Help me forgive his affair

[DisneyMillie]

I discovered about 2 months ago that my DH had a 4 month physical affair with a much younger girl at work 3 years ago.

It started just before we had our dd and continued until our DD was about 4 months old during which time we were booking and planning our wedding (we married about 6 weeks after the affair ended).

I’m totally devastated, I thought we had the perfect relationship. We’re seeing therapists and it seems like it was the stress of a very difficult pregnancy after a previous miscarriage that probably “caused” it - not that that excuses anything but I understand that it was a distraction and I believe it wasn’t emotional.

I can see he is genuinely remorseful and is devastated that he’s hurt me and we both want it to work but I am struggling so much with accepting that the man I thought I knew has done something so awful - I feel it’s destroyed my memories of our wedding and birth of our child and I can’t understand however stressed how he’d have betrayed me like this.

Can anyone who’s been through this and forgiven give me any advice on how to accept things and try and move on. I seem to cope for a day and then I’m back on the floor sobbing and questioning him.

Alongtheway, I personally think that sometimes people treat their partners in such a bad way that that explains why their partner cheats. Some things are just as bad as cheating. Some people make their partners feel like dirt, it's not surprising then if someone offers them comfort that they may grab that with both hands.

Yep agree totally. Sometimes people are in bad relationships. So they have the option to leave and find someone else, or leave and jump straight to the person interested in them waiting in the wings if they can't bare to be alone for a minute. Doesn't require cheating.

Everyone has the option to leave first. Still not an excuse to cheat IMO, those are the kinds of excuses I see all the time and sure no one is saying they have to put up with being treated like shit, but there is still no need to cheat.

Well again there are explanations and circumstances for that.

I know a woman who cheated after months of her boyfriend calling her names etc. due to her past. She was so broken down etc. that it just happened. Why did she stay? because the verbal and emotional abuse had made her trauma bonded to him and she felt worthless so she stayed stuck, she didn't intend to cheat.

I know a man who had an affair, his wife had emasculated him privately and publicly at every opportunity and again made him feel absolutely worthless, he gradually built a friendship with a woman which turned into a slow burning romance and he cheated. Why did he stay? well again because he felt completely worthless, also there were children involved and he didn't want to leave them so he felt trapped. He did leave in the end.

Are either of the parties in those stories the wronged parties? I personally don't think so, I think the cheating was a consequence of terrible treatment and I don't think those who were cheated on were victims. It's not always so easy to leave.

I think the cheating was a consequence of terrible treatment

No excuse for terrible treatment but still not an excuse to cheat, even in your examples.

It's not always so easy to leave.

If course it's easier to stay than bother with the separation etc. Still no excuse. And all the details about what went on behind the scenes and what lead to what is still just all one side of the story. Perhaps the cheater tells people stories to make what they did sound reasonable, after all they have proven to be deceitful by cheating in the first place so who knows what other lies they've told or embellished....

Our opinions on it differ. Mine won't change and I don't intend to change yours. We just view it differently and my view comes from personally experiencing being cheated on and hurt, not from what I heard happened to someone else.

The person who is made to feel worthless will struggle to end a relationship far more than the person who is making them feel worthless!

The person who is treating their partner badly also has the option to leave before engaging in that abusive behaviour, and they don't either!

They clearly don't love their partner properly, and they're not the one struggling with the very feelings that will keep someone from moving on (feeling worthless and like you wouldn't be good enough for anyone) and they don't leave either!!

Also in the stories I mentioned earlier it's actually the man I was friends with in the first story, he told me himself how he treated her and about her sleeping with someone else.

In the second story I witnessed a lot of that, there's no way that guy was treating her badly at home considering how meek and broken down he was.

You keep saying excuse, I'm not using that word. I'm using the word explanation. There is a big difference.

It's like childbirth. You can see it on the TV, watch to happen to someone in real life etc etc but until you go through it yourself you have no real notion of what it's like. It's all theory.

