Help me forgive his affair

[DisneyMillie]

I discovered about 2 months ago that my DH had a 4 month physical affair with a much younger girl at work 3 years ago.

It started just before we had our dd and continued until our DD was about 4 months old during which time we were booking and planning our wedding (we married about 6 weeks after the affair ended).

I’m totally devastated, I thought we had the perfect relationship. We’re seeing therapists and it seems like it was the stress of a very difficult pregnancy after a previous miscarriage that probably “caused” it - not that that excuses anything but I understand that it was a distraction and I believe it wasn’t emotional.

I can see he is genuinely remorseful and is devastated that he’s hurt me and we both want it to work but I am struggling so much with accepting that the man I thought I knew has done something so awful - I feel it’s destroyed my memories of our wedding and birth of our child and I can’t understand however stressed how he’d have betrayed me like this.

Can anyone who’s been through this and forgiven give me any advice on how to accept things and try and move on. I seem to cope for a day and then I’m back on the floor sobbing and questioning him.

I'm currently 2.5 years post my husbands affair.

I'm still one day at a time. This is mainly perpetuated by the details being drip fed - I finally got the information a few days ago actually that it wasn't just an EA that he had (he's always maintained that his affair was never physical and I couldn't shake the thought that his 'story' didn't add up...) and he had had sex with her. She was a colleague and about 10 years younger. He's never given much by way of explanation other than he was stupid and had his head turned. Our DD was 10 at the time and very hard work but I didn't shag someone else so that's no excuse at all.

If you want to make things work, you need to give yourself a break. Cry, scream and yell at him if you need to. Bottling it all up won't help. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY. It was HIS choice to do this to you and your family. HE should feel shit and HE needs to accept the 'blame' for it.

I'm still working through my feelings about it all so you might have to accept that this may take a lot of time to get through and there is no quick fix. Everyone is different and what helps one relationship might not help another so trial and error may be the best thing right now.

Feel free to private message if you want to

Agree with @AnyFucker, and lets face it unless you had found those messages you would have been none with wiser so it wasnt exactly eating him from the inside out with guilt was it.

Your "therapist" needs sacking. Traumatic life events are not and never will be a valid reason for sticking your penis into another woman. The two are catergorically unrelated and to suggest otherwise is frankly insulting to you.

But..if your determined to wash over it then go with the above and be ready to turn a blind eye the next time he does it.

We are 12 years post his affair now. Dh had an affair with a woman from work. I found that his attitude towards his affair and his dedication to making our marriage better helped enormously. When I found out, he immediately put his entire effort into making things right between us. He had reasons for the affair but he never once used them to excuse his behaviour, he accepted responsibility without hesitation and never blamed me. We had counselling which really helped, as the reason he turned to another woman had to be addressed or it could happen again, so although people say "nothing excuses an affair" that isn't strictly true, if you never address what those reasons were they can come back, I had to accept that my behaviour at that time also needed to change, I was never to blame but if I wanted it to work I had to accept changes in myself, if you see what I mean. It's hard to explain as people can get immediately defensive. You need to understand the behaviour that led up to the affair to be able to have trust that you'll recognise it another time and be able to communicate with your partner

Try reading Esther Perel?

I don’t see why the onus is on you to forgive him, the timings of when he did it are fairly unforgivable. His explanation of how it happened isn’t pleasant either. I suppose you need to decide if you can get past this and only you know this.

A friend of mine temporarily managed to but ultimately the relationship ended and his infidelity was a big part of the reason why

I think it helps if the guy will actually accept you ‘need to bring it up’ sometimes. That’s what I found hard (and we are still together) he didn’t want it bringing up , not even very occasionally, as he couldn’t cope with feeling like he was a total shit

You are looking for an unicorn in a field of horses.

Your marriage will never be the same. It won't be better so anyone who spouts that bullshit needs their head looking at. You will never be the same. He is not the same person that you thought you were in love with. 2 months in, you just want things to go back to normal but it can never truly happen.

I'm 2 years in after discovering his affair, it's become strictly a marriage of convenience on my side. I feel nothing but disgust and loathing for him. From the outside, we look like we are doing well and he thinks I'm getting over it, but most days I hope he will crash his car and die on the way home from work.

