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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheater wife

104 replies

Jack1964 · 04/08/2019 03:23

My wife of 30 yrs has been cheating on me for the last 4 months.
I have all the evidence from descriptive xrated texts to naked photos sent to each other, I even know where and when they met at his house.
Anyway lots of private information about myself and family were shared with him.
My wife has been a very loyal dependable mother and wife is in great shape and is usually of high moral standards.
Interestingly enough , I find it a a task to get my wife interested in sex due to her Menopause and lack of libido, yet she is more than willing to meet her partner 1-2 times a week for sex and she even told him she would contemplate divorcing me if all worked out with them.
I confronted her and she reluctantly confessed after being shown the evidence.
She blames it on having a boring life and working so hard and just wanted to do something exciting for herself.
We have 2 grown children and are very well off so no pressure on finances etc.
Anyway I cannot get this deceit and lack of morality out of my head, I’m going to see a counselor along with my wife but I don’t think this will help erase the thoughts and images I have of them both.
Interestingly enough it was the other man who ended this relationship whilst my wife practically begged for him to continue.
Wife says she doesn’t want to get divorced and feels cheated that 1 little mistake is going to ruin a 30 year marriage.
I would love to erase the last 4 months but I am finding it impossible to do so.

Is there any hope ?

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 04/08/2019 03:30

Sometimes relationships run their course sadly. It's tough as once she's had this thrill it's likely she'll want to experience something like that again. You'll always wonder who she's texting and where she is and she will get better at hiding and lying about it.
You're her safe zone and she doesn't really want to give up what she's used to. Neither would you really. Life is comfortable and change is scary.
Seeing a counsellor together with honest open conversation is a good step. Good luck op!

overnightangel · 04/08/2019 03:42

It’s not one little mistake though is it, it’s 4 months.
Keep all evidence and take it to a lawyers office to cover your own back in event of divorce. She sounds callous

Peakypolly · 04/08/2019 03:54

I am in a similar length marriage so understand there will be highs and lows in such a long relationship. It sounds like your (D)W was flattered and excited by a new man’s attention but that is where it should have ended, if anything, this could have added a bit of spice to your marriage.
I would not say a four month affair is “a little mistake”. A kiss or a drunken fumble maybe.
Is your wife full of remorse? Does she take equal responsibility for allowing your marriage to get boring? How does she plan to stop this happening again? Sharing confidences with her affair partner is disrespectful to you and I hope she feels aware of the hurt she has caused you (and could ultimately hurt your DC).
Obviously the counselling will help you to understand where you both are in this relationship but it will not erase your thoughts and images, it may help you come to terms with them.
Only you know if you wish to stay married but, even if the answer to that is yes, your DW needs to understand that she has broken what you had, and your relationship will always be changed by her actions.
I wish you well on the difficult journey you are on.

Banangana · 04/08/2019 04:07

People do come back from affairs but it requires a lot of work from both the cheater and the betrayed partner. It doesn't sound like your wife has taken full responsibility for what she has done and she doesn't sound very remorseful at all. She's clearly only sorry that she was caught. Even if you do stay together, you'll probably end up deeply resenting her. And judging by her attitude since being caught, I think she's likely to cheat again. She'll just be more careful next time.

ponyprincess · 04/08/2019 05:05

Calling it 'onel little mistake' is minimising

Would she call it that if the situation was reversed?

Think about what YOU want for your future

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 05:27

Nothing will erase the pictures in your head. You'll get used to them and you might become more sanguine about the retrospective situation. The counselling might help you

But your trust is broken. Only you know if you can live with that going forward

SimplySteveRedux · 04/08/2019 05:38

Interestingly enough it was the other man who ended this relationship whilst my wife practically begged for him to continue.

This scenario will repeat. As others have said she's had the thrill and will get better at lying and hiding it. I don't think counselling will achieve anything, I'm sorry.

AlongTheWay · 04/08/2019 06:21

Is there any hope ?

No, sorry.

AzraiL · 04/08/2019 06:30

Ironic that she feels cheated when she was the one doing the cheating.

She almost sounds as though she thinks being married for 30 years should get her a get-out-of-jail-free card for having an affair. That's not how it works.

Why should you consider 3 decades of matrimony while she clearly did not give them a second thought? And continued not to give them a second thought, repeatedly, every time she cheated on you? Where was her consideration when she told the OM she would consider leaving you for him if 'things worked out between them'?

Cut her loose OP. She's just angry that her plan (leaving you for OM) failed and that now her safe back up plan (staying with you) is under threat.

CircleofWillis · 04/08/2019 06:40

Do you actually want to be with her? You don't mention love and describing her as 'loyal and dependable' doesn't sound as if there was much romance left. As a PP said sometimes relationships run their course but also sometimes relationships have to change to continue working.

