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Original poster

Dating: He keeps talking about his ex.

56 replies

AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 11:01

Hi; just need some advice since im not sure i overreacted last night.
Been seeing each other for 3 weeks and we click very well. We're in our early 20s and both been in previous 3-year relatiomships. Mine finished last year, his 2 years ago.

I love spending time with him and conversation just flows and we've both discussed how we can imagine things developing further. We are exclusive.

But he keeps speaking about his ex from 2 years ago. I didnt mind this at first since it's interesting to hear stories about his life before me and he asks me questions too.
He's told me about how she was manipulative and his parents didnt like her but that they also got on great and had a great time together.

But last night, we went for a night away and i started to feel bothered by her being brought up again.

This time, we were being a bit playful, and something was said and as a joke i responded back laughing 'do you think you'll fall in love with me' and we were both joking saying it's way too early for that.

I then turned to my side to relax and he said
"Did you love your ex?"
And i said (confused-like)
"Ermmmm yeah"
And he goes
"I really did love my ex"

And i literally just sighed and felt myself go a bit down. He then continued to "joke" how hmaybe his ex will be out this weekend. And maybe he could introduce us.
He wasnt being serious with this (he was serious with the love comment) but it still hurt.
He noticed i went quiet so i didnt want to beat around the bush and told him how it felt like he brought up the loving my ex thing so he had a reason to tell me how much he loved his ex. And I told him I don't think we should speak too much about exes anymore.

I dont mind hearing his stories since i understand she'll be in them just like my ex will be in many of mine since they were a big part of our lives. But little comments like that seem to take it too far.

He said he felt bad that he's sorry but he was just joking and took it too far.
I said sorry for getting a bit serious and that i just felt a jealous pang.

We were fine the rest of the night and we were great this morning.
I've come home and i'm just worried of scaring him away as it's only been 3 weeks but this is our first misunderstanding and serious talk, but it was all just getting to me that i felt i had to say something :(
We didnt argue, just spoke and it was obvious i was a bit taken aback.

OP posts:
Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 02/08/2019 12:53

Did she end the relationship do you know? If it feels like he's not moved forward or got over her after 2 years i'd be very wary of getting involved too deeply. I wouldnt like to be a second best "just for now" girlfriend whilst he's secretly hoping she returns.

SteelMagnolia1 · 02/08/2019 12:59

Honestly? I’d throw this one back, OP. There is absolutely no need for him to be going into that level of detail about his ex especially if they broke up two years ago.

Talking about her constantly is a clear sign he’s not over her. I might be projecting here but I’ve been in a very similar situation to you and it didn’t end well. Long story short, he was always mentioning his ex (they’d split up 3 years prior) but reassured me he was over her, that he loved me etc...six months down the line, she decided she wanted him back and I didn’t see him for dust. I should have listened to my gut as I always felt like something was off but you live and learn.

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 13:06

I'm not sure who ended it;
These are not the answers i wanted to hear but i suppose.sometimes we need.to hear the hard truth,
According to him i am his 'girlfriend' so it's.all very confusing

OP posts:
Pretendapony · 02/08/2019 13:13

He sounds obsessed. He doesn’t sound a catch OP! I’d get out of there ASAP.

lifebegins50 · 02/08/2019 13:59

A few things ring alarm bells - it all seems very intense for 3 weeks, his description of his ex as manipulative and his intensity about her.

His ex may have been manipulative but to mention it so early on rings bells with ExH. He described his Ex like this and I shut it down as just felt uncomfortable hearing it. Predictably he is now smearing me in a similar way. He believes anyone who tries to get their needs met as manipulative and he is always the victim.

The fact that you are posting on a forum is a warning sign. It really isn't typical to do this and I suspect your subconscious/instinct is warning you.

Remember you don't know him yet. His true character will take a while to emerge.

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 14:06

@lifebegins50 i did feel a bit counsellor-like on the first date. He brought up the problems they had and what she did, and it was just me going "aww that's not good", "oh no really",
I understand we all have a past so i dont mind hearing about exes per say,

He excuses it as him just feeling so comfortable around me already to speak to me about this sort of stuff,
And when i mention that he's speaking about his ex or anither girl, he says that i speak about my ex but that's only because he asks me or it's in response to something he said about his,
I dont know, i felt great about it all up until last night!
Perhaps we should slow it down a bit

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 02/08/2019 14:44

Have a think about whether you are a "fixer" and whether this guy senses this in you.

