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Original poster

AUBU to be upset with my best friend?

92 replies

Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 22:26

This is a bit of a long story so bare with me.
When I was younger I went out with a guy for a couple of years who I lived with. Long story short we split up and he ended up marrying a girl who he met through me as she was one of my good friends, we fell out when she got with him as at the time I couldn’t stand seeing them together and I was hurt by my friend.
Anyway it’s 10 years later now, we’ve all moved on etc and she sent me a friend request. I accepted cos everyone has moved on and I don’t want to seem like I’m still holding grudges.
I then see my best friend - I’m talking best friend who I’ve known many years, one of my bridesmaids etc - was friends with her on facebook. She only knew both of them through me and didn’t stay in touch with either of them, and new full well how hurt I was.
I see she’s commented about how beautiful their wedding video was, liked a lot of photos of them together.
AIBU to be upset by this? I just feel a bit.. betrayed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 09:55

It’s nothing to do with not being over him, it really isn’t. Doesn’t everyone though if they were hurt usually prefer not to see photos of their ex and how happy they are? It doesn’t mean you’re not over them or that you wish them a life of misery it’s just something you would prefer not to see? I’m sure that’s human nature either that or some of you are tough old birds!
As I say I told the whole story to DH and he actually said if his best mate did that he would be pretty pissed off. He was only saying to me the night before how he doesn’t think she’s the best friend she claims to be and he doesn’t think she treats me that nicely and isn’t there when I’ve needed her, or never just comes to spend time with me for the sake of it where as I have another friend that always does.
As I say I’ve slept on it and it’s just the dishonesty that’s hurt me. We message every day and all she had to say was read she had added her on Facebook, she had accepted and actually their photos/videos/life looks lovely. I honestly think shoe on the other foot I would have done that. Instead she just lied and expected me to never see it. If she was hanging round with her I wouldn’t care, but I just think it would be odd as she never liked her and doesn’t know her. I don’t think they’re ever really had a full conversation. Where as I was a good friend of her, bridesmaid at her parents wedding etc so I think that’s why it hurt as I was still getting over my ex and she was helping to then find she was with him so I lost the friendship too.
I aren’t controlling. DH will tell you that he does what he wants and I never try to stop him. I’m many things but controlling ain’t one of them. I just expect loyalty, honesty and being straight up but clearly not everyone is the same. It’s nothing to do with not being happy with my husband, he is my best friend and we have a beautiful daughter and a happy life - I’m hardly some spinster sat stalking my ex! I have other friends who were mates with her before and I haven’t expected them to stop being friends with her. It’s just the fact as I say my best friend never was, never liked her and then wasn’t honest with me. If people think that means I’m immature/unhappy/controlling you’re entitled to your opinion and maybe you know more than I do, but hand on heart I don’t believe that’s the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 09:58

As I say pan you’re entitled to your opinion hun and maybe it is weird, I haven’t told her not to like it but it’s just that she wasn’t honest with me. Different courses different horses and all that x

OP posts:
Wishihad · 29/07/2019 09:59

Hang on, you were liking their photos on Instagram. She messaged you and asked why, given that you 'dont want to see it' even 10 years later?

But she cant like their facebook photos and comment?

I think you are really over reacting. Both you and your dh seem to have very high expectations of friends.

Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 10:06

I wish I was 13 Nicola - those were the days lol :-)
Thanks seahorse - yeah I messaged her and I think that’s what hurt more as I just said I’m a bit upset that you put those comments behind my back and instead of saying she didn’t mean anything by it or had no intention to hurt me just went on a rant about how I should be happy etc which upset me more so I haven’t replied.
Possibly Rush - but she or so I thought tends to tell me everything so I’m not sure. She’s been with her current boyfriend for about a year but she’s had a few bad ones in the time I’ve been with my husband. The thing is my baby shower, engagement, daughters birthdays etc were all spread out by the space of a year or more obviously and she didn’t come to any of them so if it was an issue in her life I don’t think it would have prevented her from coming to all of them if that makes sense?
Yes Ele as they never were friends and then it came up saying that they were now friends so I was like oh that’s a bit strange they don’t know / like each other - so I just said are you friends with her now? And she just ignored me xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 10:09

Yeah so she added me on insta so I just accepted as I rarely go on it. I liked a wedding photo I think and my friend messaged me saying “traitor/2 faced cow” why are you liking that?
It probably is an over reaction to some extent wish. Quite a few people have commented how she always claims to be this great friend but never see her. Maybe we have high expectations I’m not sure xx

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 29/07/2019 10:18

I told my husband the whole story and he actually said if it was his friend he would be pissed off about it.

He's lying. Male friendships do not work like this. No bloke has ever not been friends with another bloke because he dated someone that used to date his best friend.

I aren’t controlling.

You are. You want to control how your friend interacts with someone you disliked, for no good reason, 10 years ago.

yeah I messaged her and I think that’s what hurt more as I just said I’m a bit upset that you put those comments behind my back

FGS. You need to recognise that your behaviour is not reasonable and is going to damage your relationships until you try to fix it.

Wishihad · 29/07/2019 10:21

So for months you have been ok with being on your social media and seeing photos of them.

But its not ok for her to do the same?

Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 10:25

Wow donquix girl, you’re brutal lol! Xx
DH wouldn’t lie as if he thought I wasn’t over it he would ask why for sure as he can be a bit insecure about these things, I asked what he would do if his best mate started liking photos of his ex and her bloke and he said no it’s out of order. He’s quite sensible and he wouldn’t lie to me, especially if he thought deep down it was cos I’m not over someone. Please don’t implying you know when my husband is lying better than I do hun!
I’m not controlling I wouldn’t stop her if she wanted to be, I would have liked her to be honest about it that is all as I would have been if I befriended any of her ex’s new partners. She wanted me to delete her ex on Facebook and asked me too even though he always wishes us well - so I did.
No other relationships have been damaged so I’m not sure on that.
Thank you for your message xxx

OP posts:
KCM99 · 29/07/2019 10:26

Yes OP you are being unreasonable sorry. You are not dating your current friend, it sounds like you are being a bit controlling. Let it all go and don't expect anything of anyone except your husband.

Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 10:27

Yes because as I say in the past she was a close friend of mine - my best friend never knew her really and what she did she always said she didn’t like. I told her when she added me and she actually said don’t know why you would accept but it’s up to you.

OP posts:
RosieCockle · 29/07/2019 10:29

It's utterly pathetic. Let it go.

Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 10:30

True KC - I agree maybe I should stop expecting much out of anyone apart from DH that is good advice xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 29/07/2019 10:40

Maybe everyone just has different expectations. I wouldn’t like a photo of her ex with his new girlfriend just out of principle and even if she was hot if my friend was hurt I would join in saying how rough she looks! I would also understand if she was a bit hurt by me liking photos or whatever it I hadn’t previously been honest about it. As we’ve said it’s different expectations and opinions I guess.
Thank you all for your opinions, I won’t be responding to this thread now :-) xx

OP posts:
CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 29/07/2019 11:29

Going against the grain.. I am a very loyal person to my friends so seeing them behave like this would upset me as it kind of throws your loyalty back in your face. Probably best to change some of your settings so you don't have to see it, if it upsets you.

Honeyroar · 29/07/2019 12:12

It sounds like you've grown apart as friends and gone down different paths. Sometimes that's life. Equally she could have grown closer to this other woman. She might have more in common with her nowadays. Step away from her a bit? You don't have to fall out completely but it does sound like you're probably not going to be best friends anymore. Find friends that suit your life now. Don't get bitter and upset over past ones that don't quite fit. Some best friends are forever, others only for a while.

SparklyMagpie · 29/07/2019 12:14

I just don't why it's perfectly fine for you to have them and like photos but not her.

So pathetic. You have bigger issues with her and it all sounds childish, so based on that, I'd just leave the friendship

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 12:28

This is so unreasonable

So ten years ago you split up with a guy. Six months later he started seeing a friend. They recently got married. Nine years after they split your friend friended her on Facebook and liked her recent wedding pics. You youtself are married with kids.

And you're all upset again. And you don't want to see pics of him happy with his wife.

You're so far from over this guy it's disturbing. You really need to resolve this in your own head. Go for counselling, whatever it takes.

Because no one has done anything wrong here. You are the one with the major problem. And when I say major I mean huge level of major.

You literally shouldn't give a shit. Be happy to see pics of him with his wife. Not care who they are friends with. And you can't do it. Ten years later and you're still hung up on him.

Honestly you need to get help with this.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 12:33

I wouldn’t like a photo of her ex with his new girlfriend just out of principle

It's not a new girlfriend. It's his wife and partner of ten years.

Sparadrap · 29/07/2019 12:36

I don’t understand why you are so upset by this. You are acting like your ex and his now wife were cheating on you. Your reaction would be more understandable if they had done this. But you have said they got together after you split up.

Why do you care so much? Aren’t you happily married with kids? You really need to ask yourself why it bothers you so much and why you haven’t properly moved on.

Cue OP: I have moved on.

No you haven’t. If you had this wouldn’t bother you.

Your friend has done nothing wrong. Your reaction is quite unreasonable.

SVRT19674 · 29/07/2019 12:36

YABU re she should like and dislike the same people as you. On your bike. YANBU re she isnt't being much of a friend in other instances. Yes I know this is relationships, but there it is.I would be hurt about the baby. That is an important mark. Make a mental note and foster other friendships.

Wishihad · 29/07/2019 12:37

Maybe everyone just has different expectations. I wouldn’t like a photo of her ex with his new girlfriend just out of principle and even if she was hot if my friend was hurt I would join in saying how rough she looks!

It's not a new girlfriend. And YOU have been liking their photos too.

lawnmowingsucks · 29/07/2019 12:39

Doesn’t everyone though if they were hurt usually prefer not to see photos of their ex and how happy they are?

Yes in the first few months after the break up

No - years after the break up

And expecting your friend NOT to like online posts related to your ex and his wife - as you are still invested in some way in their relationship, is utterly BIZARRE HmmConfused

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 13:12

Op, what caused the split between you and him? It's clear you can't get past it, and you still can't accept he has moved on, are jealous and hurts and you wish to bad mouth his wife a decade later and want others to join uou in that.

So either what happened at the time, was deeply traumatic, or you're deeply unhappy with your life now and keep thinking what if? Maybe a bit of both?

Your friend is right. You shouldn't care. You should be happy. You're married with kids.

So what's caused you to still be like this a decade later? Can you see how unhealthy it is?

Greensleeves · 29/07/2019 13:34

This isn't really about your ex and this woman at all, is it? You're hurt that your "best friend" doesn't treat you well, doesn't value your company any more and you feel the friendship drifting. That's painful and I sympathise. My advice is to concentrate on the areas of your life that make you happy and try to cultivate new friendships with people who are on your wavelength now, because it doesn't sound as though this friend is any more.

Girlofgold · 29/07/2019 13:38

People don't think about others when they're friends requesting/ accepting / fabulously bestowing their likes/ being nosy fuckers on fakebook. It's a nonsense. People don't all expect for your frenemie/enemies to be theirs. But they might expect you to dislike theirs. Let it go. You've done the moving on. That's the main thing x