Do men settle?

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What’s your experience?

As a female settler, I presume men do too. It's not a gender issue, more of an age thing. When you get to 30, you want marriage & kids, you may prefer to go with your head, rather than your heart.

My husband is a good man, he's an amazing dad and he takes care of our family very well. He's attractive and funny, I just don't have that 'spark' I did for a guy I was head over heels with over a decade ago. I doubt I'll ever find it again.
I do love and care for him, it's just a slightly different feeling.

Of course we do. Love of my life made it clear I wasn't in the running so I looked elsewhere.

Some do. Some don't have much choice of a partner, for various reasons. Some get to a certain age and panic and marry anyone vaguely suitable. They then spend the rest of their lives feeling something is missing.

Only a lucky few get to marry the person who can still make their hearts beat faster, even after years of being together. Someone you feel passionate about, not someone you're just compatible with. I feel like that about DH and thank God I know he feels that way about me.

Definitely. As do some women. It’s really unfair but it happens.

I find that men do it following the volatile breakdown of a true-love relationship (they look for Miss Steady as antidote) and women do it in order not to be single. Just my observation.

There was a thread on here recently about a woman who was going to give up a secure council tenancy in order to be near a man who was not that into her (but pretending otherwise).

I feel the same as Idea86 about my partner, loving/kind/attentive guy who will do anything for me & my family.

He lacks what I had with a bad boy a few years ago but I am happy with him - he give me no reasons to not trust him etc, whereas the bad guy is still treating women badly

I rather be alone than settle!

Women have to be pickier than men. They invest more biologically. They need to find someone who isn't abusive and is a good Dad. Generally women rarely walk out on their own children and are less likely to be physically abusive so men are more likely to just settle with whoever they are with when they decide to have kids. Women spend their 20s and 30s searching for Mr Right. Men are happy with Mrs Right Now when they reach baby making age.

Yep, I settled. I was 33 and it was pretty much my first proper relationship (and by that I'm not saying that I'd had loads of improper relationships beforehand... I wish 🙃... it was down to my social awkwardness and simply not being confident enough to get into dating in my 20s.)

By 33 I was just counting my blessings that someone... anyone!!... was prepared to spend their life with me and was fully conscious that my previous track record might mean that there weren't likely to be many future opportunities.

And, of course, we are no longer together although we managed thirteen years. The last few of which were not particularly pleasant for either of us - no abuse but plenty of arguments. I think we were both scratching at the walls looking for an escape route for years! And we get on so much better now we are apart.

Looking back, there's every chance my ex settled too. As many have previously said, this is another question you can't simply start with the words "why do men...."

Would I settle again? Maybe, on the off-chance I might strike lucky with someone I'm far better suited with. I'm 50 now, what's there to lose?

I know quite a few men who settled.

One was in a volatile and passionate relationship for a few years where he really loved the girl, and she was unfaithful in the end, they split. He started dating a woman who absolutely adored him, you could clearly see she felt enormously lucky that he even looked her way. He liked her and appreciated her, but never adored her.

They are married now and she still visibly works so so hard to be the perfect wife for him. He is nice enough but you can tell his heart isn't particularly in it. If he met a woman who tugged his heartstrings he'd be unfaithful in the bat of an eye, I'm sure. But he feels safe and secure with this lady and is, I think, still licking his wounds re his ex, so that's what he needs.

Same with another chap I know. Was dumped by his uni gf / love of his life when he was almost 30, he panicked and proposed to the next girl within 8 months of meeting her, married within 18 months. He's now earnestly checking boxes with her but you can sort of tell he is running out of adrenalin and may soon realise his error.

I can think of a few more men, probably 50% of the men in couples that I know, who probably married for musical chairs reasons as described above. Everyone starts having weddings and then babies and some men feel they need to give their partner "their turn" etc.

My ex never liked me much but I wanted to shag him and was a pretty girl, so he talked himself into marrying me, which is definitely a type of settling.

It happens all the time.

