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Original poster

Dating: He keeps talking about his ex.

56 replies

AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 11:01

Hi; just need some advice since im not sure i overreacted last night.
Been seeing each other for 3 weeks and we click very well. We're in our early 20s and both been in previous 3-year relatiomships. Mine finished last year, his 2 years ago.

I love spending time with him and conversation just flows and we've both discussed how we can imagine things developing further. We are exclusive.

But he keeps speaking about his ex from 2 years ago. I didnt mind this at first since it's interesting to hear stories about his life before me and he asks me questions too.
He's told me about how she was manipulative and his parents didnt like her but that they also got on great and had a great time together.

But last night, we went for a night away and i started to feel bothered by her being brought up again.

This time, we were being a bit playful, and something was said and as a joke i responded back laughing 'do you think you'll fall in love with me' and we were both joking saying it's way too early for that.

I then turned to my side to relax and he said
"Did you love your ex?"
And i said (confused-like)
"Ermmmm yeah"
And he goes
"I really did love my ex"

And i literally just sighed and felt myself go a bit down. He then continued to "joke" how hmaybe his ex will be out this weekend. And maybe he could introduce us.
He wasnt being serious with this (he was serious with the love comment) but it still hurt.
He noticed i went quiet so i didnt want to beat around the bush and told him how it felt like he brought up the loving my ex thing so he had a reason to tell me how much he loved his ex. And I told him I don't think we should speak too much about exes anymore.

I dont mind hearing his stories since i understand she'll be in them just like my ex will be in many of mine since they were a big part of our lives. But little comments like that seem to take it too far.

He said he felt bad that he's sorry but he was just joking and took it too far.
I said sorry for getting a bit serious and that i just felt a jealous pang.

We were fine the rest of the night and we were great this morning.
I've come home and i'm just worried of scaring him away as it's only been 3 weeks but this is our first misunderstanding and serious talk, but it was all just getting to me that i felt i had to say something :(
We didnt argue, just spoke and it was obvious i was a bit taken aback.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/08/2019 11:04

Try changing the subject every time he mentions her.

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 11:07

Btw we've seen each other almost everyday these past 3 weeks

OP posts:
WorldOfPhoebe · 02/08/2019 11:21

I actually think you handled it really well. No blazing row or huge disagreement. Discussed like adults, apologies made, so now you carry on.

Don't dwell on it OP. It's just an issue you've tackled, and tackled well. Can only help make that foundation stronger for what's to come.

miniaturelocomotive · 02/08/2019 11:32

I agree that I think you handled this well. You were honest that it bothered you and he equally reacted well, apologised and you moved on.

It could be that he is a bit cautious about being in a relationship again because he loved his ex and it hurt for it to end (I obviously don't know the reason for the relationship ending).

Just see how things go and try not to dwell on it.

PicsInRed · 02/08/2019 11:42

You've only been together 3 weeks and you've spend almost every day together, already gone away together and he's telling you how much he loved his ex from 2 YEARS ago?

It all seems a bit of a curious combination of fast forward, lovebombing, ambivalence and "a woman, any woman, quick!". Has his ex recently got engaged, married, pregnant or a combination? Or maybe a young family member or friends are suddenly all settling down...and he's feeling left behind?

This one's not a keeper, OP.

Extract yourself before you wreck yourself find yourself "accidentally" pregnant.

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 11:42

Thank you for responding Smile
I think a part of me is just a bit worried whether he's actually over her and whether if she randomly came back into his life, would he take her back in an instance,
He showed me what she looked like the other week after he asked me if i wanted to see, and I said okay, and she is a really pretty girl so yeah probably just me feeling a bit insecure but hopefully this will pass!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 11:46

@PicsinRed that's what im.worried about and I've read about.lovebombing here on facebook.
He's told me how he hasnt felt this way about anyone since his ex, and he's introduced me to his parents,

He has also been a serial dater in those 2 years. He's told me loads of stories of different dates he's been on and nightouts where he's kissed girls. Whereas im opposite to this, and never really been a big dater.
He also told.me how he finds himself bored after a month sometimes. He was with another girl for 2 months but broke up with her in January because he felt no connection with her and they had nothing to talk about but he says he feels a strong connection with me.

I am happy and I hope he's sincere, it's literally the ex thing that's giving me doubts.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 11:48

And i dont know much about his ex apart from that she led to him falling out with his dad (but him and his dad are fine now),and his mum really dislikes her

OP posts:
Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 11:48

Not facebook, mumsnet!