I have to say, at one point I would absolutely have said that "the affair made us stronger" (but it always tarnished things, I had been sooo happy and so proud(?) of us as couple in the beginning). But there was never any peace of mind, and he was who he was. He loved me as much as he was capable of, and never wanted us to split up. He couldn't/wouldn't keep it in his pants tho.

Both counsellors we are seeing said that stress can cause men to have affairs

Where did you find these counsellors? Are women immune to the effects of stress, just men that need to go and shag someone else to help them through?

Stress does not make someone cheat. Everyone has stress in their lives, it should be a time to pull together not apart. You support each other through stressful times, it’s when times are rough you need each other the most.

Your husband made a choice, don’t look for reasons to excuse him. He chose to sleep with someone else. He chose to cheat on you. To move forwards you need to choose whether you can accept that or not.

I am friends with someone who forgave an affair and they are still together 20+ years later. She made no attempt to excuse what he’d done, she told all her friends and used their support to get through it and when he threatened to top himself if she left him she told him to go ahead and walked out of the house for the night. He didn’t. She always had the attitude that she couldn’t and wouldn’t make justifications for his behaviour, but she could make a choice to forgive him and that what she did.

I suppose op could make changes to herself so that she never has another miscarriage. She could ensure nothing sttessful ever happens in his life ever again. Could make it that she never needs his support for any reason at all.

That might work. She could really "look to herself" couldn't she. Or maybe find a better life that doesn't include trying to polish the massive pile of shit that has been handed to her.. I think that would be much more preferable.

I agree with others that you’re trying to achieve the impossible. I know because I’ve been in your position. You can’t ever forgive and why should you? If you try to then you’re basically telling him that he can do whatever he wants and you’ll put up with it. You (and your therapists) seem to be making excuses for him too. It’s your choice but if you do try to forgive then we’ll see you back on here in a few years when he does it again the next time things get a bit stressful!

You might not ever move on. I think you’re trying to get past it really quickly and bury it under the carpet. Only it will eat you up inside. It’s been two months, which is nothing.

He has to take full responsibility for it. Does anyone else know or are you protecting him?

Your counsellor sounds shit. I agree with @AnyFucker btw. And go for counselling on your own.

It will eat you up inside, I know this from experience sadly. I'm still with my H (see how I don't say DH) because the man I married is gone. He's been replaced with this vile man who provides for us and makes my skin crawl. If I could go back 18months I'd have kick his sorry ass out of my life and struggled on penny-less.

The kids adore him, no one knows what he's done to me. I'm stuck, I wanted to get past it.. I still have mad dreams, if I drink wine the rage boils inside me. Sometimes I read these post and just try and save others from my own regrets.

I wish you well I really do but I have no happy ending. 😐

Counsellors said stress can make men have affairs. I didn’t say it makes it right but perhaps understandable

In order to move forward, you need to question this.

You are saying effectively that the next time your DH is in a stressful situation and you are at your worst vulnerable state, having an affair is the only coping mechanism he has.

How could you have a positive vision of the future with this “fact”?

Your DH needs to find a new coping mechanism. Whether your “understand” him or not, it is a recipe for disaster for your relationship. And the obvious amend would be for him to prove that he has a coping mechanism that’s less selfish, and that’s not detrimental.

Once he does that and he proves it, time will heal all wounds.. at least you will have some reassurance.

In the past 3 years, has he been through similar type of stress?? How did he cope ?

You are miles ahead of me. I do not understand how a baby coming into the world and a wedding being planned can stress the DH so much to the point of him doing exactly Whats required to make things worse for himself.

Escapism?

Does he struggle with expressing his emotions? And deal with problems with avoidance ??

Does he have form of lying to u?

I don’t mean to be ungrateful but I’m really only looking for advice as to how to move on - preferably from those that have managed - I know some people can’t but I really want to.

You might wait a long time for replies then .

but most days I hope he will crash his car and die on the way home from work

@RamIt Thank you for typing that, I feel exactly the same way, he would start talking about some shit or other that happened at work and I would sit there with a cup of coffee wondering how many times I would have to hit him with the mug to smash his brains in, and get him to shut the fuck up. I felt very isolated and scared that I felt that way, but it is good to know that others have experienced it too, feels "normal" somehow.

