Partner with ADHD, any experiences?

[Shelby43]

Hi,

I recently met someone with ADHD and don't know a lot about it. It's early stages but he has forgotten birthdays, key dates, seems a bit all over the place mentally. I don't know whether to take it personally as he says cares and is happy. A bit emotionally distant. Anyone have any real life experiences they can share?

@hulkspurplepanties thanks for that, I feel I'm a little bit more knowledgeable now. It does feel like there is no game playing with people with ADHD, do you think that's right?

Obviously I can only speak for myself, but for me, not there is not. That would require far greater concentration than I'm capable of.

It does feel like there is no game playing with people with ADHD, do you think that's right?

Hold on, back up there - people with ADHD are just as likely/unlikely to be "playing games" as anyone else. Those sorts of generalisations are unhelpful and inaccurate - and if you decide your boyfriend "can't possibly be manipulating me/playing head games because people with ADHD don't do that" you could be in trouble.

It's like people who think that if a person has autism, they're incapable of lying, or people with downs syndrome never get angry. These are just myths, and they do more harm than good.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine very true, I don't think there is any game playing here but difficult to understand him at times. This thread has helped me enormously though.

My teenage daughter has ADHD and we’ve done a lot of reading/research into it over the years as a result. I’ve since learned a lot of things I never knew before. How it is similar/differs from autism, that it is hereditary, that it has a spectrum, and that there are probably a LOT of people in the world who have it and who are undiagnosed. I discovered this person to be very insightful/informative: www.youtube.com/channel/UC-nPM1_kSZf91ZGkcgy_95Q. She also did a TED talk a few years ago. She happens to be an adult woman with ADHD and has developed a community around educating about what she likes to call “neurodiversity”. She talks about relationships, behaviors and strategies. She refers to her fellow ADHD people as “brains” and their loved ones as “hearts”.

All of that is to say is that it has really opened my eyes about all the differences of the human brain, how prevalent this diversity is, and how as a society we really need to rethink what “normal” is. From everything that you have written so far it sounds as though your partner cares for you very much but his behaviours make you question this. I don’t have an answer for you but I would recommend doing little reading about it. It might help temper your responses/how you feel about his behavior at times. People with ADHD, and who are self aware have unique and amazing qualities too. Good luck.

My adult dd is recently diagnosed adhd with attention deficit type presenting. She's just started a low dose of concerta medication. Anyone with personal knowledge of how the meds affect the person with adhd?

My daughter takes a different stimulant medication but my understanding is that there are typical side affects but these can vary. In my experience, the main side affects have been appetite suppression and it can affect sleep. That being said, the medication does not "remain in the system" so to speak, so they can take it or not take it as needed. Right now she just takes it during the school year (when she especially needs help focusing) and not on weekends or holidays.

Behaviorally she is the same when on/off medication but she is discernibly more able to focus on things. I've heard it described as "putting on glasses". I think it's great your daughter took the initiative to get a diagnosis. I hope she finds the medication helpful.

Hellsbellsmelons

My experience of ADHD is from my daughter but the answer to your questions would very likely be this.

How did he manage those things before? - He didn't

Doing things for him won't necessarily help him.
He needs to do these things for himself.

• He can't. He has a neurological condition which impacts upon his ability to organise himself. It won't just go away no matter how much anyone wishes it.

Having a partner with ADHD is likely to be very frustrating at times. If you want him to remember things like birthdays you're probably going to need to remind him lots of times. However people with ADHD generally are very creative and can have a great sense of fun. I would suggest you go slowly though OP to get used to what's involved.
Also, as a parent of a child with ADHD, it is a genetic condition. My DH had ADHD as a child, but is one of the people who in adulthood the symptoms lessened considerably. One of our 2 children has ADHD though. I'm hoping her symptoms also lessen as she gets older. Parenting an ADHD child is frankly bloody hard work.

tobee my daughter has recently started medication. A different type but similar.
It is going well. Her focus at school has been improved and there haven't been any side effects. We're very pleased so far.

Thanks @cubiclejockey and @Lindy2.

Dd is on a teeny dose right now. But will be reviewed soon. She was diagnosed ASD a couple of years ago but in many ways I think the ADHD effects her ability to function more.

My husband has ADHD. only diagnosed 2 years ago. It has been hard, we have children together so sometimes feel like i do everything on my own. But other times he can be so good with me and kids.
We have strategies in place to help him and me. He also doesn't drink anymore as he doesn't no when to stop.
Its hard but if you understand what ADHD is you will understand most of there behaviour.

This is so interesting. A couple of years ago I became convinced DD1 has ADD, though she copes pretty well by being bright and working very hard at it.

But, as my eyes were opened, I realised DH, and probably FiL are similarly affected. And all the things that have driven me mad about DH over the years are not really his fault.

Nowadays DH has a whole net of strategies to keep him organised, but over the years he has been terrible with procrastination and being ridiculously disorganised and forgetful. He’s done things like forgetting to lock up our house before a two week holiday, losing his passport and tickets and his wallet on an almost weekly basis, forgetting to insure his car, obviously the list goes on.

He’s very loveable, has loads of good qualities and I adore him, so I suppose I’ve learned to become very accepting of him and try to find work arounds. He is very busy busy busy and finds it very hard to just sit and chill with me. He also has loads of hobbies that he gets quite immersed in.

One big positive, is that we have been able to look at what has worked for DH career wise and use it to help steer DD. DH is a massively successful salesman because he is full of energy and genuine and has this big likeability factor, and it suits him to sell something then move on to the next customer, (don’t talk to me about the procrastination involved in submitting a big tender though). We suggested DD try this route and again, she has been massively successful in sales, totally I believe because of her friendly, likeability factor.

