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Original poster

found out dp 'lied' about his past - what would you do?

70 replies

RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 14:03

have name changed. Dp recently moved in with me. This was not a decision I took lightly as I have dcs at home (not young) and I haven't had anyone live with me since my divorce 8 years ago.

Dp and I met online dating early last year. When we met we were both travelling with our jobs so we didn't have the exclusivity chat for a while as we were just having fun. It was my first time dating since the divorce so I was just enjoying getting out there!

Last week I discovered, completely accidentally, that dp had been living with another woman at the time we met. The flat that I had visited him in was his flat but it turns out he wasn't actually living there at that point in time.

He has admitted to me that there was a crossover period between me and her but that he knew it was over and was in the process of extricating himself from the relationship.

Problem is, I see actually being in a relationship and effectively cheating to totally different to multi dating (which is what I was doing) but I admit neither of us said we were exclusive. I also doubt that he broke up with her as soon as he is claiming. The reason I say this as even as recently as about 6 months ago, I believe he was staying there (though I have no absolute proof - but a few situations that arose are now starting to make sense) and I noticed some messages from this woman (but didn't know who she was at the time).

I've asked dp to come clean about this. He insists he has told me everything. He said she kept in touch with him but he promises there's nothing there. He says all I need to know is that his future is with me. He loves me, he's never been happier and he wants to draw a line under the past and move forward. Which is all very well but I hate doubts in a relationship and it's just thrown a bucketload of them right at the start of what is meant to be something really exciting and special!

OP posts:
Juells · 31/07/2019 15:17

it appears he kept that lease the entire time he was with her

He needed a shag palace

NewFoneWhoDis · 31/07/2019 15:25

My BIL overlapped his old girlfriend and new one like that. A decade on the new one became a wife and found out she was overlapped on.

I'd be asking him for his ex's contact details so I could as her directly and see what she has to say about it. If he's got a problem with it then he should have been straight with you 18 months ago.

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 15:27

He dives into live-in relationships. He pings from woman to woman because he cannot be alone. He lied. About living with someone! Why on EARTH would you want to be with a man who lies about this?! Seriously! Give your head a wobble. He'll do the same to you. Don't you think you deserve better than a cheater? A person who doesn't have the maturity and respect for his girlfriend to say, 'This isn't working out. We are not compatible. We need to split and move on,' because he's off on sites trawling for better options?

wowfudge · 31/07/2019 15:30

There are more holes in his stories than a Swiss cheese. He can't be trusted.

mussolini9 · 31/07/2019 15:30

Sounds like you didn't really do your own "due diligence" in checking out this man

How was the OP meant to magically divine that there may have been another g/f in the mix? Why are you blaming her for not being psychic, @Graphista? Is there a special "due diligence" agency that will watch your new b/f for you while you are not with them, & send you a report?
Are you seriously suggesting that people should get a private dick to spy on their new love interests?

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 31/07/2019 15:30

Moving in with someone and maintaining a lease raises red flags for me. Did they officially move in together or did he just stay over regularly? Was he contributing to her bills? If so he saw it as his main residence so why did he keep the lease?

But OP things are not always black and white. Did he keep the flat for his children to stay in if his ex wasn’t happy with them being around? Did the lease mean the mother of his children would allow him access instead of staying in a stranger’s house? Did work pay for the lease? Did he ‘fall into’ living together without having a proper discussion?

The thing that bothers me more is that he was OLD whilst with somebody. Based on past experiences, once a cheater, always a cheater.....

Mitzicoco · 31/07/2019 15:36

Maybe, just maybe, he is now telling you the truth. It does happen...

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 15:44

But he didn't tell her the truth. He didn't show her where he was actually living at the time, with another woman.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 31/07/2019 15:48

Did you not ask him if he was single or not before you started dating?

LemonBreeland · 31/07/2019 15:50

He chose to do online dating while in relationship with someone else. That would be a deal breaker for me. He was not single, he decided to find the replacement before dumping the previous one.

suitcasecoveredincathair · 31/07/2019 15:50

He has admitted to me that there was a crossover period between me and her but that he knew it was over and was in the process of extricating himself from the relationship.

As a PP said, he was doing OLD while he was with her so he wasn't "in the process of extricating himself", he was actively looking to cheat!

HE might have known it was over but that doesn't mean SHE did!

omione · 31/07/2019 15:53

I f he cheated on her he will cheat on you

Miniloso · 31/07/2019 15:55

Similar happened to me with my ex. Early days but a few weeks in we had the exclusivity conversation. Months later I discovered he had been double dating me with another woman and sleeping with her too. They’d even gone away together to Europe for the weekend (he’d said it was a work trip).

I tried to make things work but ultimately it wasn’t that this had happened as it was early days - it was the fact that he was the type of man who could be cunning and tell barefaced lies and deceive that broke us.

I contacted the OW and she was horrified as like me, she thought he wasn’t the type.

I wasted 2 years trying to trust him and eventually he did even worse things to me. I’m in therapy now.

