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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheater wife

104 replies

Jack1964 · 04/08/2019 03:23

My wife of 30 yrs has been cheating on me for the last 4 months.
I have all the evidence from descriptive xrated texts to naked photos sent to each other, I even know where and when they met at his house.
Anyway lots of private information about myself and family were shared with him.
My wife has been a very loyal dependable mother and wife is in great shape and is usually of high moral standards.
Interestingly enough , I find it a a task to get my wife interested in sex due to her Menopause and lack of libido, yet she is more than willing to meet her partner 1-2 times a week for sex and she even told him she would contemplate divorcing me if all worked out with them.
I confronted her and she reluctantly confessed after being shown the evidence.
She blames it on having a boring life and working so hard and just wanted to do something exciting for herself.
We have 2 grown children and are very well off so no pressure on finances etc.
Anyway I cannot get this deceit and lack of morality out of my head, I’m going to see a counselor along with my wife but I don’t think this will help erase the thoughts and images I have of them both.
Interestingly enough it was the other man who ended this relationship whilst my wife practically begged for him to continue.
Wife says she doesn’t want to get divorced and feels cheated that 1 little mistake is going to ruin a 30 year marriage.
I would love to erase the last 4 months but I am finding it impossible to do so.

Is there any hope ?

OP posts:

Banangana · 04/08/2019 16:25

I know this isn't a joking matter but that line reminded me of this moment from the US Office

CatInADoghouse · 04/08/2019 17:03

I think you probably could have worked through it if she had ended it but she didn't. She begged him to continue and she said she wanted to divorce you. This other man won't be the last. 4 months isn't 1 little mistake. I can't believe she has the cheek to say she would feel cheated for the marriage to be over. She should have thought about the consequences of her actions before she jumped into bed with another man. I hope you can see that you deserve more than this.

EKGEMS · 04/08/2019 17:12

Well,I guess we know your cheating wife has a Mums net account as there is a cheating apologist amongst the previous posts on here!
I think she's a liar and a cheat and I'd divorce a man who did this to me and I think you won't get all that evidence out of your memory.

Original poster

Jack1964 · 04/08/2019 21:22

Ok
I have decided that I cannot forgive and forget what my wife has done to me re all the cheating and deceit,.
Where do I go from here , how do I initiate divorce , should I stay or ask her to leave.
I really don’t know what to do going forward.

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 04/08/2019 21:26

Jack, I think you're doing the right thing, the chance of recovering from something like this is tiny.
I'm not in the UK so i'm not sure how you initiate divorce proceedings etc.
Do you think she would leave if you asked her to? Unfortunately you won't be able to force her to stay.

I know this will be a tough time and you didn't expect or want it but you can be happy again in the future and meet someone else so just try to focus on that.

Original poster

Jack1964 · 04/08/2019 21:59

She will dig her heels in and want to stay.
She was the one that initiated the counseling that I didn’t want to go to but thought let me cover everything and not make any rash decisions.
Do I leave , do I stay and initiate divorce proceedings whilst living together

OP posts:

CatInADoghouse · 04/08/2019 22:07

Good for you Jack!
Maybe start with seeking some legal advice from a good family law solicitor and make sure you still have all of your evidence of the affair. There's also advice online about the proceedings on gov.uk and citizens advice.

gamerchick · 04/08/2019 22:10

You need legally advice before you do anything else OP. Find a solicitor.

user1481840227 · 04/08/2019 22:22

Sorry I meant that unfortunately you won't be able to force her to leave. I personally wouldn't leave just yet if you can tolerate being around her, I assume if you leave now it would be harder for you to get back to that house.

It really comes down to what you can tolerate and what is best for you mentally.

CatInADoghouse · 04/08/2019 22:44

It doesn't matter about you refusing counselling. She has given you grounds for divorce with committing adultery. If you don't file within 6 months of finding out then it's as though you condone her behaviour and you won't be able to use the adultery as grounds for divorce. Make sure you get advice first and get your ducks in a row before you tell her you're filing for divorce.

Original poster

Jack1964 · 05/08/2019 00:55

I am going to see a counselor tomorrow as this whole affair makes me sick to my stomach and I need help.
We have a second home that we rent out valued at about half the cost of our current home, I have decided to give my tenants 3 months notice
And move there myself .
I’m going to get out of this marriage with minimum fuss , I’ll just do a 50/50 split.
We have no dependents at home although both boys will be aghast at their Mother .
I cannot reveal the true nature of our split to them , I will tell them it’s a mutual decision as we don’t love each other anymore.
Fuck it’s gonna be hard.

OP posts:

AzraiL · 05/08/2019 14:20

How are you, OP?

Fromablokespoint · 05/08/2019 14:28

There is no way of buttering it up it is going to be hard. Its going to be really hard and shit at times.

