Partner with ADHD, any experiences?

[Shelby43]

Hi,

I recently met someone with ADHD and don't know a lot about it. It's early stages but he has forgotten birthdays, key dates, seems a bit all over the place mentally. I don't know whether to take it personally as he says cares and is happy. A bit emotionally distant. Anyone have any real life experiences they can share?

coffee that is my worry as my oldest gets older, he is going through the diagnosis now. He is a follower and quite immature for his age. He is 10.

Thank you for the hope TinklyLittleLaugh

I’m going to say this on this thread then name change cause it’s very outing but we can’t just wait we have to keep battling and supporting even from afar, cause he has a child our beautiful 2 yr old granddaughter. She was born when he was 17, early irresponsible sexual behaviour classic ADHD.
Her mum is the last girlfriend he had who broke up with him we are blessed to see her a lot and help him to be the best dad he can be EOW.

Yep, been there too with the early irresponsible sexual behaviour. And drinking and drugs.

Also having friends/boyfriends who treat you badly and let you down and, genuinely, seeming to just forget and shrug it off and wonder why it happens again.

And finding the sensible friends/boyfriends boring and liking the mad unreliable ones.

I’m like, “DD hold a grudge, you are allowed to you know,”

Fuck. There is some really insulting opinions about people with ADHD on this thread. We are not all irresponsible sexually. We can hold successful jobs and support families. Jesus. Look at your own parenting, not the diagnosis.

Read the thread Hulks. My husband is very successful professionally and I wouldn’t swap him for anything.

My DD has turned out fine so I am happy with my parenting (and I have three other kids who have never put a foot wrong).

If you didn’t have any of the issues mentioned here then I’m glad for you. ADD is a spectrum and everyone is different.

I've read the thread, in case you haven't noticed most of the posts are mine. I have experienced and live all of these things, what I dislike is the condescending attitude of most of the posters. That ADHD are feckless, promiscuous, useless people.

Where has anyone said feckless, promiscuous or useless? Being irresponsible with contraception doesn’t mean you are promiscuous. And promiscuous is a very judgemental, loaded word anyway. No one in my family is useless.

I don’t think you can condemn people for relating their honest experience of living with someone with ADD.

But I’m sorry if you feel hurt by the thread. But it’s not personal about you.

Hulk apologies that you feel aggrieved about my comments.
Hyperactivity is a classic symptom of ADHD, my son does not have hyperactivity, but I don’t come on threads saying that it’s down to poor parenting that some/ most people with ADHD are hyperactive.
As to looking at my parenting, I have been judged since my son was 7/8 told it was my fault/ ADHD doesn’t exist it’s just lax parents and or a badly behaved child, so thanks for adding to that chorus.
Other parents in my support group included a Primary School Headteacher, a social work Manager in Children and Family services and a secondary school guidance teacher who all had children with irresponsible attitudes to sex. So not sure that we all have poor parenting skills.
By the way I have another grown up DS without any sexual issues because he doesn’t have ADHD.

Sorry if anyone has gotten offended through this thread. The more I've read, the more I think this relationship probably isnt right for me. I'm just not getting enough back, which could be the ADHD talking or could just be someone not really that bothered about me. It's a shame as I was honestly blissfully happy for a short period but such is life! Thanks everyone for their great advice x

@cubiclejockey I missed your earlier post about coping strategies. My DP was taking medication but he said it messed up his body significantly, sleeping all the time and palpitations I think so he stopped. I believe he has coping mechanisms when he speaks to others but he tends to avoid people if he can. When with me, we are fine but I guess we are in a little bubble and it's only dawning on me now that it's a strange set up, that there might be loads in his head going on which he is hiding from me. And the insecure part of me is wanting more affirmation about us which I don't think he even thinks to do as he just assumes we are fine.

One of the reasons my DS gave for not taking his medication was that he felt he wasn’t himself while taking it.
To me as an outsider he didn’t appear “drugged” he just presented as calmer, less liable to act impulsively, more able to concentrate but I think he actually liked feeling more out of control so just refused to take medication . I believe this is why he took recreational drugs to further hype him up and a lot of young people I know with ADHD also take drugs.
There are different ADHD medications they can be prescribed if one type doesn’t work for them for example on “Ritalin” my son never ate or slept and was hyper emotional.
My DS’s version of ADHD exhibits largely with ODD with a little PDA, his main issues are arround his impulsivity, in the past he would literally do anything that came into his head and despite much work over the years he never really understood the concept of consequences.
I used to describe it as he lacked a thought filter, so for example someone would annoy me, I would want to answer back, but I knew that there would be consequences maybe lose my job so I wouldn’t do it. Just think about it in my head or complain to a friend later, but my son would immediately answer back, usually cursing, and then be surprised when he lost the job.
In an effort to cope as he gets older he is working in a very structured environment well below his ability level, avoids trigger points and leads a somewhat restricted life, avoiding certain old friends that he used to do “crazy stuff” with. Every now and then he acts out but he is only 20.
My hope is that one day he learns to manage his ADHD impulses but without having to live in such a restricted way to do so.

@Coffeeonthesofa interesting about your son taking recreational drugs. My DP smokes weed a lot and that's definitely not my scene. He says it really helps him keep calm. But is this the right thing I wonder?

placemarking

Similar situation and feeling confused as new partner has ADHD and I feel like he isnt showing the signs of affection I really want in a relationship even though other actions like talking a lot seem to say the opposite. When we are together, we have a great time but he just lives in a bubble where I feel like it's an arrangement of sorts where I organise everything. The only past ex he was really into, he got completely infatuated even though she actually took advantage and didn't treat him well.

My son has adhd and he is the other way where he is obsessive about people. It does worry me when he starts relationships. He's has no consideration for the other person, doesn't ask after them etc, doesn't ask the other person questions etc, can't really relate on an emotional level.
It must be hard but i have a lot of respect for you for giving this relationship a go and trying to understand that alot of his behaviours are absolutely not intentional. Good luck for the future and I hope it all works out for the both of you. We all need happiness in our lives

@Loudlady34 hi, sorry just saw this. Well I'm still seeing partner exclusively but casually. It's not ideal as he is really comfortable and fun to be around, definitely plays positively to some of my own anxieties. BUT I struggle with his depression and no get up and go. Even normals tasks which would help him, he needs it laid out one by one if he has to do things. Whereas I'm much more a doer. Sometimes I get frustrated with the obvious lack of emotional support even though I know he genuinely cares for me. I just feel like shaking him to get him to 'do something' at times!!! It's a weird situation really. I know I should be looking for someone more suitable but this seems to work for now.