Nice guys tell the truth with hesitation.
Shit guys don’t.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 31/07/2019 15:57

Due diligence indeed. This is why I always insist on seeing someones facebook profile - to check it says they're single.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/07/2019 16:01

he does (or did) have a flat he rents (as I've visited it) and he was sharing it with someone else

Are you absolutely certain that flat was in his name, and not that of a friend he moved in with?

Because at best, if it was his, that suggests a lack of commitment to the previous woman he lived with - and it it wasn't his, it sounds like a possible shag pad his mate lets him borrow

Either way his story's as full of holes as a swiss cheese and I'm not sure why you'd put up with that?

Didiusfalco · 31/07/2019 16:05

He sounds like a cheater op, the various ins and outs of it are just semantics.

lyralalala · 31/07/2019 16:06

The problem is that he hid this from you so how can you possibly have 100% faith in what he's saying now.

Everytime you spoke to him he lied about where he was living at the time. Anytime he seen her he lied in his "Today I did x, y and z".

He actively went out of his way to keep her existence hidden from you and you have to wonder why? Presumably because he knew you wouldn't like it. That would worry me - what else will he keep from you because he doesn't like it.

I'd be suggesting he goes back to his rental place, or a different place, and give yourself some time to work out what you want to do with this infromation and the fact that you and he see the overlap very differently.

Original poster
RedialThisNumber · 31/07/2019 16:17

notsuchasmugmarried neither of us are on facebook

I still wait to hear what due diligence you would have done that would have found it!

Other than a private investigator who followed him for weeks, there is no way I would have discovered this.

the flat is his (i saw the lease)

we weren't exclusive while this was happening

he claims they were breaking up in this time but who knows what the exact timing was and he would never have told me this had I not accientally stumbled on something that showed me he had lived there

it's the omission of information as much as anything else

thanks for your points of view though as it's always good to hear how others take this type of thing

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 31/07/2019 16:23

I would want to know her side of it. At this point I'd also want to know his wife's side of why the marriage ended.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 31/07/2019 16:26

Maybe I wouldn't have found out. But I would certainly have asked him if he was single and if he said yes I'd have asked him was there anyone who might disagree with him on that.

Graphista · 31/07/2019 16:28

"I have dcs at home (not young)"

"Not young" can mean a lot of things it certainly doesn't indicate adult.

Even if they are adults they're still living at home so your decision for him to move in STILL impacts on them too.

"Dp and I met online dating early last year." So we know you've only been together around 18 months, so your DC can only have been introduced to him in that time.

"but a few situations that arose are now starting to make sense" that suggests to me there WERE indications he was in another relationship when you first got together, possibly until as recent as 6 months ago (from your own comments) which you must have dismissed/ignored.

"There are more holes in his stories than a Swiss cheese." Exactly

There are in most cases indicators that someone isn't completely single, anybody who ignores these does so at their peril.

"The thing that bothers me more is that he was OLD whilst with somebody. Based on past experiences, once a cheater, always a cheater....." Agree with this. He was actively seeking another - at least someone to shag, possibly even relationship - while already in a relationship.

Graphista · 31/07/2019 16:29

"Due diligence indeed. This is why I always insist on seeing someones facebook profile - to check it says they're single." That's one thing you can do, there are several ways of checking if someone is single and certain comments/behaviours which show they aren't.

"neither of us are on facebook" have you actually checked if he is?

Due diligence -

Check SM accounts, does he introduce you to family/friends with no issue, especially if you bump into people out and about, how does he introduce/describe you to them? does he "date" you comfortably in public - eg are you actually going out on dates in his locale where people he knows could see you both and it's not a problem, is he ok with normal public affection like hand holding and the occasional kiss? Does he place restrictions on when and how you contact him when you're not together? Does his contacting you when you're not together happen only at certain times (ie a person who doesn't text/phone at times when they'd likely be with their current partner - eg early evenings, weekends, might be hiding you from that person)? Or only in certain formats (text? If they won't even text but only use things like whatsapp that can be dubious too)? Is you changing arrangements to see them at a different time - but when they are supposedly free to meet up - a problem? Is the place they're supposedly living seeming/looking actually lived in? By them? Is where they arrange to meet you somewhere that makes sense according to where they claim to live/work?

Or do they ALWAYS insist on coming to you, having "cosy nights in", being averse to public signs of affection etc?

LOADS of things that can indicate that someone isn't truly free and single.

Chocolate1984 · 31/07/2019 16:29

He had signed himself up for OLD whilst in a relationship with someone else. That's cheating. Saying you were extracting yourself doesn't make it better.

MsDogLady · 31/07/2019 16:31

His ex partner likely considered theirs to be an exclusive relationship while he was OLD and connecting with you. You were unwittingly an OW.

He lied by omission by not telling you about her and by pretending that he was living at the flat he took you to.

This man is an entitled manipulator. I would never trust him again and I would not expose my children to him.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 31/07/2019 16:33

I would be Extremely Unhappy about this. I would not be comfortable with somebody who was prepared to be this dishonest by omission. How are you supposed to have faith that he won’t be this flexible with the truth with someone else going forward, to your detriment?

Very distasteful.

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