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Original poster

found out dp 'lied' about his past - what would you do?

70 replies

RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:03

have name changed. Dp recently moved in with me. This was not a decision I took lightly as I have dcs at home (not young) and I haven't had anyone live with me since my divorce 8 years ago.

Dp and I met online dating early last year. When we met we were both travelling with our jobs so we didn't have the exclusivity chat for a while as we were just having fun. It was my first time dating since the divorce so I was just enjoying getting out there!

Last week I discovered, completely accidentally, that dp had been living with another woman at the time we met. The flat that I had visited him in was his flat but it turns out he wasn't actually living there at that point in time.

He has admitted to me that there was a crossover period between me and her but that he knew it was over and was in the process of extricating himself from the relationship.

Problem is, I see actually being in a relationship and effectively cheating to totally different to multi dating (which is what I was doing) but I admit neither of us said we were exclusive. I also doubt that he broke up with her as soon as he is claiming. The reason I say this as even as recently as about 6 months ago, I believe he was staying there (though I have no absolute proof - but a few situations that arose are now starting to make sense) and I noticed some messages from this woman (but didn't know who she was at the time).

I've asked dp to come clean about this. He insists he has told me everything. He said she kept in touch with him but he promises there's nothing there. He says all I need to know is that his future is with me. He loves me, he's never been happier and he wants to draw a line under the past and move forward. Which is all very well but I hate doubts in a relationship and it's just thrown a bucketload of them right at the start of what is meant to be something really exciting and special!

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 31/07/2019 14:12

Well I think he probably told her the exact same words. I also think she wasn't keeping in contact because he was rebuffing her.

Put it this way, imagine she was his wife? There's not much different bar the wedding cake.

Looks like he jumped from one easy option into another.

Andallofasuddenitsover · 31/07/2019 14:17

He moved in with you.. I wonder whether he uses women for accommodation/ whatever they can provide? Ie he couldn’t leave the last person until he had new accommodation.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 31/07/2019 14:20

192 via Google his address. She /he will be listed as living there for electoral role purposes possibly.
It would be game over for me.
I am very black and white though.

Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:20

he claims they hadn't been seeing each other long (which begs the question as to why he was living with her). She doesn't have dcs though so it would have been a simpler equation in many ways.

I am also concerned now that he might be someone who simply jumps from relationship to relationship though his friends did tell me that he has had periods when he's been single (though this comment came up incidentally rather than in response to anything).

OP posts:
Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:22

I did the 192 thing and he's never been listed there. She was listed at her address.

OP posts:
LazyLizzy · 31/07/2019 14:23

It does look like his main reason for moving in with women is just to get a roof over his head.

Does he contribute equally?

Pinkmonkeybird · 31/07/2019 14:23

That would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds like he just lurches from one relationship to another and agree with the PP. Also you've only known him a year...I'm not judging...I've been that person and totally regretted it. I'd have given him another year or so before moving in together to be honest, young children or not. Does he own this flat?

Honestly OP, it really doesn't bode well for the beginning of a relationship if he has been inconvenient with the truth..

Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:23

he does (or did) have a flat he rents (as I've visited it) and he was sharing it with someone else so that does exist. He's come out of that lease now to move in with me but it appears he kept that lease the entire time he was with her (however long it might have been) as he took it out post his divorce which was several years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:25

he does contribute - it's been 18 months ish now. I don't think the moving in is a money thing as he has a good job. But I think it may be a 'I can't be on my own thing' and I'm just as concerned about that.

I know, I feel terribly downhearted about it all :( - I am a completely straightforward person

OP posts:
Doyoureallyneedtoask · 31/07/2019 14:26

Where did he live before moving in with you ie for the last six months? Is it possible if he was travelling with work that he just had belongings in her house that he never picked up?

I wouldn't trust him to be honest. He was online dating when living with another woman. But I have been cheated on and badly hurt. I also understand that not everything is black and white. Because you have children, I'd be more inclined to slow things right down if not pull out of the relationship but there are feelings involved and that is easier said than done.

LazyLizzy · 31/07/2019 14:26

Gut feelings are there for a reason.

If you have doubts, act on them.

Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:33

he has had his rental place since his divorce right up to when he moved in with me. He has definitely kept that the entire time. In that period (about 4 years), he's had 2 relationships - one with someone he met abroad but that fizzled out after 10 months (he told me about this one) and it turns out, one with this woman (who I knew nothing about).

it is possible he had broken up with her when he said and just left stuff there - but the whole deviousness of not telling me and the way I found out when he clearly had no plan to tell me is what is bothering me.

If he had just been honest, at least I could have made a call at the time - but the fact that even after we got together, he didn't tell me makes me worry about what other stuff he might hide in our relationship (not that I have any suspicions now but I think it says a lot about someone's character)

OP posts:
Doyoureallyneedtoask · 31/07/2019 14:41

Why did the second relationship break up? Did he cheat on her with someone else (not you) and/or is he over her? Sometimes if there is a lot of hurt involved, it is easier to not talk about it. I think that is the first question I'd ask.........

AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 14:44

•he claims they hadn't been seeing each other long (which begs the question as to why he was living with her).•

Err, isn’t this what’s he’s doing with you?

You’ve caught him in a lie and you’d still be none the wiser if you hadn’t of discovered it. I’m sure his Ex has a different version of events. He needs to be gone, you have children and his not low contact relationship with the truth, is a worry.

cakecakecheese · 31/07/2019 14:44

Hmm well if it were me I think it'd always be in my head that if he can be living with someone but knew it was over and was in the process of extricating himself from the relationship while seeing me it's highly possible that further down the line he'd do the same thing to me.

AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 14:45

If he stays, you’re effectively saying his lies are ok.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 31/07/2019 14:46

From what you had written, it sounds like he was the one that checked out of the relationship. Her keeping in touch with him is possibly due to being kept dangling - 'can't commit to a relationship when travelling with work' etc rather than telling her that it was over. It also accounts for having some belongings there.

I don't know why he left her? Boredom? You came along? Constant arguing? It doesn't sound like he was honest with her or with you. I suppose it depends on his reasons why..........but I'd have more respect for someone who was transparent but lets face it, many people avoid rather than discuss something that doesn't show them in a favourable light.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2019 14:50

He was using OLD when he was still with his ex so I think it's reasonable to assume he was cheating on her with other women before you came along. Seems to me he has form for looking for the next easy living arrangement.

Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:53

agentjohnson we've been seeing each other 18 months ish. If the timeline is correct, he can only have been seeing her a few months when they started living together.

the problem is that he doesn't see it as a lie - as far as he is concerned, at the start, we both agreed we weren't exclusive. And he claims they broke up properly fairly quickly after we started seeing each other anyway.

but I feel that not being exclusive and effectively cheating on a relationship are not the same thing! And I'm now left wondering about his timeline with no way of verifying what actually happened

second relationship broke up because he said as time went on, he realised that they were just not compatible once the initial rush of excitement had worn off. She (apparently) wanted v different things in the future and he has dcs and she doesn't and this was an issue as she wasn't particularly supportive of his need to spend a fair bit of time seeing them

I guess I have to decide whether I trust his version of events or not - because if they did break up quickly after we met and had already made the decision to do so when we did meet, then it's a different situation to him carrying on seeing her for ages. But other than approaching her, I don't see how I can verify this. I also don't get why you would be living with someone so quickly if it was such a short relationship - having said that, I've read threads on mumsnet where people are moving in with each other after a month or so but I find those situations hard to fathom!

OP posts:
Graphista · 31/07/2019 14:56

That lack of candour would be a massive dealbreaker for me.

Sounds like you didn't really do your own "due diligence" in checking out this man you've moved in with your DC, which you've done fairly quickly in my opinion too.

I don't think children should even be introduced to a new partner until AT LEAST 6 months in, up to a year, and then gradually get to know them before they move in which I would say shouldn't be happening until you'd been together AT LEAST 2 years.

The first year-18 months the rose tinted glasses are firmly in place and people on their best behaviour - as you're discovering to your cost!

If I were you I'd be contacting her to find out when SHE thinks their relationship ended, I would not be at all surprised to find they were very much still "together" when you were with him for the first 6-8 months and that he kept her dangling after that in case you and he didn't work out.

His hedging his bets show he is NOT fully committed to you and is more concerned with protecting his own arse in terms of accommodation/not being alone.

He sounds the type to stay in a poor relationship rather than be single.

Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:59

how do you know when my children were introduced to him! and they are adults so it's not the same actually

but thanks for the condemnation

I did check him out thoroughly as it happens. I knew where he lived, I knew where he worked. I met his family and his friends.

How was i meant to find this mysterious girlfriend I didn't know existed? you tell me how you would have found that with your due diligence then?

OP posts:
BeautifulBlaze · 31/07/2019 15:03

Could this be the case OP?
He's sounds deceitful, we all make mistakes and move hastily ... Id be inclined to see what else he lies about

found out dp 'lied' about his past - what would you do?
Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 15:05

he had a flat though - which he has only just given up so I don't think it was that

it's more the trust that I have an issue with as I think it's a pretty major point not to tell someone (personally) and I wondered if I was being too harsh but it doesn't appear that I am

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 31/07/2019 15:12

Sounds like he was having a casual affair with his flat mate. So he can say it wasn’t a relationship.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/07/2019 15:15

The relationship broke up because he realised they weren't compatible. But he was already living with her...so he moved in with a woman before they even worked out whether they were compatible?

It does sound as though he jumps into live-in relationships before he really knows his partner. Might be that he's just a bit of a boy-child who doesn't want to be alone, ever (esp if he shared the rental flat w someone, doesn't necessarily need to be a partner, he just needs somebody else around).

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