Partner with ADHD, any experiences?

[Shelby43]

Hi,

I recently met someone with ADHD and don't know a lot about it. It's early stages but he has forgotten birthdays, key dates, seems a bit all over the place mentally. I don't know whether to take it personally as he says cares and is happy. A bit emotionally distant. Anyone have any real life experiences they can share?

Dp is ADHD.

Honestly it's not easy. We dont live together. he can be all over the place and once he is stressed he can spiral.

However, he always takes steps to be the beat he can be. eveeything goes on a calander, things are planned out, he makes sure he dowsnt have too much downtime and uses spare time to pursue hobbies. Having nothing to do can cause a spiral.

Theres a huge difference between being with someone who has adhd and does everything they can, to manage it. And someone who has it and just think it's tough and everyone else has to always accommodate them and cant be upset when they do something hurtful.

Dp HAS adhd

Does he work? I know someone with adhd and they could not hold down a job and act on impulse a lot.

@Howdoyousleep he has a very undemanding job and we have a very casual relationship but just wondered about these things which are forgotten, and the emotionally distant things. Not sure whether to take it more personally and walk away

The problem is, that if you look at 10 people with adhd, you will see it present in 10 different ways. There maybe similarities and things in common but not all the same.

As I said it's not always the easiest, relationship but it's certainly not the hardest.

Doesnt he make any attempt to manage his behaviour?

@Wishihad sorry I missed your earlier post. It was really helpful. Yes he does try by thinking carefully before speaking, he is always aware of it and it definitely bothers him a lot. I'm someone who probably needs a lot of reassurance at times but he seems to be in his own world, almost childlike so I do lots for him but don't feel I'm getting much back. But my intuition says, as well as him saying, he cares. I just don't think he knows how to communicate it well. Childlike is the only way I'd describe it.

I have ADHD. Honestly I forget my own birthday.

My partner has adhd, and it's tough. He has strategies in place and tries incredibly hard, but a) it's something you can only manage, not "fix" so he will always struggle with the same things, and b) sometimes it's deeply depressing to me to that "normal" stuff takes so much effort.

The other day I brought up something he'd done (minor and not adhd related) that he'd done, and he got sad and said that he'd "really been trying not to do all the things that annoy me" recently. I knew he meant interrupting me and allowing a conversation to unfold in a give and take way (rather than jumping around all over the place, with him always thinking of something new, and butting in). Which, to be fair, he had really managed to cut down on, and it is now more like 50-50 when we chat. But I had a moment of real misery - in order to have my partner actually pay attention to what I'm saying and let me finish, he has to constantly be trying REALLY HARD. I thought "I want a partner who actually listens cos he is interested in me, not one who is concentrating on not blurting out something about about the history of cinema just so I don't get cross".

DH has (undiagnosed) ADHD. DD has it too. Honestly, its really tough with two of them. She just goes to bed and he starts.

I'm responsible for everything financial, booking holidays, kids appointments etc. He is chaotic and loud. We are lucky that he has a great job as he hyperfocuses on it so he earns a good wage.

Examples are: he'll put on a wash the night before going on holiday (of jeans he was wearing that day so I couldn't wash) so big mad rush to get them dried. He booms rather than talks and if it asked to be quiet he reacts angrily. Is untidy, interrupts tv programmes and misses social cues such as someone not wanting to talk. Has no sense of time management and can be very emotionally detached. He procrastinates so much that he actually convinces himself he's gotten the thing done.

Another thing that's tough is he has internalised a lot of shame about how he is - that he is scatty, thoughtless, rude, annoying, etc. I reassure him that he isn't, but sometimes I feel like a therapist/parent.

Sorry, it's all coming out now because this is anonymous! He is a lovely, kind, wonderful man, but it's difficult and I feel bad for moaning. But it is hard.

What do you do for him?
How did he manage those things before?
Doing things for him won't necessarily help him.
He needs to do these things for himself.
You can help him manage certain things.
You sound like a caring person but and ADHD relationship is not for everyone.
It's tough going.

He procrastinates so much that he actually convinces himself he's gotten the thing done

OMG, this! Yes, I hadn't realised that this was what was going on - medium sized tasks become giant because he faffs around "preparing" or talking about how it's going to happen, rather than doing it. Then weeks will pass and he'll mention how he needs some time at the weekend to get xyz done, and I'll think "hang on, I thought you'd already done that".

Thank you all, this is really insightful stuff.

@hellsbellsmelons we haven't been seeing each other long but I tend to be the one organising dates etc at the moment. He doesn't ask me for help per se, just gets on with things himself.

