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Original poster

AUBU to be upset with my best friend?

92 replies

Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 22:26

This is a bit of a long story so bare with me.
When I was younger I went out with a guy for a couple of years who I lived with. Long story short we split up and he ended up marrying a girl who he met through me as she was one of my good friends, we fell out when she got with him as at the time I couldn’t stand seeing them together and I was hurt by my friend.
Anyway it’s 10 years later now, we’ve all moved on etc and she sent me a friend request. I accepted cos everyone has moved on and I don’t want to seem like I’m still holding grudges.
I then see my best friend - I’m talking best friend who I’ve known many years, one of my bridesmaids etc - was friends with her on facebook. She only knew both of them through me and didn’t stay in touch with either of them, and new full well how hurt I was.
I see she’s commented about how beautiful their wedding video was, liked a lot of photos of them together.
AIBU to be upset by this? I just feel a bit.. betrayed?

OP posts:
rightteous · 28/07/2019 23:17

I don’t do Facebook and it’s a joy not having all of this nonsense in my life. My advice is to delete the whole thing and actually get on with real life

LizzieSiddal · 28/07/2019 23:18

She hadn’t been a great friend of late. She never came to my baby shower, engagement party, daughter’s birthday (even though she’s godmother) and she often goes out and never invites me but then if I go anywhere comments on how it must be nice to afford these things

If you’d started a thread about all of this, your reply’s would be very different. You’re correct, she doesn’t sound like much of a friend. But that’s due to her interactions with you, rather than liking someone’s picture on FB.

Ginger1982 · 28/07/2019 23:18

You're sounding quite immature here to be honest. Unless you've spent the last 10 years constantly talking to your best friend about this other girl and she has been constantly saying 'yeah, what a bitch' then I really don't think you can be as pissed off as you are at something as superficial as a FB friendship. But it sounds like this is really stemming from the other issues you've mentioned.

Original poster
Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 23:19

I don’t think that’s a bad idea actually right x

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 23:20

Ginger - that’s pretty much it. She has always said over the last 10 years what a bitch she was whenever the convo has come up

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 23:21

But it could also be stemming from the other things - straw broke camels back situation x

OP posts:
PannacottaLotta · 28/07/2019 23:21

I've given you an opinion. So has everyone else on the post. In my opinion you need to grow up! You're in your 30's and are acting like you're in the playground! 'You can't talk to her because I've fallen out with her' It's silly little girl bitchy ness (that is my opinion!).
What do you want people to say? 'Yes she is a shit friend for talking to someone you knew 10 years ago! Bin her off'?
It doesn't matter if they weren't friends in real life before! You still can't dictate who she has on her Facebook! Who she communicates with. Who's picture she likes. It doesn't matter if she's said in the past she dislikes this girl. It doesn't mean she has to ignore her. It doesn't remain she can't comment on her pictures if she likes them. Their relationship has nothing to do with you.
Maybe she was so worried about your vitriolic feelings towards you ex friend that she didn't want the tell you she didn't feel the same way as you!

MrsDimmond · 28/07/2019 23:27

She has always said over the last 10 years what a bitch she was whenever the convo has come up

Well that contradicts your statement that everyone has moved on Hmm Clearly you haven't if you have been talkinf about it over the last 10 years

Original poster
Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 23:31

I would have just appreciated her honesty pan. If she’s the best friend she claimed to be - and knowing my feelings - I would have appreciated her saying (as I gave her the opportunity as I said a couple of months ago are you friends with her on Facebook now and she didn’t respond) “yes I’m friends with her on Facebook now, their wedding video/photos/house whatever is actually really lovely” I would have been a bit like oh that’s a bit of a random thing for you to say given what you’ve said in the past but fair enough. It’s the fact she totally hid it from me thinking I would never see it. She knew I had her on insta and never likes her things on there.
But also I think it’s the fact she hasn’t been too much of a friend lately that it’s got to me more than it should.
It was almost like since I had my daughter and she hasn’t got kids and I’m not the party girl I once was I’m no good to her anymore.
She’s allowed other mates of course, she’s allowed her own life. But she never just wants to have a quiet takeaway at home or if we plan something she cancels. Moans at me if we go out on the rare occasion we do that she can’t afford these things. Yet I see her all the time (on bloody Facebook) on nights out that she never invites me too. I ask her to everything but it’s never reciprocated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 23:33

Well we obviously haven’t talked about it constantly for the past 10 years! Just if we were ever talking about the past she would say what a bitch she was or if mutual friends mentioned her she would say how she never liked her or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 23:34

Surely everyone talks about the past at some point?