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 11:52

How odd showing you pics of an ex from 2 years ago. He doesn’t sound very nice, I’d not be impressed, yes we all have ex’s but banging on as much as him especially with someone new. Not a keeper for me.

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 12:05

Thanks ♡ it's nice to know i wasnt just crazy in thinking he goes on about it too much!

OP posts:
rosabug · 02/08/2019 12:05

He's using "the ex" to maintain distance. It may be unconscious but he's keeping you in a specific place, at a distance and injecting uncertainty (thereby control on his side) into your side of things with him. You handled the issue well, but this drive may manifest itself in other ways. Also letting you know that he becomes bored after a month with past girls etc is another form of distance and control management, putting you in the position of wanting to the one who is treated differently- special (again largely unconscious). This man is more damaged and less trustworthy/trusting than you think. I would tread carefully. And don't make the mistake of thinking talk and communication will solve the issue - it won't.

Just be aware of what you are feeling and if it isn't good - get out. Unfortunately there is a lot of this about - male and female - but I think men are more prone to this than women. It's about power, not trust - remember that. It's likely that the ex had the power balance in the past relationship. A lot of people mistake power balances for love. True trust is a rare commodity.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/08/2019 12:10

I don’t think it’s a positive relationship to pursue. He’s ambivalent and still hung up on his ex, or at the very least reflecting on how it felt with her in comparison to you.

The ‘joke’ about meeting up with her wasn’t funny at all and may have come from a simple desire to see her again, or try to make her jealous.

You hardly know this bloke. Take a big step back.

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 12:12

I feel a bit confused now; i want his intentions to be genuine :(
I know his friends and he's told them how much he likes me; if it werent for this ex thing, i wouldnt have doubts at all

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 02/08/2019 12:14

The fact that he's dated loads since the breakup and is still hung up on this particular ex is a really bad sign.

You're potentially dealing with a man who has put the ex on a pedestal from which she can never fall unless they actually get back together and have to deal with the pressures of life.

Here's one woman who stuck it out with one of these and just see how she was rewarded for her efforts.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3645833-Everyone-who-said-DH-would-leave-and-have-a-baby-with-her-was-right

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 12:15

I was thinking that when he said about meeting her last night and I almost made a spiteful remark of
'Well you clearly want to see her"

I just dont understand since my breakup is more recent than his and yes ive told him the odd story and memory, but I've.never thought about making jokes about them meeting etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 12:16

They're not friends on facebook or in contact but i did read that threads and I do wonder if she added him back and started messaging him whether he'd respond

OP posts:
ralphfromlordoftheflies · 02/08/2019 12:19

I wouldn't pursue this any further.

Roussette · 02/08/2019 12:27

I do wonder if she added him back and started messaging him whether he'd respond

Of course he would! Sorry to say this but he would. Otherwise why mention her?? He's already comparing and trying to recreate something he had with her... with you.

I don't mean this to be harsh but I would honestly be pulling him on it. Or just walk away because he's not over it.

GoGoGoGoGo · 02/08/2019 12:29

It all seems a bit too intense for something that’s only been 3 weeks.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about his ex. It sounds like he isn’t over her and I would be asking after two years, why not? It sounds like he’s got her on a pedestal and I’m not sure I would be bothered trying to compete with that.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 02/08/2019 12:30

It was two years ago. He really shouldn’t be talking about her like this now. Definitely would be ringing alarm bells for me.

sheshootssheimplores · 02/08/2019 12:39

I wouldn’t like this at all OP. I also would be very concerned that if you and he got together seriously and perhaps moved in together or even got engaged, she might reappear (as many exes do) and suddenly all bets are off.

happybunny007 · 02/08/2019 12:42

i'm just worried of scaring him away

Don’t be. You handled it fine. This all doesn’t sound right for 3 weeks in.

1forAll74 · 02/08/2019 12:43

It sounds as though you are a little love struck,even after such a short time with this man. If you really wan't to stay with him, you will just have to see how things go regarding talking about his ex, like get the measure of him so to speak. He sounds like he is in a bit of a dream world,and maybe can't stick with one thing at the moment.

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 12:48

It sounds like most people are saying alarm bells should be ringing;
Maybe i am a bit love strucked,
Conversation with him his just so easy and i enjoy his company;
Just dont want my time wasted

OP posts: