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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The last 18 years were a lie

52 replies

FromTheAshes · 28/07/2019 18:58

Since finding out three weeks ago that my husband of 18 years has been a paedophile for the entire time we were together, I've also come to realise he's also a class A narcissist.

I can't go nc due to having to supervise weekly contact with our 2.5yo. The situation is complicated by him having moved in with my father who has dementia, to provide 24/7 care until his house sells and he has the funds for a care home so lots of opportunities/reasons for ongoing contact.

How in hell do I get through this?

OP posts:
Sicario · 28/07/2019 20:08

Christ almighty. I have no words of comfort for you. Can't believe they're making you do supervised contact, with you supervising. I'm guessing you will be pressing for minimal contact, and grey rock from your p.o.v.

So sorry you are having to go through this.

dodgeballchamp · 28/07/2019 20:08

I take it back OP. I’m absolutely appalled social services have sanctioned this contact

crappyday2018 · 28/07/2019 20:09

With any luck OP he will get sent to prison so you won't have to worry about contact for a while. This is an appalling and shocking thing to find out. I can't imagine how you must feel being forced to allow him access to your child.
I suppose one good thing about him living with your Dad is that he's not living with you.
Have you any idea what will happen when your father goes into a home? I assume your husband won't have to come back and live with you?

bobstersmum · 28/07/2019 20:22

I'd move to the other side of the world to keep a paedo away from my child the sick fuck!

Howdoyousleep · 28/07/2019 20:28

That’s horrendous. My first thought was why aren’t social services supervising the contact but they probably thought you were the best person to be there as your child is so young.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/07/2019 20:29

Grey rock is an absolute gift. Every time you are beside him just think about being grey rock.

Original poster
FromTheAshes · 28/07/2019 20:30

It's so much more than my worst nightmare. I am a former teacher and playworker, and had been looking at getting back into that line of work after years in an office. I'd even been considering childminding in our own home. Absolutely nothing he could have done could have sickened me more. I spend my entire day, every day, feeling anxious and nauseous. My gp has been great, I have an anti anxiety tablet and am awaiting my counselling assessment appointment.

My mum has been amazing. She is all the family I have and lives 5 hours away. She got on a train the day it happened and is still here with me until I tell her I'm OK in my own.

Crappyday once my father is in a home his tenancy will be terminated. My husband is currently down as a 'permitted occupier' at the bungalow so from that day will be out on his ear. He knows he needs to find somewhere to rent but he's throwing his usual pity party about how hard it is, how there are no suitable places (he's disabled and needs to avoid stairs) but mostly the objections to the properties he's seen are just bollocks and he can't get his head around the fact that I won't be played any more and he and I are dead. He's so well and truly in his little victim box that he's once again sabotaging every opportunity to help himself.

Considering everything I have achieved in the last three weeks (self sufficiency, financial planning and stability, meeting all the demands of social services and the police, jumping through hoops to amend my hours at work to accommodate childcare, get support for my own mental health, packing his stuff up in boxes, buying paint to redecorate the living room, and work my way through the worst of the diy jobs that he was supposed to have done over the last year or so) I get so angry knowing how little he has done (moved in with my father, started weekly private therapy).

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 28/07/2019 20:40

What would happen OP if you simply refused him access to your DC? Would he take you to court? Personally I'd let him do that rather than my DC having any contact. Other wise MN may know the penalties or repurcussions of that, but I can't fathom how SS think his access is good for DC on any level. Assuming a conviction, your DX will be upset to know this when he/she is an adult. I know I would! I'd want my mum to protect me like a fierce lioness.

crappyday2018 · 28/07/2019 22:40

You are amazingly strong OP so you will get through this. Its his problem if he's not helping himself. Typical he sees himself as the victim and not the poor children who were abused in the photos he was downloading.
You're doing everything right and I'm glad to hear you have the great support of your Mum too.

Bookworm4 · 28/07/2019 22:45

Is your dad not entitled to care provided by LA? You need this man out your life, get him out of your dads house and out of your life.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 28/07/2019 22:46

SS would not recommend you supervise contact if you said you thought you might rip his fucking head off.