If you love her and want to work on being able to forgive her, counselling is a great first step. However it sounds like other changes would be needed as well for both of you to get more from the marriage than the comfort of familiarity.

NeighbourPooNameChange · 04/08/2019 06:48

The fact she’s minimising her deceit is a red flag. Do you really want to be with her?

When did you find out? This must be a horrible shock for you Flowers

NeighbourPooNameChange · 04/08/2019 06:52

Actually on rereading my post, I must have some weird bias going on... I agree, bin her - that’s what I’d implore anyone I knew to do.

Keep the evidence and see a solicitor. Meet someone who values you

Hopoindown31 · 04/08/2019 07:34

She isn't really sorry. There is no hope. Get rid of her.

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/08/2019 07:54

Of course she doesn't want to get divorced. She wants to retain her status and her wealth with you . If you do get divorced then she will get 1/2 of everything as a "long marriage". She wanted a bit of fun and had it . I know a woman like this and her husband forgave her but she went from one man to another until finally he had enough and divorced her. Your situation is awful but only you can decide if you put up with it .

bagpiss · 04/08/2019 10:38

She is minimising what happened because now it's all gone wrong and her leaving to be with other man isn't happening now.
It wasn't a "little mistake " it was 4 months of deceit and lies and even then she didn't fess up voluntarily, you caught her out.
Personally I'd ditch and move on, but appreciate hard when you've been together so long.

PicsInRed · 04/08/2019 10:49

That level of deceit, over 4 months, and she was willing to leave you for him? I'm so sorry, lovely, but this really isn't recoverable. The profound, gripping horror of discovery will stay with you for a while and no doubt you feel desperate to just make it all go back to how it was before. It won't and it can't. However, with distance from her, that feeling of horror will fade and you will begin to heal and feel normal again.

The heart breaks, shatters, but it's not glass, it's flesh - and it does heal with time.

You are still a young man, with decades of likely healthy life stretching before you. Wouldn't you like a chance to spend that time with a nice person, and find romantic love and attraction again? You have that chance if you end your marriage but zero chance if you remain within it.

30 years? Google sunk cost fallacy and put yourself first. Flowers

AusFrosty · 04/08/2019 11:16

If I was in your shoes, reconcile? I would struggle big time.

Let’s leave aside the sex with another man, on its own that could be a “mistake”.

She also broke confidences about you and your family and seemed to be lining up to leave you. The reality is you are her plan B, if the other man was willing, she would be gone.

She was not only disloyal sexually, but pretty much every other way.

KCM99 · 04/08/2019 11:29

@Jack1964 yes there is hope. If she repents there is hope. Until then, you look after yourself. Don't accept her minimising what happened. She did very wrong. She needs to understand this and realise what a horrid thing she has done and feel so damn rotten about it that she never would want to do that again.
People have affairs for all sorts of reasons. She needs to be open and honest about her reason and stop running. When she gets to this place then the relationship can be restored. The memories will always be there but as the years go by they won't hurt as much. You'll need to dig deep and forgive her when she truly repents. There is hope if you both can do this.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 04/08/2019 13:09

Thank you all for helping me out with my dilemmas.

I am going to ask her to write me a letter explaining everything she has done and why she thinks she did this.
I also need her to guarantee going forward this will never happen again if I give her another chance.
If I had to be honest , the way I feel at the moment I think my relationship is over.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 04/08/2019 13:33

“The fact she’s minimising her deceit is a red flag. Do you really want to be with her?

This.
You’re better off without her and hopefully you’ll walk away with pretty much everything

Otterhound · 04/08/2019 14:12

Basically she wants fun sex with someone else and security with you. And if the other guy hadnt dumped her maybe she would have left you.

This might not be her fist affair or her last,
You dont have to make a decision in a hurry

Notallitseemstobe · 04/08/2019 15:48

We have your side of this. She may have not enjoyed sex with you for a number of reasons and found what she needs somewhere else.

I would agree that having cheated once she'll find it hard not to keep seeking to fulfil needs not met in her marriage

Mythreefavouritethings · 04/08/2019 16:08

I don’t think the letter would be worth the paper it was written on, if I’m honest. If anything, it’s easier to promise more as words are cheap and you don’t have eye contact. I don’t know her or you obviously, so maybe it would be worth something to you, but from here it sounds like short-term reassurance. As others have said, she broke your confidence, said she would leave you, and begged him not to go. Sticking plasters can only do so much.

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 16:20

I also need her to guarantee going forward this will never happen again if I give her another chance.

Hmm
CloudyWithAChance2 · 04/08/2019 16:24

**I also need her to guarantee going forward this will never happen again if I give her another chance.
If I had to be honest , the way I feel at the moment I think my relationship is over.

Seriously, don’t be a mug. She’s in love with another dude.