DD is ruining my life.

[Totalfusion]

I'm at breaking point my life is shit and I have so many issues I feel like I'm drowning.
Main issue is 24yr old DD who is chaotic, manipulative and demanding and I honestly dislike her so much I wish I never had to see her or talk to her again.
DD is a single parent & she has 2 children. First child is a 5yr old little boy with Feotal Alcohol Syndrome who was removed from her care at 5 months old and he has lived with me ever since. Life caring for him is bloody hard work but I adore him and I'm happy to raise him.
DDs second child is a 12 month old LG who has remained in her care but she relies heavily on me to support her and I can't do it anymore. I love my GD but I can't cope with the chaos and drama that supporting her mum brings.
DD has just been on the phone again screaming at me to go and pick GD up as "she can't fucking cope" and needs a break. This happens regularly but no matter how often I look after GD it's not enough, or it's not for long enough or I haven't looked after her properly.
One time DD said I'd lost a dummy and she flipped, was raging for hours innudating me with phone calls demanding I find the dummy and take it to her immediately. I had to call the police in the end when she came to my house screaming and shouting and kicking the doors and punching windows, she even took my washing off the line and threw it around the back garden. Since last November I've had to call the police out five times because of her kicking off at my home.
DD is the same with the babys dad, sometimes turns up at his home screaming and shouting and leaving the baby on his doorstep. I have told Children's Services several time but nothing changes and I get more abuse off DD for "reporting her".
I recently gave up my career of 18 yrs as looking after my GS, supporting her and working was too much. This was a huge mistake DD expects me to be at her back and call even more and I feel so lonely and aimless without my career and colleagues.
My other children are sick of it all and get annoyed with me, telling me to cut her off but she has contact with my GS fortnightly which I am not allowed to stop. I also worry so much about my GD that I need to be involved to make sure she is ok.
My DH is permanently stressed and grumpy and stands up to DD less than I do as he's scared of upsetting her. We never go out and have fun together and I've asked him to move out but he's still here.
I am almost 50 yrs old and sick and tired of my life, feel like my whole life has been a series of mistakes and bad decisions to be honest. I just want peace and calm and little bit of fun now and again but have no idea how to achieve this right now.

I’m absolutely NOT comparing your DD to Louise Porton, but with the recent appallingly crime in the news, you may find SS are quicker to instigate full-scale CP procedures now.

You have made a good start with writing down all the issues in your OP. Try to get everything down on paper and bulk it out as you remember more and as things happen. If you end up having to explain things to another social worker or whoever, you can hand over the ‘story’ rather than starting from scratch each time.

The SW won’t be on leave for long, worst case scenario you need to wait to see her, though as others have said, colleagues must be covering her work. Unfortunately sometimes it’s a case of “he who shouts loudest” to get the assistance you need. Keep on it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope it’s resolved soon

I do hope that you manage to get some peace from the constant high stress situation soon. It is very short sighted of SS to fail to understand your stress especially as you have care of DGC

Don't have much advice but you sound like a great mum and nan

Are you being paid as a foster carer? Special guardianship allowance is not means tested IIRC.
Is DGS on a care order? If so you can still go back to court to vary contact. If you go for an SGO you will have less support but more control. However it probably isn't the best time to apply for it with things so unstable with DGD.

You are amazing for doing this, I can’t imagine how hard this all must be for you.

I just wanted to pick up on this and see if things could be improved here:

My other children are sick of it all and get annoyed with me, telling me to cut her off but she has contact with my GS fortnightly which I am not allowed to stop.

I assume they obviously know you can’t stop contact with GS. But they still are sick of it and are getting annoyed with you. So could it be that they feel you could handle things differently? Maybe they feel that you are actually enabling her bad behaviour? Getting sucked into more then just allowing access to your GS?

It might be worth sitting down with your children again (excluding problematic daughter) in a frame work of finding solutions. Given that you need to facilitate contact, how could things change apart from that? What is it they see that you aren’t? What exactly are they annoyed about, real specific examples needed, and what would they suggest you could do differently. It would be great if you could open up a positive dialogue so you get their support again. They want the best for you so another shot at working with them might be worth it. Good luck OP x

GS is still on a full care order & we do receive an allowance for him. An SGO is something I was desperate for in the beginning but DD is such a nightmare there is no way I would agree tonone at the moment.

NotStayingin you've hit the nail on the head regarding my other children's feeling and they do feel I enable her.
My eldest DD has likened myself & DH to domestic abuse victims who can't/won't make the break. This DD has told me to get a separate mobile that I only switch on once a fortnight for contact reasons.
I have tried this but find it difficult as sometimes my difficult DD can be reasonable and chatty and funny and I then find it hard to not get drawn back in until the next time she kicks off. Also, how do I know my GD is safe if I don't have any contact with DD in between the fortnightly contacts.
I also feel like it's my responsibility to support DD, that whatever is actually the reason for her behaving like she does it must be my fault, that I got it wrong somewhere when I was bringing her up and therefore I should do what I can to help her now.

Did you really bring her up differently to your other children? Bet you didn't. Sometimes children go off the rails for reasons separate to their upbringing. She's an adult and she needs to make sure she takes up whatever MH help she is offered.

