Cheater wife

[Jack1964]

My wife of 30 yrs has been cheating on me for the last 4 months.
I have all the evidence from descriptive xrated texts to naked photos sent to each other, I even know where and when they met at his house.
Anyway lots of private information about myself and family were shared with him.
My wife has been a very loyal dependable mother and wife is in great shape and is usually of high moral standards.
Interestingly enough , I find it a a task to get my wife interested in sex due to her Menopause and lack of libido, yet she is more than willing to meet her partner 1-2 times a week for sex and she even told him she would contemplate divorcing me if all worked out with them.
I confronted her and she reluctantly confessed after being shown the evidence.
She blames it on having a boring life and working so hard and just wanted to do something exciting for herself.
We have 2 grown children and are very well off so no pressure on finances etc.
Anyway I cannot get this deceit and lack of morality out of my head, I’m going to see a counselor along with my wife but I don’t think this will help erase the thoughts and images I have of them both.
Interestingly enough it was the other man who ended this relationship whilst my wife practically begged for him to continue.
Wife says she doesn’t want to get divorced and feels cheated that 1 little mistake is going to ruin a 30 year marriage.
I would love to erase the last 4 months but I am finding it impossible to do so.

Is there any hope ?

So...She’s not happy with you and hasn’t been for a while.

She wanted to keep seeing the other man, and was even considering marrying him.

On the face of it, seems like it’s best if you go your separate ways.

I suspect the reason she says she wants to stay is she doesn’t want the marriage to break down because of her affair - probably doesn’t like that narrative.

But that’s not a foundation for reconciliation.

So went to see therapist today,
Totally unhelpful.
Wants me to start looking at myself from childhood and move forward with my feelings of betrayal anger and other shit.
I wouldn’t be seeing a f%##%ing therapist if my wife hadn’t cheated.
What I really need is a way, technique of forgetting my cheating wife completely, I don’t want to think about her ever again, I’m so sick and tired of rehashing and thinking about this affair,
What I need is someone to tell me how to forget her as I’m having a very difficult time doing this.
Therapy isn’t going to work when therapist says when you feel angry or bring up past events try too simmer down and do something really nice for yourself.
Well that would be getting in my wife’s face and screaming at her for 20 min now that would make me feel good.
But I can’t go on repeating this even I’m getting tired of it.
Pls help me to unlove her and forget her as I can’t forgive her, I need to move on today

I somehow think you can’t wipe out 30 years and the good times you had just like that and expect to move on ? You are going to feel hurt and pain and anger ? Surely that’s normal because you did care for her ? It’s like you have lost the life and the future you thought you had . Take one day at a time , don’t put so much pressure on yourself . How can you feel normal at such a time ?

I don’t think you should be over analysing your part in this unless your wife made it clear she was unhappy and you ignored her ? If that’s not the case then you are not responsible.

Just one think to remember . Even if you did work things and reconcile your marriage would be different, it would never be the same again . ,

I'm really sorry the therapist wasn't useful. It might be worth trying another one as you sometimes can struggle to find the right one for you. My third one was brilliant !! He got me completely and no childhood rubbish.

I wish I could say something useful to help you forget but I think you maybe already know it's not that simple ? However much you want to you can't forget 30 yrs overnight. It will happen but not as quickly as you need right now.

I found channelling my anger (and you have every right to feel like that) helped. Firstly I threw bricks at my shed, in my defence it was already dilapidated) but it got out some of the pure rage. Every night I walked for hours, headphones on listening to loud music, mainly so I didn't have to listen to my brain whirring over everything, but it also exhausted me so I could sleep.

This hurts (like f**k) and I think you need to allow all that pain to course through you before you can move on. Have you said what you need to say to your wife ? Because now it's time to withdraw the contact a bit, which is bloody difficult too I know. But it's about self preservation. She's showing little respect for your feelings so try and disengage. If talking is not helping don't do it. She doesn't have the right to your inner thoughts anymore.

ARe you both going to continue living in the same house for now ? That's tough so it might be worth coming up with a plan for how to change this.

You will survive this

So Hugh row tonight with wife.
We have decided to divorce .
We will be living in the same house for a few months until one of our rental homes becomes available (will have to give the tenants 3 months notice).
Any advice on living under the same roof?

I didn't have to experience this, my ex husband wanted to stay with the OW during the week and come home at weekends. Strangely enough I didn't think this was reasonable so after two weeks I said either he left or the children and I would.
One of my best friends had to do this for 10 months after finding out about his wife's affair. But their kids were younger than yours and still at home so they pretended everything was normal, went on holidays etc, and he still slept in the same bed with her all that time so the kids didn't find out before they had to. He said it nearly killed him.
So separate rooms for definite !! I think if this the way things are going then you have to start acting like it's a separation as soon as possible. Don't act like your still a couple or do too much together. But (and I know this is soooo hard) try and stop the arguing. It's not going to be doing you any good. Do they deserve civility ? Probably not but it will make your life so much easier in the long run.
I'm sorry your going through this, but hopefully now a decision has been made it will be better for you.

