Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me forgive his affair

88 replies

DisneyMillie · 03/08/2019 09:21

I discovered about 2 months ago that my DH had a 4 month physical affair with a much younger girl at work 3 years ago.

It started just before we had our dd and continued until our DD was about 4 months old during which time we were booking and planning our wedding (we married about 6 weeks after the affair ended).

I’m totally devastated, I thought we had the perfect relationship. We’re seeing therapists and it seems like it was the stress of a very difficult pregnancy after a previous miscarriage that probably “caused” it - not that that excuses anything but I understand that it was a distraction and I believe it wasn’t emotional.

I can see he is genuinely remorseful and is devastated that he’s hurt me and we both want it to work but I am struggling so much with accepting that the man I thought I knew has done something so awful - I feel it’s destroyed my memories of our wedding and birth of our child and I can’t understand however stressed how he’d have betrayed me like this.

Can anyone who’s been through this and forgiven give me any advice on how to accept things and try and move on. I seem to cope for a day and then I’m back on the floor sobbing and questioning him.

OP posts:
FelixFelicis6 · 03/08/2019 09:25

You likely will never be able to accept it and move on. I know I couldn’t. I’m so sorry. The resentment and betrayal carries on bubbling away and in my experience will always be there in some capacity. You might never truly trust him again, worrying every time he’s back late..

Rainandspirit · 03/08/2019 09:26

How did you find out ?? 2 months is not a long time. I am 8 weeks also after finding it out and tbh. I am just taking 1 day at a time. I go from wanting to work it out to wanting to end it. I do know that like you it has ruined my memories of our life together.

Walkmehome · 03/08/2019 09:27

How did you find out?

Original poster
DisneyMillie · 03/08/2019 09:35

I found out from old MacBook messages that he hadn’t realised were there.

I don’t mean to be ungrateful but I’m really only looking for advice as to how to move on - preferably from those that have managed - I know some people can’t but I really want to.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/08/2019 09:36

Oh god. OP, I had a similar experience in that my ex cheated on me while I was pregnant/just had the baby. He cried and begged. I stayed. He did it again. I spent about 15 years trying to make it work. It's not worth it.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2019 09:41

I can't advise you because you are trying to do the impossible.

You sre starting from a false premise. You had a miscarriage so this "caused" him to seek sex elsewhere. No. He made a series of choices where he gave himself permission to fuck someone else at a time when you were most vulnerable.

This is unforgivable.

newmomof1 · 03/08/2019 09:45

OP it was 3 years ago and it sounds like you have had a great marriage since then. I think that in itself will help.

It's important to let yourself be angry, and sad.
You'll have so many questions and you'll have good days and bad days, and he needs to accept it all.

Talk about it as much as you need to. Ask all the questions you need to ask. Cry and shout when you need to.

I think time can be a healer if you're both willing to try.

Catapultaway · 03/08/2019 09:47

Can't say I've been through it.but two months doesn't seem like a long time. I imagine takes a lot longer to forgive and build that trust again.
Goodnluck, I hope you get to the place you want to be.

Wizbetisanizbet · 03/08/2019 09:47

I recommend the surviving infidelity. Lots of people in the same situation who can give you excellent advice. X

FuriousVexation · 03/08/2019 09:48

If you literally want to forgive him and move on then you need to start with a premise of "most people want to fuck multiple people, including those they don't emotionally care for"

Once you've absorbed that, are you cool with that or no.

Wizbetisanizbet · 03/08/2019 09:48

Sorry website fail - www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums

Wizbetisanizbet · 03/08/2019 09:50

And again, not doing too well with technology this morning. www.survivinginfidelity.com

Eatsshoootsandleaves · 03/08/2019 09:55

I couldn't, and wouldn't want to forgive him OP. It's not just the affair- it's the 3years of lies afterwards. And he still didn't come clean until you found evidence! That is an enormous amount of disrespect, are you even sure there aren't any other skeletons waiting to jump out? A marriage should be based on trust and respect not one partner sh*tting all over the other.

category12 · 03/08/2019 09:56

So he didn't tell you, you found out. He's an excellent liar and has sat with this deception for three years. How can you trust it was just this one affair?

He lied to your face for four months, and beyond.

