My friends wife. Is this abuse?

[wotNtarnation]

I am quite good friends with a man that I work with. We've worked together for around 10 years and have spent many lunchtimes alone together at a local cafe as well as group nights out and a few evening trips to the pub after work here and there, sometimes alone and sometimes with a group. Nothing sexual has ever happened, not even after alcohol! We are just friends and enjoy each other's company. We are both married with children.

The problem is with his wife. I have met her a handful of times at work but he's never admitted to her that we have a friendship. When I meet her I have to pretend he and I are not close. She's very jealous and insecure and wouldn't like it, even though it really is just a friendship and she has absolutely nothing to worry about.

It's not just about me either. I have asked him and she's jealous of a lot of women, often accuses him of cheating/having affairs, will sulk and not speak to him if he mentions some of women that we work with. Lately I've felt really sorry for him due to some of her behaviours and accusations.

Do you think this is a form of abuse? He does still have the freedom to go out, she doesn't stop him, however, she can become sulky about it and sometimes will try to make him feel guilty about going out. He also has to lie to his wife about who he is with if there are women in the party, he has to delete any text messages that I send him straight away (I assume this is the case with other women he might text too), he can't have female friends visit the house. Is this normal? Is it acceptable behaviour? Should I try to speak to him about this?

Sounds a bit of a self perpetuating cycle to me. He’s sneaking round on secret lunches and deleting text messages and gaslighting her about how close he gets to women at work and she can probably sense something is off so is mistrustful of him and comes off as controlling. He then feels he is right to hide stuff and the cycle repeats all over again. Who is to say who started it? I’d say abusive is a strong word but the relationship doesn’t sound healthy and neither are behaving well towards each other.

Either: she’s batshit and controlling and abusing him

Or: he’s a serial cheat and she is on the case.

Either scenario is just as likely and just as messy. I’d stay out of it.

He may only be having a platonic relationship with you, but who's to say that he hasn't cheated on his wife with someone else? Possibly more than once, and his wife knows. And that is why she doesn't trust him. That could be a reason for her behaviour.

Thanks Ronnie. I think you're exactly right. Neither of them is treating the other particularly well. It makes me uncomfortable that he lies about our interactions (by omission at least) and that I have to pretend that we're not friends whenever I do see the wife.

I do trust him and think that she is the one with a serious jealousy problem but I think it needs addressing, not just sweeping under the carpet whilst spinning a web of lies!

I have asked him if he has ever cheated or even kissed someone else and he said that he hasn't. Of course he could be lying! But he has no reason to lie to me. I've told him many truths and secrets and he has told me things too so I don't think he would lie. Especially if he had cheated and she knew about it.

I think hes revelling in it. Honestly, stay out of it. Hes playing games with You and with her

When I meet her I have to pretend he and I are not close.

I have to pretend that we're not friends whenever I do see the wife.

You don't have to do anything. He is asking you to lie and you are agreeing to lie. it is up to you but I would not continue this friendship if I had to lie to his wife. Whether he is justified in lying or not is neither here nor there from your point of view. You are being made into a secret and made to lie for a friendship and you should not accept that.

I guess you are only hearing one side of this story. There could be reasons for this.

I also think it's pretty normal that men don't have female friends visiting their house or texting really. It's just part of adult relationships for a lot of people.....and he is obviously lying to her about certain aspects of this and her gut instinct is proving correct, you don't know which came first in this situation!

have spent many lunchtimes alone together at a local cafe as well as group nights out and a few evening trips to the pub after work here and there, sometimes alone and sometimes with a group

You won't find many wives who would be happy with this.

I've told him many truths and secrets and he has told me things too

Sounds like an emotional affair to me.

Poor wife. I would stop asking him about their relationship. Its between them and not really something you need to get involved with. Perhaps the poor woman feels insecure for a reason. You have only heard one side of the story. I would put my efforts into my own marriage and stop worrying about him.

Her spidey senses are telling her that’s he lying. So she doesn’t trust him because he is actually lying, and he’s gaslighting her about ‘nothing’ going on.