Talk to a solicitor to make sure you don’t compromise any claim to your assets but why do you have to stay there? Why not get an Air B & B for three months or tell her she has to? I couldn’t be in the same house as DH if he did that to me. You are in total shock still OP, it will wear off, but time is the great healer, nothing else is going to be the magic bullet. Putting distance between you could help though. Exercise of any kind is a great stress relief, can you swim or do weights, or run? Do you have any friends or family IRL you can discuss this with?

sorry to hear you’re going through such turmoil. I recently read a book called the power of now, which might help you to be present in the Moment and not keep rehashing the past or worrying about the future. It does have a few ‘woo’ bits but the essence is very useful. Hope you get things sorted ASAP and can start to move on.

We lived under the same roof for 9 months after separating but told the children the situation straight away. We lived like we were single most of the time spending evenings/weekends individually with the kids and on nights when the other was with children I would often arrange to meet with friends. I also watched a lot of you tube videos on being confident and seeing my self worth and took up surfing for new focus. Don't get my wrong I cried a lot too but haven't given the relationship a second thought after the initial 6 months and don't have a single regret. Hope that helps 🤷

We stayed in the same house for six months. We separated weekends, for is doing full alternative, so that the other parent could go away.

We told the children a couple of weeks in. We said we were still mummy and daddy but not husband and wife anymore.

We often ate family dinners together etc mid week.

You will never trust her again.

Wave goodbye to her find someone better.

Avoid her as much as possible (obviously). Take up some very energetic sport to burn off steam. Sign up for some new activities/go to concerts/music gigs and do a few things you wouldn't normally do. Go to sad movies/theatre and allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the marriage you thought you had. Give up on the idea of hearing a satisfactory answer for her appalling betrayal: it is what it is. Basically get on with living a bit - you deserve it.

I am so sorry.

Your wife would have continued the affair or left you for the OM had he allowed it. Can you live with knowing this information?

Your wife does not appear sorry and is justifying her four months of infidelity. Appalling behaviour.

The images of them together will haunt you for some time. There is no quick fix. You will have to go through the pain, the anger, the questioning why.

Get the best solicitor money can buy and take her for every, single penny. Also I would tell her to move out of the family home. Don’t you be forced out.

Why do people dredge these threads back up? Unless the OP chooses to come back, it’s pointless piling on advice for something that was posted months ago.

I'm so sorry for you, op and perfectly understand how betrayed you feel.
It's a good idea for you to part but try to maintain cordial relations so that when situations arise involving your grown up children, you can both be there and be friendly.

While you are still living under the same roof, just be civil and do your own thing.

From what you have said, it sounds as though your relationship had run its course. Sad but it happens. You both have a future though, you're not old.

Take care .

It was only in August that this was first posted, hardly a long time ago. The op may come back. I'm sure we'd all like to know how things are going.

Ask yourself this, 'after 30 years of marriage is that how you deserve to be treated'? Do yourself a favour sweetheart and find yourself a woman who will worship the ground you walk on. Good luck going forward.

@Jack1964 What a thing to find out :( Hugs xxx How are things?

I really feel sorry for the op, it must have been such a shock. I hope he comes back.

A few pp making excuses for her too.. thats never the case when a man cheats.

Always the case here. Typical mumsnet double standards. Some people have shit morals at the end of the day. There is never a reason to cheat... Ever. And I've never seen a good reason posted yet. They're all just excuses for being a prized cunt. I've seen every "reason" in the book posted on here. Some people are just assholes, those that cheat and the gullible idiots that stick up for them - they're all the same really. Anyone who does it or thinks its OK is a flat out cunt.

We have decided to divorce.

This is honestly the best option. She sounds like a childish, spoilt brat. All about her. What a horrible human. I'm so sorry she pulled one over on you to make you think she was a decent person. Divorce her and let her go destroy her asshole self.. You don't need her. It hurts, yes, but that's what the goal of these assholes is. To find nice people and destroy them. She'll get hers.. Eventually while you're off being happy with people who treat you with respect.

I think separation is in order here and I do hope he can move on and be happy in the future.

People sticking up for the cheater are just seeing her as a flawed human being, not minimising the op's pain. She's losing everything now after all which is sad even if her own fault. Hopefully she will find happiness again eventually.

I think divorce is the best thing for both of you. She cheated - that's unforgivable IMO no matter how unhappy she was. She should have spoken to you about her unhappiness so that you could both address the issues and then make decisions like adults.

However, your OP comes across as cold and not very pleasant. Your emphasis on 'immorality' really put my back up and makes me think all was not well in your marriage in the first place. You're better off divorced from her because she betrayed you. She's better off divorced from you because yours was clearly not a happy relationship. It will be hard, but hopefully you will both be able to find happy fulfilling relationships in the future.

You’re lucky you have a place to go to. Can you stay with friends or other relatives for 3 months ?

Definitely a good decision to divorce.

Jack1964 hope the divorce is going through ok, it’ll take ages to finalise.