You really don't want to be wasting your time trying to fix a bunch of broken men.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2019 14:52

Even on his first date with you he talked about her all the time?

What made you want to see him again?

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 14:58

Because the rest of the date was fine, it was on the drive home he brought her up so i looked past it thinking maybe he was just making conversation Hmm

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2019 15:17

I think the fact that youve already been googling love bombing speaks wonders tbh. And it does sound a bit too full on.

Also might be worth googling 'narcissistic triangulation' just because he could be bringing her up to be the 'one that got away' that he will continue to harp on about and make you feel like you can't measure up. The fact that he has already shown you a pretty picture of her might be a clue as to a plan to start that. What ultimately happens is they begin comparing you to the ex...in the beginning it may be favorably, but as time progresses the reverse may occur.

'Future faking' might also be worth googling too.

user1479305498 · 02/08/2019 15:31

Was he with her for quite a long time OP , because it may be the only relationship he feels was of any substance and hence why he brings it up. When I met my H he used to mention 2 women quite a bit and I realised it was the only 2 proper relationships he had and hence when he said ‘oh I went to the xxx with xxx’ it was simply a casual comment, not that he was fixated on them. I personally would just see how it goes, he doesn’t sound an arse, so he may drop this off if he gets to know you more.

RRJR · 02/08/2019 15:37

He’s not over her

ChristmasFluff · 02/08/2019 16:27

Love bombing, intensity (so easy to mistake for intimacy), triangulation (because if it is 2 years on, he's literally just using her as a way to get you to step up to the plate) - and even wishing he could triangulate in person?!

It would be a NO from me.

You do know he'll mention her in his wedding speech, yeah?

crimsonlake · 02/08/2019 16:32

It is obvious he is not over her and he is so comfortable with you he feels he can discuss her, I think you are going in to friend's territory.
It is a sure sign when somebody keeps bringing an ex up that he is thinking about her. You must see that.

Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 16:45

Time to show him the 🚪

Scorpiovenus · 02/08/2019 16:50

LOL id try changing subject once, then I would ask him why he felt the need to talk about his ex, and if he still carries on leave as the man isn't over his ex. It never ends well I must have allowed this situation maybe 6 times in total out of all of them in my life time and yea, always wasted time so bin them off without a comment if he keeps doing it.

Its sad and disrespectful to the person you are dating after they have made the effort to come out on dates to go on about some drippy ex. Its rude.

jelly79 · 02/08/2019 17:11

You've told him so see how he reacts now. Sounds like you like him so worth seeing how he is now? All a bit intense for 3 weeks, a night away , seeing him so often and you have met his parents. I'd slow down a bit

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 17:15

His talk of exes etc is rude and inconsiderate to say the least.

Seeing each other so frequently etc is OTT.

Asking him if he thought he might fall in love with you - even “jokingly” was odd on your part.

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 17:15

Meeting the parents so soon also OTT

Aroundtheworldandback · 02/08/2019 17:16

I wasn’t over my ex when I met dh. Perhaps that wasn’t fair to him at the time but we are now happily married and I feel more for a plank of wood than I do that ex now.

M0RVEN · 02/08/2019 17:19

Quite a few red flags here @AmICrazyCrazy

Pinespow · 02/08/2019 17:58

3 weeks!!!

I'm sorry to say but I think you're a distraction to him... No one has that much intimacy at 3 weeks. And why is he calling you his girlfriend? You've known each other less than one month.

It will be a dramatic relationship with him calling the shots, hot and cold behaviour and multiple on off again periods.

Call it off is my advice

Original poster
AmICrazyCrazy · 02/08/2019 18:00

I dont think it's OTT seeing each other a lot; we like each other a lot and the same happrned with my previous partner and we ended up together for many years

OP posts:
Pinespow · 02/08/2019 18:04

Yes but you're previous relationship was when you were a teenager. It's immature to have no life outside your partner. It's too much of a good thing too soon

Malvinaa81 · 02/08/2019 18:06

Run for the hills!

You are being lined up as a pale replacement for her, and will never measure up.

You are yourself not her.

It's not actually his fault. He's not over it and won't be anytime soon.

So choose your role as Barbie Doll Mark II or gently get rid of him, which will hurt as you both sound decent and kind.

Others can see more clearly than you.

And you're half way there, because you asked.

All the best!

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