I guess he doesn't seem to remember things like i might be going through a bad time and why, or birthdays, or stuff I'll be doing. He just isn't 'on it' whereas I've always be very much on top of things as a single parent. Sometimes now I need to feel I'm important and I don't feel it, I'm wondering whether this is the ADHD or whether we just aren't suited. I know he really likes me a lot and like @FineWordsForAPorcupine just said, I feel like he is really trying to be on his best behaviour as best as he can so not to scare me off. I don't see any obvious signs of ADHD from him.

That said, there is something extremely endearing about him which makes me love being with him. He sees the world in such an impulsive way, no boundaries, which is the total opposite to me.

With my guy the tough stuff only really became apparent when we had kids. Before that we had 10yrs of faffing around having fun.

Another example is I've asked him to do his work expenses for the last 3 month's as we really need the cash. Of course he's lost/misplaced loads of the receipts so keeps putting it off. I also asked him to post a letter for me last week and it still isn't done.

Sometimes now I need to feel I'm important and I don't feel it, I'm wondering whether this is the ADHD or whether we just aren't suited.

Why don't you feel it?

I know with my DH gets upset because he feels I never pay attention to him/listen to him/am affectionate with him. This is, of course, because I forget things, lose focus on the conversation, and get "bored" easily and need to run off to the next thing, so sitting around for a bit of cuddling is like sitting around and letting ants crawl all over me. It's not because I don't love him.

@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 are you saying in hindsight, you have regrets? I think I saw this as fun but now feeling like I need a bit more support and attention but not getting it. He is a very kind and loving person when together but feels like out of sight, out of mind.

For example today I'm irritated about something he forgot but after reading comments here, I'm thinking he didn't mean to forget, just can't process things well

@HulksPurplePanties great point, I think because he doesn't seem too bothered if I'm not around, doesn't pursue me like other intense partners. He just says I make him happy but he doesn't know how to show me

@Shelby43. I obviously don't regret my kids and I'd never change my ADHD daughter as she has an amazing presence and personality. But if I'd known how tough it would be, and it's constant, I wouldn't have stayed with him.

I got swept away by the excitement and dreaming but the constant chaos and anger drains the life out of me

Shelby43 that sounds like me. I can't say I'm not "bothered" when DH and the DC aren't around, I do miss them, but I'm usually distracted by other things so it's not horrible. I'm quite comfortable on my own really.

As for pursuing well, in my younger more anxious days, I would hyperfocus on a guy I was dating, and would drive them away by being too intense. That did go away as I learned to cope and developed other things to focus on (career, friends) to distract my attention. I definitely didn't pursue DH (the opposite) and I think my perceived "lack of attention" does upset him sometimes. But it's hard, cause I'm either full on or detached, and I would definitely rather be detached.

@HulksPurplePanties hyperfocus is a word my DP uses. I guess one thing that bothered me was he said in the past, he would go out of his way to win a particular woman over, but he said it wasn't sustainable for him as he was putting himself under immense pressure constantly and was heading towards a breakdown. However with me, it seems quite peaceful and zen but then I think in my head, you can't like me THAT much if you aren't doing these great shows of affection like before.

Shelby I was like your DH. It was not sustainable, it did lead to me having a breakdown.

When I met DH, I new he was the one because there was something about him that didn't trigger the hyperfocus. Whether it was because he gave me enough of the right kind of attention, I don't know, but I'd never been that calm at the beginning of a relationship. He brought out the happy go lucky, carefree, zen person that I really am when I'm not being triggered.

I would take it as a sign that he really does like you if he is able to relax, be zen and not an anxious wreck with you.

I always say ADHD brains are wired wrong in that we give the wrong reactions to things. Give us caffeine and we get sleepy. Give us Nyquil and we are awake all night. Pair us with the wrong person, we act like a love sick puppy. Pair us with the right person and we are suddenly aloof and dismissive.

@HulksPurplePanties that's extremely useful and interesting to know. I guess these days, people are always playing games mentally and I don't want to be a mug with someone if they aren't that into me. If I grill him, he says he can't define us but that it makes him happy. I'm a very calm person but he fascinates me. I guess I just need a bit more obvious reassurance that he wants me.

I guess I just need a bit more obvious reassurance that he wants me.

I'm not sure if you'll get that. At least for me, I'm horrible at demonstrating affection.

@HulksPurplePanties do you find your DP boring because he isnt like you?

Shelby Only when he's waffling on about camera lenses, but I suspect that's nothing to do with the ADHD!

DH is my rock and we enjoy similar things. Our brains just work differently and that's a good thing because otherwise we would be bankrupt and probably living in a yurt in Mongolia cause I had a bad day at work.