OP to answer your question as to how to get over his affair, I found blaming myself and denial worked great in the beginning. In fact it worked so great I ended up on sleeping tablets, anti depressants and was diagnosed with PTSD, so good luck with that.

Sorry, OP. We don’t always get what we want. I can’t tell you how to forgive- well, I probably could but I won’t.
You need to get rid. Leave, or throw him out. Today.

Stress can make men have affairs? Sex makes men have affairs. Just.

I think your instincts are screaming at you that there is a problem threatening your future happiness. It’s not your fault for being floored with tears..

I think you owe yourself some justice by not forcing yourself to neglect those instincts.

It’s up to you if you want to move on by leaving him or by “working at it together”.

But whatever you choose, you need to make sure the solution isn’t to brush off your legitimate lack of trust of his coping mechanism. You need to tackle it.

You need to not confuse understanding the behaviour with justifying it.. your lack of trust is the natural consequence to his behaviour and it is him who has to make amends... and him who has to wait until you feel better..

And YOU have to be honest about how you feel.. and what you need to be able to feel better.

For many of us, we need an end to the marriage. For others, they need to be able to get support from surrounding which does include his reputation being compromised, while he works on making amends to how he respects the relationship.

Whatever it is... your first question is:

“What do I need?? For me to be able to trust him again??”

“What amends does he need to do to earn back my trust? How can he prove that he is serious”

Counselling is good. But not enough. It’s just a start

I’d forgive a kiss, even a one night stand but a 4 month affair takes premeditation, calculation, deception. In my opinion there is no coming back from that.

Why the hell would you want to?

Stress doesn’t make men have affairs
Men do, he made a choice to have sex numerous times with another woman whilst you were pregnant then at home with his newborn. What kind of man does that?
Then he went ahead and married you knowing what he’d done. I’d feel like my vows meant nothing. And physically couldn’t let a man who’d done that anywhere near me goodness knows what std etc he could’ve picked up and certainly wouldn’t believe it was a one off. And I’d also never be able to trust someone who could betray me at my most vulnerable.

Why would you want to? I’d not be able to be civil to him so not sure how you’re coping. Sad for your child and you but I guess if you try to move on and forgive you’ll need to let him know you’ll be watching him closely and he needs to step up massively to alleviate your worries and insecurities. Sorry for you OP I hope it works out if you do choose to stay as it’s not your fault I know couldn’t cope when my ex cheated and he kept doing it because he thought he’d got away with it.

I think the fact that 1. it was soooo short 2. it ended is a very good sign for you.

If the last 3 years have been good, then he clearly wants you and put it behind him. I was discussing this with a clinical psychologist and he was saying that an ended affair is the one lie a person MUST keep. Why? Because trying to offload his guilt in honesty causes so much devastation it is just not worth it. And I agree with that. End the affair and resolve to be a better person going forward.

Feel the pain (it hurts like nothing else on earth) and just live one day at a time. Cry hard and keep on swimming. That is my genuine advice to you.

ramit I actually laughed when you said that about a car crash because it’s how I feel too and it’s so good to know I’m not alone. I often feel it would have been better to grieve his death rather than grieve for the husband I thought he was.

Op, forgiveness is really hard and it is still really early days for you. I’m almost 2 years in and haven’t yet managed to forgive so I don’t have any wise words about forgiveness.
But please allow yourself time to feel what you need to feel. You may still be in shock and there’s likely lots more emotions before you get to acceptance.
Everything I’ve read about forgiveness says it’s for you rather than him. And forgiveness is different to reconciliation so just because you forgive doesn’t mean your marriage will work.
If you stay with him he needs to really look at his behaviour and why he gave himself permission to cheat and lie. Stressed isn’t good enough as what happens next time he’s stressed? He really needs to understand how to not make it happen again. And then you need to decide whether you can trust him.

Things are never the same after an affair but I do hope you find peace one way or another.

So the stress of what should have been the two most happiest moments of his life turned to have sex with someone else.

Your marriage won’t be the same again, even years from now.

I think there are some men too who have seen their mothers and grandmothers accept and carry on , forgetting I think that women to some extent have changed and often have more options. We don’t just feel’oh well’