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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

found out dp 'lied' about his past - what would you do?

70 replies

RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:03

have name changed. Dp recently moved in with me. This was not a decision I took lightly as I have dcs at home (not young) and I haven't had anyone live with me since my divorce 8 years ago.

Dp and I met online dating early last year. When we met we were both travelling with our jobs so we didn't have the exclusivity chat for a while as we were just having fun. It was my first time dating since the divorce so I was just enjoying getting out there!

Last week I discovered, completely accidentally, that dp had been living with another woman at the time we met. The flat that I had visited him in was his flat but it turns out he wasn't actually living there at that point in time.

He has admitted to me that there was a crossover period between me and her but that he knew it was over and was in the process of extricating himself from the relationship.

Problem is, I see actually being in a relationship and effectively cheating to totally different to multi dating (which is what I was doing) but I admit neither of us said we were exclusive. I also doubt that he broke up with her as soon as he is claiming. The reason I say this as even as recently as about 6 months ago, I believe he was staying there (though I have no absolute proof - but a few situations that arose are now starting to make sense) and I noticed some messages from this woman (but didn't know who she was at the time).

I've asked dp to come clean about this. He insists he has told me everything. He said she kept in touch with him but he promises there's nothing there. He says all I need to know is that his future is with me. He loves me, he's never been happier and he wants to draw a line under the past and move forward. Which is all very well but I hate doubts in a relationship and it's just thrown a bucketload of them right at the start of what is meant to be something really exciting and special!

OP posts:

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 31/07/2019 16:33

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster

RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 16:35

he did none of those things Graphista and yes I checked facebook. The only thing that would have found something like this is a private investigator. There really were no signs. It was all tickety boo which is why this has shocked me.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 16:37

thanks hope, I do feel really shocked

I just hate stuff like this, I'm not someone who is devious or hides things or anything like that and I'm now wondering if I can have a relationship where I'm second guessing someone the whole time

it's been really useful hearing all your thoughts, thank you

OP posts:

lyralalala · 31/07/2019 16:37

Given he managed to erase the woman he live with from all conversation, he hid messages well, managed to pretend he lives fully at the other flat (potentially with the flat mate there covering for him?) I’d wonder what else he could hide easily

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 31/07/2019 16:39

I'd want to speak to her

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/07/2019 16:39

OP he seems to be concentrating on the fact he wasn’t cheating on you because you hadn’t agreed to be exclusive. You’re concerned about the fact he was cheating on the woman he lived with (making you the unknowing OW). He doesn’t think you should care about his past actions because they weren’t poor behaviour towards you. But you seem to have recognised that they are an indicator of his character and he may have hidden that bit of it from you until now, but having seen it you realise he’s a cheat even if it isn’t with you.

I think you’re right to be concerned. If things had been going poorly with this woman he had his own flat to go back to. Assuming he was supposed to be exclusive with her, he has no excuse for continuing to live with her while he’s Signing up for dating sites and seeing you. What’s he going to do when he decides things are no longer working with you (what’s he already done, given you have suspicions he’s been in touch with her as recently as 6 months ago)?

Maybe he has a believable and less tawdry explanation of events - but if so he doesn’t seem to be prepared to show you that he’s actually a good guy given he focuses on the fact he wasn’t cheating on you, not on the fact he wasn’t cheating. He doesn’t appear to be the man you thought he was.

This would be a huge issue for me and I my advice would be to tell him to move out (though, I’m not sure I’d have that clarity were I living it).

Loopytiles · 31/07/2019 16:41

For me, the trust and confidence in his character would be gone and it’d be game over. Even without any DC to consider.

RhubarbTea · 31/07/2019 16:45

His ex partner likely considered theirs to be an exclusive relationship while he was OLD and connecting with you. You were unwittingly an OW.
He lied by omission by not telling you about her and by pretending that he was living at the flat he took you to.
This man is an entitled manipulator. I would never trust him again and I would not expose my children to him.

This. All the way. I'm not getting a great feeling about this guy, I just think you can do so much better than this sinking unease and making allowances for his lies. Eugh. The fact you are having these worries just after he's moved in is so telling as well! Gut instincts are rarely wrong.

