would happen if you went back to work and stopped looking after the GCS?

Original poster

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 09:46

My DD has just been discharged from mental health services as she has missed 2 appointments.
I don't feel like I'm getting any support from anywhere! My supporting social worker for is off sick and has been for a while, I have been asked by a duty worker if I need any support but said no as I can't face explaining everything to yet another social worker.
I have no friends left, no work colleagues to talk to and my grown up children have no patience left for it all.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 04/08/2019 09:49

What legal arrangement is there for you looking after DGS? Do you have a special guardianship order? You should be able to determine contact and every two weeks is insane. How can DGS settle and attach to you?
If I were you I would take it back to court to amend this order.

Littlefish · 04/08/2019 09:50

Please go back to Children's services again. If she had her dd with her when she verbally abused you and you called the police, they will have received a report each time. Do these incidents happen in front of her dd? If they do, the little girl is witnessing abuse.

You need to be really firm with children's services and give them a list of every time it's happened, and the impact on her dd, you and your grandson.

You need to be really clear with them that you are no longer able to support her but would be prepared to take on her dd if required (or whatever you want the outcome to be).

This sounds like a horrible situation for everyone, but children's services should be involved.

Original poster

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 09:50

Going back to work isn't practical unless it's term time only due to GSs special needs, he is with me permanently and sees me as his mum and I'm committed to raising him my life and job have to work around his needs.
If I didn't help with GD I'd be worried sick that she isn't safe and ultimately she too may end up being removed.

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 04/08/2019 09:50

Ask for a carer's assessment. I understand why you don't want more involvement from them but you desperately need support.

Your daughter needs to be referred to a service like the assertive outreach team. They're specialists in supporting patients who have trouble accessing conventional services.

Mycatatetherat · 04/08/2019 09:51

Can you take in both grandchildren and then work towards fortnightly (or less) supervised contact? It would take the pressure off around not knowing when she'll turn up and you'll have more control over your life, although of course more work.
You need to tell your/her social worker exactly what she is doing, keep records and keep calling the police until ss take notice. Sounds awfully stressful, take care of yourself.

haverhill · 04/08/2019 09:52

You poor love. This must be immensely stressful.
I wish I had advice. You need to cut your daughter out of your lives completely.
Is there any chance you could take custody of your DGD?

Original poster

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 09:54

Children's Services are involved.
I am officially my GS foster carer, we have put off going for SGO so far because of my DDs behaviour and GSs support needs due to his condition.
GD has recently been put on a child in need plan due to the numerous police reports from me calling 999 but in reality this hasn't changed anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 10:03

And I feel like if it's my job as a mother to support DD, if I don't support her and GD is removed I feel I'm partly to blame.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 04/08/2019 10:05

If your dd is not following the CIN plan then it needs to be moved up to child protection level. CIN is a voluntary level, CP is not. Regardless of whether your social workers off ill, Children's services still have to support you.

Please get pushy and demand their involvement. Your dgd doesn't sound like she is in a safe environment.

Juells · 04/08/2019 10:06

Can't give any useful advice, but I don't know how you cope. The situation is so unfair, and you're being given no support.

Juells · 04/08/2019 10:07

Can't help feeling though that it's not good for your little grand-daughter to be brought up in such a chaotic lifestyle.

Littlefish · 04/08/2019 10:08

You are in no may to blame if dgd is removed. She is a helpless child, reliant on others for her physical and emotional safety.

Your dd is an adult who makes her own decisions and is subjecting your dgd and others to abuse and has already caused lifelong damage to one child.

Stop protecting her.

Original poster

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 10:10

Unfortunately I don't know what the CIN plan as, despite being DDs main source of support, I haven't been invited to any meetings so have no idea if DD is adhering to the plan or not.

OP posts:

Isatis · 04/08/2019 10:12

You really need to pester Social Services. The fact that your Social Worker is off sick is no excuse - contact the head of department and ask exactly who is covering her work. If they haven't done a carer's assessment, push for one now. Make a massive stink about your granddaughter's safety, involving local councillors and your MP.

Does your grandson has an EHC Plan? If not, ask for one. One advantage of the fostering arrangement is that you will be able to get legal aid to help with this, and it would be worth asking at the same time for legal advice around social care help.

Isatis · 04/08/2019 10:13

You won't be one iota to blame if your granddaughter is removed from her mother's care, and it sounds as if it would definitely be the best thing for her.

Coronapop · 04/08/2019 10:14

It sounds harsh but perhaps next time DD's behaviour causes you to call police you should make a statement so that she is charged with criminal damage or harassment or whatever is appropriate. Having to go to court might help her to face the consequences of her actions, and might also force her to get help.

ToLiveInPeace · 04/08/2019 10:14

To echo what Mycatatetherat said, would you be happy to take in both grandchildren and then have less contact with DD? They are vulnerable and need and deserve support more than your daughter.

Original poster

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 10:16

I have my GSs SW coming to visit this week so I will speak to her again but, she has been advised by her boss not to get over involved as my GD has her own SW who is currently on annual leave.
My GS does have an EHCP in place as he requires full time 1 2 1 support in school.

OP posts:

AloneLonelyLoner · 04/08/2019 10:17

I don't have much in the way of advice OP except to say that this is an incredibly awful situation and it must change. You are at breaking point. You deserve a life too, and with all the best will in the world what use is an emotionally broken and exhausted mother to a needy child with an abusive birth mother and no other support. You need, for you as much as anything else, to end this scenario. Go back to child services. Do what you can to remove this woman from your life and your foster son. She is a walking wrecking ball. I'm so sorry.

EleanorReally · 04/08/2019 10:17

Please contact social services, they will have details. or very least go to your GP, for Yourself

Original poster

Totalfusion · 04/08/2019 10:20

I have considered taking in my GD as well if she was removed but my GS doesn't cope well with her being here as he doesn't cope well with change. I'm not sure if it is just something he would get used to though if she was here permanently.
I do have another daughter who also has a 12 month old DD and her and her partner would be more than happy to raise GD if I couldn't.

OP posts:

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