Easier said than done I’m sure. I bet you’ve explored all of these options and no one on the internet can tell you what I bet you’ve already thought.

Seriously though, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well!!!

Chloemol · 28/07/2019 22:55

Why are you allowing any access to a child! Supervised or not and why has he moved in with your father he needs be told to go and fine somewhere else

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/07/2019 22:55

With any luck OP he will get sent to prison so you won't have to worry about contact for a while.

Sadly possession of indecent images of children seldom leads to prison these days. So many thousands of men have been convicted that they'd have to build a number of new prisons to accommodate them.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/07/2019 01:05

Please tell me you're not going to let this discusting individual back in your house when he leaves your dads, because it sounds as if hes angling/pre-planning for "nowhere else to go"

I would also be contesting contact, for all you know some of those images he made could have been of your own child (god forbid).

Your social worker sounds like an imbacile.

Zofloramummy · 29/07/2019 01:06

I am not surprised that social services have recommended not only contact but for the OP to do it. They hold to the belief that some contact is better than no contact. Also whilst the OP is supervising the child isn’t at risk. They would only become involved again if the OP were to allow unsupervised access.

A friend of a friend’s husband was actually convicted for child abuse and family court granted supervised access at the jail.

I’m in my 6th year of being in exactly the OP’s position regarding access. SS report identified ex as a significant risk. Then we got patted on the head and told off you go then. My mum does access now as it was too confusing for my dd.

You have my sympathy OP it’s awful. Watch for adrenaline burnout in the next few months. Flowers

crappyday2018 · 29/07/2019 09:30

@Chloemol read the whole thread

Sunburntnoseandears · 29/07/2019 11:02

Just don't show up. Dc have tummy trouble /you have a migraine /I doubt they will be able to do anything. Your duty is to your dc's mh and your own.
Stuff Ss.
My exh took my dc to see a known sex offender. Ss said it would do my dc good to see him (relative). I rang them and heard this with my own ears..

Mystraightenersarebroken · 29/07/2019 14:13

@FromTheAshes please if you haven't already done so Google Lucy Faithfull Stop It Now. You will get excellent support and advice. Please do this and ignore anyone berating you on here, they have no idea what they're talking about.

LauraMipsum · 29/07/2019 14:28

What a total nightmare OP.

Ignore anyone saying to refuse to facilitate contact. Second what Mystraighteners says about Lucy Faithfull Foundation - their website is here: www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk

You can get through this, keep talking here as a good place to vent. Do you have trusted friends or family you can talk to?

Unfortunately I have experience of these cases and it may be worth contacting the officer in the case to ensure they are aware that coming back to your house is NOT an option. He may well get a suspended sentence or a community order and you don't know whether he is going to go with the "my wife is upset but standing by me and you can tag me to my home address" line.

Chloemol · 29/07/2019 15:14

This reply has been deleted

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Closetbeanmuncher · 29/07/2019 16:08

and it may be worth contacting the officer in the case to ensure they are aware that coming back to your house is NOT an option. He may well get a suspended sentence or a community order and you don't know whether he is going to go with the "my wife is upset but standing by me and you can tag me to my home address" line

Absolutely contact them op, excellent advice @LauraMipsum

Original poster
FromTheAshes · 29/07/2019 22:09

Sorry, I am still here and reading and appreciating all your comments. It's been a long day today but I think I have found my father a care home. Just need to get the buyer to exchange on the house now so he has funds to pay for it. That will be a huge weight off and I can concentrate on everything else then.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 30/07/2019 01:45

Your story is horrendous. I think SS....well, I think we known what the SS stands for are so deeply in the wrong here it's frightening. For these reasons

1 - For t the bleeding fucking obvious
2 - He has NPD. I believe you on this

So if he has NPD, he will have subjected you to DA. Don't forget this doesn't have to be physical.

I'm concerned you have all this and that too going on.

Your DH cannot support you so who is around you IRL?

75Renarde · 30/07/2019 01:45

Whoops. Not DH, D Father. Sorry

VitreousHumour · 30/07/2019 10:02

OP speak to the care home - ours were happy to accept reduced fees till the house sold and I think that's pretty common.