But......

It does get better, and one day, maybe sooner than you expected it, it gets good again.

You need to leave, there is no coming back from this, IMHO once the trust has gone it is never regained.

Good luck mate.

overnightangel · 05/08/2019 15:03

Not a chance I’d be giving her a 50 50 split and let her stay in the bigger house, she’s basically having her cake and eating it and walking away with what she wants

FeckingHellfire · 05/08/2019 15:36

Hey mate, I feel your pain. I found out about 6 months ago that my wife of 15 years was having a 2-year affair. It stopped on discovery then restarted for about a month before finally ending.

If it is still early doors you might not want to make any big decisions yet. I know I changed my mind on what to do many times in one hour, let alone daily.

If you love your wife and you think you can get that back it might be worth giving it a go, but it is fucking hard (if you excuse the pun).

The mind movies, deceit and secrecy are very hard and the sad fact is will take ages to come to terms with. Fuck me I am still struggling 7/8 months later and we are in a good place reconciliation wise - therefore be kind to yourself and make sure you are staying healthy.

The fact that you are prepared to divorce and separate might actually be the shock she needs to rediscover what she may lose - this certainly happened in my case.

Fucking hell, it is a total shitstorm though. I think 1-to-1 counselling can be useful but I would caution against general marriage counselling - in my experience it does more harm than good, especially early doors.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. Stay strong 💪

FeckingHellfire · 05/08/2019 15:53

And as fromablokespoint said trust will be a major factor if you do decide to try and reconcile. I still have massive trust issues but you’ve got to balance that out with all you’ve built together over a long relationship 💪

Stressedout10 · 05/08/2019 16:18

Hi @Jack1964
I know that you have your children's best interests at heart but please don't lie to them about why you're splitting up, the truth will come out in the end and then your children not only have to deal with what there mother has done but also that you lied to them. You don't need to go into all the gory details just the basic facts ie she had a 4 month affair and that you can't forgive her . If things don't go amicably with the divorce you may need there support.

Rowan10 · 05/08/2019 17:40

Totally understand how you're feeling (been there, found the photos - now divorced !).
But all I would say, is give yourself a chance to process things before making irrevocable decisions. People do work through things like this and it doesn't make them weak, it takes immense strength to be honest. I accepted my share of responsibility for his affair, maybe we'd become complacent etc, not that it's any excuse for cheating. There isn't one in my book.
I couldn't get past it in the end but I'm still glad I gave it a go because 20 plus years is a long time to easily throw away. The aftermath and the divorce was horrendous but life is good now.
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

Bignicetree · 05/08/2019 19:40

Good advice from @feckinghellfire

Please don’t tell your children

GhostRidersInDisguise · 05/08/2019 20:28

The thing that would occur to me is that she would have got to a point with him where it is decided they will have a future together. Had you not found out about the affair she would have bullshitted you into believing that she has fallen out of love with you or that she was planning for years to go once all the kids left home or some other total bollocks. All of this would have been aimed at getting more than she is actually entitled to (not that it would likely have made a difference) and you would probably have believed her and she would have come out of it smelling like roses and everyone saying how sorry they were to her about the divorce etc. and then after nine months or so the OM would crawl out of the woodwork but be introduced as a new relationship when in fact it was all a big sham. I would be getting out too. Wise decision. You would never really get over the deception.

Original poster

Jack1964 · 06/08/2019 01:46

Feeling pretty down here.
I rehash the same thing every night with her and it’s not getting any easier, I really need some help to get over her.
Thank god im going to a counselor tomorrow.
Has anybody mastered a way to stop thinking about their other half, if so let me know.

Cheers all and thanks for all your input

OP posts:

Rowan10 · 06/08/2019 02:04

You have every reason to feel down, it would be more surprising if you didn't.
The reality is you can't 'get over' 30 years in an instant. I don't miss my ex anymore (2 yrs on) but I still don't sleep well hence being awake when I have to be up for work at 6am !!
I understand you want a solution now, but just be kind to yourself, it's a kind of grief too, and hopefully the counselling will help tomorrow.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2019 08:30

We have your side of this. She may have not enjoyed sex with you for a number of reasons and found what she needs somewhere else.

Yet this would never be said if a man was cheating and the wife was the one posting here.

LittleWing80 · 06/08/2019 08:47

You are doing the right thing OP having counselling for yourself (rather than marriage/couple). It will be tough and take time. It will probably also affect how you approach future relationships but you will get there. Best of luck for your session today.

ladymariner · 06/08/2019 10:29

04/08/2019 15:48Notallitseemstobe

We have your side of this. She may have not enjoyed sex with you for a number of reasons and found what she needs somewhere else.

Are you the cheating wife?? Why are you making excuses for this woman?
Op, you deserve better. Get a good solicitor and look after yourself.

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