OP posts:
Sunflower20 · 28/07/2019 23:38

I get what you mean and I don't think you are being unreasonable. But I think your expectations of others are too high - even if they're your friends. People simply aren't thinking about it as much as you and won't be considerate in the way that you'd like, so there is no point getting upset.

RonnieScotts · 28/07/2019 23:43

YABU and need to have a strong word with yourself.

Original poster
Papamama87 · 28/07/2019 23:48

Thank you sunflower. Maybe that’s right to be honest maybe I expect people to be how I would be but people have different views.
I think it’s also as I say as my husband and family have only been saying recently how she isn’t there for me much, hasn’t been to any of my little things like baby shower etc and I don’t think she even send my daughter a birthday card this year and she’s her godmother when I have friends who I see very rarely who don’t claim to be the friend she is and they made the effort to bring her cards and presents. I think I might just not get in touch for a while and see if she bothers to make an effort with me.

OP posts:
cranstonmanor · 29/07/2019 00:07

It’s not so much the fact they are friends it’s more the fact she felt the need to comment on how beautiful their wedding was and she’d liked quite a lot of their stuff.

You do know that almost everyone and everything on facebook is fake? I mean, I'd probably say that someone had a fab wedding and looked beautiful even if they looked like a wicked witch marrying in a haystack! It's just the sort of thing you should say to be polite. You are taking this all waaaay too seriously. Your ex and his wife are almost strangers to you after 10 years, they will have changed so much. Who cares what they do? If you still care maybe you should try some therapy. It's not healthy for you to hold a grudge for so long. You would be happier when you don't care as much.

And your friend doesn't sound like a close friend either, but I read that you already figured that out.

prawnsword · 29/07/2019 01:02

It just sounds like you’re in different life situations right now. I know it must hurt but not everyone is into babies or would think to send a card to a baby for their birthday. It sounds like she is pulling back a bit ?

I would feel a lot of pressure if were heee tbh - you do sound incredibly young , I would have thought you were early/mid 20s max - all this “best friend” labels & expecting your friends to pick sides over a 10yr old dating scandal sounds very high energy & all quite dramatic. Do you generally need drama or lots of things going on to keep conversations flowing/prevent boredom ?

I hope you are able to salvage the friendship !

Nicolastuffedone · 29/07/2019 04:44

....and this is why 13 year olds shouldn’t be on Facebook

Seahorseshoe · 29/07/2019 05:06

Yanbu op. I can see why that would sting. Could you talk to her about it? I haven't been on fb for years, all that scrolling was just pointless, I don't miss it at all.

lawnmowingsucks · 29/07/2019 05:37

I feel that she should dislike people who hurt me as she is my friend?

This is very controlling.

Are you always controlling?

historysock · 29/07/2019 06:30

I'd be a bit hurt by it tbh.
Come off Facebook-I'm yet to see a positive to being on it.

Windmillwhirl · 29/07/2019 06:42

I think you need to get a grip. She can be friends with who she likes.

Windmillwhirl · 29/07/2019 06:43

And agree, you sound controlling

RushianDisney · 29/07/2019 06:57

Maybe your friend was placating you saying she didn't like the other woman, seems likely. It was ten years ago, people who weren't actually affected by this woman getting together with your ex are hardly going to think badly of the couple when they have been together a decade and just got married. Clearly they were meant to be, and you are also happily married so I don't see the issue. Maybe your friend is struggling with something herself that she hasn't felt able to share with you and that's why she's missed your baby shower etc.

elessar · 29/07/2019 07:06

You asked her two months ago if she was friends with this woman on Facebook?

Seriously get a grip! It sounds like you've been obsessing over this non situation for years. If I was your husband I'd be wondering why you were still so hung up on your ex.

Girl code has to be put into perspective. It means not chasing after a guy your friend is seeing or starting something while they are together. It doesn't mean you can never ever date someone your friend did, months after the break up. Do you really begrudge this woman and your ex happiness? They're married, it clearly wasn't some fling just to spite you.

PannacottaLotta · 29/07/2019 07:32

I don't tell my friends what I do and don't like on Facebook. It's weird. It's weird to even suggest she should be telling you this. Move on.

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