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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The last 18 years were a lie

52 replies

FromTheAshes · 28/07/2019 18:58

Since finding out three weeks ago that my husband of 18 years has been a paedophile for the entire time we were together, I've also come to realise he's also a class A narcissist.

I can't go nc due to having to supervise weekly contact with our 2.5yo. The situation is complicated by him having moved in with my father who has dementia, to provide 24/7 care until his house sells and he has the funds for a care home so lots of opportunities/reasons for ongoing contact.

How in hell do I get through this?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 28/07/2019 19:00

You have to supervise a paedophile having access to your toddler?

Oldbutstillgotit · 28/07/2019 19:02

Has this contact been officially sanctioned?

dodgeballchamp · 28/07/2019 19:03

Stop making excuses. If you have proof of him being a paedophile go to the police and keep your child the fuck away from him, unless you want your child to hate you and go NC as soon as they’re old enough because you failed to remove them from a paedophile. Speaking from experience here - my dad was not a paedophile but he was abusive and my mum enabled it. You’re going to have to manage without his money

crappyday2018 · 28/07/2019 19:03

Firstly why he is allowed access at all? Surely your father doesn't have to wait until the sale of his house before going into a home? I might be wrong there but I thought the council covered the fees an then re-claimed them back from the estate.

M0RVEN · 28/07/2019 19:05

I’m sorry, this is a terrible thing to have discovered. You really need professional help and advice to deal with this.

Are the police and social services involved and what have they advised you about your child?

Have you seen a solicitor for legal advice?

Are you getting counselling ?

rightteous · 28/07/2019 19:07

You do not supervise access to a child with a paedophile. You refuse contact and go see a solicitor! You also report him to the police for him to be arrested.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 28/07/2019 19:08

Another one saying that you need professional help with this. I assume social services are involved- can they help you in terms of supervised contact etc? He shouldn’t be living with your Dad.

Rangerange · 28/07/2019 19:15

Has he been convicted or is he awaiting court ?

YouJustDoYou · 28/07/2019 19:16

How on earth does a paedophile have continued contact with a child??!!!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/07/2019 19:21

Forget the narcissistic thing. Your small child is having contact with a paedophile.

Has he been convicted?

MaeveDidIt · 28/07/2019 19:25

Might be wrong, but my understanding is he can't have contact with ANY children if he's a paedophile.

crankyassnoperope · 28/07/2019 19:26

Protect yourself. Protect your child. If this man has tricked and manipulated you for 18 years he knows everything he needs to know about you continue to pull the wool over your eyes whenever he wants. That's not your fault, you didn't know you were arming a monster, but you have to see it for what it is now. It's a huge risk to your child. You should not be the one supervising contact precisely for this reason. You need professionals.

Do not trust your own judgement because you will be doing everything you can to try and minimise how bad this needs to be in your mind; that's a natural reaction to the shock you've just been through. So discard anything that isn't complete defense of yourself and your child, push for professional appraisals, involvement and support at every step of the way and never talk anyone down to a less drastic solution than the one they offer you. Only ever cut in to get more protection, never less.

Go grey rock with your ex. Delete all mens of contact and only communicate through official channels or by entirely perfunctory email; don't ever ask questions, not even seemingly innocuous ones, make statements.

I assume you are in contact with the relevant authorities, you poor thing Flowers

Skang · 28/07/2019 19:29

There is no way in hell I'd let my ex have any contact with DD if I knew he was a paedophile.

Sunburntnoseandears · 28/07/2019 19:33

I actually know a family where the df did time for abusing the dd her whole life. Got contact to the other dc as he hadn't touched them..
Unsupervised.
You need SHL op.
Tomorrow.

EverybodysTalkingAtMe · 28/07/2019 19:34

Why on earth is he living with your dad?

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2019 19:35

What do you mean exactly he is a Paedo? Has this been to court?

mamaofboyzz · 28/07/2019 19:39

No advice but what an awful situation for u 😩

Original poster
FromTheAshes · 28/07/2019 19:40

He has already been arrested and admitted the offence. The way I found out was by 8 police officers knocking on my door at 7am to arrest him and search the house for his equipment. The offences involve looking at pictures on the Internet. A court date is expected for around September/October.

Social services have just completed their child protection report and their conclusion is I am the best person to supervise. My childminder has done one supervision but it's an awful imposition on her and understandably she's worried about it being connected with her business. I can't get to our nearest family contact centre so going down that route is not practical at present.

Dodgeballchamp I'm not sure where you got the idea that I am either making excuses for him, or trying to hang on to his money? There are no excuses, and I am self-financing, thank you.

Crappyday my father has already used up the full 12 week disregard the years ago when he started requiring home care. His house is not the one he is currently living in. He moved across the country to rent a bungalow near me due to his illness. I didn't think it appropriate initially either but the detectives on the case were all for it and I couldn't take the extra worry of my father's money running out before his house sells on top of dealing with all this.

Crankyassnoperope thank you. I learned about grey rock for the first time this morning, just in time for contact. It helped, and I will get better with practice.

OP posts:
Rangerange · 28/07/2019 19:42

SS may cease his contract once he is convicted

mymadworld · 28/07/2019 19:42

You poor thing it must be your worst nightmare come true I hope you've got friends and other family to support you.

Unfortunately a convicted sex offender can (not should!) have contact with their children and withholding court ordered contact puts the op in a very precarious position. I know someone who still lives with his 2 children because his deluded wife thinks he's not a threat to his own children and stayed at home both during his trial and after being convicted of downloading and making child abuse images - fucking disgrace so I'm not surprised to hear the op say it. That said, if it's not court ordered there's not a cat in hells chance I'd even have a discussion about it let alone facilitate it!

Rangerange · 28/07/2019 19:42

Contact*

Rangerange · 28/07/2019 19:44

@mymadworld of my goodness I am shocked. How can the authorities and courts allow a convicted peadophile access to children

mymadworld · 28/07/2019 19:49

Just seen your update op it sounds similar to my (ex) friends husband Sad

AnnonniMoose · 28/07/2019 20:01

Oh my OP - I have little to add, just leaving you some Flowers and hope you get through this.

RandomMess · 28/07/2019 20:02
Thanks