You keep saying excuse, I'm not using that word. I'm using the word explanation. There is a big difference.

Apologies...

Change where I said excuse to explanation then, my thoughts on it don't change. I'll try to remember to use that word in future so as not to offend you trying to defend the "explanations" for cheaters cheating. They're still cheaters and there is no reasonable "explanation" for it. They have a choice to leave, or to cheat and as someone who's been through it I have no time for cheaters no matter how they paint it when we all make the concious choice to cheat or not to.

Can't stand psychologist that justify men cheating on normal life events, absolutely fucking ridiculous.
I had one tell me her client has random one night stands every time his wife has a migraine that lasts a few days because he feels that's the only way he can cope. With HER migraine, poor lamb.....

This is also straying from the point of the OP's thread into theoretical 'explanations' that don't sound relevant to the OP's situation. Are the examples you are giving useful User? In the highly emotional devastation of DDay for this OP I'd be a bit concerned about persisting with those tbh.

Yes you're right NomDeQwerty. That's my opinion and I did say I wanted to leave that part out as I felt it wasn't applicable to this situation, just felt the need to keep arguing my point with alongtheway but it wasn't right on this thread.

The original point I made that I feel is applicable to this situation was that although the OP through therapy with the OP is looking at what 'caused it', that regardless of what the reasons were it is very very unlikely that they can salvage the relationship to the point where she will be happy in the future. I'm someone who believes that cheating isn't black and white, and even I couldn't get past it!

I saw she wanted success stories and didn't wanted to hear those things, but the reality is that very few can get back on track.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My husband had a 3 month emotional affair about 15 months ago. I think I would have preferred him to have had a one night stand, as I would have found that easier to understand....being a bit tipsy, feeling attracted to someone etc. But the fact he was in constant contact with another woman for several months cut me deeply. The sense of betrayal I felt literally took my breath away. I worshipped this man. We'd been together 20 years. He did leave temporarily and we spent months at war with each other. Me being in a constant state of paranoia, constantly asking him questions. Him getting fed up of answering and threatening to leave etc. It was pretty awful. I was broken, I couldn't eat or sleep. After about 6 months, we started to talk properly and there were some things he wasn't happy about within our relationship, mostly to do with my mood swings and long working hours. Although I excepted that his feelings may have been valid, I made it clear that he could have spoken to me and instead he CHOSE to betray me. We agreed to stop talking about it after we had discussed it in depth as it wasn't helping anymore. My DH has really tried to make it up to me since. He's more open, doesn't have his phone stuck to him anymore, we talk a lot more, he's more caring and affectionate towards me now. If he's on a night out, he will message me several times to check on me etc. I found the more he 'cared' for me, the less hostile toward him I became. In many ways our relationship is better now, we opened up and we're more honest with each other than we probably ever have been. BUT I don't feel the same way about him anymore (hoping I will in time). I idolised him before, had so much respect for him. Now, I know what he's capable of. He had no problem betraying me and our children. I've also done a lot of work on myself, joined a gym, socialise with friends more etc. I've also taken steps to protect myself financially and I know if it happened again, I would walk away without hesitation. I would never, ever put myself through that much pain for him again.

So I suppose my advice to you would be that it's going to take time. In the early days you do need to discuss it and he needs to try and honestly answer your questions (sometimes this can be more painful though). There will come a point when you really need to stop discussing it on a daily basis (not never talk about it again) so that you can start to repair your relationship. The real positive here is that you're are both willing. He's going to have to work really really hard to love you. In the mean time try and do things for yourself that make you feel good. Wishing you all the best.

It’s a battle OP and it takes a long time. Many relationships won’t last an affair, it’s just too hard but some do.

Therapy has helped us enormously and talking about everything we feel is also essential. Trust has been a big hurdle and so we’ve tried to lower the barriers and be much more open with our phones, social media etc.

Keeping the paranoia at bay is probably the trickiest part. I’d suggest blocking the OW as it’s torture.

Good Luck OP