Marriage has only recently become something that we turn to for romance and personal fulfilment, after all. Up until very recently, there was one kind of marriage, and it's what we now call "settling".

It is an incomplete sentence.

Settle what ?

Both men and women settle..... women I suspect because they feel they’re getting older and fear they won’t find someone suitable to have children or feel it’s the done thing and everyone else around them is settling down. I definitely know people who have settled. One guy has only been married three years and was unfaithful to her prior to getting married ( which his wife discovered ) and has had 2 other relationships since. I suspect he married her because she fitted his image in some way of what he felt his life should look like.

Definitely. I’ve seen it over and over again. Men like safety which sadly in the end doesn’t lead to happiness but leads to them straying.

My DH didnt settle but I know one who did, she was safe, caring and just a really nice lady. He now adores her 20 years on, never strayed but he did in fact find a deeper love for her. Still not fireworks but he genuinely loves her and they have a lovely life.

It wouldn't suit me, I quite like the electric, fireworks type of love ht everyone is different.

I think a huge amount of both sexes settle. Men want a wife to cook, clean, provide sex, companionship and eventually an heir (stereotypical much I know).
Women want companionship and financial security before they start having babies and have the pressure of a ticking biological clock.
I think many people eventually give up on the fairytale relationship of someone who is devastatingly gorgeous, kind, generous, rich and their soul mate because it's bloody hard to find and we now have such high expectations that it makes it harder still. I think more people simply go for someone who is shaggable, they generally get on fairly well with and want similarish things from life which is what marriage basically used to be about until fairly recently.
Sadly life isn't Sleeping Beauty, Cindarella or Shrek and I think the more baggage we begin to carry from previous failed relationships, the harder it is to find someone who makes us go 'Wow!!'. Settling is the easy option.

Most people who aren't beautiful and charismatic have to settle.

I went the other way and stayed single for most of my adult life. Maybe I'm delusional. I feel I've never found anybody good enough and my bar wasn't that high. I'm with somebody now and while he's a clever funny person, he's hopeless in other ways.

It’s not a men VS women thing. Both settle. I see it on here when you hear men acting like their wife is a robot who isn’t functioning as per her manual. Women tend to mention their husband’s good job & stable finances when Describing their partner.

I think more people simply go for someone who is shaggable, they generally get on fairly well with and want similarish things from life which is what marriage basically used to be about until fairly recently.

That's if they were lucky. Arranged marriages have been common in almost every society since pre-history. And even when girls were allowed to select their own husbands they were under immense pressure to marry young, so would've had to pick the best available candidate, even if they weren't that attracted to him.

Exactly Scott. Probably a large percentage of people throughout history would have loved the opportunity to "settle" for a marriage partner who was kind, fair, healthy and stable but wasn't 100% perfect. They didn't even have the chance to choose that.

What the hell is this thread about? Some people answering one way. Some another. Whichever way it's meant it's a bizarre question.

Every answer I've read has been answering the same question. The main (only?) reason why people 'settle for' someone is because they want to 'settle down' but for whatever reason haven't found a suitable partner who they're also head over heels for. So it makes perfect sense that even though the question is about 'settling for', many of the answers will mention 'settling down'.

What does settling really mean?

For some people it means compromising on less than you’d want because you don’t think you’ll get/can’t find any better, for others it’s just being realistic.

RVBY- you could be talking about me in scenario 1.

Must be awful for my wife as she must know.

Anyway we rub along ok. It just lacks passion and when you have had that in spades previously, you miss it!!

What's interesting is if someone reaches 40 without marriage or children, you will often hear people say 'what's wrong with them / why haven't they met someone / why can't they commit' etc

But what if that person just isn't prepared to settle like so many seem to do? Why is it seen as more acceptable to have settled?

It seems strange to me to base your entire life on "chemistry" "passion" and "head over heels in love", which you might never feel, which even if you do might not be reciprocated, and which inevitably fade over time anyhow. And whether or not you feel these emotions is entirely random and beyond your control.