Tinklylittlelaugh my husband has forgotten to pick up 1 of our children up from school before, he got out of the gates and over the road and had to run back 😂 he gets all stressed being in the playground with all the parents and other children. Said he was just thinking in his head he needed to get home. When did your husband get diagnosed?
We think our oldest has ADD. Currently going through the process in school.

I note a lot of you with ADHD partners say their partners have lots of hobbies. What if there are no hobbies? My DP seems to be a hermit, I think he thinks he will say stupid things around others so avoids people a lot unless very necessary. This is the problem, I believe he is trying hard to be on his best behaviour with me, he says he treats me with kid gloves.

Lula My DH left newborn DD in the car in B and Q car park and had to do the walk of shame when it was called out over the tannoy. Thank God it was a cold winter day (she was well wrapped up) rather than a hot summer day.

He was always late picking them up from school, he just couldn’t manage his time. Nowadays if we need to be somewhere I just lie about the time.

He’s not formally diagnosed, by the way, but him and DD tick all the boxes.

My husband goes for big walks, mostly by himself, he started after being diagnosed. He also coaches football which is an obsession for him. He would do it every night if he could. He says he does it because he likes to feel liked and wanted.
He didn't really have any hobbies before, but now he has things to keep him busy he is less agitated at home.
Its hard talking to people in real life about things going on at home as i feel unless you have lived with someone with ADHD you don't understand. My sister can be quite judgemental with things that have happened in the past or things he has done or said. So its nice to read these comments.

Hmm, on the whole DH is very charming to people, though he does drop the odd, jaw dropping clanger. He ones that seem to have the guilt/shame kind of feelings some people with ADD get. Though he gets quite frustrated with himself.

DD has the whole “Why am I so stupid?” thing going on though. Uni was awful for her, having to organise herself so much. She ended up with anxiety (and smoked a lot of weed to counteract this which made things ten times worse). But for a couple of years now she has been great, much more accepting of herself and with good strategies in place. At 23, she’s not sure about getting an ADD diagnosis.

He doesn’t seem to have the guilt/shame

My 20 year old son has ADHD, diagnosed as a child, doesn’t take any medication - his choice.
His ADHD is pretty extreme he doesn’t live at home because of his ADHD, long long story of extreme behaviour towards me and his dad.
He’s been sacked form every job he’s had, since leaving school at 16 for an apprenticeship. Terrible with money, spent it on impulse buys and not bills.
He has cost us so much money over the years, especially when not getting benefits after being sacked, so we have had to cover all the essential costs.
He has a lovely partner he lives with, she keeps asking me why he is doing this or that, he treats her badly not abusing her or anything just takes her for granted doesn’t take her into account if he gets distracted by new things. I like her a lot, but he’s not willing to try and change, so I’ve advised her to leave him, terrible for a mum to say but I wouldn’t have him back home.
I wouldn’t choose to be in a relationship with someone with ADHD.

The problem is, that if you look at 10 people with adhd, you will see it present in 10 different ways. There maybe similarities and things in common but not all the same.

This. There’s quite a bit of variety. I have it. For me it’s okay. I never forget birthdays and things like that, I’m very good at listening and remembering what other people say (I actually don’t talk a lot/am not loud, am socially aware, I never get angry - so I don’t fit the annoying stereotype). I did very well academically and have a very good demanding job. I don’t struggle with the taking care of others aspect, for myself I need some help from time to time. Simply because I forget. Sometimes really basic stuff like eating. So now I have an app where I put in the amount of calories I eat etc. … Works great. Nobody has to accommodate me – would also feel like a humiliation tbh. And I need quite a bit of physical exercise, otherwise my senses get overloaded. If I get that I can function in a very normal manner. Oh and very rarely, I know I need some extra help and I take medication; works well for me and the side effects are relatively minor like cold blue feet etc …

I don’t usually tell people I have it since it leads to all sorts of assumptions and I find that –again- humiliating.

coffeeonthesofa i can imagine how hard that must be, my mil had an awful time whilst husband growing up, especially the teenage years of drinking and drug use. He wasn't diagnosed till 32 so back then he was just known as the naughty kid.
Fast forward to when i met him, he has changed his life, he has a fulltime job a house and 3 kids. Maybe his girlfriend leaving him might give him a kick up the bum to try and make him change.
Is there any support groups in your area.

20 is so young though Coffee. DD was a very challenging teenager. At 23 she’s pretty much a model citizen and has changed a lot in the past couple of years.

Thanks lulabaloo

Didn’t change when his last one left, cause he’s a good looking young man who can be very charming when it suits him, there are always young impressionable girls arround.
We have been through family therapy, parenting classes, parents of ADHD support group. He had a child psychologist helping him til he was 16 but he refused to go to adult services He’s had help through school, a young adults worker through church and counselling through drugs action, nothing worked tbh.
There are no support groups once they are adult near us.
Being honest It’s thanks to us that he’s not in prison.
I keep hoping something will click, I would love to think it might change in the future.

I'm Autistic and I have zero organisation and forget everything

Hi OP, your last post made me feel a bit sad for you and your DP. It sounds as though he feels shame about himself which, although common, can be very harming to the self-esteem. He seems to be telling you he is trying hard which also seems to imply he may be masking because he feels he can't be himself. No one is a project for another person but perhaps that is something you can look into together. How much is he aware about his own ADHD? Does he get help/take medication/have strategies?