Why did you jump to thinking she is the abusive one when he’s quite blatantly lying to her? Why hasn’t he tried to find a way to be include her in his friendships - for example introducing both partners to each other - instead of being all secretive? Especially as you imply that he does this with more female friends than just you?

'When I meet her I have to pretend we are not close' umm...no you don't, and if he is expecting you to do that then I suspect he is no angel...and quite frankly, manipulative.

Also, you only have his word that she is all insecure and needy - which I'm sorry but, is usually bullcrap spun by ppl who are using you as part of narcissistic triangulation.
Bet he tells his wife you are a really annoying colleague, the same way he slags her off to you.

Maybe if he was honest about you and invited you round to dinner sometime with her, you could trust him. But ATM the whole trying to keep you a secret thing...wouldn't sit right with me.

Has she ever met your DH. If you're so close to him then presumanky the four of you should be good friends too and go out as a group. What does your dh think of you telling him secrets and texting.

. I've told him many truths and secrets and he has told me things too so I don't think he would lie. Especially if he had cheated and she knew about it.

You sound too invested in this, and he's cheating emotionally on his wife. She has every right not to trust him.

Has she ever met your DH. If you're so close to him then presumanky the four of you should be good friends too and go out as a group. What does your dh think of you telling him secrets and texting.

wondering this too.

I made a good friend - one of my best actually - at work. We really hit it off. So we immediately introduced our spouses to each other/us - we hit it off as couples too (even though they are older than us). Now we meet as a foursome (sometimes meeting other friends of each others), I sometimes meet the wife for coffee/lunch as she is an interesting lovely person. And I continue my friendship with the original guy by meeting for lunch or coffee and one shared activity with other people. No secrets, no lies. no "his wife is abusive because he can't tell her about me and I have to lie". How about switching the words around in that sentence? "He won't tell his wife about me and makes me lie to her - is he being abusive to her?" (and what the fuck am I to him that I need to lie)

It could be abusive yes. But you dont have her side of it.... but then again if it were a close female friend you would certainly have words with her about your concerns over her partners jealousy
My husbands ex was abusive... she used to follow him and text him hundreds of times a day accusing him of cheating on her. Once she met him at his office after work and forced him to show her the CCTV footage of him in the office all day because she didnt believe hed been there. She used to sulk and rage if he ever tried to meet up with female friends and even send him loads of abuse if he ever liked any social media posts of any female friends, not even selfies just innocuous stuff like pet pictures or funny statuses...
So I know it happens. He got a restraining order on her in the end. He got all this domestic violence counselling etc... I actually knew him at the time and had known him before they were together... I feel really bad that I didnt say anything now because he did withdraw from our friendship a bit during his relationship with her saying she didnt like it... I thought that wasnt right but I kept my thoughts to myself thinking it was none of my business.... and then it turned out he really was being abused so I wish I'd said something... according to him no one said anything to him so he thought to himself that it couldn't be that bad

So you regularly meet with this guy often on your own as well as in groups. Then you both lie to his wife about this and how well you know each other.

And you think his wife is abusive because she wouldn’t like this if she knew about it?

It might only be an emotional affair, but you are the Other Woman.

His wife is rightly upset, he is gaslighting her, enjoying it, and involving you in HIS abuse of HER.

I mean, come on, you've only heard his side of it and he still comes across as a cheating, gaslighting arsehole. Imagine what the objective truth looks like? Imagine what his wife's lived reality feels like?

Get a hold of yourself and stay away from married men.

I think it sounds like you and this man have slightly overstepped the boundaries of friendship. So I can understand his wife feeling jealous and insecure about it, even though nothing physical is actually happening. I think he is the one in the wrong, not her.

You trust a man who asked you to lie to his wife?

“even after alcohol!”

I don't feel you are being honest with yourself, let alone anyone else. Would you usually get sexual with men you have working/ platonic relationships with because you've had a few drinks?

Praising yourselves for not getting sexual even after alcohol says a lot about who you are op.