Your DGC are the vulnerable ones here. You need to report what your DGD is witnessing. And it's wonderful that she has family options for her future care. You're doing a great job.

If your dd is creating when under the influence of drugs or alcohol she cannot possibly be safely caring for her dd. If she is doing this when sober she should be arrested. In either of these situations SS should be acting with more direction. I would contact them again and ask that they formally document that you are raising new safe guarding concerns.

And she never apologises, nothing is ever her fault always mine.
I'm told she writes terrible things about me on facebook which friends and family read and believe.
She sent me a text recently asking how I could treat her like I do, she said she looks at her little girl and couldn't imagine ever treating her like that.
She feels we don't treat her as part of the family we now often do things without her because of her behaviour and how unpredictable she is....we dont tell her about these things so not sure how she knows.
She is insanely jealous of the one day per week I care for my other GD so her mum can work.
I'm so fed up .

How did this all start OP? Did your DD have an underlying diagnosis, or was it drink related? Do both kids have the same father?

I'm afraid that your other children are right and you are enabling your daughter. To be blunt, the more you wring your hands and find reasons to let this situation continue, the more her children are damaged and the more drained you will become- this is not sustainable. You (probably) didn't cause her problems, but you are helping her to hide from them and you are rewarding her behaviour.

Your daughter has problems that you can't fix, she needs to realise that she has these problems and engage with professional help. What you can do is to advocate for your granddaughter and be a persistent pain in the backside until someone listens and something is done. It would be nice to think that this would involve her mother sorting herself out and being a better parent, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like she will.

It's going to take a huge amount of energy, but you can get through this- is your granddaughter's father around/any use? Even if he can't/won't take her, if more than one of you was making a noise about this, it may help.

I don't think I'd ever be able to cut my children off, and I'm not suggesting that, but I think you need to be less entwined in whatever issues she has.

That's such a lot op, your DD is, obviously, putting her daughter at risk. She doesn't understand how lucky she is, to have a wonderful mum like you, where on earth would her DS be without your care? If she thinks you are not doing enough for her - tough!!!

I totally get you feeling isolated, now you have given your job up. I agree with a previous poster, that it would be in the children's best interest for them both to be with you, never mind what your DD thinks - but you are under such incredible stress as it is, it could well be too much.

There are no easy fixes here, my only advice is to keep badgering for help. To tell the SW what you've told us. Good luck op. I think you're amazing.

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

This all literally started one day when DD was 13 /14 yrs old, one day everything was normal the next day she didn't come home at the time I'd stated.
I drove round looking for her and found her just down the road with a couple of friends but she refused to get in the car and come home. I basically spent an hour or more playing cat & mouse with her until I got her into the car and took her home.
After that life was never the same, she wouldn't come home on time, would run away, was smoking, drinking and me & DH would be driving the streets at all hours looking for her. We'd ground her and she would climb out of windows in the middle of the night.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I realise I'm enabling her but what do I do? Do I not offer any help and support? I just can't see a way out.
GDs dad works away a lot and wants to see GD but DD won't let him or makes it extremely difficult for him and imposes ridIculous restrictions when he does have her such as he's not allowed to visit his family with her.
He is forever giving DD money as she's always saying she has no nappies/food etc.for GD but I don't think he would want to take her on permanently.

Time to cut off your DD and do whatever necessary to make sure her daughter is taken care of. If you're unable, then some other arrangements must be made by children's services. Once the care of your granddaughter is taken care of I'd suggest a tough love approach and cut her off until she agrees to address her problems. Only then can you let her back in. It's hard, it will feel wrong to you because you have always enabled her, but it's the best thing for her, for you and for everyone else involved. None of this is your fault. She's an adult. Work on taking care of yourself so when she's back around you're not tempted to fall back into old habits. It's a long road to a healthy life, but you have to start somewhere.

She honestly sounds like she has borderline personality disorder! Good luck with the situation my sister has it and the trail of destruction behind her in regards to relationships is appalling.

Also, look for a support group. They are out there and can be so helpful with suggestions or even just the camaraderie. So sorry for you. These situations are awful

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your dd.

I don’t think you’ll manage it verbally but maybe the ladies here can help write out exactly what behaviours of hers are making you feel like this and what she needs to do to change and the outcome of if she doesn’t try.

You need to get your GD out of her care and break contact ultimately though.

This isn't your fault you have taken on your gs which should be admired. I would bet your other children are hurting from seeing her abuse you and you having to take it so they are letting their frustrations out on you.
Speak to ss as you need more support from them
Get the people who read what she writes about you on social media to screen shot it as evidence.
Your love for your GD is amazing you are taking so much to protect her by staying in her life.

EKGEMS I think you could be right, I recall a few years ago a mental health professional mentioning BPD but it was never investigated as DD was drinking a lot at the time and they told her she needed to address the drinking first. Recently it came back to me and I have been reading up on it and the behaviours sound scarily like my DD.

Thank you everyone for your input.
I absolutely will do everything I can to make sure my GD is safe & will hopefully work out how to be protect myself from her drama.