Do men settle?

[toffeeapple123]

What’s your experience?

The thing is when I think back to those dramatic and exciting relationships of my youth I don't remember 'passion' and 'chemistry' all I remember is the sheer anxiety of them. Knowing they weren't going to last for ever.
When I met my DH I just breathed out. I wonder if from the outside we look like we 'settled' for each other as we are really affectionate but not really outwardly demonstrative and showy with each other. But for both of us, we're the kind of people that need to feel safe before we can allow ourselves to get swept away on feelings. We've been together 20 years now and yes life settles you into patterns, but every now and then (especially when I see him in a moment say at work, or out of usual context) I have that lovely moment of thinking 'ooh I would!'.
I guess my point is what we're spun such a tale that passion and love is always tumultuous and a struggle isn't always true. Not for everyone, depending on how you love.

I’ve read the thread as being about settling for a partner you don’t love rather than being alone.

I agree with the idea that it’s probably more about a type of personality rather than a male /female issue. I think my DH would be lonely living alone whereas I’m naturally more solitary.

I think there is a real immaturity around though about ‘true love’ and finding ‘the one’
Long marriages involve huge changes like work pressures or depression, disability or bereavement, financial issues and that fundamental thing of people changing as they age.
I’m married 30 years soon and I love my husband dearly but there have been moments of stress where we could have turned away from each other. At that point the thing we have built together, the commitments we made and frankly the havoc of separating got us through those months.
When I talk to friends in long term relationships an honesty about the fact that your feelings shift is a positive bonus. To have to pretend that you just endless look at each other with longing always strikes me as a symptom of needing to convince yourself that everything is ok and your perfect love isn’t just like everyone else’s and that must be a huge pressure.
My DH is bloody lovely and a great dad and I’m incredibly lucky that we got through tough times but I still go out sometimes because he’s getting on my tits.
The correlation between loved up social media posts and creaking relationships is real and recognising that at times two people can care deeply about each other without it being loves young dream may be a way to much more realistic and more longer lasting happiness

I think you can tell when someone (not just men, but they do seem to do it more often) has settled than when they havent. There is no effort really, once the ring is on the finger or the bun in the oven. But when there is genuine adoration there, you can spot it a mile away.

I should add that I've had both and there is nothing more soul destroying that realising that the person you are with is only there because you are the first one that said yes. Usually these are the ones who say "You look fine" without looking at you if you ask how you look or say "yeah, course....." without meaning it when you ask if they love you. :(

Not making an effort is not the same as settling. There are plenty of people who are lazy in relationships without thinking they’ve settled.

Tatiana, I think the end result is still the same though. Those who don't make an effort often end up with the same relationship dynamics as those who settled in the first place! Completely taking each other for granted, resentment building up, passion and lust going. They certainly don't act like they won the jackpot or are with their first choice partner or love of their life. If they did then they'd put more effort in!

@toffeeapple123 - are you going to come back and explain what you are asking ?

I went the other way and stayed single for most of my adult life. Maybe I'm delusional. I feel I've never found anybody good enough and my bar wasn't that high

Thats me too. The few I really wanted when I was in my 20s and 30s, didn't feel the same way about me. Or it could have been I didn't know (or want to know) how to "get" them (they all went on to get married).

By 'get' them I mean the ultimate commitment - of marriage. I also think I was brought up in a different way - not the usual family values, a bit rootless and classless etc. So it didn't even cross my mind to 'marry' someone, and even to this day I am genuinely surprised when I meet a married couple.

I know people think I settled. I could objectively have done “better” for myself and still get a lot of attention now I’m older and married but dh is a kind, hardworking if quite ordinary man who makes my life easy and would never treat me badly. I had a horrible childhood and just wanted to feel safe. The kind of ott men who try it sometimes even now just look like a bad idea to me, I’m perfectly happy. I’m sure there are men out there like me who didn’t aim for the movie star in the first place because they wanted different things. Sometimes Its not obvious from the outside what’s going on on the inside.

@landscapingtrees, yeh, anybody I could have seen myself with must have felt a bit stifled under the spotlight of my certainty about them, I think........ {not sure}

I agree, both men and women settle for a multitude of reasons tbh. Some have no other options and some want the safety and security element. My brother used to always make jibes about one of his friends settling as his wife wasn’t a looker. He failed to notice that said friend was of equal attractiveness to his wife so likely didn’t settle, he found a perfect match! My brother on the hand went from woman to woman with a trail of failed relationships. Got to 38 and realised that he was the only man left on the shelf! He quite quickly met and married someone who was the complete opposite of what he would normally go for! She is a lovely woman and very homely! I think he made the right choice in marrying her but some might say he ‘settled’!

I think there was an episode of sex and the city yonks ago where they were talking about why men don't commit for years with one woman then suddenly marry another and they came up with the analogy of men being like taxis. Lights off most of their life (just shagging around), then suddenly light flicks on and if you meet them just for that short window they marry you. I'm sure it applies to women as well but mostly in my experience, it's the women I know lamenting years of refusing to commit then the ex suddenly getting married after 6 months to new girlfriend. Suspect in many cases they just thought 'she seems okay and it's time'. So yes I think lots of men settle when they deem it's 'time'.

I think there's settling and settling. Marrying someone because they are a kind, decent person, you have respect for them, and you want to create a safe and happy family home is as good a reason to marry as any, really. But marrying someone because you're afraid of being alone - that isn't going to work out.

I've been very lucky. I had all the chemistry and passion with DH at the start, but in hindsight, if he'd been a prick, I would have been fucked because for a variety of reasons I was in a vulnerable position at the time. As the years have gone by, I feel that our love has turned into something deeper and more enduring. I couldn't imagine life without him, he is the one for me. But what has caused our love to become stronger over the years wasn't the sex and passion of the early days, it was watching him with our children, watching him make sacrifices for our family, having him help me when I was struggling. That's nothing to do with how much I wanted to shag him when we first met, though conversely, his kindness and reliability over the years now makes me want to shag him more than ever so yes, it's a funny one really.

'Settling' isn't about marrying someone who isn't gorgeous or doesn't have money. And it's not about compromising. If you truly love someone, you haven't settled.

'Settling' for someone is about marrying someone you know you don't love; don't find particularly attractive; and don't fancy because you feel that you ought to be with someone and now you've reached X age or want a baby or all your friends are marrying or your parents are putting pressure on you - basically, it's being with someone for all the wrong reasons.

If you are with someone because they are kind and you respect each other and love each other and have shared goals etc, you are not settling.