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Original poster

Dating a man who seems to have had a personality transplant overnight

90 replies

PatSharpsMullett · 30/07/2019 21:00

Very confused here. Have been on several wonderful dates with a man I met online. He told me he hasn’t had a connection like this with anyone in so long and that he’s excited to see what happens with us. He did all the chasing, said all the right things.

Fifth date was last Thursday and we slept together. He has been very quiet since (unusual as he Normally contacts me a lot) and on Sunday he text to say he’s finding life very difficult at the moment. He said he doesn’t want me to think just because we’ve had sex he’s changed his mind, he just isn’t in a good place as apparently one of his friends died a week ago. I said I was sorry to hear that, that I understood and asked if he wanted to talk. He said ‘no, I’ve got nothing to say really.’

I backed off and have given him space but today he messages to say his friends funeral is next week. I asked if he would be going and he said ‘nah, not worth taking the day off work for someone i last saw five years ago.’ For someone who was seemingly so upset about his friend dying, I thought it was a weird reply.

He’s since been moaning about how he’s got a lot on his plate but has completely stopped asking anything about me. Texts from him are short and cold. It’s so odd. He’s literally gone from one of the funniest people I ever met to being completely cold and devoid of any affection towards me. I don’t know what to do from here. My gut is telling me that he’s lost interest since we had sex and is trying to phase me out. I’ve tried to be supportive of his issues without being full on and I even said that if he wanted to
Take a break from dating then that’s fine - he reacted by saying “what the fuck are you on about? Why are you acting like I’m some sort of prick? If I didn’t want you I’d just say”

At a bit of a loss here. Dating should be fun but I don’t know how to handle this one.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 30/07/2019 21:18

So, a brief psychological run-down of how this happens (which isn't always true, but is quite depressingly true a lot of the time):

  • He grows up in an unstable family with a problematic relationship with a parent - probably his mother
  • He simultaneously craves her affection and hates her at the same time. Total ambivalence.
  • He replays this, ad nauseam, in all his intimate relationships. He idealises at first ("This one is going to be different; this is the woman who will change/save me.") ...
  • ... and then he finds that, terrifyingly, he is not saved, and he is still where he is, and his ambivalence resurfaces again. You become his mother. He must now push you away, because his relationship with you will mirror his relationship with her in his mind (not in reality; but the mind is a strong, strong thing).
  • He makes you into a monster; he projects; he displaces.
  • Most obvious of all: he backs off.
  • He'll now go on the search for the next woman to first enamour, and then disappoint, him.
WillLokireturn · 30/07/2019 21:18

Cross posted. ignore how he reacted, that's about him not you OP.

Singlenotsingle · 30/07/2019 21:18

He's a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde type. Now you've seen both sides. Get out now.

LuckyLou7 · 30/07/2019 21:20

Ugh, he sounds awful. He charmed you into bed and now the thrill of the chase is over, he's lost interest. Don't contact him again, chalk this one up to experience. Move on with your head held high, you have done nothing wrong. Get back on the dating site and line up someone else for the weekend.

funnylittlefloozie · 30/07/2019 21:23

I would just bin him off. He got sex, that was all he was after. Move on.

Original poster
PatSharpsMullett · 30/07/2019 21:23

That’s interesting @afistfulofdolores

I don’t know much about his family except he said his mum has quite bad MH problems that he (and I quote) “doesn’t have the patience for.” He does seem to have a bit of a love/hate relationship with her from what he’s said.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatSharpsMullett · 30/07/2019 21:24

Thanks all for your input. My hunch about him wanting sex and losing interest was correct.

Back to swiping on the apps for me!

OP posts:
Howdoyousleep · 30/07/2019 21:30

He sounds vile. And don’t give him the benefit of the doubt if he turns nice again as it will be just to keep you on the hook for another shag.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 30/07/2019 21:30

Please don't accept aggression. You don't have to please him, or modify your behaviour in case you piss him off. You can just be yourself, and either find someone else who might ask you how you are (imagine!) or take a dating break, or whatever you feel happy doing.

Dating someone who could potentially be aggressive and is cold and disinterested is not something you ever have to do.

If you feel compelled to continue, have a think about why - do you value yourself? Can you put yourself first and look after yourself? Do you deserve to be loved and cherished, not sworn at by some shitbrick you've known five minutes?

Get rid.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 30/07/2019 21:31

Sorry, OP, missed your update! Happy swiping :)

thethoughtfox · 30/07/2019 21:34

Trust your gut.

Original poster
PatSharpsMullett · 30/07/2019 21:37

@DidILeaveTheGasOn that is such a lovely message and has made me realise I need to value myself more, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 30/07/2019 21:39

He is testing the waters to see if you will allow him to relegate you.

Been there. Got the t shirt. On line assholes. Always OLD

If thst happened to me now id text back "mixed messages are not my thing so good luck".

But i did fall in to the trap of thinking i had to be less boring or something.

Chocolate123 · 30/07/2019 21:39

He put on a front to get you into bed. He got what he wanted then the real him came out. Chalk up to experience don't waste anymore time on him block and move on.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/07/2019 21:45

Look, he's a bad bet. You can spend time unpicking why that might be, or attempting to find some kind of clue that will prevent this from ever happening again, or even pressure him to talk about it and give you "closure" (urgh, hate that concept) but the end result will be the same.

He is not the right guy for you. It's not anything you did or said or didn't do, it's not some puzzle you need to work out - maybe he's a stone cold dick head who only wanted sex, or maybe everything he said is true but external factors intervened and its just wrong place, wrong time - none of that really matters.

The relationship is over. Do not message him again. Even if he comes back begging and says all the right things, or sends you a slew of accusations and grievances - you guys are done. Wanting to find out WHY and pretending you need to understand him is wasted energy. It's done. (Yeah, you probably had a lucky escape.) Dust yourself off, turn it into a funny story and move on. It's tempting to pursue this, even as a " I need to understand!!" exercise - because letting go means you no longer have the excitement of the potential that this could have been - but really, don't waste your energy.

iMatter · 30/07/2019 21:46

He's a nasty bastard.

Chalk it up to experience.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/07/2019 21:46

He sounds nasty and a misery guts. Sorry OP, sounds like you’re seeing the real man now. You can definitely do so much better than this loser. How dare he fume at you and get shirty!

Fififellforit · 30/07/2019 21:53

Where was he from ?
Up north ?
I think you have been love bombed .

Original poster
PatSharpsMullett · 30/07/2019 21:55

@Fififellforit yes he was from up north as it happens

OP posts:
KeepFuckingOff · 30/07/2019 21:55

good god defo bin him now he’s bloody awful

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/07/2019 21:55

Bloody hell. I can't believe he called you 'petty' for thinking he might need a break from dating for his MH.

What a twunt. He was acting at the beginning - he was just better at it than most of them.
You can do better than this. NEXT!

Echobelly · 30/07/2019 22:00

Don't let him make you feel bad. His life is not your circus, not your monkeys - he's just someone you dated for a bit and it's not your job to keep him happy/absorb all his misery when you know one another so little.

rosabug · 30/07/2019 22:09

How he reacted when you suggested you take a break is by chucking it back in your face - really hard - so you do not question him again. To him he's "had" you in every sense of the word. A profoundly sexist and nasty man. I'd tell him your niece's hamster has just died and you are too upset to be a relationship right now.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2019 22:14

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

Please don't ever let a man talk to you like that again.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 30/07/2019 22:23

I think you were dating my ex lol. The reason I no longer date online. So bloody moany. God it was mentally draining. Thank fully I saw it quickly and cut it loose, like you have, well done. I started matching his effort. Text for text. Or leaving him on read for 5 hours just to reply with ok. It didn't last long once I did that lol. He said all of the same shit, in about the same order. The thing that pissed me off the most was that he wasn't even great in bed, in fact he was terrible and I wished I hadn't wasted 4 months on him. He was only fun for the first 6 or 7 weeks lol.