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Original poster

Do men settle?

65 replies

toffeeapple123 · 01/08/2019 13:20

What’s your experience?

OP posts:
Cupoftea7 · 01/08/2019 13:22

I did. Went safety first after a volatile relationship. It’s been ok but the ooomph is missing!

Kitty1184 · 01/08/2019 13:24

I think (not all) men find it difficult to be alone, and as a result (not all) men do indeed settle to avoid that.

pikapikachu · 01/08/2019 13:25

Of course some do.
They may be under family pressure to pick their partner based on their head rather than heart.
They may want a child so pick a partner based on suitability as mother of their child.

When relationships break down men usually move out so it's easier to keep the wife at home while having an affair rather than break up with wife then pursue new woman.

When relationships break down men often become NRP or have heard horror stories about courts favoring women so will stay longer than healthy in relationships with the mother of their child.

Bunglefromrainbow · 01/08/2019 13:25

God Yes.
Source: Am a man.

BogglesGoggles · 01/08/2019 13:27

Yes, I know quite a few who have really obviously settled. One person of the trip has to.

PhillyLift · 01/08/2019 14:08

Yes. I know of a couple of men who did. One is fairly unhappily married and won't leave because of the kids. The other acted like a total arse to his then-wife for many years until she finally gave up and divorced him.

notacooldad · 01/08/2019 14:13

What do you mean by 'settle'?
Settle down?
Settle for anyone rather than no one?

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/08/2019 14:15

I think many people settle: men and women. And some of us just won't.

I'm happy: really happy but ..... would I be even happier if I did 'settle'? And that is the 64,000 dollar question. Who knows?

Iamthewombat · 01/08/2019 14:21

Yes. I subscribe to the ‘musical chairs’ theory with some (not all) men. When the music stops they panic and do the same as everybody else in their peer group.

One male friend married at the age of 45, to a woman he’d been seeing for a while and who, he’d informed us several times, he didn’t like all that much. However, she wanted to be married, she wanted children and so did he, she hated her job and he had plenty of cash. They aren’t happy, but they have a lovely kid.

I think it is sadder when men marry too young because, variously, all their mates are settling down/ they want to buy a house with somebody/ they think that ‘all the good ones will be gone’/ they have a life plan, drafted at age 20, which includes having children before they are 30 because that’s what their parents did.

Of course, the cunning ones don’t get married. They string the settled-for woman along, perhaps having kids, whilst they wait for something better to come along.

I’m a woman, and I don’t speak from first hand experience. I made very sure that neither I nor my husband settled, and I was clear that I wouldn’t live with anybody unless I was married to him. Why take the risk of being settled for by somebody lazy?

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 14:45

Why would anyone settle?

I don’t understand! Confused

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2019 15:19

People of both sexes settle and yes, I know several men who have. Not always necessarily actively or deviously - a couple of friends have spoken about being in a relationship, not really being sure their partner is their forever woman, but also knowing she’s a lovely person who will make a good mother to their children and ultimately not knowing whether the grass really is greener or not.

I think with men we tend to dismiss it as “men just want someone to do the housework” or “men aren’t able to be alone”, and it’s possibly true for some of them, but in reality most men have similar fears and anxieties as women about finding “the one”.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/08/2019 15:31

I don’t understand!

Really???? I guess because not everyone finds their ideal but there aren't that many people who enjoy being alone.

I'm a solitary being when I'm not working, so singeldom suits. But that doesn't work for everyone.

Littledryad · 01/08/2019 15:36

The question is ambiguous. People seem to be answering in 2 different ways. Do you mean settle DOWN or settle FOR?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2019 15:36

I don’t understand!

I didn't settle and I can understand.

SimonJT · 01/08/2019 15:38

I would never stay in a relationship to just settle, I don’t think it’s a female or male issue, I just think some people can’t cope being alone or don’t think they deserve to have more from a partner.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 01/08/2019 15:38

Some men do.
A few I know definitely did.

Craiglang · 01/08/2019 15:45

My DH settled. And he's spent our entire 10 year marriage looking for other options but not having the balls to actually leave. I settled in a panic for someone who didn't like me as much as I liked him and I've spent our entire 10 year marriage trying to make myself good enough for him which is pointless. Three kids down the road and I've realised just how stupid we both were and still are.

Don't settle. it's not worth it, trust me.

TemporaryPermanent · 01/08/2019 15:56

Yes.

In my experience it's actually more common among men than women. Or else men regard 'willing to have sex with me' as such a positive they will overlook significant incompatibilities.

NameChangeNugget · 01/08/2019 16:06

If they find someone who’s low maintenance & has a similar sex drive I think they stop looking elsewhere.

howdyalikemenow · 01/08/2019 16:13

I settled in my marriage for a lot of complicated reasons. I suspect my husband settled for me.

Luckily we are no longer together.

WatchOutForTheHobgoblin · 01/08/2019 17:10

I'm single.

I was always told that no one would want me and men don't fall in love with women like me - they settle for us when they realise they can't get the girl they really want.

I'm 45 now. I have been married and have two children but, it's true, no one has ever loved me and my ex husband did settle. It was miserable for both of us.

So I stay single.

WatchOutForTheHobgoblin · 01/08/2019 17:13

Oh so I meant to say, yes, men do settle but it does not make for a happy union!

yourestandingonmyneck · 01/08/2019 17:17

The question is ambiguous. People seem to be answering in 2 different ways. Do you mean settle DOWN or settle FOR?

Is it? Confused I read it as "settle / settle for" and that's what all the replies seem to answering too.

And yes, of course men settle. Some people do, some people don't, but I don't think it is divisive by sex.

I also don't think it means that they necessarily stop looking for something better.....I think that is just in some people's nature, whether married or not.

WatchOutForTheHobgoblin · 01/08/2019 17:18

Do you mean settle DOWN or settle FOR?

It's not ambiguous at all.

Settling down is desirable settling for is not.

Settling means settling for not settling down.

notacooldad · 01/08/2019 17:25

It's not ambiguous at all

Settling down is desirable settling for is not

Settling means settling for not settling down
Tbh I thought it was about settling down. I also asked the question early on but seeing the OP hasn't come back ( unless there has been a name change throughout the thread) I'm no wiser.

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