Original poster

RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 16:47

yes that's exactly it boom. His focus is wrong in this and that makes me wonder about his character and whether I can continue with someone.

You know if he had said, you're right, it was cheating, that was wrong, it was a horrible thing to do - although I might still feel the same about his character, at least it would have been him owning his behaviour (for want of a better word).

Excusing the crossover period as 'not being very long' and 'having decided we were already going to break up' is not actually saying 'I did something wrong here' and you're right, that's what is getting to me.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 31/07/2019 16:49

Yeah, big red flags there about his attitudes towards his partner/women and fidelity.

suitcasecoveredincathair · 31/07/2019 17:00

'having decided we were already going to break up'

This is the loony part. Basically he went on OLD while in a live-in relationship and he's trying to convince you that it was all ok because he'd already decided that his relationship was going to end?

No. First you end the relationship, then you sign up for OLD FFS!

Reallybadidea · 31/07/2019 17:02

I'd actually be more worried in some ways by the fact that he thinks he hasn't really done anything wrong. That suggests his relationship values are fundamentally different to yours. This is the way he lives his life and even if he doesn't do the exact same thing to you in the future, he sees honesty as optional. His moral compass is not the same as yours and that will bring you grief in the long run IMHO.

MsDogLady · 31/07/2019 17:02

Redial, your values are incompatible. Whereas you are open and honest, he believed that he had every right to mislead you (and his ex) to get what he wanted.

Mitzimaybe · 31/07/2019 17:19

I hadn't really considered the fact that he already had a flat of his own to go to. I can understand that it might take you some time to extricate yourself from a relationship if you have nowhere else to go. When you know a relationship is over and you already have your own place, surely you just move there before you start dating anyone else.

LegionOfDoom · 31/07/2019 17:53

Basically he went on OLD while in a live-in relationship and he's trying to convince you that it was all ok because he'd already decided that his relationship was going to end

^ Exactly this.

He decided the relationship was over. That’s fine but once it was decided, he should have moved out. Once everything was completely finished with his ex, he could then start thinking about dating again. That’s what any decent person would do. You don’t just start old whilst still living with someone. The fact he already had a flat to go to (so he wouldn’t be homeless) is also suspicious. He could have left any time he wanted to, but he didn’t.

BeautifulBlaze · 31/07/2019 18:54

Not really sure why you posted OP. You're very protective of him and standing by his side! And confrontational to a lot of replies on here. He's shady, the whole situation is shady. Once a cheat, always a cheat

Podwoman888 · 31/07/2019 18:59

Do you own your house OP?
If so, you need to see a solicitor and have them draw up a co-habitation agreement to protect your assets.
See how he reacts to this idea.....

Original poster

RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 19:25

I'm not confrontational but I find it an insult to suggest I'm not protecting my children and that I didn't do enough due diligence! There are always people who post saying they would have done things differently and they would have spotted it etc. but tbh what does that help when I am where I am and other than a private detective, I'm not sure how this would have been picked up!

Anyway, I'll bow out now, thanks to those who have helped - it's been really useful to hear how you would perceive this. I have been very upset but wanted to check I wasn't over reacting.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 31/07/2019 19:51

You are uneasy about him, that should be enough to either finish it, or why not suggest you’ve been a bit hasty in moving in together & suggests he finds his own place and, if you really want to, just go back to ‘dating’. Why the rush to live together? That way at least you will find out if he really wants to be with you or is having a cosy home more important to him .?

ChuckleBuckles · 31/07/2019 19:52

He says all I need to know is that his future is with me

But is it not up to you to decide what you need to know for reassurance OP? That attitude smacks of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" but that is clearly not true a hell of a lot can hurt you if you don't know about it, especially where sexual infidelity is involved.

OP I would be seriously considering if there is any way forward with this man, he lies by omission and then fobbed you off, he may have, unknowingly to you, made you the ow. You seem like very different people with different values.

I hope you take time to think and don't feel that you have to continue with the relationship because you have invested emotion and time in it, if you walk away it is not a failure or mistake on your part, it was just an opportunity for you to learn what kind of partner you would like going forward and know that you do deserve better treatment than this man gives you.

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