KUGA · 03/08/2019 09:56

Sadly your one of thousands of women that have been cheated on.
He may regret it now,but only after you found out.
The best prediction of the future is the past
Sadly,i know of a women who physically saw her husband with another women ,and he still denys it.
She told him the time and place,but still denys it.
Even though he knew she had.
My advice to her was leave if he wont admit what he knows you saw.
Unsure of the outcome at this moment in time.
But knowing her as I do,one day she will pack her bags and disappear
without a trace.
I hope you do the right thig for YOU NOT HIM.

JaniceJoplin · 03/08/2019 09:56

I couldn’t forgive that sorry. Honestly if a friend was in your situation would you advise her to bury it? He checked out when you were at your most vulnerable. Life is not easy, bearing and raising children isn’t easy what is going to happen next time it isn’t all rosy? He is not a good man I fear.

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 09:58

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, but the truth is that there are endless tales on here of women who DID get past it and DID move on, but he just did it again - often emerging when the woman is menopausal and he only thinks she is too old to move on with her life and find someone else.

This is exactly the sort of man who let's you bear and raise his children, destroy any career you had for the benefit of child rearing ... then leaves when you hit your 50s.

There are one night stands, roaring drunk (bad enough) and a long affair whilst heavily pregnant with a newborn. He didn't do this because you had a miscarriage and he was stressed, he did this because he could and he wanted to.

You can't move forward until you dispel all of your own "coping myths" and accept the reality of who he is and what he truly did - in stark daylight. Flowers

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 10:01

One more thing. You aren't married. Does he have assets in his name and/or good income which might be beneficial for the support of your child? If so, you may wish to proceed with the marriage - at least in the short term. Do you have assets/income which you might prefer to protect outside of marriage? If so, you may wish to remain unmarried - at least from him. He's shown you who he is and now you need to protect yourself and your child, financially.

Have you been to the doctor for medical support? They can prescribe sedatives, then mild antidepressants to get you eating, sleeping and thinking straight again. It can be unbelievably helpful with decision making and moving forward.

category12 · 03/08/2019 10:02

She is married to him, Pics.

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 10:03

Sorry, just re-read that you did marry. That's likely a good thing, financially speaking. Please speak with a good solicitor and find out where you stand as this will help you to form a potential alternative future in your mind.

user1479305498 · 03/08/2019 10:04

I found out 11 years afterwards and in my 50’s. You can get by OP but the main issue I would say is you won’t ever quite feel the same way about them and a remorseful husband then tends to become quite needy because they sense your feelings of ‘not feeling the same’ .

Original poster
DisneyMillie · 03/08/2019 10:05

Both counsellors we are seeing said that stress can cause men to have affairs - I didn’t say it makes it right but perhaps understandable. I don’t think it’s a coping myth - there are normally reasons beyond “because he can” to why people have affairs - doesn’t make it ok but maybe helps with the understanding.

As I said - I’m looking for practical advice from people who have made it work. I know for some it’s unforgiveable, other men do it multiple times - but some people do genuinely have a good marriage after an affair and it doesn’t repeat. I’m hoping we might be that

OP posts:
fedup2017 · 03/08/2019 10:05

Well I have/did.
The first thing to remember is that what other people think about the affair and what u do next is not what u need to focus on.
Do you think he is genuinely remorseful? Do you want to be with them still?

If yes then give it time, talk lots.and get some therapy both together and separately.

I'm five years down the line. Things are good in my marriage at the moment I think. On balence I'm glad we worked on it. But it's been hard.

The very hardest thing was people telling me what to do. Either that I was a doormat and would never be able to get over it, or that I needed to put up for the sake of the children. The pain fades with time. We will always look back on it as the darkest time in our marriage and he freely admits now he was a complete shitbag towards me at the time. However we've had good times since and it has in part made our marriage what it is today

Musti · 03/08/2019 10:05

He lied and cheated whilst you were pregnant with his child and whilst you were planning your wedding and getting married. What kind of sick person does this? The type of man who you will never be able to trust because if he can do it at those special times, he'll do it any chance he gets. You will never be able to relax with him, you'll always wonder where he is when he's working late etc.

I tried to forgive a cheating ex but just became a paranoid person and when there is no trust, there is no relationship. I found out afterwards that he'd tried it on with a friend whilst I was in hospital because of pregnancy complications.

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 10:09

Are you having individual counselling - outside of any religious context?